I know this sounds stupid...

[disowned_angel]

First of all, I'm Amanda, Craig is 39 and I'm 21. We have a baby girl, Jade who's 13 months old and we had her very early in the relationship.

 

Here's the problem, and I know it'll sound really stupid, but it's really getting to me.

 

Craig has this belief, where women shouldn't show any cleevage. I'm a goth and I've always worn clothes that show a bit of cleevage, which I don't think is distasteful for a woman to wear these clothes every once in a while.

I told him that if he tells me nicely that he's uncomfortable with what I wear, I'll change what I'm wearing. Now I wish I never said anything, because I know I'll not be able to wear any clothes I like.

 

I'm normally happy in this relationship, but I was just on ebay looking at some of the most gorgeous dresses and corsets I have ever seen. But I suddenly just got very down hearted when I realised that I will never be able to wear anything like that. Those clothes were just "me", I want to be able to dress like me again, I dressed that way when we met and I don't know what's changed. I don't feel like me anymore and I'm not dressing the way I like.

[Excalibur]

Apparently youo were 21 and a hottie goth when Craig met you and made a baby. so Craig doesn't mind it being displayed if he's getting the pleasure of ogling and touching.

 

Craig just doesn't want other men's minds to wander into where his perpetually resides.

 

That said, he's 39....and while he's extremely immature and insecure and likely not very established in life based on his dating a 21 year old...it's also very possible he's got some awareness that running around with a 21 year old "goth" is not going to reflect well on him.

 

So he's wanting you to dress more like his age, and prioritize more like his age - maybe even than he does.

[Catdancer]

I tend to agree with Excaliber. It sounds as though he's trying to make you into what he thinks you should look like. I am a very independent woman and I will wear what I like and choose to wear. When I want someone's else's opinion, I'll ask for it, until then tell him to enjoy the view and keep his mouth shut! JMO

[Clementine orange]

So he's wanting you to dress more like his age, and prioritize more like his age - maybe even than he does.

 

News flash - 39 year old women show cleavage too!

 

I don't think this is an age issue, rather it is a posessiveness issue. I'd like to comment however I don't know the "depth" of the cleavage (this is not a rude comment or c'mon or whatever). If it's a "ton" of cleavage - the cleavage levels being so spectacular that it causes men to drop thier jaws and want to take you home then I see a problem here.

However, if it is just "regular" levels of cleavage that one sees every day pretty much - in western society, then I'm thinking - what's his problem?

 

So thereforeeee (I'm explaining this poorly, I hope you can understand) it's not the cleavage - it's the intention behind the clevage.

[Clementine orange]

, until then tell him to enjoy the view and keep his mouth shut! JMO

 

"him" enjoying the view isn't the problem I think - it's every other guy in the vicinity enjoying the view.

 

However, he doesn't own her body, this is true

[disowned_angel]

He tells me that he loves me the way I am and he loves that I'm a goth. But he says I should be able to manage it without drawing attention to my chest. He said that he has no respect for any woman who indecently exposes their chests by wearing low cut tops. And he thinks I should have more self respect than that. Am I right in thinking that most women who have self respect like low cut tops? I do it because I happen to feel good when I feel I look good.

[Lionel Hutz]

Well I can somewhat see how he feels. He may wonder what type of signals you are broadcasting to other guys. He may also notice the stares while you are out. This can make a guy a bit uneasy. Find a compromise, Like an occasion to wear these things. Buy the dresses and go out on an exclusive date with him.

 

My g/f and I had this problem before. It stemmed from her wanting a "girls night out" and dressing super sexy. What am I supposed to think? I dont put baby powder on my testies unless im single and I know I wanna get some ya know. So think of a compromise and think of the signals you are putting out there. If she saw this behavior shed think, "Hey he was doing this when he met me, is he out looking for new girls again?"

[Catdancer]

OK...but if you are comfortable with yourself and you feel sexy and confident in your cleavage baring clothes, he should enjoy the fact that he's with such a hot woman! Have you explained to him that you feel sexy and confident and just good, when you wear them? Who wants to dress like a prude? I say be yourself and try to compromise. Have him point out some of your clothes that he'd be the least uncomfortable with and show him the dresses and things you are interested in online. Get his opinion and try to find things that will make you both happy.

[rocio]

I personally think that tasteful cleavage is beautiful and used to enjoy wearing well-fitting, low-cut tops. I wasn't doing it for attention, I just like it. However, many (or even most?) men do assume that women showing cleavage are just dying for attention and trying to get laid. For this reason, I feel that it's a bit disrespectful to my husband to show too much cleavage. Also, I would feel uncomfortable hanging out with my daughter and having men staring at me like a piece of meat.

[disowned_angel]

He said he trusts me completeley and I've tried saying I'll only dress that way when he's with me... which he is nearly all the time anyway, we never go out without eachother.

He says it's because he can see other guys looking at me, I don't even notice them but I know that it goes no further than in their imaginations.

 

He knows what I'm like when I'm out as well, if a guy was to approach me, the conversation goes something like this... "hi baby, how y.." "piss off".

 

link removed ...this is the most gorgeous dress EVER in my opinion... but I don't think I'll ever get to wear it.

[disowned_angel]

I wear these clothes for me, not them.

If I catch a guy looking at me I'll ask him if I have a telly on my head! Why should I dress in clothes I don't like for the likes of them? I don't feel like myself anymore and I hate it.

[Lana0120]

You felt happy with how you looked until he put doubts in your mind. The way I see it is, that if you dressed that way when you first met him and he found it acceptable then, then tough luck. Dress in clothes that make you feel happy and comfortable, and every so often wear something that he likes! It sounds like he has jealousy issues too.

[disowned_angel]

Next time he tells me he's not comfortable with something I'm wearing, then I might just try to make another comprimise.

I don't think it'll be easy because I was out with him for a meal, he had a winge about the top I was wearing so I had my lunch with my coat on... when I thought he would have had the decency to say, look, this is rediculous.. just take your coat off. Never happened.

[ghost69]

he probably figures he is older and you can get a younger guy looking at you and you will be tempted to leave him. i bet that's how he thinks. in fact i can almost guarantee that.

[Lionel Hutz]

Remind him you dont live in Iran. Be respectful at the same time. If this is an everyday thing (his complaining) he's gotta get over it. You are allowed to feel sexy every now and then, but not to the point where it is trashy. Unfortunately Ebay is firewalled and I could not see the dress. Seems like he might be threatened by other guys overall.

[disowned_angel]

if that's the case then he's not been completely honest with me when he said that he trusts me. I hate not being trusted when I've not done anything to lose that trust, thereforeee I don't get to be the way I want to be and always have been.

 

We don't argue about it all the time, simply because I don't wear certain tops anymore (that he liked when I baught it then I could only wear it once). He does have sarcastic digs every now and again though, Like; of corse you don't like that top, it doesn't show enough flesh.

 

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[Excalibur]

I think it boils down to this - you're a mother now and the motherof his child - and he doesn't want you displayed as a "sexy woman" as a result of it.

 

There's roles and titles people hold in life - everybody gets to put thier own spin of definition and limitations on it.

 

to him apparently being a "mother' now supercedes you being "a woman"....and in public, he'd prefer that you present yourself as the mother of a child, not a hot 21 year old "goth".

 

If you take all the things that 'might' be a factor in - such as your ages, etc...what you have as a fact that has changed is prior to you giving birth - he didn't mind your sexually more provocative appearance...and now that you have given birth - he does.

 

People don't dress that provocatively to receive no attention - it's not to "fit in" and it's not a "statement of who they are".

 

people stare at beauty - they also stare at freaks.

 

If you want to dress in any way that incurs attention because it's atypical, you can expect that some people are ging to disassociate from you, they're giong to refuse affiliation with you...and in his case, he's trying to change it so that he's not stared at.

 

I'm not sure how to put it - but when you were 21 and not the motherof his child - you being a hottie goth walking down the street on his arm was a bonus and score for him. He's 39.

 

Now that you're a mother...you walking the street as a hottie goth, with a baby in the stroller nad him by your side - makes him look like a freak. And he's not having that.

 

He wasn't a freak - when he was just having the option of attracting a "freakily attractive" hottie.

 

He is a freak, and he's going to be judged harshly being an "old guy, with a girl that he can't control the appearance of, that he was dumb enough to let have his baby".

 

I do get the problem...when I was 20, I was married to someone 40. When we dated, he didnt' mind that I was '20' in appearance, but we didn't date long before cohabitation and marriage. At that point, it was way ore comfortable to him to introduce his wife and his step-child to his associates if I were dressed more conservatively like an adult "his age".

 

And of course, the reason I'd gotten with him was to be "his age" - so I complied. till I rebelled...and I'll never forget what I started wearing and the type of PR work I got into to justify it - the last year of that marriage. I wanted to be 24 and be admired as a 24 year old......and this frumpy/dumpy look wasn't cutting it for getting attention, and I sure changed that with some outrageous attire.

 

Today...I wouldn't be caught dead in it - showing insecurities in public like that.

[Lionel Hutz]

if that's the case then he's not been completely honest with me when he said that he trusts me. I hate not being trusted when I've not done anything to lose that trust, thereforeee I don't get to be the way I want to be and always have been

 

Well its not that. You can trust someone and still have a doubt scenario in your mind. Its logical. Hes worried about other guys and how they percieve you maybe. He probably does not want you to be "that girl, the one with the nice rack." More the " Wow that girl is really pretty." He may be worried that guys wont respect you. That was my issue with my g/f. Eventually some creep got the snot kicked out of him by me for saying something disrespectful, and she realised it cold have been prevented by buttoning one button.

[Excalibur]

This is outrageous simple and being overthought.

 

when you were 21 and hottie goth - but not the mother of his child or his significant other....he didn't mind that people stared at you. If they thought you were a freak because you were goth - oh well, it didn't reflect on him you weren't his property or possession or alliance overmuch.

 

But now that you're someone he has a child with - his choice in women reflects on his maturity....and you running around like a owman who needs to get his attention with seduction and sexual display.....screams to his immaturity and insecurity in public.

 

The bottom line here though, despite what he thinks or believes is that if you go into doctor's offices, into public arenas, if you go into jobs, or out into life dressed like that with a baby on your hip - the child is giong to be ocstracized and avoided, and you're going to be shunned.

 

Sorry to let you know - but motherhod supercedes in obligation and responsibliity 'goth" as a reflection on you.

 

If you're "goth" - you need to go underground with it now. Wear it when you're not in your town, or wear it when you're out in public but completely away from the environment in which you must interact.

 

You'r someone's mother now - and you want the child to be included, aligned with, you want doors opened easily to daycares, doctor's offices, schools and other areas.

 

You going around getting stared at as a freak was one thing - as an individual. You dragging the child into that reailty is really not acceptable.

 

You can do it - it's your child...but you'll pay the price for it and the child will pay double.

 

There's a fine line between freak and unique......and everybody has the right to define that line.

 

But socially - you're freaky if you're goth - and realizing you have to deal in the real world, because you're going to need cooperation and alignment in the real world as a parent, is good to accept and work with beginning now.

[disowned_angel]

The pictures I posted; that would be for nightclub wear only, the clothes I already have for daytime cover alot more. And like I say, we have an agreement to never go out without eachother, so I'd be with him when dressed like that.

He wants me to keep myself completely covered up when clubbing, who does that? I always wear a long skirt, a knee length dress or leather trousers so it's just the top we disagree on.

[summerpeach]

Just think of how sad all the men in the world would be in women covered up their assests.

 

Your boyfriend is being immature and insecure. No offense, but if a man can be with someone half his age, he's not emotionally mature to begin with

 

Show what you got if it makes you happy.

Don't let any man control you

[disowned_angel]

fine line between freak and goth? a little bit discriminating aren't we? You've never met me, so how can you decide which one of the 2 that I am? You don't know how I dress during the day. And I'm not going to dress like a sheep to fit in, I hate what's in fashion and I won't force myself to like it.

Seriously.. you're supposed to be a grown woman and you're calling me a freak for dressing differently?

 

Anyhoo, thankyou summerpeach, nice to know someone sees it the same way I do.

 

Would any of you think that the clothes I posted on here would be acceptable if they were for clubbing only? When I do go clubbing I always go with him.

[Excalibur]

The fact that you have an agreement never to go out without the other - speaks volumes for the relationship you're in and not positively.

 

I'm not judging the difference between freak and unique - my only point is that while you might not like what is in fashion, you're giong to be going to PTA meetings, and places with the child that people ARE going to judge you being that you're the mother of an infant.

 

Fitting in there isn't you "not being you" - it's simply you doing right by the child.

[disowned_angel]

Until you've seen how I dress day to day I don't think you have a place to pass an opinion on how it effects my child.

 

Going clubbing together has nothing to do with insecurity, it's because we feel we'll enjoy ourselves more going together, plus it's only fair since we only go out once every 3 months.

[1guygirl]

a mother you are yes, a 39 yo man he is, yes...

 

but YOU ARE YOU and youre only 21. them clothes were gorg and i sure as heck wouldnt want a man CONTROLLING what i wore by means of emotional blackmail (cos end of day that is what it is when he gets you to not do something)

 

you are young, you are beautiful. the clothes arent slu tty when your in a club on his arm...hes jealous and insecure, it is HIS problem but making it yours.

 

i just find it so sad to hear a young woman seeing clothes she loves but feels she can never ever wear them because of her partner. i used to dance on dancefloors, then when my ex got with me i wasnt allowed to dance again. ive never danced since, but i will. dont be me.

 

if he didnt like your style then why on earth did he lay down with you, at 21 and make a baby with you???