Getting over the love of my life, or not? I need help.

[Boromir]

Hi everyone. I am new to this forum and I just want to say that I am impressed not only with the honesty that everyone has shown with their relative issues, but also the support from people trying to help. It has helped me a great deal reading about things that are similar to what I am going through too. It kind of has inspired me to share what I have been going through the last few months because I have had a hard time.

 

Over the summer my girlfriend (of four years) and I broke up. I was the one who pulled the plug but in reality the problems we had would have ended things anyway. She was planning on getting a Masters degree in another city, and while she was at one point sort of welcoming me to move with her, she wasn't ready to move in together. I wasn't going to move away for my own one bedroom apartment. We had talked about moving in together a year or so prior, but is didn't work out. We had broken up for a few months thereafter, her saying that she didn't want a serious boyfriend anymore.

 

It was really hard the first time we broke up. 9-11 had a huge impact on me and all I could think about was what would happen in something happened to my girlfriend. I felt that if anything happened to her, that I wouldn't be able to go on. She was my lover, my best friend, and just one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

 

When she was dating her previous boyfriend, she said that they were only serious the first two years, but thereafter dated other people while she was kind of with him. They had an arrangement that she could do anything but actually have intercourse with the guys she dated, and only actually slept with him. Screwed up I know, when she told me about this when we first dated I was shocked, and I told her there would be no way I would even put myself in that situation. He never really got over her when she broke up with him to be serious with me, and they have remained friends. I paid attention to this because I was afraid I'd see this myself one day. When we broke up, she wanted to date other people for awhile and then get back together with me when she was ready for a serious relationship. She even said she could see herself dating someone else for awhile before coming back. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

 

Well, crunch time came for her to decide what she wanted from me, and when I told her that I wasn't waiting anymore, she came back.

 

When she said she wanted to move away, she also said she kind of wanted to go alone to be on her own, something she had never done before. She had a boyfriend for 5 years before me and was with me for 4, and I guess I can understand. I have had periods where I didn't have a girlfriend and I can't say I liked it. I tried to tell her that to no avail.

 

As time went by though, we felt that we didn't have a future and things did get weird. She ended up getting a second job, went back to school, and started spending time with friends I didn't know. I had a hard time with things and tried to tell her about it, but she said this was just the way things were now. There was something missing, and we were drifting apart. So I broke up with her. She was crushed and tried for a few weeks to make amends, but by that point I was angry about putting all that time in for four years and not really having a future. If things were going to end, they might as well end now while things aren't going so great. I felt like it was the right decision.

 

Well, after the anger subsided, I did miss her and asked her if she wanted to get back together, in which she replied that she had gotten over it now, was focused on her life and the things she had to get done, and started dating other people. Now I was crushed. To be honest, if I found someone else who was better than her I might have never gone back, but a lot of me just felt stupid for what I had done, since I felt like I lost my best friend and my girlfriend. She was my life, and I couldn't look at anything, especially my apartment, without being reminded of her.

 

I never really wanted to end things, just give her a wake up call. I wanted to marry this girl one day. We had our ups and downs and to be honest survived a lot, but enough where I could see that someone may not want to back in it. She said it was too intense and that we were no longer good for each other. She also made a point that she didn't want a boyfriend period. She just wanted to date and not be serious with anyone since she was moving next summer anyway.

 

I didn't give up for five months. Then recently I learned that she was going up to Minnesota to visit her new boyfriends parents over Thanksgiving. I was shocked. I didn't realize that she was getting serious with anyone. When I asked her about it, she said they were just 'dating' and weren't serious, but come on ladies, would any girl in her right mind go accross country to visit a guy's parent's if they were just casually dating? I think you'd have to really like someone to do that. Then she said that she is still dating other people too and thinks this will be easier to leave than if she got back together with me. I asked what she thought about being in a relationship for the next six months and then leaving, and how this guy might get attached, and she said it wouldn't happen because he was cool about it all. She is pretty naive and it really reminds of the set up she had with her previous boyfriend, and what she wanted from me the previous summer: security from a guy who is there when you want him, and the freedom to go what you want.

 

Well, I guess I am sad that I blew this opportunity to stay together until she left. Who know what would have happened? I know what has been done has been done and that I should just move on, but I am still hurt that she would tell me that she didn't want a boyfriend and then do that. I always thought she was honest and now I don't feel like she is.

 

It sucks losing everything at once, girlfriend and best friend. To be honest, I don't want to be her friend because I really don't want to be reminded that I am not the most important thing anymore, that another guy is. She has been unbelievably supportive sometimes, has talked to me when I was sad even though it drove her nuts. But I get anxiety attacks and if I can't get a hold of her, I go nuts. I call her a bunch of times on her cell phone, I wonder what she is doing. I know that if I had someone else in my life, this probably wouldn't be as hard. She was my life and while I can see that things may have turned this out because they weren't meant to be. . .

 

Thanks for all those that took the time to read this. I appreciate your thoughts.

[Tonk]

Hi

 

Sound to me like your ex needs to work out what she wants she seems pretty mixed up she kind of wants to have you but others. Personally dont think thats fair, open realtionships work for somepeople but it not my idea of a real relationship. Also this can only work if thats what both partners want and no one gets hurt which seems to not be the case. The best relationships our partners are our best firends and lovers and the most important thing in our lives after ourselfs!!!. Thats the key dont forget you have feelings, needs and requirements not just her. We can never truly care about someone else to we care about ourselves.

 

It is natural to want someone in our lives to share the ups and downs but sometimes we need to be strong enough on our own to be able to fully commit to our future.

 

I know sometimes when we lose someone we feel like we will never get over it. We do but the key in my mind is not to ignore it but realise its the past. There were good and bad times. it takes time to get to this stage and we go through a range of emotions on the way. The feelings will gradually dimish and we move on.

 

Hang in there mate

[Boromir]

Thanks Tonk.

 

I was going to say this in another thread, but I have realized that the heart only knows love and hurt. It has no logic, it does not reason. It only knows what it wants, whether it is a woman or something in a store window.

 

I can sit here and tell everyone who is trying to get over someone, including myself, that their ex doesn't deserve them and pure logic and reason says to be strong and move on. Keep your chin up and don't look back. Respect yourself. Normally when we hear friends and family say that someone isn't worth spending time on, they are right. This is hard for me because everyone loved my ex.

 

I think our minds understand all that but then our heart goes on a spontaneous tantrum and we feel like we are getting crushed. It is like we think that logically our problems would be solved if our ex came back, but usually it just prolongs the inevitable. There was a deep reason for the things that caused the breakup.

 

I have gotten back together with an ex once, and it was with my last ex (as we broke up before). I have missed my other exes at times and wondered what could have happened if things were different, but now I accept that things okay the way they turned out.

 

I was tracked down by a girl I was madly in love with in High School who had recently broken up with her boyfriend. She was beautiful. . . at least back then, she never did send a pic. , but anyway, in my mind I just felt it was history and left it at that.

 

It is much better to move forward and never look back. There is so much in front of us. That being said, you can tell from my original post that I do fall flat on my face from time to time. It has almost gotten me killed. To be honest though, I have gained so much strength reading these posts and realizing that, like the site says, I am not alone. If people before us can do it, as I am sure each of us has done it before so as well (like me, I forgot. . .), we sure as hell can too.

 

I miss my ex, but I think I miss who was my ex from a year and a half or so more. I wouldn't want to go right back to who we were when we broke up, and that is what would have happened if we did get back together. I broke up with her for a reason, and I have to give myself some credit for making a decision like that if my head was on straight, which I think it was. definitely more so than when my heart is freaking out.

[Tonk]

I hear what you are saying I sometimes think I am two people a heart and a mind. We need to use both. I was married for eight years looking at everything I sometimes wonder why it did not work. We definitely loved each other, we had similar interests and outlooks on live. her family adored me and vice versa. but in the end something wasnt right and I spent too much time ignoring my logic i.e. we werent happy and feeling we should make it work. believe me we tried but alas I think the problem was we were too competitive and we fought because of it the last 3 years were hell for both of us but i still think overall we were good for each other it just a shame we couldnt ignore our hearts and break up sooner. Such is live

 

Also remember there is good things and bad things about exes if it was all good they wouldnt be exes.

 

Listen to your mind as well, I am probably the worst person to tell you this as i tend to weigh up everthing then ignore my mind and go with what my heart says.

 

We all have times when we fall flat and also when we need help and support form others but they do not solve the problems generally they just help us to solve them ourselves. I think sometimes when I post problems I know the answers but I need confrimation that i am thinking normally but sometimes i am just too close to the problem to really see it.

[The Morrigan]

I agree in a large part with Tonk...

 

It sounds like your ex hasn't been able to come to terms with wanting a relationship, and accepting the strength of the feelings and longing for permanency that most people will start to work towards in a long term relationship. The security and love she wants are at odds with the amount of herself she's ready to invest, there's a part of herself she seems to hold back to be ready to escape when things start looking like they're getting more serious than she can handle. She did this with her ex, she did it with you, and it doesn't seem she's looking for anything working toward something permanent yet. Now, there's nothing wrong with not being ready in itself, except she seems to get herself into relationships that are at odds with her wanting freedom - and then hitting the panic button. I doubt her current guy she's dating is as "cool about it all" as she's leading herself to believe either, and it sounds like she's all set to hit the button on him as well.

 

There's really nothing you can do about this yourself, it's going to take time and a lot of soul searching on her part to figure out what she wants, why she's avoiding that type of committment, and why. She simply has to see this for herself.

 

I'm really sorry you ended up in this situation, but it seems like you need to start looking out for yourself again, and move on as best you can. I think sometimes it's hard to remember just how hard it can be to love someone, either in or out of a relationship, and still remain your own person. Time to take stock and really decide not just what you want from someone else - but what you want from yourself, and build on that for a while.

[Boromir]

I am back.

 

I heard some Christmas music (I know, already) and I am really bummed out. Christmas is my favorite time, and I really enjoyed spending it with my last girlfriend the last four years.

 

I know that it is over. I know she is not longer the girl I fell in love with. I know she has moved on. I know if we got back together it wouldn't work, too much BS has happened. I haven't called her since Sunday, which feels like a long time, so I am happy about that. It is just right now I am getting that urge to call her despite that logic says it won't solve anything.

 

I am wondering if this has more to do with me and how I feel about being alone, or if I really miss her. I guess it is both. I am hoping I'll be okay in 30min or so. It just sucks because when I felt bad about something, I always called her. I did this for four years, and right now have no one who really fills that role. . .

 

I was doing so well yesterday and last night. This forum really inspired me. I feel like I am dipping down again. I feel like I can't breathe. I get so anxious. . . I know I just need to calm down.

[phantpwr]

Hey I totally relate on the anxiety thing. I get that too.. Actually I never really noticed it until my last relationship was on the way down.. When he left I had bad panic attacks.. My roommate was very concerned about me... When I get anxious and think about my ex.. I go on this site and others.. Its not a good feeling at all.. very painful.. I stare at the phone.. want to call soooooo ooooooo bad.. but you know what.. I'm tired of giving and not receiving.. he's very nice on the phone always.. but he never calls me.. so He's obviously ok with the break.. that kills me.. I just want to hear his voice.. but why... he doesn't want me anymore... its a waste of my time.. and im tired of trying to get him back.. I know deep down inside one day he will reflect and kick himself for letting me go.. I did nothing but adore him.. Funny thing was In the beginning it was the other way around.. but one day he almost ended it saying that I wasn't into it anymore.. That I turned my back in bed and I kissed him differently.. I was so scared to lose him.. I did all the things he wanted from me.. I wanted to fulfill his needs.. But when that happened.. the dynamic of the relationship changed.... I look back now and saw it was a mistake.. but I loved him.. Maybe he felt trapped by me.. who knows I never got a reason why he broke it off other than his feelings changed and He loves me but wasn't IN love with me and we are better off apart.... Go Figure.... I really wish I knew what I did to make him change his mind.... So I know I went off of you, and on me here.. But I want you to know that you really aren't alone.. I miss him every minute of the day and its been over 2 months already... But please don't call... Just know that your pain is normal.. and it will end soon.. I've had my good days... But the lonely feeling sometimes overwhelms me ... Argh I guess my post was more for me than you... well anyway one thing I did read on here was something like.. its hard not to lose yourself when you love someone or something like that... I think I lost myself... But I think it was because I was feeling the pull away.. and was denying it???

Hang in there!!!!!!!!

[Boromir]

Thanks phantpwr, you can never say too much I think in these forums. The more I read the less I think. That is good.

 

I got through the day and didn't call. Small victory for me! I know I can get through this. My family and friends want to see me through it. My Mom is coming up for the weekend and we have a lot planned, which is good. After she goes though I'll probbaly be back here.

 

I really think this forum has helped me out a great deal. If I knew about it sooner, man, I would have done things soooooo differently. Too bad we aren't all hanging out together at the beach or something. It says a lot about everyon who is going through yet still have it in them to find kind words for others. I think there is a lot of nice people here.