should i tell her before she marrys her rebound?

[cptanarky]

Sorry for the length and thank u in advance for ANY advice.

 

Her engagment party was a few weeks back now.. This girl cheated on me (in the last month of our staggering relationship), and started going out with this guy who was supposed to be my friend the day i broke up with her, which i did because at that point we needed space (been 8 months now since we broke up) ... yet i cant stop thinking about how i caused this by neglecting her some what and refusing to marry her myself even after 4 years ( i was not at the right stage of my life to do this i am only 23 and have not seen the world - young in my opinion to be married and kinda freaked out)... i still love her very much and nearly everyday have to convince myself not to contact her.

 

Last time i saw her was a couple weeks back at a party where i talked to her for around a hour (we were both quite drunk) which got bitter at some points and very friendly at others she told me she missed me very much etc, i even suggested we catch up sometime which she agreed i never followed thru on this and the conversation ended when her new fiance began to get worried she was talking to me for so long and made her leave ... after we talked she would smile suggestively at me constantly and wink the whole time even well sitting right next to her new fiance ( i know this is probably just cos she was loving the attention i was giving her???).

 

I know its nearly impossible to ever get this girl back, the trust has def been seriously damaged perhaps beyond repair and the purity of the relationship could never be the same. Yet i do blame myself as well for the way the relationship went in the last 12 - 6 months of it i freaked out about marriage and got very distant, I still believe that somehow someway we could restore what we had if we could give it a try.

 

The question is should i tell her how i feel above before the wedding day?? if this goes through that will be the absolute end forever between me and her... i never talk about this to anyone i know personally and pretend to anyone whos asks me that i couldn't give a crap about her and thier wedding.... yet its so hard when actually i do... ALOT... ](*,) this is one reason why i am very reluctant to open up to her and tell her.

 

Tell me if im being a pathetic idiot here.

 

cheers.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Not an idiot. Many people have this urge. But you played your cards the best you could and now you're going to have to let it go. Respect where she is now and the decision she's made, and don't mess with it.

[Incognito_Squito]

Seems to me like your only choice IS to talk to her before the wedding goes through. I suggest doing it sometime when you both aren't drunk

 

You can't guarantee results, but you've got a higher chance of things going right than if you sit idly by and watch her get married.

[Incognito_Squito]

Not an idiot. Many people have this urge. But you played your cards the best you could and now you're going to have to let it go. Respect where she is now and the decision she's made, and don't mess with it.

 

I disagree with this entirely. You have one life to live. It would be a travesty to think that you're denying yourself happiness by not pursuing this girl. It would suck to wonder your entire life "if only I had said something..." Sometimes in life you have to be selfish, because nobody will be selfish for you.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Not an idiot. Many people have this urge. But you played your cards the best you could and now you're going to have to let it go. Respect where she is now and the decision she's made, and don't mess with it.

 

I agree.. You messed up, she moved on. Let it be! Who is to say you aren't only wanting this only because she is marrying someone else?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I disagree with this entirely. You have one life to live. It would be a travesty to think that you're denying yourself happiness by not pursuing this girl. It would suck to wonder your entire life "if only I had said something..." Sometimes in life you have to be selfish, because nobody will be selfish for you.

 

Sure, you can be selfish if you want. It's just your integrity.

 

There's a reason y'all broke up. You can tell her what you think and all that...suppose she breaks it off with this guy and then goes with you and it doesn't work out or you get spooked again. How you gonna feel then? Course it could work out another way, but problem is, you just don't know what's going to happen.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I disagree with this entirely. You have one life to live. It would be a travesty to think that you're denying yourself happiness by not pursuing this girl. It would suck to wonder your entire life "if only I had said something..." Sometimes in life you have to be selfish, because nobody will be selfish for you.

 

 

He should have thought of that when he was with her. It's his loss he has to pick up the pieces and move on and let her get on with her life.

[Incognito_Squito]

Integrity? How about self-contentment?

 

Regardless, it isn't a case of his integrity being on the line, technically this would be the girl's integrity on the line. If he brings up to her that he still has feelings for her, he's simply being open with his feelings. Being true to yourself should be a first and foremost objective, because nobody but you is going to make sure you're looking out for your own feelings.

 

Now, if he - building on that drunken night - brings it up to her in a respectful manner and she turns him down, then its a matter of integrity for him to back off.

[cptanarky]

keep in mind that i went out with this girl for 4 years.... now she is marrying her rebound after just 5 months, i think part due to her desire to 'be married' and have security (long story behind this).... i messed up yes i admit that, however she caused equal amount of conflict in our relationship nearing the end too, just dont see how she can change from wanting to marry me then 5 months later marrying someone else..? seems like from the female POV its not looking good for me here...

[Incognito_Squito]

well, I'm not sure about phreckles back story, but Mythical's stance is very common since she is getting married in January. I wouldn't say all females are against it, just two.

 

Either way though, if you guys have only been broken up for 5 months, that's even more of a reason. You need to sit down and have a talk with her over coffee. You told her before that you wanted to see the world and not get married yet, and though I'm sure you haven't done that in 5 months, I bet things are put into perspective a bit more now, aren't they?

[thejigsup]

Let it go, show some class. You had your chance and you blew it. This guy had the guts to commit. Let him reap the results and you treat the next girl right.

[cptanarky]

she got engaged 5 months after break its now been 8 months... yes definitly got it into perspective now, realised what i lost, realised i was being a very bad BF and putting my friends before her. Found out that being single isnt as relaxed and care-free as i thought it would be...

 

she wanted me back a few weeks after the break up after i caught them together and found out what they had been dong behind my back.. but i was too angry at that point and told her vaguely that i needed time (she still wanted me to put a ring on her finger even then) so she went back to him... whole situation is a mess and i have no idea what to do... my family and friends will think im a idiot if i took her back after having to deal with the depressed angry nearly alcoholic version of me i became for a good 4 months after the break (sorted the drinking out now)... but i cant just ignore how i feel.... your advice is gold guys thanks

[orangesoda]

Jesus, I don't get where the hating comes from. Just because he wasn't ready to commit (and I agree that 23 is a really young age to be getting married) to a lifelong marriage, doesn't mean he 'screwed up' or didn't have the 'guts' to get married. I also don't see how he 'blew' it, he wasn't ready to commit, and she wanted to be married, so she just picked the next available guy, dated for 5 months, after a 4 year relationship, and is now engaged?

 

I think that says alot more about HER than it says about cptanarky.

 

With that said, I don't think you should interfere with their plans. You don't want to get in the way of a marriage proposal because if things don't work out between the you and the ex, she will RESENT you for it.

 

Better to let the process take its course, maybe she'll come to her senses and call things off. But if you try to break up an engagement, you're going to come off as the bad guy.

[lou31]

my opinion might not be too popular but here it is anyway ...

 

you have realised your mistake. i made a mistake too with my ex letting him go. he is now with someone else and i am still quite distraught after five months apart knowing i made a mistake. if only are the two saddest words ...

 

if i were you i would talk to her. dont make her any guarantees. because that might come back to haunt you. no-one gets any guarantees and its all a risk in the end. if you tell her you would like to try again and that you realised what you lost and would be 100% committed to working things out then how she chooses to deal with it is up to her. if she doesnt go through with this with the other guy it will be her choice. remember that.

 

i think you would be best to swallow your fear and pride and talk to her. be 100% open and honest, but know you take the risk of final rejection. if you really want her in your life you can tell her. if you dont you will always wonder. everyone is different which is why maybe some people feel you should let it go. my thoughts are that sometimes you have to put yourself on the line. how would you feel knowing months or years down the line that she wasnt sure about this guy but went ahead anyway because she thought she did not mean enough to you?

 

if you are sure in your heart that this is not a case of wanting what you now cant have then tell her how you feel and let her work out what she wants to do.

 

just my opinion not knowing the full story as only you wil but sounds to me like she is on the rebound and has jumped into this with someone who will offer her the security and stability she wants. if she did not still have feelings for you she would not be entertaining any chat whatsoever about reconciliation with you whilst with someone else.

 

be careful though, this girl does sound as though she needs to be with SOMEONE because she doesnt want to be alone.

 

its your choice and a very very hard one. if you do decide to do nothing then stick by it and let her go. if not be strong and steel yourself for an answer you may not like.

 

good luck

[Andy_2007]

My two cents...

 

If my ex was doing this (and hell, there's every chance she is...but I do not contact her so i don't know) I would probably say something along the lines of:

 

"Look, despite everything that happened between us and what you did to end our relationship, I still care about you enough to not want to see you make a mistake.

 

"From what you've said to me about your feelings for me still, I worry that you might be jumping into this marriage without being 100% in your heart about it.

 

"All I'd ask you to do is stop and think for a moment. Not for me, but for you.

 

"If you really do love him and really want this marriage, then go for it, I hope you're happy and that maybe I get that happiness one day too with someone else.

 

"But...If you stop to think about any feelings you might have for me. If you're not 100% convinced this guy is the love of your life and the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then at least delay the wedding, talk to him and make sure its what you really want.

 

"I'll leave you alone now, I've said what i felt I should say in the circumstances. Good luck and if you want to talk again, we can."

 

 

...or something like that

[lou31]

Andy,

 

Being a woman (and a typical one at that ) ... cant believe i said that out loud i would say possibly steer clear of lines such as 'despite everything that happened between us and what YOU did to end our relationship ...' that could go down the wrong way ... people (and usually more so women ) pick up on things such as this and she might see it as him having a go, sometimes you cant help but over analyse the actual words words used rather than the good meaning behind them. better not to get into a fight before you even get to the crunch!

 

by all means he cares and doesnt want her to make a mistake... but think about it, she has lots of other people who can and quite posibly are telling her that (given the relatively short 'courtship' and now marriage plans. he is the ex. he has an ulterior motive. yes he cares but he needs to be careful he doesnt come accross as bitter and jealous. no-one likes sour grapes. she might see it as him wanting what he cant have and being jealous.

 

all the rest i think is good but i wouldnt suggest delaying the wedding. maybe let her work that out. if thats an option then she will know it.

 

id say he has to be careful not to end up the emotional crutch for her if she is dithering. i really dont feel he would be the best person to lean on given his feelings. its too messy. that would be the worst outcome.

 

its hard to know how she will react. so tread carefully. and at all times realise that she might even be defensive and try to 'protect' or defend her current relationship.

 

keep it light (you can do this whilst being sincere), meaningful and dont say TOO much. you dont want things to get lost in the middle.

 

I only say the last bit because I NEVER know when its time to shut my big mouth. and it gets me in trouble sometimes

[ImThatGirl]

I am pretty sure that if I were her, engaged, wedding party planned, wedding party's already..... I'd prefer you "not" tell me.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I am pretty sure that if I were her' date=' engaged, wedding party planned, wedding party's already..... I'd prefer you "not" tell me.[/quote']

 

I agree!!

 

If my ex came to me now that i'm engaged and preparing to marry and told me all the things you want to tell her it would actually make me pretty mad and that would ruin things for us as far as being friends because i'd be scared of him trying to come between my fiance and I.

 

She's moving on.. you need to do the same.

[ImThatGirl]

I agree!!

 

If my ex came to me now that i'm engaged and preparing to marry and told me all the things you want to tell her it would actually make me pretty mad and that would ruin things for us as far as being friends because i'd be scared of him trying to come between my fiance and I.

 

She's moving on.. you need to do the same.

 

Agreed - I have to ask - - - Why NOW? You had so much time that you could have talked to her...

[rikka]

I have a few thoughts to throw into the mix.

 

The grass is always greener. The two of you broke up for a reason (she cheated on you.... that says a lot). Now that she is gone and being single isn't as fun as you anticipated, you want the relationship back. Reconciling for that reason is a bad idea and will likely not lead to a happy ending.

 

I agree with the poster who said she can't be alone. I think she was just desperate to be married and didn't care to whom she got hitched. That is just a bad situation and I would probably be grateful I dodged that bullet. The fact that she leaped from a 4 year relationship into a 5 month engagement.... well I think that says something about her and her wants.

 

Lastly, as a woman in a committed relationship. I would not be happy if one of my exs were to come along and tell me that they now regret letting me go etc etc etc. In her case, I can imagine that with the wedding planned etc these are sentiments that she doesn't want to hear at this point.

 

Good luck with whatever path you choose. If you do choose to speak with her... make sure both of you are sober. People tend to say things when they are drunk that they don't necessarily mean.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I would talk to her. But first make really sure of your own motivation for doing it. Are you just upset and jealous that you lost out, or are you really ready to go through with a marriage with her now?

 

I personally think it foolhardy of her to marry so soon after a breakup with someone else. It could be a knee jerk reaction on her part. Some girls that age just get fixated on getting married, period. They think marriage is the primary goal, and forget that after the wedding, they are stuck with whomever they married in a rush.

 

I would definitely talk to her and tell her how you feel, but only if you are prepared to get serious with her and marry her (and tell her so).

[BlondGuy]

Let it go, show some class. You had your chance and you blew it. This guy had the guts to commit. Let him reap the results and you treat the next girl right.

 

wow,

[Taylor527]

I didn't read the whole thread.. so this post can be "out of date"

 

but I just wanted to quickly say this.

 

You ex wants marriage.. and if you don't think you can give her marriage right away... then well, she isn't going to want you back. So, before you tell her how you feel realize that.. she is looking for commitment.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think you should talk to her. If she is making a mistake that is her mess to deal with. It sounds to me like she just wants to get married...so let her get married...doesn't mean she will stay married. If she is rushing into this, and in the meantime flirting with you, that doesn't say much about her relationship with her fiancé. So, she cheated on you with him, got engaged to him after only 5 months, and is now flirting with you. While you have made mistakes which may have cost you the relationship...she is not sitting pretty either...she may very well have cheated on you anyway because it seems to me that her feelings are pretty shallow. Just work on yourself and let her go. If she came back to you at this point it would be a mess because both of you have a lot of growing up to do. Let her marry this guy and learn that marriage is not just all about the fancy party and the attention. This marriage may not be forever.

[cptanarky]

well... i have taken the female majoritys view on this situation and left her alone apart from the occasional text message about nothing, i still have to stop myself from telling her how i feel everyday. Just if i knew or had some indication of what she thinks of me...

 

I hope i dont regret this forever.