He untagged our Facebook photos: why???

[Suzanne1281]

The guy that has just started NC with his ex for me is really down about that right now and I told him I'd give him his space which I am. There were photos of us together on Facebook (if you're familiar with it, you can tag people in your photos and it shows up on their pages as well). Nothing romantic at all, just photos of us together with friends.

 

Well today I sign on and he untagged all of our photos together. They were there last night and now they are not. He still has his ex as a friend on Facebook. Why did he untag our photos? I have no reason to believe he is angry with me. If he was, I'm sure he would contact me about it. Did he do it so as not to upset his ex? I am so confused and upset. Any male opinions would help. I am so upset right now I can't even work.

[eleanorrigby1]

You need to ask him.

 

This happened to a friend of mine, a guy she had begun seeing kept de-tagging himself from photos that she posted and then he changed his status to 'in a relationship', so she messaged him and it turned out he had got back with his ex.

 

That was her story! facebook is a minefield of rubbish that prevents us from having conversations in the real world!

 

I had sooo many rows with my boyfriend initially about who he added as friends, old crushes, whether an ex-girlfriend had messaged him.. etc.

 

Take this out of the cyber world and ring him up and say "hey i noticed you untagged our photos how come?"

 

dont surmise, dont comment, just ask WHY.

 

He should not be worried about upsetting his ex, if she is indeed his 'ex'.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this can't be a good sign... he may be thinking about de-coupling with you, or just telling you what you want to hear (that he is not contacting his ex) when he actually is.

 

Facebook has an edge of covert spying or watching him, and can mean nothing or mean a lot depending on whether he is using it to reflect his inner state or not. You need to talk to him to see why he did this. The only way you'll know what is really going on is to talk about it and find out.

[Suzanne1281]

 

Facebook has an edge of covert spying or watching him, and can mean nothing or mean a lot depending on whether he is using it to reflect his inner state or not. You need to talk to him to see why he did this. The only way you'll know what is really going on is to talk about it and find out.

 

 

That's the thing: I feel like it'll look like I'm spying on him (honestly I was just looking through my pictures) and that will just make matters worse. I don't know how to go about it without it looking like that. The only thing that's confusing me right now is that he didn't unfriend me I guess. Facebook does reflect what is going on with him right now: both his facebook and myspace statuses say how "f----- miserable " and "sad" he is right now.

[ghost69]

are you even dating him?

[Suzanne1281]

are you even dating him?

 

Yes. Since November. I've been on here the past few days because he told me last week he was torn about his feelings for me and his ex. He said he didn't want to have feelings for her anymore, that he wanted a future with me. By the end of our conversation, he made the decision that he had to break it off completely with her. I talked to him Monday, he said he was sorry for leaving me in the dark but it had been a hard week. I told him I would give him his space and he said he appreciated it and would probably feel better by the end of the week. Now I go online today and this happened.

[ghost69]

Yes. Since November. I've been on here the past few days because he told me last week he was torn about his feelings for me and his ex. He said he didn't want to have feelings for her anymore, that he wanted a future with me. By the end of our conversation, he made the decision that he had to break it off completely with her. I talked to him Monday, he said he was sorry for leaving me in the dark but it had been a hard week. I told him I would give him his space and he said he appreciated it and would probably feel better by the end of the week. Now I go online today and this happened.

 

don't base your relationship with what happens online. but i wouldn't date someone that said they were torn between me and an ex.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Did his ex dump him? Is he only NOT with his ex because his ex won't be with him? And how recently did they break up.

 

The thing is you can't make him stop having feelings for his ex just by not contacting her. His feelings are his own. If it were me, i wouldn't feel confident that my relationship would succeed just because he stopped contacting his ex (or if I made him do so, which i wouldn't). He needs to understand and resolve those feelings not just the contact.

 

If he is seriously pining for her, i would tell him he needs to resolve those feelings before considering a serious relationship with me. You might date him casually, but until HE decides it is really over with her, you'll be playing second fiddle.

 

If he wants her back and she asks him back, he'll go back regardless of what you do. So i'd take it back to casual dating (and you keeping your own options open) if he is still pining for the ex, just to protect yourself in case he goes back or you are just the rebound.

[Suzanne1281]

Did his ex dump him? Is he only NOT with his ex because his ex won't be with him? And how recently did they break up.

 

.

 

They broke up 7 months ago mutually (and on and off before that). We started dating three months after that. Everything was fine until we started getting close and she began doing "girlfriend' things for him again (like sending him care packages). He said the return to his feelings was "only recent."

 

 

 

If he wants her back and she asks him back, he'll go back regardless of what you do. So i'd take it back to casual dating (and you keeping your own options open) if he is still pining for the ex, just to protect yourself in case he goes back or you are just the rebound.

 

 

I decided that I did not want to casually date and did make it clear I wanted a relationship. This was before the ex re-entered the picture. I am going home this weekend and I told him that I am, and I feel like it's a big mistake. He will probably be alone with his thoughts of her and I feel like if I were there, things might be different. But like you said, regardless of what I do, the feelings will still be there. I realize even if I did stay this weekend, the issue will still be there in the long run if he does still want to go back to her. For some reason I have a feeling they are trying to "work things out" again.

[spazmy]

Suzanne,

 

You are not making a big mistake. Listen honey, you are not getting the bigger picture. And it is absolutely understandable. You really love him and do want him to not contact his ex. But if there are feelings within him, there is no power on earth that can stop them from surfacing. If you really value him, be kind to him -- be there as a friend. It has been seven months. In all likelihood, these are residual feelings -- they did break up for a reason. Find out what that reason is, and understand how deeply it did cut through them. If the reason was a strong one, then your friend is clearly going to question his own decision. If the reason was not a strong one, then, anything can happen.

 

As I understand it, whatever you do, do it with a smiling face -- even if it kills you from within. Understand that one cannot make another love if they are not prepared. But one can pave the way for it.

 

Here is what I would do.

 

Call him up and tell him that you will think of him while you are gone and you do so want what is the best for him. And then leave it at that.

 

I can gaurantee you this. Reconciliations rarely ever work if one has not looked into key issues. And in nine out of ten cases, at least one of the parties has not done this. Jealousy is a powerful thing and sometimes people can change their minds when another enters the picture. But think of it -- the more you stick on to him, the more determined his ex will be as well to get back with him. Once she sees that somebody else values him just as much, if not much much more, she will intensify her efforts.

 

Also, prepare yourself for a long bumpy ride. Get set for the roller coaster. This is only the beginning. I assure you, after some time, things will subside and you will be peaceful. Have patience. Things will become clear.

[spazmy]

Also, why do you think his feelings for her are recent. It appears to me he never did process the demise of his relationship.

 

Think about yourself sweetheart. Think about your own heart. Do you want to be with him as he processes this? Do you want to put yourself through this torture.

 

Spare yourself.

 

It is so annoying thinking of how selfish we can get. You are an innocent bystander who has just been thrown into this conflict between him and his ex -- and now you suffer while they slug it out (or exchange care packages).

 

Protect yourself.

 

Think "I" first.

 

Think about your own well being.

 

Also, three months is hardly time to develop too strong an attachment. You can still get out of this with your head held high.

 

This is my advice. But I would most certainly appreciate it if others could comment on what I said to help Suzanne. I do want to see the best possible advice for her to decide on her course of action.

 

Help her please

[Suzanne1281]

 

 

Here is what I would do.

 

Call him up and tell him that you will think of him while you are gone and you do so want what is the best for him. And then leave it at that.

 

 

Thank you so much for your help. It is so good to have someone with so much advice on this. I really need to learn that patience thing, lol. I'm confused though, I thought I was supposed to leave him his space this week.

 

I will keep on "smiling" even though it is very hard. I am not sure about calling him when he said he appreciated me giving him space. It has only been two days since I last spoke with him.

 

My comment on how his feelings for her are recent are that he said he re-developed feelings with her "recently". It is funny you called me the "innocent" bystander because he actually said something similar: that he was sorry I was innocent in all this and had to get caught up in it.

[spazmy]

The thing is he is not at all innocent. And he knows it. Which is why he is going to go through guilt, apart from the fact that he is going to go through the uncertainty of what is going to happen between him and his ex. Yes, perhaps it is not a good idea to contact him just yet. Wait for a bit.

 

In my case, I can say that my initial feelings for the new girl were not without good reason. I had genuinely reached the end of the rope with my ex. While in the beginning after the cheating and the dumping I did not see this and was completely caught up in trying to see myself as being in love with my ex, over time, it became clear that I have no feelings whatsoever for my ex. In fact, I sit in the same class with her these days and watch with some sadness how I have come such a great distance that I can actually see myself as being absolutely unininterested in her.

 

But for this to happen, it took a long long time. It took time to understand what breakup meant. Even seven months was not enough. It took almost a year.

 

 

So really, the key point is this. He is not over her. Nor has he processed his feelings over why they broke up. In such a situation, you were strung along for the ride.

 

What remains to be seen is if he will, like me, ultimately understand and know who he truly loves and values. I can say that I understood this and even if I never get together with the girl, I will know that she is ultimately the one who will matter to me in memories and my dreams when I grow old.

 

If I get together with her though, I will let you know love.

 

Take care of yourself and know that everything happens for the better. It is always important to find somebody who will love you with all their heart and not with half their heart. And if he is that person, then he first needs to find himself.

[Suzanne1281]

 

In my case, I can say that my initial feelings for the new girl were not without good reason. I had genuinely reached the end of the rope with my ex. While in the beginning after the cheating and the dumping I did not see this and was completely caught up in trying to see myself as being in love with my ex, over time, it became clear that I have no feelings whatsoever for my ex.

 

But for this to happen, it took a long long time. It took time to understand what breakup meant. Even seven months was not enough. It took almost a year.

 

 

That happened to me with my last ex boyfriend. I went back out with him for almost a year before I was finally able to just get away because I knew I just didn't have feelings for him anymore. The first time I tried to break up with him, there was a WONDERFUL guy there who liked me and was perfect for me and l made it clear that I liked him...and then went back to my ex because he was so persistent about loving me and wanting to change. In the end it didn't work...and the guy that would have been perfect had moved on by then.

 

I have been stewing on it all day and came to the conclusion that you told me: I can't control his feelings and can't be around him when he is like this. No matter what I do: stay or go out of town, spend as much time as possible with him, is going to make the feelings for his ex stop coming back.

 

Basically the reason I want to contact him is because I am very confused as to why he took off all pictures of me on Facebook. It hurts very much, and our conversation was not about us ending or our friendship ending. So why would he do that? I guess never is a good time to contact him, but it's killing me to not know why he did THAT. All I want is closure on that subject: to just send a "How are you doing?" text and see what happens from there. I feel like he is mad at me and did that as a result and I have no idea why.

[spazmy]

Suzanne,

 

Closure does not come from without. It comes from within. If we only realized this truth, we would not put it in the other's court.

 

Of course, in your case, it is a bit too early to know why this happened and what it means. However, stay strong. If you have to contact him -- do so. Perhaps it is necessary that you face the pain one last time before you set yourself for moving on.

 

De-tagging you out of facebook is something he did because he perhaps did not express his feelings fully to you. This is something many people do. The way things are, people always ask you to try and move on by dating others and trying to work it out with others. And so many of us buy into this logic without going through the full range of emotions that we associate with a breakup. He bought into this hook line and sinker. Which is why now he is trying to justify to himself that he really had no feelings for you -- where in all likelihood he may have -- but they may not have completely overridden his feelings for his ex.

 

In my case, I too was asked by many to get involved with others. The only way to get over someone is to get under another -- I was repeatedly told.

 

But as I moped and moped about it for months, I realized that why others were saying this. They wanted me to protect myself from myself. They wanted me to not feel lonely and to try and seek a miracle cure in the companionship of another for my heartbreak.

 

This is no solution. In the end, all the skeletons will surface. There is never any getting away from them. So really, if you think he is going to feel good about hooking up with his ex -- possibly not. He is going to also think of you. And if he is a weak minded person, he will do the same thing he did to you with his ex. He is going to get in touch with you.

 

Which is why I am saying steer clear of him. The pain and the loss will only be momentary -- given that you were together only three months. Within a month you will have moved on. And if not, then you can contact him at that stage. Right now, trust me, anything you say to him, will be held against you -- you will, to some degree, stoke his ego, which ultimately will make him believe that he is appearing powerful before his ex -- and she will only get more attracted to him in the process.

 

Don't be dumped by this loser. Dump him.

 

 

Plain and simple.

 

And finally, trust me, all the answers will come one by one, slowly and steadily over the days, weeks, months and years that follow. The answers only come to those who have patience and also self respect.

 

Try not to be weak. If you feel weak, think about the great person you are and why you do not deserve this kind of second-hand treatment. Ask yourself, is this person really worth it? In my case, I realize that the girl I love is. And I will wait for her. But usually, this is not the case. People are not so special -- because they oftentimes act out of selfishness. Find out if what drew you to this person is really what you are seeing in him as the situation unfolds.

 

I will be supportive and write in because I know exactly how you feel -- and can more than empathize. I also write because somebody similarly empathized with me and got me through my pain -- and that is the girl I keep mentioning

 

Take care sweetheart. Protect yourself -- most important.