I need advice.

[tigerguy]

Hi all. Not sure if this is the right place for this post but here goes:

 

I got myself into a situation that I am not sue how to deal with so I am seeking advice. Several months ago I placed an ad on a personals site looking for new friends - possibly friends with benefits because I wanted to explore my sexuality with the right person but a friend if nothing else. Well I met someone and we clicked right away. We talked for days online and then finally met and hung out several times. We are in different cities, about an hour apart, so we only see each other about twice or three times per month. One day we finally had sex and we've had it from time to time since. (We've known each other for nine months now.) We always knew we wanted to keep it to a friends with benefits situation but over the months our friendship has grown and we have become best friends. I always knew he wanted to eventually meet a girl and get married and have a family. I also knew that next summer he would be most likely moving out of state.

 

At some point my feelings have become stronger for him. I never intended this to happen and I always knew we would ever move beyond friends with benefits and I never wanted it to. I am potentially getting a new job this coming fall that is a great career move for me that will take me to his city. I can't pass up the job if it is offered to me. So we talked about renting an apartment together to help split living expenses and we agreed to do it.

 

A few weeks ago he told me about a time when he went out with some friends and a girl kissed him. I felt something but wasn't quite sure what it was. I got a little scared. But it was just a one time thing at the bar and that was it and I forgot about it. Well, a few days ago he told me he was out with some friends and met this girl and they talked most of the evening and he got her phone number. He told me he didn't 'like' her yet but he thought if they kept talking he could see it happening. That's when I got that feeling again.

 

I feel afraid that I'm going to lose my friend. I should also say that I moved here three years ago and I live in a very small town. I'm not used to small towns and it has been very difficult to build a new social life here. I have a few acquaintances but only one person I can really call a friend and we're not really close friends. So when I met this guy and we got along I enjoyed the fact that I had a close friend nearby that I could talk to and share things with and hang out with. Now I'm afraid that could change. The other thing that bothers me is if we move in together and he does date this girl and doesn't come home for the night or she comes to stay over -- I'm not sure how if I'll be able to handle knowing that they're probably doing some of the things we did.

 

I did email my friend today and told him we need to talk about it because it has become more to me than I ever thought it would and I want to deal with it now rather than have it become a bigger problem later.

 

I never thought this would happen and I have never felt like this before. I don't know what to do. We are going to met tomorrow and talk about it. In his reply he did say that he does enjoy our friendship and doesn't want to change that and also knows that we are friends with benefits. He also said he's pretty sure he knows who he is and what he wants in life and doesn't want to lead me on in any way... so I already know where this is going... and this is where it needs to go. He also said he sees me as a good friend, even a best friend and sometimes a little more. Call it attraction, call it something else, that's what we need to talk about.

 

But the bottom line is we don't want to cut out the friendship all together. That would tear me up. I'm just looking for some guidance and words of wisdom. I know moving in together would most likely be a very bad thing because I don't know if I can make my feelings go away. I just don't want to lose the friendship. It's too important to me. But I never thought anything like this would ever happen.

 

So as it stands right now, we're meeting to talk about this tomorrow evening and we'll see what happens. Your thoughts are appreciated.

[auburnslp]

My thoughts are simple. I think that if you move in together you are likely dooming your friendship. I also think that you would be jealous if he brings another guy or girl around, and that would also be damaging to the friendship. Personally, I think that because you have developed feelings that go a little beyond the FWB thing for him, that if you want to remain friends, that you start to move on and find someone else that will make you happy, since this guy is pretty unsure of the future. When you do this you will be able to successfully continue the friendship, no matter what. Just my opinions.

[tigerguy]

auburnslp, thank you for your thoughts. Our friendship is really important to me and I don't want to lose that. I've been reading a lot of posts on here the last few days and that seems to be the general advice, no contact or cutting off the friendship and I just don't want to do that if I don't have to; and at least at this point I don't think he does either.

[auburnslp]

No I was not suggesting that at all! I was saying that you might want to reconsider moving in together, and consider finding someone else to focus your interests on, but continue to be friends with this guy. No reason to cut contact here-just maybe cut the emotional ties a little bit. Hope that makes sense.

[tigerguy]

I know that's not what you were saying. I didn't word my reply as well as I could have. The hard thing for me is I live in a small, small town. I moved here from a much bigger city a few years ago for my job. I'm in a new area of the country and it's been hard for me to feel like I fit in with the people around here. Making friends in this town has been extremely difficult and so when I met this guy and we got along so well, it was great to have someone I could relate to and talk to. That's one reason I'm hoping to land this new job so I can move to a bigger city and have a social life again. I know that will help. We'll talk more tomorrow night but I agree that at this point, moving in together would probably end up killing the friendship if he meets someone.

[auburnslp]

well listen, no matter what, it seems like you have an idea of what you are feeling, and with the choices to be made, you will be better equipped to make the right ones because of that fact.

 

I know how hard it is to have feelings for someone, and to have them basically keep you at arm's length. It sucks, actually. But it's those times when we have to take a look at the situation, and decide whether we want to play things our way, or theirs. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. But it's really a matter of self-respect and esteem, and sometimes we have to just make a decision to value ourselves more than we value a situation where we are placed as a "Plan B" or second option...and that my friend is never fun-trust me, I know-been there...

[tigerguy]

How do you deal with the emotions? I know I'm asking this before we talk tonight so I'm sure I'll have some new ones to deal with but I just can't get this out of my mind or get comfortable with it. I know it's only been a few days, but still. I've never been through one but from what I've read I feel like I'm going through a break-up. I guess that's what it in a sense is as I need to cut the emotional ties and I know that's what I need to do but I'm having a hard time admitting that to myself right now. I don't want to let that go. What makes it more difficult is that it's emotional ties I didn't realize were there. I knew we were best friends but this runs deeper than that. I've had a best friend who I moved away from when I graduated college. We lived together, he had a girl friend, etc. It was an emotional time but that was because I was moving away from my friends for the first time in a long time and I got over it pretty quickly and I certainly didn't have the feelings I have now. I know that by us being open about it and talking about it now is going to help in the long run and help maintain our friendship rather than had I waited and put it off until something bad happened. I know I'm ahead of the game and I will eventually be better and we will be better but I just don't know how to handle my emotions now and I know I'm going to have some new ones after tonight to deal with. I really wish this would not have happened and that our level of friendship would have just stayed as friends.

 

Thanks for listening. It helps a little just to write this down and know that others are listening/reading because right now I have no one else to talk to about this and I need to get it out.

[Excalibur]

This might help you out - FWB is when the girl regards the guy as a "chick w/a * * * * "...and the guy regards the girl as a "dude without a * * * * ".

 

It's people that might or might not share interests, goals, values, and same perception of life and self.......but they don't regard the other in a romantic way. Sexually- it's great to have someone thatyou can entrust with your fantasies to fulfill sexually, while having no obligation to them personally beyond the friendship.

 

But dating is about anticipation, excitement, unknown, and pursuing.......dating can lead to a relationship if the persons doing the dating, were seeking partnership thus the purpose of dating at all.

 

FWB can lead to commitment....if you stay with it long enough, you find by default that you've bypassed options and opportunities for yourself in dating, relationships, and other aspects of life and without really committing to one another, you've become intertwined with each other...and now...why not go ahead and make it more formal, there's not alot of other options out there.

 

He's stating that he sees you as sexually enjoyable, personally admirable...but not as a romantic interest. You're not his "type" to date......whether that's because you agreed to FWB and it is hard to generate that anticipation after FWB, or whether it's because he really is attracted to a different type of woman either physically or in lifestyle- it doesn't matter.

 

You're not his type for a relationship. He isn't associating sex with love - but with physical gratification. And having a physical outlet for sexual needs and enjoyment, while with someone you can rely on to be self-sufficient, mature and self-responsible is a great thing.

 

If you want to live with him.....realize that you'd split bills, while possibly sharing a bed at tmes. That wouldn' teliminate you having to see him dressed up to go out, making dates on the phone, or possibly bringing them home.

 

Friendship is 'I want the best for you as you determine it to be".....if sex is sex and only sex.....that motto can remain in FWB...if you associate sex with your value or worth, your attractiveness or desirability, with love or with commitment....it's going to be hard to maintain that position - you're going to become attached to what they represent, not necessarily them.

[tigerguy]

That's what I want... a friendship where I want the best for him as he wants. I don't want more than that. I want to maintain our friendship and not be bothered if he brings someone else around. I don't want to be romantically involved with him. Even if I did, I know it would never happen. I've known all along what he wants in life and it is not a serious relationship with me or another guy. Because I know this, it caught me by surprise that I feel this way. I need to get my emotions to understand reality.

 

I know I'm just restating some things from earlier posts, but it helps me to talk.

[Excalibur]

Your feeilngs are a result of YOUR needs, wants, expectations overall, as this situation has intensified those needs/wants/expecations.

 

Your feelings aren't a result of your involvment with him..or his actions to you.

 

They're a result of you being made more consciously aware through your actions in this situation of what you want/need/expectation in general.

 

And your rational common sense is stating "what you want, you can't get - in this situation".

[tigerguy]

Excalibur, that makes so much sense. I never thought about it in that way. I've never really looked for a relationship. I'm not opposed to one I'm just not really looking for one and I've been content with being single for now -- or so I thought. I guess this has taught me a lot about myself and when I think about it in this way, it makes sense to me and, at least for the moment, eases my emotions. I'm still young but I guess as I'm getting older I'm starting to change and what I want is starting to change and maybe it took this to make me realize it.