A year on...

[olena]

I wrote into this group about a year ago, when my partner of 7 years asked for a break to find him self....

It really broke into 10000 pieces then as I had to pack up and leave my life behind me...

 

A year on - well I am just beginning to realise that I have lost my self....When I left our home, I went through a period of numbness, then a period of anxiety and depression, then a period of workoholism, then a period of questionning....and now people that have known me for a long time, are beginning to pick up the changes in me....no more spark, not more determination etc....

 

I am still in touch with my partner....it was impossible after 7 years not to be in touch....but he still loves me and does not want to lose me for ever, but needs to be alone for now....

 

I suppose what I am tying to say, is that either way, a break up does make you lose your self....

I met a friend on saturday who reminded me of what I was like 7 years ago....

But I suppose, I had invested so much emotion and energy in supporting someone else that I can not support my own self right now...

As far as friends are concerned...it's difficult for me to openly talk to friends about how I really feel...

I am considering seeing someone for some help...

 

Do I still love him? Yes very much so...I still pray for him and his family...he is still the most important person in my life...

Does he love me? Lets just say that perhaps he does...but in a completely different way than I do....

 

What would make me happy????

I can not even answer this question my self....

Seeing other men - even just for fun is as far away from my mind as possible still....

 

Are all these normal?

 

O

[Maverick44]

Try to enjoy wherever you are in life. You can only control so much. At the end of the day, you can't control others.

 

So, with that said, now's the part where you can control how you enjoy this stage in your life. You will find some benefits to it but try to go out and find the things you like to do.

 

Over time, this becomes your norm - and really, it's not so bad when it's just you.

 

Best of luck,

 

Maverick

[Hunny1607307342]

" only when you are truly lost do you ever really find yourself ".

xxx

[havefaith]

Hey girl,

 

Well I am sorry you are having a tough time, and I can kind of relate to you in a way. My boyfriend and I are still together but at 20 years old are trying to stay together while not holding each other back. Basically he got really scared and really slowed us down..

 

There have been times when I thought it might really end and it still could for all I know but what helped me was to tell myself I was a happy person, I was a good person before I met him, I can be the same after if it comes to that. Even you said you see girls who remind you what you were like 7 years ago - WITHOUT him. You were a good person, you were a strong person.

 

It really helps to remind yourself of this and distinguish between what you can change and what is beyond you. Your ex's mind is beyond you. You can change YOU, you can think about what characteristics you developed whilst being in this relationship that you just don't like. Or maybe things that led to the demise of the relationship that you would like to change for yourself.

 

For example, for me, I have realized that I constantly seek reassurance in all aspects of my life - friends, school, relationships. My mom says I've been doing it since my younger brothers were born. I have to learn for me that reassurance and certainty can only come from me - I can't expect a partner to tell me its okay all the time, and I can never depend on someone else for happiness.

 

You should get constructive and think about what types of things about you you'd like to work on, and try to stay in control of your thoughts. Stay positive with yourself and take this guy off this pedestal, he obviously has his fair share of issues and is far from perfect. Chances are you can and will do better. Or, maybe he will come back into your life.

 

Either way, you want to be ready for what's next in your life. I think finding someone to talk to would be an excellent step in the right direction. But no matter what, keep on going.

[itsallgrand]

I am still in touch with my partner....it was impossible after 7 years not to be in touch....but he still loves me and does not want to lose me for ever, but needs to be alone for now....

 

I suppose what I am tying to say, is that either way, a break up does make you lose your self....

 

Strange. 7 years of my ex, and I have now had no contact with him for ohh, about 10 months.

 

It was very hard, but not impossible. We are not in touch. And he had been infused in my life for all those years.

 

And, I feel the opposite of you. I feel like the break-up has been where I have found myself.

 

It was in the relationship that I was lost.

 

I don't know; but I wonder if you having contact still with your ex is holding back you finding yourself independently and healing and grieving?

 

It's one thing to consider. I found the space at once totally heartbreaking and freeing. It's a hard thing to describe.

 

However, I will say....when you get even a thought of imagining yourself having fun with another man, let yourself enjoy that and run with it. It's good for you.

 

best of luck

[olena]

What I am not ready to deal with I suppose is that the norm might turn out to be a future without him...And for a very long time, I had thought of him as a part of my life, self and future...

 

I can hardly remember what I used to be like with out him...The friend that I saw on Saturday said that I was something like a benchmark in toughness, passion and on how I used to strive to get things...

No I feel completely drained...

 

In regard to other men...throughout the year, there have been a couple that draw my attention...but I just can not get round to caring enough to have a conversation to get to know anyone...

 

As a result, I spend most of my time at the office, doing supernatural things to keep busy all of the time....when alone, I try to make my self busy, by going to the gym or for a walk etc...

But I always feel that there is something missing...

 

Perhaps I tried too hard in the relationship...maybe I hoped that if I solved all of his problems he would have more time to love me...and what a slap now...!

 

Step 1 - Give less, than what is my full potential...one thing I realise is that unless people ask for help, love, someone to care about - they don';t appreciate it if it comes generously....

Funny thing is, if I met someone like the person I was during the relationship I would probably worship them right now...He was down when I met him - and he is stronger now...And I just so weakened....

 

Oh well...I suppose, hearing from people that I am different and that because of bad choices in the past I appear to be in a limbo right now was a wake up call...

And then another friend said that over the last year, I have changed in the sense that I am constantly drawing attention to my self...A completely different person....

 

O

[havefaith]

I think you choose how a break up affects you to a degree. You can let it ruin you or you can say, this person is NOT going to break me.

 

I have an ex best friend who broke up with her boyfriend 3 years ago. She has been jumping to sh*t relationship after sh*t relationship and she has completely, totally changed. I say ex best friend for a reason. She never dealt with the emotional turmoil, never thought about it and in my opinion never chose to grow.

 

It's painful but you do have to CHOOSE to grow, to become better... I don't believe it just happens. It's a constant process and a daily battle, I think.

[Maverick44]

I think you choose how a break up affects you to a degree. You can let it ruin you or you can say, this person is NOT going to break me.

 

I have an ex best friend who broke up with her boyfriend 3 years ago. She has been jumping to sh*t relationship after sh*t relationship and she has completely, totally changed. I say ex best friend for a reason. She never dealt with the emotional turmoil, never thought about it and in my opinion never chose to grow.

 

It's painful but you do have to CHOOSE to grow, to become better... I don't believe it just happens. It's a constant process and a daily battle, I think.

 

I totally agree with this. A person makes a choice to let themselves become bitter, jaded, and non-functional. While initially it has an impact on our daily lives, to let it continue to, is our choice.

 

If we were all to look at successful people out in the world, we would see that they too have had their failures and heartbreaks. The deaths they've dealt with and so on. Yet, they too, must either move on or allow themselves to fall apart.

 

In my opinion, a perfect example is Britney Spears. I believe the breakup between her and Justin Timberlake and later Kevin Federline has not been emotionally dealt with and she has been on a downward spiral.

 

It is difficult but a person has to stand up and take ownership over their life, feeling the hole in it, and attempting to patch it up to continue onwards.

 

Best of luck,

 

Maverick

[itsallgrand]

Good posts!

 

It sounds like you are carrying around a lot of pain. It's holding onto that pain, all that pain, it can really change a person.

 

What you need to remind yourself now that you know that you have changed, and it's not the kind of change you would like for yourself, is that the "you" who is loved, and loving, and passionate, and all those wonderful qualities you once held dear is still in there.

 

That essential core goodness of you is there and only needs to be unearthed.

 

I really think the changes of moving on after a break-up are more of a shedding than anything else. It's just slowly letting go of pain, hurt, dreams left unrealized, so much we carry around.

 

I know you can get there when you decide that you are worth it, even though it will take digging in whatever strength you have in you.

 

Keep letting the stuff out, we'll listen. It's not a race, you go at your own pace, just never give up on yourself and you will get there.