I'd appreciate some feedback

[EyesOnThePrize]

I found out the other day that a lot of my ex-wife did not consult some of her closest friends about her decision to ask for the divorce, to move out of state and to hook up with this new guy. They are feeling somewhat out of the loop. Now, I think her big influences were another close friend of hers, who is a very bitter person (I like this person's good qualities, but her bitter side repulses me) and, of course, slimeball.

 

I was thinking of getting in touch with a couple of these friends, with whom I'm also friendly, however not nearly to the extent that she is, and ask them if they would be willing to talk to me in confidence. I trust the two about whom I am specifically thinking to not say anything to her if they give me their word. I'd like to tell them that I have a lot of concern about her, too, and that I am interested in a reconciliation at some point, and that I am not going to interfere in her current relationship and, in fact, am planning to distance myself from her. These people have seen me interact with her a lot, and I was going to ask them for examples of where they saw me be ineffective in my communication with her and I don't want them to pull any punches, because I don't think I'll ever be able to correct these behaviors if I stay unaware of them. I also want them to know that even though I'm not going to be having much communication with her, that I really am still there for her, I'm just taking time to heal and work on myself, and giving her the space she has requested to heal.

 

Part of me thinks this is a good idea, because these are (in my mind) her most sensible friends and part of me thinks it bad because its still somehow tying me to her and not letting me move forward. So, I'd appreciate some feedback.

 

Thanks!

[stickman]

It's hard to trust anyone these days.

 

I would try to focus on me a lot more and get more active with things to make myself better in stead of dwelling on that which you cant fix. Your EX has got to be on her own for awhile and lie in the bed that she has made....sorry about the pun.

 

It is the HARDEST thing we can do by leaving them alone because we wnat to help or convince them that they made a mistake or change them....WE CANT DO IT.

 

Any and all healing and changes must come from within ourselve. The character of the person, age, maturity, timing...all impact how long or even IF they or ourselves are capable of healing or making needed change.

 

We have free will....to love or leave...or heal....and put things right.

 

If you give her time, eventually you will have your answer.

 

The deepr the wound, the longer it takes to heal. Think about a cut on your finger or a stab wound. One heals in a few days....the other takes a long time.

 

We all have today only once...then it is gone!! Live for today. You may be miserable today...but you wont be forever! Your team might have one the Gold Cup or Superbowl and they are on top of the world...but like the bad times, the good times dont last forever either.

 

Set a small goal...take baby steps and move on with your life for YOU. You cant love another until you love yourself even more.

[EyesOnThePrize]

stickman - I appreciate that, and I think there's a lot in there that makes sense to me. And I'm more thinking about it on just the level of contacting her friends. I believe that if they can point out ways I was inefficient with her, it will help me improve those characteristics in myself. I just don't want them telling her about it (or maybe I do?) in terms of her considering it a "ploy" to split up her and her new boyfriend. Maybe I'll wait a few weeks or months until I ask. I think it could be valuable feedback to me. I just think it may be too soon.

[kuiks8]

I don't know...i would think she would look at you going to her friends as being very underhanded...If my husband did that I would not like it...if she hasn't told them much about it there must be a reason and i think you telling them things she hasn't would have negative ramifications.

I don't think you need anyone else's opinion on where things went wrong, if you took some time to examine your actions and patterns I am sure you could come up with it on your own...

[EyesOnThePrize]

Thanks, kuiks. I know a lot of the areas, and want to focus on them, and I crave information (which sometimes was a failing...lol) and want to know everything so I can fix it all. That's what my mind tells me, anyway.

[kuiks8]

Thanks, kuiks. I know a lot of the areas, and want to focus on them, and I crave information (which sometimes was a failing...lol) and want to know everything so I can fix it all. That's what my mind tells me, anyway.

 

i get the desire...i would just be careful if you truly want her back I think involving her friends that she did not could bite you in the end.

[Mustang]

I am not sure if this is a good idea.

 

I can understand exactly why you want to do it. I have often contemplated doing the same thing with some of my ex girlfriend's friends. But the only thing is that I would worry too much about what my ex girlfriend would think and that's why I haven't done it and I don't think I will.

 

I asked myself this question: "What exactly can her friends say to her that will make her go "awww you're right, I do want him back!"?"

 

I too feel like I could really plead my case and get her friends on my side, but girls talk and sooner or later everything you pour on her friends will get back to her and it could make you look even weaker.

 

I don't know, it could be different in your case, but I can only see it doing more harm than good. You could say the nicest things in the world and have her friends give their all to get you and her back together but the fact is, it's not giving her the freedom and respect that she wants.

 

I wish I had answers and I still feel like my ex doesn't quite understand how I feel. I think she expects that getting back with me will mean she won't enjoy uni as much and her life will change and she'll feel like she's going BACK. That's not how I want it to be. All I'm asking is that I can maybe she her every now and then and see how things go. But I've tried and tried so many things, I've tried being cool with everything, I've tried being honest, I've tried being the old me, I've tried to be a positive person and supportive "friend", everything... but if she doesn't want to come back then all I can do is try and move on and WAIT. I know I shouldn't be waiting but I really believe that I can get her back one day.

 

I suppose what I'm saying is that if you believe in something enough then it will happen. You can't force anything.

 

I should start taking my own advice!

[EyesOnThePrize]

Thanks for all the great feedback. I'm going to shelve this idea. I think that I will just keep working on myself. If she responds to that, great. If she doesn't, well, I'll still have improved myself for someone who will appreciate it more. I'd say "maybe even one of her friends", however I've never particularly been attracted to her friends. But damn, I bet it would piss her off if I started seeing one of them. lol.