Not sure about 3rd date

[Cindersam]

I met a man through EHarmony. We exchanged messages for a while and got along great. We then met for coffee. The conversation was good but I didn't feel attracted to him. I told myself that I would see him one more time to be sure. Two weeks later we went out to dinner. Once again the conversation was good but no physical attraction.

 

He is a great guy with a lot of the quallities I am looking for. I don't know if there's nothing really there or if maybe I am putting up walls to keep from getting hurt again. I know that sometimes if you are attracted to someone's personality the physical attraction can come later. But at this point I would really feel very awkward if he tried to kiss me or even hold my hand.

 

A couple of my friends think I should go out with him again to be sure but I don't want to lead him on if I'm not interested. That's the frustrating part - I don't know if I'm interested or not.

 

He wants to go out again this weekend. He wants me to pick what to do. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

[Batya33]

I would see him 4 times, but not more and if by the 4th date you don't feel any attraction - you don't want to kiss him - then I would stop. I would say not to see him again if you didn't enjoy his company at all, but since you do, give it one or two more times. And, offer to treat or pay your own way so that you don't feel like you're leading him on (I don't think 4 dates is leading on).

[jengh]

hmm, it's very well possible that you've put your guard up to keep from getting hurt. I've found myself doing the same thing with guys I would normally be into, who have what I'm looking for. Is it possible that you're just not ready to date?

 

It's very frustrating and I get what you're saying. I don't think it would hurt to go out with him again, but like you said, you don't want to lead him on.

 

Just take things slow. Maybe just do something outdoors (I see you're in Cali so the weather is warm enough). Not sure if you're by the water or not, but you could take a walk on the beach, or have a picnic or something low-key.

[Slyght]

If the attraction isn't there, then it isn't there. A lot of people on these sites don't even bother with a second date if the person didn't knock them off their feet, so the fact you gave the guy a second chance is pretty gracious of you.

 

If I was in his shoes, I wouldn't want to be led on, and going on three or four dates *could* give him the wrong impression. I don't know how one would want to break the news, because nobody likes to be told they're unattractive. I don't want to be one to advocate just straight up start ignoring him, but it seems to (sadly) be a popular technique on dating sites.

[Batya33]

I've met several happily married couples where the spark wasn't there at first and took time to build - one in particular where it wasn't there until the fourth date. As long as her intention isn't to just get a free meal but to see if something can build over a little more time, that is not leading a person on. Four dates is just four dates, not a relationship.

[Cindersam]

Yes it could be that I'm not ready to date but I should be. It's been over a year since my break up. It was a six year relationship and I know I'm not totally over it but I am not looking to get back together with him either. I thinks it's normal to take a while to get over a long term relationship. But does that mean I'm not ready to date? I don't know.

 

You're right Batya, four dates is just four dates not a relationship.

 

Anu suggestions about what we could do that would be casual (not intentionally romantic) ?

[jengh]

hmmm...are you guys into museums? you could hit up an art museum or something... or if you like animals, go to the zoo...

[ghost69]

actually, i think physical attraction comes first. always has for me, my friends, any girl i've dated, etc. i'm sure some people will say it doesn't matter to them. and i'm sure most people that say that are lying to themselves. everyone has a physical limit where they draw the line. i think you are feeling it here.

[Batya33]

I have found people physically attractive but not felt chemistry or otherwise "clicked" so I've been on the fence as to whether to continue. With others, I felt little or no physical attraction until I got to know the person. In one case, we were friendly for over a year, went on one non-date where I wondered if perhaps there was more to it. On the next date, the chemistry was so intense, out of nowhere, like being hit over the head. That's happened to me more than once. I can meet someone and find him physically attractive right off the bat but it can take longer for me to feel like I want to kiss the person or like we click. And, I can meet someone and not really go for his looks but then on getting to know him, there is obvious chemistry and he starts to look cuter and cuter.

[ghost69]

i understand that happens. but there is a physical limit. if he was hideous i bet you would have thought otherwise and never considered. everyone has a limit. i will argue this to death. read my sig.

[Batya33]

Of course I have a limit and if you read my posts I was referring to the situations where I am on the fence. If I find someone repulsive looking or acting I am not going to see the person again - that's an easy one. I am not picky about looks per se, so if I think he is nice looking/presentable looking and enjoy the evening, I likely will see him again to see if the attraction grows. If I continue to have a nice time but no real desire to kiss him I give it until the 4th date.