stopping the competition in my head

[tetur]

How do you get over feeling like you're in some sort of competition?

 

My ex and I are trying to remain friends. He has other female friends who, even when we were dating, never bothered me. But he has this one... I can't seem to shake the jealousy I have towards her.

 

The crazy thing is that I actually believe him when he says he has no romantic interest in her. Yet still I'm jealous and I still feel threatened by her. It's like I'm afraid she's hoing to take even his friendship away from me. I know it's ridiculous.

 

She has told him she is interested in him and she is always doing something that, IMO, seems to be an attempt to "buy" his affection. I've been there with others in my past so I notice the signs.

 

The specific thing that has me frustrated today is that he was recently promoted & I wanted to do something special for him to celebrate but before I could do anything for him she jumped in. She took him to an expensive dinner, bought him nice gifts and baked him a huge made from scratch cake AND to top it off bought him the EXACT same plant I was going to buy him. (how's that for coincidence?).

This promotion was a big deal to him and I really wanted to do something special for him but now I feel that I need to do something to "trump" her actions as well. But it's like "what's left?". On the flipside, it makes me so angry that I feel this way that it makes me want to do nothing for him at all out of spite.

 

I feel like if I did the things I would normally do they would be insignifigant because she has already done them. I know that just because she did them doesn't mean that he would appreciate my actions less but I *feel* that way. I feel like I'm in some sort of competition with her.

 

How do I stop the circles running in my mind about this and convince myself to just be me, do what I would normally have done and he either appreciates it more simply because it was from me or he doesn't. How do I become ok with that?

UGH!

[flower99]

First can I ask, how recent is this ex? who did the break up? Remaining friends with an ex is difficult on so many levels. This is one of them.

 

I think it's very good that you have recongized you are 'competeing' with this other girl. However it's important to also think hard about what you are competing for. You're ex's attention is one big one...but what do you want it for- do you still want a relationship with him? it's obvious that is what she is wanting. what are You hoping to win through this competition?

 

You have to begin to let go & realize you won't be the one to make him happy forever. So it's good he has someone else who is treating him good & making him feel special & happy. She may be trying to date him right now (whether he wants her or not) but the point is if it's not her, it will be someone else. You won't always be able to be that special person in his life anymore.

Garanteed he will always cherish you & the memories you had.

But other women will begin to walk into his life. And being friends with an ex you will watch it all first hand & you will mostlikely feel competative. (how would you feel if he did start to date her?)

 

I think the best way to get passed the feeling competative - is to distance myself from the guy. And remember no girl can earse the memories we had and what we shared. That's special!

And sometimes being friends with the ex,when I'm not over them brings out the worse in us, the jealousy & the competativness...ect. And I don't want to be remembered for that...So i back off & remind myself that if it was meant to be it would have been.

[tetur]

Technically we broke up in January but the most time we've spent apart since then is about 5 days.

 

How would I feel if he started dating her? I would / will be extremely upset when he starts to date anyone else but it would actually be worse if it was her. She has been an issue in our relationship in the past and if they were to start dating I'm sure all of those issues would resurface.

 

I do know no one can erase the time we've spent together and I know based on certain things that have happened between us that I am special to him - it's just not the same special he is to me.

 

I guess I just feel that if i can get over her I can be ok with anyone and we'll be ok as friends...