Guilt trips, don't let it get to you

[Fox1198]

Just a lesson for the dumpers...

 

I broke up with an ex-girlfriend a while back. However, being the emotional mess she was, she kept emailing, calling, leaving voicemails, text messages, etc.

 

Meanwhile, I had already moved on and got into a relationship with another girl. However, being the fool I was, I succumbed to the guilt. I felt guilty for dumping the ex and making her life a living hell, while at the same time I was having the best time of my life with a new girl.

 

I allowed the ex to poison my head with guilt. This lead to me subliminally sabotaging my new relationship, which just recently ended.

 

The moral of the story:

 

If you are a dumper, don't feel like you are a jerk for breaking it off. Just end it and go NC. Don't give in to the guilt if they email/call/message you. Be strong and firm. You're doing him/her a favor too by allowing them to accept the truth and move on.

[renaissancewoman101]

Geez, nice way to look at things.

 

can you ever look at things HER way, that maybe you dumped her unceremoniously and in a nasty fashion and didn't give her a good explanation as to WHY you dumped her.

 

Have some compassion, remember, one day YOU can be the one who will be dumped.

 

Ah yeah, you did get dumped. Now you know what it is like to be a dumpee.

 

Sad to see that you pin YOUR dumping on the fine lady you dumped.

[Censored]

^well i kinda agree. Maybe a little more compassion and empathy could be had here.

[Fox1198]

Geez, nice way to look at things.

 

can you ever look at things HER way, that maybe you dumped her unceremoniously and in a nasty fashion and didn't give her a good explanation as to WHY you dumped her.

 

Have some compassion, remember, one day YOU can be the one who will be dumped.

 

Ah yeah, you did get dumped. Now you know what it is like to be a dumpee.

 

Sad to see that you pin YOUR dumping on the fine lady you dumped.

 

I had compassion for her, but showed it too much. I should have gone NC with her from the start of the breakup. Instead I let her constant emails/calls/messages get to me.

 

I'm not trying to blame her for anything. I am blaming myself, for letting her get to me in that way.

[enchiladaman]

Sounds like you didn't really love the girl to begin with.

[lawofnature]

Hmmm...maybe I'm looking at this differently. Somehow I don't think her calling, begging, crying were actually what made you feel guilty. I always think guilts come from within. Was there something you did prior/during the break up that made you feel guilty? Maybe I'm wrong...but do you think if your ex actually dropped from the face of the earth, you wouldn't feel guilty and would be happily ever after with your new girl?

 

I'm sorry for your recent break up with the new girl...but I'm just not convinced that you should blame it to your ex's 'natural' reactions either.

[Zeter]

I am always fascinated with the dumpers' points of view. Though I am a dumpee who was cruelly dealt with, I don't think the OP is so far off base. He may not have posted the detail we dumpees crave, but the end result is the same as it is for us. NC is unjust and frustrating as hell, but it can be the healthiest thing to do.

 

Zeter

[ImThatGirl]

I think this thread makes complete sense.

 

Sometimes, ex's will do anything to keep the dumpee or dumper from moving on with their lives.

 

My ex, during our many "this is over" periods, would always start full force again if I even went on a date with anyone.

 

Most recently, he stopped at my house unannounced on Valentine's. (We split for good Jan 8.) He knows I'm dating. Having someone over is not really my character but for all he knew, someone could have been visiting. I mentioned that. He said "I wouldn't care - I could've just left." Well what about me? What about me wanting to move on? "Stop interfering with my life."

 

It will be awhile before I am in a serious relationship. My ex calls me every now and then to chit chat... Even though I've told him not to. He will always try to stay in my life somehow to keep me from moving on. I think that may be what Fox is trying to explain.... Don't let the ex interfere with your life... Move on with your life and don't let them...

[Fox1198]

Hmmm...maybe I'm looking at this differently. Somehow I don't think her calling, begging, crying were actually what made you feel guilty. I always think guilts come from within. Was there something you did prior/during the break up that made you feel guilty? Maybe I'm wrong...but do you think if your ex actually dropped from the face of the earth, you wouldn't feel guilty and would be happily ever after with your new girl?

 

I'm sorry for your recent break up with the new girl...but I'm just not convinced that you should blame it to your ex's 'natural' reactions either.

 

She did make me feel guilty because she helped me so much during the time we were together. She helped me move, look for an office, apartment. She cooked and cleaned the house for me, brought me dinner when I worked late, etc.

 

I broke up with her because she became way too attached, and would check my phone for strange numbers, or pick fights for no reason, threaten to come to my work place if I don't talk to her, etc. It just got too much.

 

After the breakup, she started mentioning all the things she did for me, in exchange for my coldness and rejection. She was pressing all the right buttons, making me feel like crap.

[Fox1198]

Maybe you should let him know in a very cold harsh way that it's over, and never pick up his phone again. The colder your words the better. That way he doesn't hold any false hope.

 

One other thing I noticed too, was that even though I broke up with the ex, I still somewhat enjoyed the fact that she was paying attention to me. So, there's a temptation to respond. Don't fall for that trap. It will hurt the other person more. Just let them know it's over, and go completely cold turkey.