Do I tell?

[Broadway281]

This is a Cross Post from the Friendship forum.

 

I've always said that I didn't want to bring a child into this world because it's already overcrowded as it is. I always said I would adopt and that's something that I still hold true in my heart as very important to me. Something else I termed very important in my life was that I would name my son after my best friend Tom. Tom and I have been friends now for over 20 years and he's always been here for me no matter what.

 

I was pretty sure I never wanted to get married owing largely to the fact that I didn't want my children to grow up thinking that it was necessary for a woman to be married in order to survive in this world. I currently make six figures at my job and make more than my hypothetical husband likely would.

 

My family is extremely religious and while I am a Christian I don't always follow everything my religion says and at the age of 23 I decided I no longer wanted to be a virgin and began looking for possible "candidates". Well one night after a little bit of drinking I wound up losing my virginity to Tom who I have to say I couldn't have made a better choice. If I was only going to have sex once in my life, I was glad it was with him.

 

Well about two weeks later I went to my gynecologist for my yearly exam but didn't except anything out of the ordinary. After doing the normal exam he asked me if I had been sexually active lately. I admitted that I had and he asked me to wait in the exam room while he ran some tests on the urine I gave before.

 

I was scared, I knew Tom wasn't a virgin, what if he had given me an STD? The doctor came back about twenty minutes later and said, "My suspicions were confirmed, you're pregnant."

 

I went home that day completely shocked. I never wanted a biological child and here I was carrying one. Not only that, but it was the child of my best friend. Abortion was out of the question, I had already decided that this was my child and there was no way I was going to give my child up. Adoption wasn't fair to the child. I had decided to adopt a child eventually, how fair would it be of me to shove another one into an overcrowded system?

 

That night I called up my parents and informed them that I had decided to go to a sperm bank a few weeks before and had selected a donor and I was now pregnant. I figured that would bode better for my ultra religious parents than, "I got knocked up after screwing my best friend who you used to drive home from school."

 

They were a little ticked off at first, but eventually realized they were going to have their first grandchild and became really excited. Months later I was out to lunch with Tom discussing what my baby would look like since I didn't "know who the father was". Suddenly I realized my water broke and Tom took me to the hospital.

 

He stayed with my throughout the delivery and when it was over I was holding a beautiful baby boy. I named him Thomas Lucas after Tom and my father as I had always intended to.

 

Tom was there for me every step of the way. He came over almost every night for three weeks to cook for me so that I could rest and spend time with Thomas. As Thomas started to get older, I grew fearful that Tom would recognize his own features reflected in Thomas and want to be a father to him, which is exactly what I don't want.

 

I was all of the sudden "very busy" whenever he called and I hired a nanny to take care of Thomas when my maternity leave ran out at work. Thomas was about 15 months old at this point and every day I looked at him I saw Tom more and more every day. One day I got a call from my nanny informing me that she was having car trouble and wouldn't be able to make it that day. I called everyone I knew to try to get them to come and sit for Thomas, no one could do it on such short notice. Even my parents were in Miami for the week.

 

As a last resort I called Tom who gladly drove the hour and a half to my apartment (I'm in New York City he's in New Jersey). I went to work feeling ill all day not knowing if Tom would notice the resemblance between Thomas and himself. When I returned home that day Thomas was fast asleep and Tom had cleaned the entire house and made dinner for me.

 

I thought it was so sweet of him that I forgot about how much I was afraid of him discovering that he was Thomas' father. From then on I let him come over whenever he was available and Thomas seems to love him. Any time he came into the room Thomas would smile and start giggling,

 

I've never seen Thomas respond so well to anyone, even my parents! It should come as no surprise when about a month Tom suggested that he move in with me. He said, "I realize that you don't want your children to have a male influence or to have you appear weak, but I love this little guy. It's weird, I never used to make time for anyone, but I'll drop everything to see him. I know I have no say because I'm not his father, and I don't want to question your parenting methods because I have no right, but he likes me and I'm sure that you can see that." I told him it wasn't something I could see working and that I didn't want Thomas growing attached to him when he would have to leave eventually.

 

He nodded and said, "I guess you're right. I'm probably just sad because I don't have any of my own yet, and I'm not sure it will ever happen."

 

He left after that and I've felt guilty since then. Maybe I don't have the right to keep the fact that he has a son from him, but I also don't want my son to get the wrong image of women in his head. I can honestly say if there was ever a man I would feel comfortable marrying it would be him, but at this point I'm not sure what to do.

 

I was going to tell him last week, but he recently started seeing someone and I chickened out on telling him. He seems to really like this girl and I don't want to screw things up with him. I look at it the same way as if he were a sperm donor that I didn't know. I wouldn't feel the need to track him down right?

[whes]

Telling him should have been the first thing you did. It's very obvious that this man cares about you and about your son, HIS son, and like you said, Thomas responds well to Tom. Is not getting married something that is important to you? Could you see yourself being with Tom in possible relationship? You guys have been through an awful lot together, and a strong friendship is the basis of any good relationship.

 

That's what I think. It might really upset him that you didn't tell him, and haven't told him for so long, especially after his offer.

[jraf]

This is a Cross Post from the Friendship forum.

 

I was pretty sure I never wanted to get married owing largely to the fact that I didn't want my children to grow up thinking that it was necessary for a woman to be married in order to survive in this world. I currently make six figures at my job and make more than my hypothetical husband likely would.

My parents were married. My mother was a career professional. None of my siblings (including 1 sister) or I ever grew up with the notion that women were anything less than capable, that marriage was required for a woman's survival. The world is full of married women who are perceived by their children and others as capable in their own right. How is it that you believe, for a woman, marriage is a demonstration of weakness?

 

Tom was there for me every step of the way. He came over almost every night for three weeks to cook for me so that I could rest and spend time with Thomas. As Thomas started to get older, I grew fearful that Tom would recognize his own features reflected in Thomas and want to be a father to him, which is exactly what I don't want.

Do you really think you are acting in either Tom or Thomas's best interests here? Doesn't your son have the right to know and have a relationship with his biological father? Sure there are lots of examples of well developed adults who were raised by and only know 1 parent, but research seems to suggest that a positive relationship with both parents is ideal. Doesn't Tom have a right to a relationship to his biological son? There are many reasons why biological parents are kept separate from their children, but not because of love and affection.

 

He said, "I realize that you don't want your children to have a male influence or to have you appear weak

I actually find this to be a sad comment. Why would you not want your son to have a positive male influence, particularly when you know that this man and your son are father and son? Why do you think this would make you appear weak?

 

but I love this little guy. It's weird, I never used to make time for anyone, but I'll drop everything to see him. I know I have no say because I'm not his father, and I don't want to question your parenting methods because I have no right, but he likes me and I'm sure that you can see that." I told him it wasn't something I could see working and that I didn't want Thomas growing attached to him when he would have to leave eventually.

Well this is just sadder.

 

He left after that and I've felt guilty since then. Maybe I don't have the right to keep the fact that he has a son from him

I think think that your right's (whatever they may be and they would be laws applicable to your residency) should be of less concern that what is the right thing to do?

 

but I also don't want my son to get the wrong image of women in his head.

I really don't get this at all. You will be his fundamental image of his concept of women. Exactly what is it you want him to have an image of? So far, you don't posit an image of a strong, upstanding woman, in my opinion.

 

I was going to tell him last week, but he recently started seeing someone and I chickened out on telling him. He seems to really like this girl and I don't want to screw things up with him. I look at it the same way as if he were a sperm donor that I didn't know. I wouldn't feel the need to track him down right?

 

Well he isn't a sperm donor that you didn't know. You will never forget that. How long do you think you can actually keep this bottled up? Do you plan to keep the father and son separate for the rest of your life? If not, don't you imagine that someday, one of them will figure this out? What kind of an image will you be conveying then?

 

A few years ago, Australia changed its laws such that even sperm donors would be liable for a child's support. Of course this means that the information, once deemed to secret is no longer secret. What if New York does this as well? Your son may make it his life mission to find a biological father. Will you be alive then? What will everyone think of you should all your subterfuge become exposed?

[DN]

You are cheating a father out of his son and a son out of his father.

 

I think you should stop doing that.

[Mythical_Suicide]

You're making this more about YOU than about your child. Which is the first mistake, it's too late to go back and change that but from now on out you need to focus on the child's best interest and not what you want or feel. For christs sake you're lying to yourself, your family and most importantly your child. Your child needs a father and he has one that has been there for him not even knowing the kid was his, how selfish of you to keep that from both of them! Most mothers would kill for their child to have half the father of what your kid has. Be fair to this guy and your child. You think having a guy involved in your childs life will change his views, yea well guess what that child needs a father figure in his life.

 

You need to get past what you want and tell this guy that he is your childs father, and even have tests if need be done to prove it and allow him to have a relationship with HIS child.

[ResonanceTheory]

I could see you wanting to avoid this man if he were abusive, had raped you, or had otherwise treated you badly, but seeing as he seems to be such an upstanding, caring person who loves your son even when he believes he is not the father, I don't understand why you would want to keep him away. I suppose you have your own reasons for not wanting to get married or have a relationship with him in particular (and, of course, it is your right to do so), but the fact that you want to deprive your son of a relationship with his father seems somewhat cruel and selfish.

 

Do you have a problem with your friend Tom? Does he not earn enough money to be worthy of you and your son? Or have you just been lying to everybody and afraid to tell the truth because of what your christian parents would think?

[Roasted Carrots]

It sounds to me like you have a great friendship with Tom that would develop into a great relationship.

 

I agree with DN. You are cheating Tom out of a wonderful, caring, postitive male influence (and father). You are cheating Thomas out of loving you, and caring about his son.

 

You could have a family and still maintain your high opinion of yourself.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I'm surprised that you have not yet discovered that being a parent is not about you and what you want. It's about the child and the best interests of the child. Hence why people's lives change when they have kids...now they have to put the kid first and all the seemingly amazing, well thought out opinions they held prior to being responsible for an entire human life fall away when they are compared to reality.

 

Parenting challenges everything that we thought was true before we had kids.

 

This guy plainly has been there for you and your son. There is not going to be any right time for him to find this out. The damage will be considerably less now than it will be later when both Thomas Jr and his father are older and have missed even more of each other's lives and the opportunity to have each other. You and Tom could even reconcile this and work it out really well so that your son will have two great parents who are great examples of the best that their genders have to offer. That is one thing to consider when it comes to being honest.

 

Another reason to get honest -- you strive to be a strong woman. But how can one consider oneself to be strong and to have integrity when one cannot be honest about some of the most important things in one's life? How can one say that one is strong when one is not strong enough handle the simple act of being honest? When one must construct lies in order to live as they choose? That's not strength.

 

If you really wish to be an example of what you want your son to perceive as how women are, then you must be honest. You must choose to lay it out there and let it be what it's going to be. If he *ever* finds out the truth accidentally, if you continue to keep this from him, just imagine what his opinion of women will be then. He might develop a lot of misogyny -- decide that women are manipulative, greedy, lying and creatures that are not to be trusted in any situation, considering that something extremely basic to his life was lied about in detail for no good reason (that he will consider) for decades.

 

Do you understand how your son would perceive this were he to find out later? You must think beyond your fears, beyond your own desires, on this one.

 

Another case for honesty - you are Christian, right? Do you believe that you know better than God? God designed parenting to be a two person job - a mom and a dad or basically, two parents, any way you slice it. We can do it with just one parent if we have to, but that's not the ideal. Do you think you know better than God or whomever it is you believe created the universe?

 

I admit, being a parent does sometimes amount to playing God. At least you sure are in your kid's eyes. But while your son will forgive and appreciate things like discipline and rules later on in life, he absolutely will not appreciate this.

 

You want your son to know what a good woman is or should be, in your opinion? You have to live it. And it's more than being independent and being able to take care of ourselves. It's honesty and integrity, which are far harder to achieve and live by than anything else, in my opinion. Shouldn't your son also have a shining example of what his gender ought to be?

 

Why not let Tom be that?

 

Get over your fears and do what is right for this child.

[Taylor527]

Yeah, you need to tell him he is the father. That doesn't mean you have to marry him. But that is wrong of you to hold such precious information from Tom and your son.

[FarthestEdge]

Wow- What happened to you to make you so determined that life is about proving that you don't need anyone, especially a man...

 

You have a SON. Um, how exactly is he supposed to learn how to be a good man himself when you are going out of your way to prove to him that men are, well, unnecessary (and depriving him of a positive role model)?

 

What are you teaching him about his own gender, about himself?

 

Everything you say about Tom suggests he's a perfect candidate to be that role model...even if he WEREN'T the biological father.

 

I understand the desire to raise children so that either gender learns to be self-sufficient. But that doesn't mean martyring yourself on a pillar of lonliness just to PROVE you can do it on your own.

 

IMO, children need to learn to be self sufficient AND how to let others into their lives to enrich them, not support them. I guess I don't get why you see personal success and a fulfilling relationship as mutually exclusive. Why can't you have both? I feel as though I do...

 

I agree with the others that you are depriving your child (and Tom) of a relationship which would be beneficial to both of them out of your desire to "have YOUR way" with this twisted principle of yours. You are a parent- What do you honestly think is in YOUR CHILD'S best interests?

 

I think you need to examine the root of this "I don't need a man" mentality.

 

YOU may not need a man. But your son does.

 

And your not that great of a friend to deprive Tom of his right to be in Thomas' life either.

 

It isn't all about you anymore.

 

Sorry- that's how I see it.