Unnecessary Drama - what do I do?!

[brook7lyn]

So I've been dating this guy for a few months now - he happens to be a friend of my ex. At the beginning we both decided not to tell my ex as we weren't sure if this really was anything. We wanted to see how it progressed. Well, it is definitely something now AND apparently my ex found out somehow (although we're not sure how...but my ex is dating a friend of mine (surpirse!) so prob. that's how..?)

 

Anyway, my ex is apparently not taking the news well. He won't talk to his friend or hear him out. My new guy is stressed cause he just wants to get it out and off his chest - and be honest that yes we've been talking / going on a few dates, but it's still very early on in a "relationship". He said that he wants to continue to have me in his life and even if my ex says he absolutely doesn't want him dating me, he's going to.

 

So...this is all pretty ridiculous. My ex and I broke up a YEAR ago, he's on his SECOND gfriend after me and I think it's fair to say neither of us care what each other's doing now anyway.

 

So all of this has gone down in the past couple of days and now...my new boy has stopped calling me. I know he's stressed, and upset, but he's def. avoiding me and I don't know what to do. Should I call him? I don't even want to talk about it, I just want to wish him luck on an event he has today. If he wants to talk about it, we can. I'm just freaking out that he's withdrawing from me...

 

...but it's normal for a guy to go into their cave to solve a problem, right?

 

We briefly BRIEFLY talked thurs. and haven't talked since...is today okay for me to call him? or do I keep waiting it out???

[Batya33]

Often after a few dates things fizzle (although it is confusing - you've been dating a few months but only been on a few dates? why?), in any relationship and my guess is that what you thought was "something" he did not, not yet anyway. Two things might be happening - either it was going to fizzle anyway so this was a convenient excuse, or he really does now feel uncomfortable with the "incest."

 

I would leave him alone. And, I would consider, if he does call, whether you want to be with someone who completely ignores you meaning no "please give me a few days of space, we're fine, I just need some time". I don't buy the "cave" thing if that is combined with rudeness.

[brook7lyn]

Oh well we live in 2 different states...and truthfully, at the beginning he wanted to tell my ex right away and I wanted to take it slowly and see where it goes...so that's why it's been like a handful or 2 of dates in only a couple of months. But, we've met each other's parents and stuff - so things are going very well.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't put much stock in the meeting of parents. It sounds like he is balancing the drama against the benefit of seeing each other and for now he is choosing not to continue. This could change but the ball is in his court. Good luck!

[LBP]

This happened to me with my ex... In fact, a good friend is dating her as we speak.

 

It's been incredibly hurtful for me. I've tried to make things work with both of them but neither have been forthcoming or even interested. It's one of the most depressing things to have ever happened to me. This girl broke my heart and destroyed several of my friendships. I haven't reacted with anger but, still, I'm the bad guy. There's nothing that can be done.

 

So, have a little sympathy for your fellow. It's a tough situation, no matter what your outlook is. I don't buy into the fact that ex's are 'off-limits' to friends... Seems like a primitive way of dealing with things. But when the ex has spiteful emotions, it WILL create a conflict. Say you get extremely serious with your new boy... Will you just decide that his friendship with your ex is to be necessarily delineated from his relationship with you? Say you get married... Is Ex to be excluded because you don't like him? etc etc. Yes, this is too far down the line to seriously debate, but all these questions are being considered by both men.

 

Lots a drama. I don't envy you. Best of luck.

[Maya_A]

I can see where your ex. might be a little hurt within himself, but IMHO he has no right to place any guilt on his friend for dating you.

 

You say you have been broken up for over a year already (& the ex. has had two girlfriends since) so it is not like his friend immediately moved in while the breakup was fresh.

 

Your new boy/friend might just be taking some time in order to see how to handle this with his friend. It's also not clear whether they were always just very casual friends or very close friends. Either way the ex. would not have a "right" to tell his friend who to date in his life, but how close/not they are speaks to the dynamics of their relationship & how much thought your new dating friend might need to put into dealing with his friend.

 

If curious, why not just say that you noticed your communication is a lot less & are wondering if he is second guessing getting to know you better because of the ex., or whether he is just taking some time out to see how to handle things with his friend.

 

In the end, if this new person really likes you it would be really foolish to listen to someone telling him he "can't" date you. I can't see most people doing that when they reeeeallly like someone....

[brook7lyn]

Thanks for the input - my ex and new boy did have a meeting face to face and it did NOT go well! My ex (WHO BROKE UP WITH ME basically gave him an ultimatum and told the new boy that he does not want him dating me or even being my friend. - RIDICULOUS!

 

My enw boy is distraught, as he certainly didn't expect my ex to be SO immature about it! He wants to continue dating me, but basically he's going to lose all his friends (who, in my opinion, aren't really his friends if that's the case).

 

I am SO angry at my ex right now - I don't even have hard feeligns towards him from waht happened between us?! I dont' care that he's dating one of my friends?! I'm happy for hiM!!!

 

Such drama. My ex and the new boy are very close...but obviously that relationship will never be the same...

 

keep your fingers crossed for me, tho, I really do think me and the new boy are meant to be together...and I do bleieve what's meant to be will be...

[lady00]

Your ex sounds immature. But, I can understand how the man you're dating may be reluctant to lose his friends. Regardless of what you think of them...he might consider friends and that's what matters. I'm sorry you are going through this but things can get messy when you date a friend of an ex. I'm not saying it should not be done (I've done it before...but it did cause drama). I think you need to take a big step back, give your new guy some space and see if time won't help thing settle down between them. The ultimatum is lame, but it's up to your guy what he wants to do. It's also up to you to decide if he's worth waiting for while he tries to figure it out.