My turn to vent

[EyesOnThePrize]

Okay, here I'm the one who always says "all people make sense all the time." So, I'll admit up front that I know what my ex is doing makes sense to her, and I know what slimeball, er, the new boyfriend, is doing and has done makes sense to him. Now, I'll also say that, under the guise of being loving and protective, I've attempted to ram my opinion of this guy down her throat. In retrospect, this was probably a mistake, and probably pushed her closer to him. Now, that may be okay, because it may mean she finds out what I believe is his true character sooner rather than later, and hopefully that splits them up. Its not that I want her to feel pain, its that I think this guy is bad news for her. And, I know I'm biased in the situation, so I wanted to get some outside input.

 

The guy my ex is with is a guy she's known from trade shows and conventions for a year and a half or maybe more (they work in the same industry). My wife is somewhat of a celebrity in this industry, or at least a segment of it. In case that isn't clear, I'd equate it to someone who is a well known cardiologist. At a doctor's convention of 1,000 doctors, maybe 800 had never heard of him, however the other 200 and especially the 100 cardiologists there, treated him as a celebrity. She became friendly with this guy and he started giving her lots of gifts, and they would go out in groups and hang out together. Then she starts talking to him a lot, e-mailing him, and text messaging him. He starts to become her confidante instead of me. The day before she asks me for the divorce, there are over 300 text messages back and forth between them (I counted). Even before we file papers (or perhaps right after, I don't remember the exact date) he is sending her text messages with lots of "I love you so much" and lord knows what they are talking about on the phone. Within 2 1/2 weeks of the divorce going final, which was only 6 weeks after she asked for the divorce, they are dating, and 2 weeks later they are boyfriend/girlfriend and they are signing a joint lease on a new place.

 

Now, I don't want to discount my ex-wife's role in this. She chose to hang out with him, accept the gifts, have the conversations. She chose to give up on me being able to change and to make him her confidante. Similarly, I chose to blindly trust her with this guy, and ignore the warning signs that we were in trouble. So, I believe there are no angels here.

 

However, I think there is one devil here. The way I see it, this guy has been after her since day 1, and I think as much because of her celebrity status as anything. I doubt he ever said "Hey, you're a married woman. You should probably be talking to your husband about these things and not me." Even if my ex-wife said "He won't listen, only you listen to me!" I think he still should have said "Well, why don't you resolve things with him first, and then you and I can get back to talking. Right now, I think I'm more of a distraction than anything." I also think he's slime because of the way he went after her right after the divorce. Now, my ex says that they discussed it, and she even told him that it was alright with her. Now, if its me, I still say "You know, you just got divorced, you're likely confused, and if we love each other, we'll still love each other in a few months, so why don't you take some time to heal and grieve." Instead, he moved right in. The other night I said to her "Of course he agreed. He wanted to get into your pants and he's been waiting a long time." Okay...in retrospect, probably a poor choice of words, and I still believe that basic sentiment. Especially given my ex-wife's depression and mood swings, and the drama that she totes around with her everywhere she goes, I think his mindset was "Hey, I get to nail XXXX and tell everyone she's my new gf and I better do it now because this isn't going to last long." Now, I think he has real feelings for her, and I think she has real feelings for him. And at the same time, my ex tells me "He's not more important than you, he's just important differently" and "He has plenty of flaws" and she's already jealous of other women paying attention to him. She accused me of thinking he was a predator the other night.

 

You know what? Yes, I think he's a predator. I think he went after a depressed, vulnerable, married woman because she was an easy target, rather than do what anyone with any balls (although he is very 'macho') would do and go after someone who wasn't already in a relationship. I think he showed her (and me, and himself for that matter) zero respect in this. And I just hope she sees his true colors before he hurts her too badly. Does it sound like I'm reading too much into things? Has anyone else ever dealt with (or, frankly been) someone like this?

 

Okay, thanks for letting me rant.

[tazthecat]

wow, agonizing situation..Sorry man...

 

Well this guy reminds me of a friend of mine a few years back. He would only choose women who were married, engaged, or in a long term relationships..I asked why he would waste his time with this. He told me it was all in the challenge..The thrill of the hunt..He told me that single, drunk and lonely women aren't much competition.

 

Now to get a married woman(with kids are extra points), to fall for him, sleep with him, and as much as to leave their husbands and family was the greatest achievement for him..

 

I asked what he got out of this. He just smiled and said the golden ring. The stanley cup. He won the super bowl. The top prize. He won the lottery. He became president, etc..

 

I looked at it in a deeper perception, and I kinda felt bad for him, that he would live his life like this.

 

My guess is that he had a real close relationship and someone did it to him, so in turn he does it to everyone else. I'm not sure.

 

I'm sure the guy your wife is with is getting some kind of high off this, as sick and pathetic as it is..

 

I just hope Karma comes a knocking and sends them both for a loop..

[Litgirl01]

(((((((HUGS))))))) I think you are growing so much through all of this! Not that it will make you feel any better...but you are!

[EyesOnThePrize]

He already had his appendix burst a few weeks ago. That's not enough pain for him, as far as I'm concerned. Like I said, I think he has real feelings for her, and zero respect for her, or himself, for that matter. This guy also has a daughter out of wedlock. Apparently the result of a night that "went to far" with a friend (my understanding is they were never bf/gf). Now, this was when he was about 21, and people aren't necessarily as responsible at 21 as they are later, and I think it still shows he was more concerned about getting his d*ck wet then the woman. Regardless of why she chose to have the baby (it may have been religious reasons, although I'm not sure), he forever changed her life at 20 or so years old because he was a selfish bastard...IMO, of course.

 

When this guy's appendix was getting ready to burst, he wouldn't call any of his male friends to take him to the hospital because that didn't seem manly to him. Then, when he was released from the hospital, he immediately arranged a business trip because he didn't think his 2nd in command was capable of handling it. And every time I argue with my ex, he threatens to get on a plane and come out here. What? To beat me up? Did I mention he was a macho jerk?

 

To see him work this crap on the woman I love kills me. To see her fall for it because I had pushed her that far away kills me more. The good news is how upset she got when I told her my concerns about him. Why do I think that's "good news", despite the fact that it may have pushed her closer to him? I think the only reason she got so upset was because she's already had a lot of these thoughts herself, and to see me verbalize them has her seeing that this guy isn't nearly as smooth and clever as he wants people to believe. If she was so confident he was so wonderful, why would her ex-husband's opinion upset her? She says she thinks I don't want her to be happy. I do want her to be happy, I just think this sack-o-crap isn't going to give her anything but short-term happiness until he moves on to his next conquest, and leaves her in the dust.

 

I think your friend is pathetic, and when you say "both of them", I hope you mean "slimeball and my friend", not "slimeball and Eyes' ex."

[EyesOnThePrize]

(((((((HUGS))))))) I think you are growing so much through all of this! Not that it will make you feel any better...but you are!

 

This is true, and, IMO, sad. If I had not received the huge wake-up call of the divorce, I'm not sure when, or if, I would have changed. I think I am now finally becoming the man I want to be. I still make mistakes, I still slide back into bad habits, and if you had talked to me 4 months ago, I think you'd wonder if it was the same person.

[EyesOnThePrize]

My ex just called me for the 3rd time today. I didn't take the 1st 2 calls. This one I took because I'm going to leave the office soon. She wanted to * * * * * about how our housemate was useless at helping her pack, how she can't find some books, and can I bring home dinner with me.

 

I've said it before...I think she's going to be in for a rude awakening when I go NC. She may be angry at first, and then I think she'll realize how important her interaction with me is. Now, if her new guy gives her the same sort of interaction, it may not be as big a deal for her, and even now she'll call to talk to him and then call me with the same issue so she can get my opinion. I think there will be a huge void for her...I just don't know what she'll do about it.

[EyesOnThePrize]

BTW, if anyone has a spare tire iron and want so say "hi" to this guy, let me know.