This doesn't really qualify as "Dating", but...

[MattW]

Alright, here's the thing. There's this girl that I went to grade school with, and had a huge crush on, but I never really got a chance to tell her (though I think she kinda knew, by the end). So, it's been years since I've seen her. I managed to get in touch with her a few months ago, after finding her MySpace, and she seemed very happy to hear from me. I skimmed her profile, and saw that her and I had quite a bit in common, and, silly as this may sound, I found myself being interested in her once again. Problem #1: She has a boyfriend. Problem #2: She goes to college two hours away from where I live.

 

BUT! In a couple of weeks, she's coming home for the summer (and her "home" city is right near me), so her relationship will have to become a long distance one for a few months, since her boyfriend lives near the college. So I've been pondering the idea of seeing if her and I could meet up, at least once (if not more), during the summer to hang out. Don't get the wrong idea, though; I'm not trying to "steal" her away from her boyfriend. But I'd really like to catch up with her, and see what kind of chemistry exists between her and I, if any. Plus, if, IF, her current relationship were to not work out, it'd be nice if I were already sort of involved in her life, so that I could maybe get my foot in the door, ya know?

 

Anyway, here's my issue: I don't know how to talk her into meeting up with me without it sounding like a date. Plus, while her and I have sent each other some messages back and forth every now and then, they've all been pretty casual. So how do I go about this without scaring her off?

[AuthenticAuthor]

It DOES qualify as dating, but you are right in that you must avoid the negative conotations associated with it. Technically, all of the time you've spent with her constitutes dating (assuming the purpose was to get to know her and/or to have fun). People falsely assume that "dating" has to be officially insinuated or declared.

 

Secondly, there's no such thing as "Stealing" someone from another; her feelings are her own, and no one else's. If her boyfriend has a jealousy issue with you meeting her, then he does not do her justice.

 

If you're going ask her to join you on something, we'll need more information. How far apart are these cities? What kind of environment do these cities share (desert, forest, etc.). There are too many questions I have for you to list, and it seems as if you're going to do some research to find something enjoyable for both of you to do.

[MattW]

I only live about 10-15 minutes from her "home" city, and, well, I'm in Ohio, so there's really no deserts or forests, or anything.

[Batya33]

I go out with guy friends - it's not dating. In this case it would not be a date as long as the OP makes it clear that he wants to spend time with her as a friend and that he respects her relationship. OP - offer first to hang out with her in a group where you can meet her boyfriend. Since you haven't seen her in a long time it might seem weird to ask her to hang out one on one. Then, let her suggest one on one or a group outing with or without her bf.

[MattW]

Hm. That could work; 'course, her and I haven't even talked about her boyfriend, I just figured I'd wait until she said something about him to me before I made mention of him. I do know her birthday comes up shortly after she comes home, but I can't exactly ask her if I can come to whatever it is she's doing for her birthday, heh. And two things that make me a little nervous about meeting her boyfriend are A) I don't know him so I can't help but wonder if he'd be the jealous type that'd be really suspicious about her hanging out with me, and B) I don't know what this girl is bound to say. Meaning, what if she brings up the fact that I had a crush on her, or something like that? Her and I had some "cute" little moments together that I'm sure she'd probably bring up if we were reminiscing about the past, and I'm sure that wouldn't sit well with her boyfriend.

[Batya33]

I start with the premise that I can't be good friends with someone if I want to interfere in their relationship. You need to let her decide what the appropriate boundaries are vis-a-vis you and her boyfriend.

 

For example, I had a male friend who I met through friends about a year before I started dating my bf. We never had a date but for awhile he wanted to date me. He got a little jealous when I started dating my bf. At one point he wanted to meet up on a Friday for drinks and didn't want my bf to come. Had he wanted to meet for lunch that would have been ok - I understood he wanted to speak freely and privately - and he hadn't met my bf - but it was obvious he was trying to interfere. I didn't end up going. After that, he wised up, invited the two of us to hang out with him and his friends, made an effort to get to know my bf - they got along just fine, and since then all is well.

 

My guess is she will make her bf's comfort a priority - and you will know what that comfort level is when you ask her to meet up with you.

[Superfreak]

What you're describing sounds like an attempt to plant yourself firmly in the friendzone. It's fine if you want to do that but I don't really see any means through which you can present yourself as a completely non-sexually threatening acquaintence to her and her boyfriend in order to win her friendship, and then if she breaks up with him, suddenly transform yourself in her eyes in to a romantic prospect.

[MattW]

Ah. That makes sense. Still, I'm not sure exactly what to say to her about the idea of meeting up. Like, the what, where, when, etc. And should I try to subtley hint at the idea for a little while? Although, I don't even know how to hint at it without coming on too strong. Hm.

 

Edit: Oh, that^^ part was for Batya's post.

 

So, what do you suggest, then, Superfreak? I mean, you make a point, I suppose I don't want to make things harder for myself if things don't work out with her boyfriend.

[Superfreak]

Well, I suggest that you label this one a no-go and don't pine over her. For all you know her and her boyfriend are going to get married. I know it's frustrating when you find a girl you can talk to and then find out she has a boyfriend, but time you spend pining for her is time better spent doing any number of other activities that could land you a date.

 

If you want to see her just to catch up as old friends, then that's fine. But I don't really think that their is a way to be friends with her while she has a boyfriend and be able to catch her on the rebound.

[MattW]

Well, I suggest that you label this one a no-go and don't pine over her. For all you know her and her boyfriend are going to get married. I know it's frustrating when you find a girl you can talk to and then find out she has a boyfriend, but time you spend pining for her is time better spent doing any number of other activities that could land you a date.

 

Mm, well, me, her, and her boyfriend are all only 19 (well, she will be soon, anyway), and other people I've talked to about this subject say that this guy probably isn't "the one". Obviously there's never a guarantee, but still. And, I'm not really closed off to the idea of dating anyone else, I just honestly don't know any girls that are my type.

[Batya33]

Whether or not he is the one doesn't matter - the only relevance is that she is dating him, might be for a long time as far as you know (whether or not he is the one) and while it's ok to be her friend, you need to keep your romantic distance. You also don't want to be her rebound.

 

Rent St. Elmo's Fire. You'll see why.

[MattW]

Alright, well, then lemme ask something a little different; how would I go about breaking out of that "friend zone" if her relationship were to end, at some point? Is it even possible? I don't really want to just totally give up on her (and again, she's not really holding me back from dating anyone else, it's just, if I had a chance with her, I want to go for it). But at the same time, I'm not sure how to pull this off right... I already have some other little "disadvantages" going for me that I'd have to downplay, so I don't really want to set myself back even further.

[Batya33]

if and when that happens it will depend on what precisely is going on between you - whether you're in touch, how often, etc. It's really not productive to plan for an "if" that might not happen for a long time and she might leave him with someone else already in mind.

[MattW]

Heh, yeah, I guess I just like to be prepared. You know, just in case. That's why I'm trying to figure out what the best method to go about all this is. I know it could take a while before an oppurtunity may pop up, but I just want to position myself right so I'm ready, if/ when that time comes. And the problem is, I have no idea how to go about doing that.

 

I'd still like to meet up with her over the summer, but after Superfreak's post, now I'm concerned about getting so deep into this "friend zone" that I can't get out. But on the other hand, if I don't make an effort to get closer to her (keeping her boyfriend in mind, of course), it'll make it harder to pursue a relationship with her in the future. So, I'm pretty much damned if I, damned if I don't, aren't I?