Friends of the opposite sex, possible?

[cody41]

Just need some opinions...

 

Do you think its possible and acceptable for a male to be friends with women of the opposite sex while they are in a long-term relationship/engaged/married?

 

What if these female friends were women you have slept with in the past? But nothing came of it, so you just remained platonic.

 

Reason I am asking is my fiance has dated alot of women in his past and slept with them once or twice, but nothing came of it so they decided to stay friends and no longer had physical relations.

 

My fiance has about 3-4 girls he has been friends with for about 4-5 years now whom he slept with in his past but never got into relationships with them. Over the years they remained friends (not sleeping together) (or so he says!) and now that he is in a relationship with me and we are engaged, he no longer sees these female friends, but he often comments he only doesn't because he knows I won't like it and thinks I am too insecure to handle it.

 

Do you think I am in the wrong? Or do I have a reason to be uncomfortable with my fiance hanging out with women he used to sleep with but are now just friends?

 

I never said he couldn't keep in touch on the phone, email, etc. But I think hanging out with them is unacceptable.

 

Thoughts?

 

I do think men/women can be platonic friends, but I think once you have slept together they can't be considered friends... they are exes..

[redhearts]

Have you met him, have you seen him around them? Is it one on one or? Do you have male friends? You need to resolve this before the wedding or there may be some big problems. I don't think a movie at each others house is appropriate, an intimate dinner, etc. But just hanging out with a group of people, maybe meeting them or I don't know. You must not trust him.

[cody41]

I have met them, they are nice people. They are attractive girls a well.. not to be cocky but not as attractive as I am, but that doesn't mean anything to me either.

 

It's not that I dont trust my fiance, but I think its disrespectful, and I know he would not allow me to hang out with any males PERIOD one on one... let alone ones that I have slept with in my past.

 

I think hanging out in groups is fine.. but I just dont think its possible for men & women to be friends if they have slept together and had romantic connections at some point... doesn't matter if it's 5 years, 10 years down the road.... I think that attraction will always be there sexually.. Doesn't mean you love them, or want a relationship with them.. But if the opportunity arose to sleep together again, I think its only human nature that it would happen.

 

Now if he had female friends that were ALWAYS friends.. and they never had sex, then I think that's totally acceptable.

 

A prime example of my concerns: My fiance was in a relationship for a few months back a few years ago and his ex and him had problems and broke up to take a "break" and my fiance slept with his girl friend.. So just goes to show they CANT stay platonic. When given the opportunity they are back in the sheets.

Thats not a friendship IMO... friends don't F**K

[Cognitive_Canine]

Hmmm, I would be very uncomfortable with that.

 

Whatever the case, you don't feel right about it and should talk to him about it and come to a compromise.

 

How many of these woman are there?

[cody41]

Hmmm, I would be very uncomfortable with that.

 

Whatever the case, you don't feel right about it and should talk to him about it and come to a compromise.

 

How many of these woman are there?

 

I have told him why I am uncomfortable with it, and my main reason is that when his ex and him had problems they broke up and he slept with one of his female friends.

To me that doesn't make me feel confident he wouldn't give in to temptation one time if him and I had an argument or something.

 

And there are about 3-4 female friends of his he had remained friends with. He has slept with ALL of them in his past.

 

I also asked him are there ANY female friends in his life that he has NOT slept with.

Answer was NO.

 

[itsallgrand]

. Over the years they remained friends (not sleeping together) (or so he says!) and now that he is in a relationship with me and we are engaged, he no longer sees these female friends, but he often comments he only doesn't because he knows I won't like it and thinks I am too insecure to handle it.

/QUOTE]

 

Those sort of comments would worry me. That's not cool! If you are making a decision to do something, be accountable for it for christ's sakes. Ok, ok, getting a little riled up...my point is: that isn't fair of him nor right that he make those sort of comments!

 

And that CAN eat away at a person's sense of security. It's like planting seeds of doubt for no reason. Plus, it says "because I disagree with you on this particular issue - you are wrong and insecure".

 

I think what you are asking from your fiance is reasonable. That's a heck of a lot of old bed buddies to have hanging around. And for what? A few friends who you happened to sleep with in the past, yes, understandable. Female friends in general? Of course.

 

And, it seems alarming to me that he wouldn't be alright with you being around male friends of your own, and not with ones you had slept with in the past?!

Old double standard in this relationship.

 

Does it feel like he doesn't really want to be as fully committed as he supposedly is?

 

Is he really ready to get married..? Tough q, but I'd be thinking about it.

[Cognitive_Canine]

^^^

I agree, unfair fighting.

 

If he really cared, he'd reassure you. Not tell you that these are the rules and that you are insecure for not doing so.

 

He's slept with every female friend? Tell him that you don't know IF you can trust him. That's a lot to handle.

[cody41]

Exactly my point I made to him.... Ofcourse it would make me a bit insecure.. I AM human. No matter how much you trust your partner or are confident, its natural to be a bit concerned if your partner has TONS of female friends of which he has slept with!

 

I dont think that makes me insecure, it means I am SMART... and why would I let my partner have their cake and eat it too.. What is my friendship not enough for him, he NEEDS exe's and past sexual partners around because it makes him feel good about himself?

 

My fiance doesnt hang out with any of them, but I know he would probably want to if I was ok with it.

I have a few ex's that I only think of as friends... but personally, I don't even think its acceptable if I was to hang out with them... I know they would probably be hoping something might happen... sexually..

[cody41]

^^^

I agree, unfair fighting.

 

If he really cared, he'd reassure you. Not tell you that these are the rules and that you are insecure for not doing so.

 

He's slept with every female friend? Tell him that you don't know IF you can trust him. That's a lot to handle.

 

Yes he has slept with EVERY single female friend he has.

He couldn't tell me one he hasn't.

 

He never did when he was in relationships he says... and I do believe him, but that's way too risky in my opinion.

[Miss Firecracker]

It's up to you. You set your own standards and if he doesn't stand up to them, let him go.

 

I don't go for that sort of thing and found a man who feels exactly as I do. We come from similar backgrounds that are fairly traditional when it comes to commitment, marriage expectations. There has never been a problem.

 

I'd feel extremely uncomfortable if my husband said something like that to me, that if it weren't for me he'd call up a bunch of his old eff buddies and hang out with them. I'd have to fight hard not to spit in his face.

 

And more about how I feel in my signature.

[JadedStar]

I would refuse to date or marry a man who had a strong need to hang out with former F Buddies.

 

I woudln't do it. That is my personal stance.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Just make sure that you don't put up with anything that involves you sacrificing your needs.

 

People tend to forget that you need to worry about yourself at least as much as you worry about your relationship.

 

How long have you been dating this guy?

 

If it's only been a few months or weeks. You should really be focusing on your needs at this time.

[itsallgrand]

^ Bingo. Me too.

 

And Miss Firecracker said what I was thinking - would have a hard time not spitting or worse at a man who spoke to me so.

 

Heh, there's a reason she's Miss Firecracker.

[Miss Firecracker]

But note that itsallgrand and I didn't say we would spit. That wouldn't be nice. LOL

[cs90453]

Well I have female friends, some for a long time and I can say that it works for me. Saying that, I also realize that if I'm in a relationship and the woman I'm with has a problem with that I don't be with that person in a way that will make them uncomfortable. I have sat and talked to my friends' wives over the years (waiting for my friend to come home or something like that) and I wouldn't think about ever making a move on them. I also talk to my friends and tell them to let me know if they are uncomfortable with me doing that and I would respect their concerns. My wife on the other hand was spending time with a guy friend of our's and she ended up having an affair with him. So I guess it's a case by case situation. Some people can handle it and some cannot.

[redhearts]

thats tough, because you don't want to be controlling or demanding. but you do need to fix this issue before you get married. did you ask him how we would feel about if you hung out with ex's? i agree, to me its not a friend its an ex you possibly havent let go of. y stay friends with them if you have plenty of other friends? makes no sense, he let there be room for that.. so there had to be a reason, a side cake.

[cody41]

Hmm see that is exactly why I think it bothers me so much... Is these women he claims are "friends" are actually more than friends when he needs them. My fiance won't cheat, but if we break up he would 100% jump into bed with them. And who knows if we have arguments or problems what he could do? At one point we were fighting ALOT.. and he wouldn't discuss our problems with me... instead he was chatting with his ex/friend on msn and talking to her and considered going out for lunch with her.. (I found out by accident) he never told me. But he never ended up going for whatever reason.

 

This is the SAME ex/friend that he previously was in a relationship and they broke up for a week, and in that week he and the female friend had sex. Then he went back to his ex for a few months.

 

Then him and I met months later and this female friend of his was in the picture just talking occasionally... which I had no problem with.

But once we started having fights and he would talk to her everyday and not tell me it didn't make me feel very secure. But this girl was in a long-term so I didn't think it was a threat and figured they were just confiding in each other as friends.

 

We ended up breaking up (for 1 day) because of too much fighting/lack of communication... and I found out later my fiance called up a different ex/female friend of his that he hadn't seen since before we met, and he went up there late at night and came back home at 8am... He never will admit what happened that day, and I'll never know...... But he says it shouldn't matter because I broke up with HIM.

 

It seems to me my fiance has this problem with letting exes GO completely... because he wants them there in case of emergency...

Someone gave me the analogy of his facination with his past female friends is called "D!*K in Glass"... in case of emergency, BREAK GLASS.

lol makes total sense...