Secrets, Lies and Lipstick Stains

[Silent-Eyes]

"Lay a whisper on my pillow. Leave the winter on the ground.

I wake up lonely. There's an air of silence in the bedroom and all around."

 

I had a journal before.

I deleted it. I don't know why.

I was going to "recover" myself from this prison I've locked myself in

But I can't find the key.

Recovery.

What is it anyway?

Attempts to be normal.

What is normal anyway? Who is normal?

We always take ourselves back to the start

to try and find out why things happened

to try and force some blame into some day

or some month

or into some half faded memory

But the start can't ever really be found

Not really

There is no beginning for me

Nothing of note to speak of

No event

No incident

Nothing untoward

Just a progression perhaps

There is no one and nothing to blame for me

Except me.

I am my own making

And I do not like what I have made

So, here I am.....

Trapped in this house of mirrors

With no key and no saviour

Recovery.

It's not for me.

It's impossible.

So I give up.

 

"Touch me now. I close my eyes and dream away."

[Silent-Eyes]

"They found her dead, dead as nails at home, and she said I'm gonna be another marilyn, bleach my hair and get real thin. And everybody's gonna wanna dance with me"

 

Yesterday I ate nearly 4000 calories and it was mostly junk food.

Nearly a 1000 cals were from wine.

This was the first binge in two weeks.

All, my hard work ruined.

And now I am panicked.

The only time I can get over 1000 calories

Is when I'm binging on unhealthy rubbish

And totally out of control.

I was shoving food in my mouth like a fat, disgusting pig,

Hardly even chewing it properly......

Just shoving it in and swallowing.

I don't even remember what I was thinking about.

Maybe I wasn't thinking anything.

I didn't purge it.

My stomach hurt but I didn't get rid of it

Maybe I wanted to hurt.

Who knows?

Why didn't I purge it?

((stupid girl))

This morning I woke ((unfortunately)) and felt horrible.

I decided it was important to show myself exactly what I binged on

So I added up all the calories I ate yesterday

I didn't realise it was going to come out at nearly 4000.

That's over a pound of fat.

Pure, lardy, disgusting fat.

So today.....

Today is damage control.

I had porridge for breakfast with skimmed milk and chopped prunes (267 cals)

The rest of the day will be vegetables only.

And I need to burn over a 1000 calories at the gym.

At least.

I hate myself.

I can't even control what I put in my body.

I am weak and pathetic.

Disgusting.

This is rediculous.

This cannot happen again.

 

"Everybody wants to be the carnival queen. Everybody wants to be the carnival king or queen"

[Silent-Eyes]

"I've been watching your world from afar. I've been trying to be where you are. I've been secretly falling apart. Unseen. "

 

I find myself virtually incapable of breaking the psychological barrier

That is 1000 calories in a controlled manner

The nearest I have managed is 906 calories

I don't know how to get past it

I've been trying for the past two months

And not once have I managed to break 1000 calories in a controlled, healthy manner

Without binging and purging

It's stupid

Today I am at 821 calories

There are things I could eat to tip me over 1000 but I cannot bring myself to do it.

How does one do it?

I'll get back in my cage

And give her back my control

She can have me back

"Oh what a beautiful dead girl" she'll whisper

"Welcome back"

As she embraces me

So that is that.

I can't be normal.

 

"Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first. Sometimes the first thing you want never comes. I know waiting is all you can do. Sometimes. "