I fell for a friend

[tigerguy]

Hi all. I'm new here and I need some advice.

 

I made a friend several months ago and it became a friends with benefits situation. We have become very close. We talk all the time, share things with each other, and have basically become best friends. We just click.

 

I have lived in this state for about 3 years now and it's hard for me to make friends - esp. in the town I live in. So it was great to meet someone I could talk to and hang out with. I never intended for anything more than friends and he has always said that he wants to eventually move to a big city next year and eventually marry and start a family (with a woman). However, I think I've fallen in love.

 

We have said "I love you" to each other but only twice. I didn't think anything of it until a few weeks ago we were talking and he told me about when he was out with some friends he was dancing and this girl kissed him and then he let her do it again. I felt something inside (I don't think it was jealousy but I'm not sure). Anyway, it was just a random bar/club moment and that was it and I moved on and life was good.

 

Then last night he told me he met this girl and they talked for awhile and she ended up giving him her number. He said that he didn't 'like' her yet but if they spent more time together he could see it happening. I felt something inside again.

 

Here's where it gets tough. We live in separate cities about an hour apart so we only hang out a few times a month but we talk all the time on AIM, on the phone, email. I'm hoping to land a job in his city and we have talked for a few months now about renting a place together for the year to help with the cost of living since neither of use make a ton of money.

 

My first problem is I never intended us to become more than friends, even close friends, but I think I have crossed that line. I'm not sure about him. I know that eventually it was going to be tough because he wants to move to another city and I'll be staying here and having a close friend like that move away is always tough. I've been through that before. But this is different.

 

The other problem is if my friend and this girl actually start dating, I don't know if I can handle that if we're living together. We've shared intimate experiences and knowing that he and this girl would be doing that will be hard for me to deal with.

 

I already know that moving in with him would probably not be the best situation especially if things continue with him and this girl and I know that living together will probably only strengthen my feelings but I like how close we are and we would get along great living together.

 

I don't want to cut off contact because we're too good of friends for that. I just don't know what to do or how to make sense of all this. I've never felt like this before. My friend and this girl might not even go anywhere so who knows. I am probably just going to have to make a choice and deal with it but I thought I'd ask here first. I guess I should also mention that neither of us are out and he obviously has an attraction to women. I just don't know what to do and I have never been stressed like this before -- and it may end up being all for nothing.

 

Thanks for listening

[BentandBroken771]

Well you have it kind of easy, being that your in two separate towns. It seems like a bummer at first, but if you really think about it .. it may be for the better. I look at it as an oppertunity to tell him how you really feel, you mentioned above that you had some intimate experiances with him. Were they really intimate, or just intimate to you because you felt that way?

If they really were intimate, then he must have some sort of feelings for you ... or use to. Rather he still does, or doesn't; it was there at some point which could still have an effect. I understand the fact that you are close to him, and you enjoy him as a friend. But it sounds like your feelings for him are really strong, and I don't think that you could accept the fact in just "being" friends with him.

This is where the good part about being in two cities comes into play, you can be open with your feelings and it be okay. You don't have to see him twenty-four seven, and worry about making a fool of yourself. I would use AIM, and texting, to your advantage to get it all out on the line. Tell him how you really feel, don't discuss it on the phone or in person, nothing like that. Just tell him through computer, or texting .. this way he doesn't feel put on the spot. People are really more comfortable with texting since they don't fear the personal response of the voice, or facial expressions.

He will be more open with you, and if worst comes to worst he will end up rejecting you. It sounds hard to deal with, but it could be alot worse. Also if you have problems when he discusses these girls, you obviously have strong enough feelings for him that you want to be with him ... it's normal! When you come to realizations that you can't just be "friends" with him, you'll except the rejection a little better. It's going to hurt for a little bit', but it's worth it. You never know if he is going to reject you either I know from experiance.

 

I am a girl, who fell in love with my bestfriend "whose a girl", neither of us really admitted it and definatly had no intimate moments. We cuddeled a few times that was it, we were bestfriends, and could still talk about guys to each other. I made the first move, I ended up kissing her. The next day we texted each other and asked what had happened, and if it meant anything. We both became okay with it, and then we dated.

 

I think you should give it a shot, and run with your instincts. If I was in your shoes, I would make my move ... doesn't sound like it's going to get any better. However, the internet is a tricky thing when it comes to advice. No one is there personally to see his response to you, and facial expressions, or different pitches in the voice really give off the right impression. Going off of what you have told me, thats what I would do. Good luck to you!

[pianoguy]

Do you have any reason to suppose that he's gay? It sounds to me like he's straight. What do you mean when you say "intimate experiences"? Sex? Drunken kissing? What? Have you told him that you're gay?

 

I will tell you right now that moving in with him, gay or no, is a recipe for disaster. Frankly, I'm not even sure that moving to his city is a good idea. What you felt when he told you about his new female friend was indeed jealousy, and when you move in him with him it will get a thousand times worse, only you will also have the joy of seeing him every day, and how good looking he is, without getting to lay a finger on him. It is h***. Trust me, I've been there.

 

At your age, you need to really think about coming out of the closet, or at least making some gay friends. You live in a state that has a pretty sizable gay community, so you should think about exploring that.