aggresive vs assertive

[KAT MOMMY]

Is there a such thing as being too assertive? I know that in life you must stand for something or you will fall for anything. This thinking has got me through tough situations but at the same time is there a time where you must "relax" in order to get what you really want AND need?

 

If you need me to explain in further detail-please let me know

 

Thanks Guys...

 

KatMommy

[enchiladaman]

There is absolutely such a thing as being too assertive in my mind. Overly confident or overly bold can have negative effects on people around you.

 

We've all experienced an overly assertive salesman at some point I think - turn off. I think that too assertive can lead that person to come off as rude and unpolite to others even if his intentions are good.

 

If it is dating we are talking about, I feel that being assertive and confident is great...but there are those that are so bold and confident that they don't give you any room to breath. That seems like it would be a turn off.

[ghost69]

i hate really assertive people. i call it pushy. it gets them the door.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

To a certain point you do have to relax. I think one of the big problems is trying to figure out when to be aggressive and when to be more relaxed. I tend to give people and situations the benefit of the doubt and start off relaxed...the problem is that most people end up viewing it as being soft and a pushover so then they take advantage and end up violating my rights. I don't take the violation of my rights with a grain of salt and that is when I get aggressive...somebody recently described me as a pit bull in the sense that I won't let go and will continue fighting to stick up for my rights. It is, however, depressing to have to keep fighting people who have this mistaken notion that being nice means you can be walked on. I have seen people who are aggressive in a selfish way get what they want even at the expense of others. Everybody is too afraid to cross them so they don't have the battles that nicer people have. There is a difference between being aggressive out of selfishness, greed and lack of consideration for others, and being aggressive in order to protect yourself, do good things and accomplish positive things.

[midnightrambler]

if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything KAT....well said

[KAT MOMMY]

Yea, we are speaking about dating. If a person tells you straight out that they are not looking for a relationship and you are-then is it not lady like to firmly let them know that your time is too short to share on the nonsense. then he says well we need to get to know each other and I agree with that but at the same time if you are not looking for anything serious than what is the use to even try to get to know that person----right???? or am I being too pushy/ It's obvious that I refuse to persuede an adult into being with me and at the same time I ask myself why wait around and start to like him when I already know that he is not in it for the same reason I am---

[KAT MOMMY]

CAD i agree with you. When I came here I had to humble myself because of the fact of the different pace of life here-so I fell back and became so meek and humble. I learned to be patient and to give others the beneift of doubt----BUT little ole' sweet Katina got walked all over and even whenI turned the other cheek still again another slap in the face. But see now I am not up for giving any one the benefit of doubt because they view it as you being needy, soft and naive which is something I am far from. So now it's like I go hard at them from the jump start-is that silly or selfish? I mean I look at it like this: if I get the impression that you are not sincere then I will flee, if you can't handle my aggresive ways then you are not strong enough to have me, and if you continue to get offended by it then I don't need you around, and if you want to run away then you were not in it for positive results---=-

 

makes sense?

[enchiladaman]

Kat: Interesting dilemma and I think you're taking a mature approach to the situation.

 

I think you could tell the other person that you appreciate his honesty and would love to get to know them as a person, but you don't want to get romantically involved with someone who isn't looking for more.

 

This lets the other person knows your stance on things, without burning any bridges for something down the road. After you get to know one another better, the other person may change their mind or you could end up with an amazing friend for life.

 

If they say they aren't ready for a relationship though...I think that taking this past dating or a friendship will always be risky because that person can always come back and say that "He/She wasn't looking for a relationship." It's an easy out if their emotions aren't into it but are looking for something physical.

 

There are ways to be assertive and get your point accross without being overly bold or have to set down an ultimatum. Just make sure he/she is perfectly clear with whatever you say so that you don't come accross as a game player.

[KAT MOMMY]

So to say the least he's just looking for a piece of booty---lmao!!! and thanks for the compliment think that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day......

[jenny_mcs]

Yea, we are speaking about dating. If a person tells you straight out that they are not looking for a relationship and you are-then is it not lady like to firmly let them know that your time is too short to share on the nonsense. then he says well we need to get to know each other and I agree with that but at the same time if you are not looking for anything serious than what is the use to even try to get to know that person----right???? or am I being too pushy/ It's obvious that I refuse to persuede an adult into being with me and at the same time I ask myself why wait around and start to like him when I already know that he is not in it for the same reason I am---

 

My take on things, in this specific situation----

 

Assertive: Oh, you're not looking for anything serious? OK, thanks for letting me know that. I won't be seeing you anymore, because I am looking for something serious. What's that? You still ant to get to know each other? Thanks, but no. As I said, I am looking for a serious relationship, and a man who wants the same. Good luck!

 

Aggressive: WTH???? What are you wasting my bleeping time for then? I don't have time for this bleeping nonsense!!! What, were you just going to lead me on??? What's wrong with you? You're passing up the best thing you're ever gonna get, buddy. Call me when you pull your head out of your a$$, maybe I'll still want to talk to you.

[enchiladaman]

So to say the least he's just looking for a piece of booty---lmao!!! and thanks for the compliment think that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day......

 

Actually, I wouldn't say they are necessarily just looking for a piece. I think that some that use this line put that out there as a backup incase they aren't sure if they are really into the other person or not...then if they find out what they have isn't what they want or are a commitmentphobe and feel too much pressure they can use the "not looking for a relationship" as an easy exit. The same easy exit can be used for a player too. Tell you what you want to hear and then they get what they want and bam! Sorry I wasn't "ready for a relationship, you knew that" and they get what they want and leave you confused.

 

And lastly, there are some others that say the same thing and are just truly not ready for a relationship because maybe they got out of a bad breakup or divorce and just want to take their time in getting to know other people without the pressures of rushing into another relationship or commitment right away.

 

So I think there are a few categories of people that use that line and they should ALL be approached and handled with varying degrees of caution depending on which category that they fall in!

[KAT MOMMY]

Ok---you are making alot of sense because I know when I was "playing" the game I would say that at the drop of a dime to let the guy down easy and it usually was because I wasn't that into them so I can truly understand that to the fullest.

 

So now my question is how do you know which type the person is>? I mean I know we are not psyhics so it may vary-but really what questions can you ask to find out if they are sincere of full of smoke>?

 

Now I know that my other male friend is not ready really due to his personal circumstances and I respect his honesty. i told him that I wanted more and that I can't do the casual deal with him anymore and he literally got pissed and blew his top--so I know that he does like me and I can accept being his friend with no strings attached because it may develop into something more serious in time but at the same time I am not putting all my eggs in his one basket-which is why I am meeting a greeting other potentials

[enchiladaman]

Hmmm, I wish I could give you some good questions to find out this persons true intentions. Hopefully someone else will chime in here. The problem is that all 3 are sincere!

 

The person that is questionably into you "Isn't looking for a relationship...unless it's with the right person".

 

The player truly "Isn't looking for a relationship...just a piece of booty"

 

And the person fresh out of another relationship "Isn't looking for a relationship...cause he is still recovering from the stress of the last one."

 

Wish I had better advice.

[KAT MOMMY]

Hmmm, I wish I could give you some good questions to find out this persons true intentions. Hopefully someone else will chime in here. The problem is that all 3 are sincere!

 

The person that is questionably into you "Isn't looking for a relationship...unless it's with the right person".

 

The player truly "Isn't looking for a relationship...just a piece of booty"

 

And the person fresh out of another relationship "Isn't looking for a relationship...cause he is still recovering from the stress of the last one."

 

Wish I had better advice.

 

 

 

No Enchiladaman you have been very helpful-and it's no stress at all-the guy is CUT! lmao--not going to put me through the nonsense or have me trying to prove myself. I am who I am and take me as I am or have nothing at all! I guess this is a bit difficult for me because I have been one only 1 LTR and that guy is the father of my child so different rules apply now! I really am not too familiar with the stages of starting a LTR--so many things to consider and it seems like the men I am meeting are so commitment phobic that it's fustrating. Then when I come off and say well we can have a no string attached relationship they get upset and tell me that is not what they are looking for but in the same breath they tell me they are not ready for the committed relationship so * * * !!!! UUUGGGHHHHH

Think that I am not "relationship material"---OMG----I'm just going to give up for now!!!!! i appreciate your input as it has been very helpful

[enchiladaman]

You're doing just fine. Enjoy where you are at in life. Enjoy the freedom and don't be discouraged if it takes a while to find someone worth investing your mind, body, and soul into. I can tell that you are strong and secure with who you are and what you want. Stay that way. It is the way to be and others will always admire you and respect you for it.

 

It is okay if they aren't ready for a relationship and I am a huge fan of taking a long time to really get to know someone and date them before entering into a relationship. I think too many people get into relationships without truly knowing the other person...I guess life is full or risks. That said, I think someone that throws up the "not looking for a relationship" statement is either truly not looking for a relationship or is confused. Either way you're probably saving yourself a lot of heartache and emotional turmoil by leaving them behind and pursuing someone that is on the same page.

 

Good luck.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yea, we are speaking about dating. If a person tells you straight out that they are not looking for a relationship and you are-then is it not lady like to firmly let them know that your time is too short to share on the nonsense. then he says well we need to get to know each other and I agree with that but at the same time if you are not looking for anything serious than what is the use to even try to get to know that person----right???? or am I being too pushy/ It's obvious that I refuse to persuede an adult into being with me and at the same time I ask myself why wait around and start to like him when I already know that he is not in it for the same reason I am---

 

I agree, if someone states they are not looking for a serious relationship and you are, then what is the point of dating them. Ultimately you may get hooked and then they will turn around and tell you that they told you they weren't looking for anything serious. Better to walk away than continue with a dead end.

[boo121]

Get what you want and need, through your own hard work. If you're being overly assertive, then you might be pushing your needs onto other people, to get them met.

 

I cannot stand people who have to be aggressive all the time, to get what they want.

[Batya33]

Of course you can be too assertive, too passive, etc. It's all about balance. When it comes to dating I wouldn't bash someone just because he wasn't looking for a serious relationship. One of my best friends is recently divorced - she is looking to meet people, to date, but not necessarily for something serious - she needs a breather from that! Doesn't mean she wants to use anyone - to the contrary, she doesn't, so she makes it clear that what she is interested in and what she is not.

 

when a man tells me he is not interested in a serious relationship (whether with me or in general) I take his word for it, tell him that we are not on the same wavelength in that case and I move along. I don't see any reason to criticize him for not wanting to get serious with me. When I was dating I made sure to find that out early on and I listened when a man said he wasn't looking for a relationship. It wasn't my desire to try to change his mind and audition for the role of serious girlfriend- it can't really be done, anyway.

[KAT MOMMY]

Get what you want and need, through your own hard work. If you're being overly assertive, then you might be pushing your needs onto other people, to get them met.

 

I cannot stand people who have to be aggressive all the time, to get what they want.

 

Well some people have never been treated fairly and have had to go through life fighting to get where they are and to keep what they have-I am one of those people. How is it a Need to be in a relationship and really you don't make sense because a realtionship consists of 2 souls not only me--

 

I have to be very aggresive all of the time to get what I want, need and deserve-or get rolled over!

[KAT MOMMY]

oK I just have to bring this to the forum-the same guy from yesterday-guess I scared him off and he tucked that tail and ran off-haven't heard from him and I am happy. He wasn't trying to think about anything other than bumping hips and it's rude and very silly. I just don't understand why they can't be live and direct. It seems as if they think I am a fun dummy or a cheap thrill-that is what he was after and I'm no dummy.

 

Then oh the other one with the not ready for a relationship had the audacity to ask me to borrow 50 bucks--WOW-----get a load of that one-what do I look like?? An idiot.

I don't know if I come off as this lonely beat chick and I suppose I must do because this is what they all are taking me as. Killed tow birds with one stone and I am on a roll

 

Thanks everyone for all your advice and support-it's appreciated greatly

 

later

[EQD]

thats not always true Kat, you dont have to be aggressive at all. Sometimes people may conclude that but its really an overreaction from being an underdog all your life. Trust me i know. Relax a little and you'd be surprised at how much you dont have to fight. Sometimes 'we' tend to create battles that dont even exist and cause undue stress to ourselves with this mentality.

*to your post above the last

[boo121]

Well some people have never been treated fairly and have had to go through life fighting to get where they are and to keep what they have-I am one of those people. How is it a Need to be in a relationship and really you don't make sense because a realtionship consists of 2 souls not only me--

 

I have to be very aggresive all of the time to get what I want, need and deserve-or get rolled over!

 

There is a difference between being aggressive and being assertive, which i explained. Two different approaches to getting what you want.

 

Being aggressive all the time, has never really worked for me, because its win/loose thinking. It may work for you... fine. Specifically relating to getting "needs met" They can be met without having to win over somebody.

 

I sometimes meet people, who are aggressive and i deal with them all the same way. By talking directly to the issue and call up any game they are playing.

[KAT MOMMY]

OK just to confirm my assertive behavior---> same guy calls Sat afternoon begging for some one on one time-I told him that it would be cool but I had to pay a babysitter's fee-so he asked why and how and where and when-21 questions. So he said about 50 bucks and I told him no that is more than enough-he then rushed off the phone some odd reason and hasn't called back since.

 

Talk about a loser---so this is a situation where my assertive behavior brought the cat straight out that bag-I do understand the concept now and I also know that I won't blow my to for nothing-so in reality he got the attitude that is associated with B/S!

 

Thanks for all your help guys-needed it

 

Later

[Batya33]

It sounds like in that case you were in a situation where a guy was begging to see you -- that doesn't sound like a balanced situation from the get go, and if it were me and a man was "begging" to see me that night and I had to spend a lot of $ for a babysitter or similar I would say, nicely but firmly "thanks for the invitation but I can't afford to hire a babysitter this week." If he offered to pay for the babysitter and I wanted to see him (but it sounds like he had to beg you so I am not sure what your interest level was) I would say "thank you for the offer -- it is about $50." I don't see what's "assertive" about that -it's a direct response to a direct question.

 

It sounds like this guy wasn't able to afford that amount and was embarrassed to tell you.

[Maya_A]

Agree with EQUESTRIANDYNAMO...

 

Also, not sure why your date has to pay your babysitting fee... Wouldn't that be part of your own personal life that you factor in as an expense? If you go out with girlfriends to a movie or shopping for example - would they split your babysitting fee?

 

Just wondering on how you view it...

 

As Batya said, he may have not been able to afford it (as you yourself might have been struggling with the same) & embarrassed to tell you. I wouldn't refer to him as a "loser".