meeting up with an opposite sex internet friend while in relationship. yes or no??

[dazednconfused]

my BF has been chatting to this girl he met via the internet for a while, i have been with him 3 years and i only found out about this girl a year into the relationship., he said he had spoken to her before me but she had only just cropped up again but i dont know if he had only started talking to her since meeting me but covered it up so i didnt try and put a stop to it.

 

they exchange the occasional email and text message and have spoken on the phone twice i think. she had a BF but now she is single.

 

this morning she sent my BF a text saying that she has got a car no so she could come and see him soon.

 

i am NOT happy with him meeting up with a female ALONE that he been talking to from the interent. especially as she is single and i dont know if her motives are anything other then friendship.

 

in the past i caught him out with getting a bit too cozey with other females and he has lied to me about things a number of times...and even though he has sworn he is different now and i havent caught him out with anything for about 8 months and i can tell he is trying to make ammends for the past coz he knows what mistakes me made, i still find it a bit hard to trust and what he has done in the past is still in the back of my mind. he keeps telling me not to bring up the past n to forget it but its hard considering it was a number of different incidents. i want to trust him so bad coz i can see he has been trying last few months but it is hard to forget the hurt i have felt,

 

she text him while he was in shower and i asked him what she wanted n he read the text out to me, i instantly got a bit parro and started questioning him if he would meet up with her and he didnt like it coz her got really really really mad at me. if he had jsut reassured me n told me that i have nothing to worry about it woulda been lovely but he got really angry n said i was grilling him and called me possesive.

he just kept saying "it aint even a deffinite arrangment yet so dont know why you are asking me questions" and "is it any wonder i have hid things from you and lied to yuo in the past when u start questioning me"

 

i truly believe he would not be happy if i was to meet up alone with a guy i met via the internet but when i said that he said that he really wouldnt give a f**k. he was angry though so he would say that jsut to make me look like im possesive and he wouldnt be the same if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

he ended up getting so mad that he wouldnt even hug me or say anything nice before he left me n dropped me off in the town centre, he jsut told me to get out of his car. i havent contacted him coz my phone was on income calls only and i knew he was at a funeral anyway. he has just rang me up and asked why i didnt repond to his text andi explained its coz im oncome calls at the moment then he starts to mention earlier again n getting angry again and when i go to have my say he hung up on me. so i text him using a free text service on the net n he rings me back up saying i have no respect texting him s**t when he is at a funeral, even though it was him who rang me and started going on about earlier n then hung up on me before i had the change to say anything. he started to get angry n shout at me again so i hung up on him. then he text me saying i wasted my time sending the text to him coz he is going to delete then .. i wasted my time just liek he wasted his time getting back together with me coz the relationship is waste

 

why has he blown up so bad about this silly situation, i thought most women would feel uneasy about thier man meeting up with a girl from the internet alone. i cant see what i have done that is so wrong today, please if i have done something wrong and have acted like an idiot then please tell me what i have done so i can see it n then apologise to him coz i never wanted to get him this angry.

 

am i within my rights to feel a uneasy about the prospect that she may drive down to spend time alone with him?? a male friend of mine said that if his GF tried to stop him from meeting up with someone he had been chatting to on the net, then it'd be a deal breaker relationship wise. so now i feel even more like im just a possesive witch.

[midnightrambler]

you are within your rights

[JadedStar]

If you are not happy with it he should either 1) invite you to go along or 2) decline the offer.

[Pegasus]

Today seems that everything is permitted to be politically correct even in relationship. People say you should give a personal freedom to your SO and all that but all this is one big reason why marriages don't work out, mostly.

 

In my book - meeting a new friend of the opposite sex alone while being in relationship is off limits. Call me old fashion or controlling but that is how it is.

[dazednconfused]

why do u think he has got SO angry at me, he was so so angry coz i started questioning him about it and slamming the door in my face when i was tryign to reason with him. i wasnt being that bad i didnt think, i was just asking him if he was going to meet with her alone and informing him that i would feel quite uncomfortable about it. maybe iu went about it the wrong way though coz he kept saying "yuo werent jsut telling me, yuo were grilling me". i explained that if he had just kept his cool and reassured me from the start then the whole argument wouldnt have kicked off but he didnt see it like that at all and just said that it wouldnt have started if i hadnt mentiond this girls text. should i have kept my mouth shut, im confused, sometimes when i feel i have reason to say something and it turns into a massive argument, i always end up feeling like its all my fault and i should have just kept my thoughts to myself

[savannahohsavannah]

Um, well, I don't know if it's a problem or not. I understand that you are uncomfortable with him having other female friends, especially those whom he seems to have a long term internet connection with. I've had bf's who've had other girls as friends, or so I thought, and I later found out he was more interested in them than he immediately let on. You're within your rights to complain. Girls are like this, you know? I have a friend who is dating someone new, and I've been friends with him for about 20 years, and she's like: "you can't speak to her." I understand her side of it, and yours, cause I've been hurt by the female friend who steals my man.

 

But I reached the conclusion finally that it's not the women who's the problem in this situation--it's the guy. A guy who is stable and mature enough for a relationship will have some female friends and be faithful. This type of guy is marriage material. The kind of guy you are speaking of, who seems to trip your jealousy feelings is a problem. What you are feeling is his basic immaturity and inconstancy with women. So, actually, I'd think long and hard before I considered this man anything other than a date. He might not be in it for the long term.

 

Savannah

[midnightrambler]

you should grill him....i think he is hiding something

[JadedStar]

WOW. Not good!

 

One thing i have learned over the years is that when someone gets THIS angry and it is not proportionate to the event they are almost always hiding something or have a guilty conscience.

 

It is not appropriate for him to be with her alone for this meet especially since you are voicing your concerns. If he mentioned this and you said sure hon have fun, that would be different.

[dazednconfused]

i wouldnt say he is hiding something, he just wants an easy life and to be able to do what he wants within reason without me getting parro about it. i am an insecure person anyway which i think stems from childhood and i am going to a councellor to try and overcome this but i just cant understand why he got as angry as he did.

he said he wgot so angry coz the whole time he was in the shower he knew that when he got out that i would start askin questions about him meeting with this girl and the second he got out i started to ask the questions just like he knew i would n that made him mad. maybe i should have left it for another time

[midnightrambler]

i wouldnt say he is hiding something, he just wants an easy life and to be able to do what he wants within reason without me getting parro about it. i am an insecure person anyway which i think stems from childhood and i am going to a councellor to try and overcome this but i just cant understand why he got as angry as he did.

he said he wgot so angry coz the whole time he was in the shower he knew that when he got out that i would start askin questions about him meeting with this girl and the second he got out i started to ask the questions just like he knew i would n that made him mad. maybe i should have left it for another time

 

 

33% of all people who meet on the internet have sex the first meeting according to research

[Bunney]

Are you for real? Why do you even accept his behavior? Seriously, what a jerk.

 

When you're in a relationship, you DONT meet other people (of opposite sex) on the internet, chat, text, and phone and then plan to meet up one on one. You just don't. Unless the partner is fine with it, this is very disrespectful towards your relationship.

 

He will cheat on you again and knows he'll get away with it cause he did last times. He's disrespecting you like HELL and you put up with it?! Seriously, he's an immature jerk, leave him.

[dazednconfused]

he has always sworn they are just friends and he doesnt even find her good looking in the slightest n they just get on. i kinda understand that coz i have male friends who i would never touch in a sexual way. but i never meet up one on one with any male friends apart from 2. the only 2 who i would meet up with alone are my daughters godfather who i have known 9 years and my other friend richard who i have known for nearly 11 years and even then i rarely ever see them alone and ususaly see them when there is other people around aswell. apart from that i would not go to meet any other guy alone. yes i am friendly with other guys that are on a clubbing site i go on but i wouldnt exchange nubmers with them or even consider meeting up alone with them.

he said he that probably wont meet up with her anyway and that i gave him a load of s**t just coz he got a text from her saying that she could come up n see him.

i dont know if the way i questiond him was in a way that could have seemd liek i was giving him * * * * , i didnt mean it to sound like that, i just wanted to know if he would take up her offer of a meet and if so that i dont liek the idea.

[Bunney]

He's trying to make you think that YOU did wrong. He's manipulating you.

 

Yep and then all the excuses... "we're only friends", "I dont think she's attractive anyway", "we probably won't meet up anyway" blablabla. Loads of bull. If they're only friends, he won't mind you coming along when they meet? If he doesn't want you to come, then you know there's more than just "friendship".

 

Gosh, I get so sick of people like him. He deserves to be dumped.

[JadedStar]

I have several male friends from the Net so yes, it is possible to have friendships with opposite gender that is platonic, however, I would not meet them one on one alone unless I invited my SO or he couldn't make it and told me to go anyway. Even then i'd still feel funny aobut it. I am meeting one at the end of May as a matter of fact but I am also meeting his family (and his girlfriend) as well. No one on one alone time.

 

Him saying he doesn't find her attractive is pretty suspicious. I would not insult my SO's intelligence by saying my male friends are ugly. If i did that i would only be trying to convince him of something that we both would know wasn't true and he'd wonder what I was trying to pull off.

[dazednconfused]

the reason he said he doesnt find her attractive is becuase i asked him months n months ago if he finds her attractive and if i wasnt with him would he consider more then jsut being mates with her. i know i shouldnt ask questions like that but i can't help it, that's the insecurity in me i guess.

[Bunney]

Of course he's going to tell you what you want to hear and whatever serves his purpose. Use your head.

[JadedStar]

the reason he said he doesnt find her attractive is becuase i asked him months n months ago if he finds her attractive and if i wasnt with him would he consider more then jsut being mates with her. i know i shouldnt ask questions like that but i can't help it' date=' that's the insecurity in me i guess.[/quote']

 

yeah that was a question better not asked because it sets up a person in lying position. What was he supposed to say "yes I find her attractive and would date her if we were single"?

 

The crime here IMO is his outburst over your valid concerns and his not asking you to come with them.

 

If it was innocent there would be no probs with you meeting her, as a matter of fact what a nice gesture that would be on his part so you could see her in person and alleviate any fears you might have had prior.

 

Instead of doing that he chose to get angry and show his temper to you.

[dazednconfused]

well i don't know where to go from here, i sent him a long text saying that i didnt think i had been that bad and that he could have reaasured me and remaind cool rather then getting as mad as he did with me n that i just wanted to not talk about it any more as he is being a bit unfair keep being so mad n shoutin at me etc. but he text me to say that he didnt even read the text n jsut deleted them.

 

so what do you think i should do now?? im scared to talk to him on phone again incase he starts getting mad at me and shouting again, he will never see my point as he truly truly believes in his head that i am in the wrong and that i shouldnt have started grilling him. what can i do about this, do yuo think i should email him so he can read it on his lunch break tomorrow?? any ideas of something to say that will make him see that he totaly reacted wrong and was bad for shouting at me the way he did n that it looks even more suspect coz of the way he acted

[doyathink]

Of course he's going to tell you what you want to hear and whatever serves his purpose. Use your head.

 

This pretty much sums it up. They will tell you what you want to hear. He isn't going to tell you that he thinks she's hot, and would love to date her if he was single.

Speaking of single, she is now...why didn't they meet up when she was in a relationship?

[dazednconfused]

it was talked about that we would meet her and her BF at a club about 2 years ago but it never happened as they didnt end up going to the club. there has been more talk over the years of them meeting alone rather then with anything to do with me, it has been mentiond alot but has never happened yet. he always jsut sais that he was talking to her before he met me so i can't really try and stop him seeing someone he knew before me, but she is only someone he has talked to via email n text so im not sure if i agree with that. its not as if they were close mates before i came alone was it

[Bunney]

Wow, you're trying to talk it out with him and he just deletes your text without reading it? Seriously?

 

I think there are lot of other things to worry about than him meeting a girl.. what's up with his immaturity? Can't even communicate and talk about things in a mature manner, without getting mad and yelling? What the heck, how can you be with someone like this?

[dazednconfused]

well he said he deleted the text coz i hung up on him when he was trying to ask me something, i hung up coz he was raising his voice at me and talking in an aggresive way so i didnt want to listen to him while he was talking to me like that. he said that why should he have to listen to what i was saying when i hung up and didnt listen to him

[JadedStar]

Hmm, he sounds pretty guilty dazednconfused.

 

His behavior is very consistent with a man covering up his true intent. There is zero reason for this kind of anger over you being concerned about something like this. he is disrespectful and i think there is far more on their minds than meeting as friends.

 

Considering his attitude about this I'd consider it a dealbreaker if he meets her.

[dazednconfused]

i guess i have given him alot of s**t about his past mistakes, i still remind him of them if something liek this crops up. for instance today... i reminded him that he does have a history for not being honest when it came to other girls so could he at least understand why its alot harder for me to be ok with it. he jsut said that i can't keep using the past and bringing his past mistakes up whenever i need to make a point becuase that is in the past and he is not that person he was. he gets really angry if i mention any of his past mistakes and said they were ages ago and i should have moved on from them a long time ago n not be mentioning when im feeling insecure about something else

[dazednconfused]

he is quite a hard nosed person, his mum is exactly the same and they find it very difficult to understand why someone gets emotional or gets upset or hurt about something. if we argue and he sais something to hurt me and i start crying he tells me to get a back bone and stop acting like a pathetic little girl. but thats just his upbringing, his mum is the same as he is and also cant understand why i am so emotional and get upset quit easily. it wouold be good if he could accept that not everyone can be liek him and his mum and to not be so hard nosed with them. is that asking too much to expect someone like that to understand the mind of someone like me??