How the heck am I supposed to forgive?

[ajaxajax]

I have been posting on this website for a fair while mainly because I have been mingling with depression for a long time, even though I might not want to admit it. I've always wanted to express my anger over the major source of this depression, but I was always afraid to do so because me telling it like it is would have BIG reprecussions, especially in where I live, Australia!

 

But, I'm going to spit it out...and if I get kicked off Enotalone for doing this, I'll take full responsibility.

 

My father's Italian, yet despite Australia claiming itself to be proud of its Italian community, they make it all right for Australians to want to be Italian BUT NOT ALL RIGHT for Italians to stay Italian. My father always claimed Australia to be the "lucky country" and the "best country in the world" but I'm now so desparate to migrate to Italy because of Australia:

- forcing my father to do criminal activities on many occasions in the past (not recently but...) just to make ends meet - and he always got in trouble and hangs around with (and gets upset with deadbeats over it);

- constantly holding me back from having a good job and profession, probably because my father's Italian heritage and us coming from a poor neighbourhood, most of whom treat us like crap and actually stole from me the other day;

- shaping how my Australian mother and my Italian grandmother acted in such a rough way that I kept thinking "is this how every potential wife will act towards me?!"

- giving me the impression that any Italian woman (including one who is going out with an apparent drunken no brainer posh guy) will want to marry an Australian over me just because the Aussies appear to be giving them more freedom and more happiness, when many of such Aussie husbands actually treated them like rubbish (giving me the feeling that some Aussie women marry Italians because of it and having me wondering if my sister will end up getting trashed by her Aussie fiance)

- causing some Italians in Australia to act so stuck up (like many Australians - NOT ALL), that another sister of mine prefers to hang around with Lebanese and homosexuals over people of her own blood, and;

- causing both my father's and mother's family to treat us with such contempt just because of who we are (including our Catholic religion), that I just think they are literally families from hell!

 

And I almost always get in trouble over these idiots just because people prefer to take it out on me instead of actually dealing with these problems!

 

I just wanted nothing to do with the above EVER AGAIN, but I just feel that I have no choice but to go through it day after day just because everyone tells me "that's how life is"- and the problems get even harder because of me being half Australian!

 

A lot of my depression has got something to do with people not hearing about and understanding the above frustrations for fear of being verbally and/or physically punished! I am not indicting every Australian here, but even the good Aussies know that at least me copping the above bull**** has just got to stop!

 

I hope people can understand this who wants to not reply diplomatically might as well not respond at all!

[ajaxajax]

Judging by how I have already received 21 views without reply, I can tell that you are all quite shocked by what was written. I have to admit what I wrote was bloodthirsty and nasty. But, all I was doing was just replaying, mostly, what I feel is really happening within my life. I can, of course, use myself to make things better but I think certain conditions have to happen before I can really move on (eg getting a degree = getting a job = getting good money = getting independence = being able to move on with less reprecussions and being seen as a better man, husband, provider etc). In this example, that is just another 2 years away, but had everything the way it was supposed to, I probably would have gotten a job at least 3 years ago!

 

What also needs to be understood is that expressing my views here would hopefully get a more objective response than in an Australia only chat room. I can do that too, but I fear I would just get angry responses, death threats and "Italians suck" comments! So much for Australia being the "lucky country"! That is also part of my problem...being too polite about giving criticisms and responding to criticisms, especially when people were not polite with you to start with!

 

If anyone does get offended (and is of genuine heart, mind and soul), I do deeply apologise for the extreme post that I have made and hope that a good understanding can arise out of it.

[melrich]

Well I am Australian and I am not going to attack you. I do think 1st, 2nd and even 3rd generation immigrants do have a legitimately tough time and have to work very hard for acceptance and equal treatment.

 

Having said that, Italians, being one of the first immigrant waves in the 1950s are very much an accepted and treasured part of the culture here nowadays.

 

 

 

I appreciate this was "stream of consciousness" type stuff but I think you should really go back and apply some strict rationality to these each of these thoughts individually because they are likely holding you back.

[ajaxajax]

I do thank you for responding, I know deep down this must have been pretty uncomfortable reading.

 

I have been trying to rationalise everything with great control, but, believe me, a lot of things I have to put up with (as an Australian citizen) I'm sure some Australians themselves would have been feeling embarrassed about. If you had bad non immediate families, neighbourhood, friends etc, how might that feel about the world around you? However, I keep feeling that I have to continue on this "old way" thinking in Australia just to become more accepted here...and that, I thought, has caused some of my father's and mother's associated families to just collapse!

 

For example, my father's parents divorced, my mother's parents divorced and my Australian uncle (mother's brother)'s divorced. Even the two folks who brought my parents together separated...and probably divorced!

 

I just wanted to feel that I can be accepted as an appropriate and acceptable Italian (albeit a half Australian Australian citizen) both by the Australians and by the Italians living in Australia.

 

P.S. I love my Australian mother just like she's all Italian...and I live in Adelaide, which might have added to my situation too. Whether Adelaide wants to admit it or not!