I want him to visit me when he comes instead of friends - is that wrong?

[ShelB64]

Last week I finally got my bf to agree that he would come visit me in August, so we would have something to look forward to for the next step in our relationship, and I said I would buy the plane ticket for his birthday.

 

Everything seemed fine, until today, when we spoke during a short conversation, and he asked me to make sure that there was a stop-over in New York on the trip out to San Francisco from Germany! He wants to visit some friends and spend some time there before coming to visit me!

 

I told him that the flight did not go through New York at all, and he asked me to see if I could get a flight that had a stopover. I was so upset, I told him I would have to hang up and talk with him tomorrow.

 

The reason I was so upset was because first, he has an ex-gf in NY, whom he had met and dated for three weeks before breaking up with her to be with me, and second, the reason he is coming to the US is to reconnect with me as part of our LDR.

 

I feel upset and offended that he just wants to use this as another opportunity to tour around the US and catch up with old friends. He can do this on his own dime, in my opinion.

 

Am I being too dramatic about this? I just want him to come here and for us to spend a couple of weeks together. Of course, I know we won't be totally together every minute of the day, but at least I wanted to be in the same city as he is during his visit. During the time, I have managed to have my kids out of town, and I am taking off work to be with him.

 

Also, this again makes me start to question our relationship. I know I shouldn't, as he keeps affirming that he loves me, and that we're a couple, and that he wants to be with me, but it's like every week he says something that makes me question where I stand with him. I want to make sure he really wants to come to see me and that it's not just me being a sucker and providing him with a free ticket to the US to party with friends! (I know that sounds bad, and I don't mean it to sound that way, but I haven't seen him in a while and kind of want him to myself.)

 

Do you think I should even bring this up, or just treasure the few minutes I have with him on the phone tomorrow and not even bring it up? We only get about an hour a week, but this is really upsetting me.

[Censored]

I want to make sure he really wants to come to see me and that it's not just me being a sucker and providing him with a free ticket to the US to party with friends! (I know that sounds bad, and I don't mean it to sound that way, but I haven't seen him in a while and kind of want him to myself.)

 

 

Well, i have to admit ShelB64, that did cross my mind as well.

 

I think it is very rude of him to ask you for a stop over in NY when you are supplying the ticket fr him.

 

I don't want to jump to conclusions here, but i find that to be quite a big RED FLAG.

 

There is NO WAY in hell i would do this for him personally.

 

Hmmm, i'm really sorry, but there is something a bit off here.

[kevinm]

Nope, you've made concessions to be with him, and so should he. It's not a money thing, it's a consideration thing. He should make plans before or after yours if he wants to co-inside a trip to see friends at the same visit. Your time together should be just that, your time together.

 

-Kevin

[ShelB64]

It's good to hear this from some guys. It's hard to know how guys think, but I really feel this time is for us.

 

Niceguyloses, when you say it is a big RED FLAG, do you mean that it is a question about what his intentions are for his visit or that it should raise red flags about his feelings for me in general?

[judyness]

In my opinion, if he wants to stop by and visit friends in New York, he should pay for half the ticket.

 

Did he use to live in New York, are his friends that are there very close? It would practically be like paying for a ticket to New York then to San Francisco. You'd have to get a time between flights to be over 6 hours or so.

 

You need to ask yourself, do you trust him? LDR won't last if theres no trust, or little trust, or even an if.

 

You could even say hes playing a game to get to New York to see his ex and just plans to stay there.

 

He could truthfully miss his friends there, but honestly if your traveling to see someone you love and care about and miss like hell you would do anything possible to make that trip the fastest regardless.

 

I did that sort of thing, out of state, flied over to another state. I got the flight with the shortest time between flights and planned it out so I could be there the earliest convienent time possible, because I missed him like hell. I was just like screw it to sitting in a city or being in an airport for more time when I was going to go see someone I was super anxious and excited!

 

So I would honestly know how you would possibly be thinking, wouldn't he just want to get here already?

 

So to me, him stopping in another state is an excuse for mislead intentions and he isn't yearing to see you all that bad.

[CarnelianButterfly]

At the very least it's rude. You are paying for his ticket? Why isn't he? If he were paying, I'd say its fine, but since you are forking over the cash, he should take what he gets and be happy.

 

I think you should tell him that you're paying for him to see you, not for him to see his friends, if he wants to make side trips it will have to be out his pocket.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I totally agree. I was the same way. I hated every minute that was wasted not being in motion toward my boyfriend.

 

I could see making a stop over after seeing my boyfriend, but not before. I'd want to be there first thing and let my friends be for later.

[judyness]

At the very least it's rude. You are paying for his ticket? Why isn't he? If he were paying, I'd say its fine, but since you are forking over the cash, he should take what he gets and be happy.

 

I think you should tell him that you're paying for him to see you, not for him to see his friends, if he wants to make side trips it will have to be out his pocket.

 

Thats honestly a little rude, no offense. lol she shouldnt be rude back!! i do agree, he needs to take the ticket as a thank you and be very grateful.

 

You have to see it at a different angle. He could have really close friends and is like oh wow I'm going to be in the United States and I miss them very much, if I can get a flight that stops in New York to see him, wow that would be great!

 

You kind of have to rely on his tone of voice and how he says it that he wanted to stop by there.

 

You need to tell him in a nice way that you are eager to see him, but you don't think its fair that your paying for the entire flight when he wants to make a stop to see friends.

 

Put it this way, to tell him, you want to pay for it and figure out the way he could get here the soonest to see you because you miss him.

 

Maybe compromise tell him pay for half and on your way back maybe you could see your friends?

 

The thing is though, he would only want to see his friends if they were extremely close, nearly family.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Thats honestly a little rude, no offense. lol she shouldnt be rude back!! i do agree, he needs to take the ticket as a thank you and be very grateful.

 

I don't mean it like, "its my way or the highway". I just put it bare bones, it needs flourish and dressing, but ultimately she shouldn't let him use her for a free trip. Especially if there are trust issues.

[itsallgrand]

During the time, I have managed to have my kids out of town, and I am taking off work to be with him.

 

I'm going to be blunt.

 

He isn't worth - hasn't earned - this level of trust into your life.

 

You are paying for the ticket, taking time off work, arranging to have your kids out of town, patiently living and making due with a measly 1 hour of phone time - not even real life face time! - per week for this man.

 

What does he do? What has he put into building this relationship and making it work?

 

I think what he is doing is 100% rude, and cruel, and simply downright an act of lack of caring.

 

Unless there are some big something somethings you haven't told , this relationship seems way out of balance.

 

For a man who gets that level of commitment from you - I think you deserve more.

 

I'd tell him that he can make the arrangements as he sees fit - on his dime - and if he wants to see me, I'll consider it. There would not be all this twisting and bending to fit him in.

 

I kid you not. This is absolutely appalling behavior from a man who you are committing your life to. It sounds like the mentality of a man who is a casual interest.

[judyness]

You know what does he not have money? Whats the reason your paying for it?

 

What has he done, or put into the relationship?

 

Your setting time aside, getting your kids out of the house for the time hes there. Hes just like oh hey cool a trip to the U.S let me see some people in New York.. etc.

 

******this is not his vacation, its the time you two have to spend quality time together, with him trying to make time for "friends" just shows hes not all that into you. Because you two are more than 3,000 miles away, its another continent! Hes taking time out that you had set aside to see him to see his "friends." Really I think more details are needed to be given here.."***********

 

How long have you known him for?

 

Is he at all interested in taking a bunch of pictures with you? Or makng plans on what you two will be doing? Or whats he more focused on? & be truthful.

[ShelB64]

You know what does he not have money? Whats the reason your paying for it?

 

I am giving him the ticket as a birthday present. He may or may not have the money, but I didn't even ask him. He did afford his own tickets for previous trips.

 

What has he done, or put into the relationship?

 

I don't know what you're asking here.

 

Your setting time aside, getting your kids out of the house for the time hes there. Hes just like oh hey cool a trip to the U.S let me see some people in New York.. etc.

 

******this is not his vacation, its the time you two have to spend quality time together, with him trying to make time for "friends" just shows hes not all that into you. Because you two are more than 3,000 miles away, its another continent! Hes taking time out that you had set aside to see him to see his "friends." Really I think more details are needed to be given here.."***********

 

How long have you known him for?

 

I have known him for six months. We met in the JFK airport as I was coming back from vacation. It was infatuation at first sight, but we didn't make communication until he called me a month later when I was back home. He was staying in NYC for the first 20 of 90 days. After 25 days in NYC and after spending about 30 hours in intense phone conversation during the week after he first called me, we became really close and he came to spend the rest of his two remaining months with me, with us as a couple.

 

We lived together for those two months and things went very well, and the plan was for him to return to Germany and make plans to work on setting up his business here in the US in a year or so and us being a couple.

 

The distance has been hard, of course, and I have been starting to believe lately that I am into this a lot more than he is. He consistently says he loves me, every time we talk, even when I don't say it, but when he first returned to Germany I started feeling like maybe he was losing interest in me from a loving relationship standpoint.

 

Also in the back of my head is the fact that I am five years older, somewhat short and a little overweight, and am self-conscious about all of this. His best friend has made comments about me being "not his type" so that has put some strain on our relationship over the holidays.

 

Within the last two weeks, though, we have talked really honestly and openly, and he volunteered that he is still interested in me romantically and wants a real, committed relationship with me. At least, this is what he tells me, and I believe him. I feel like things are much better, but I still have some doubts and this hasn't helped about wanting to visit NY.

 

At the end of the day, I do have deep feelings for this guy. I know many of you may think, and perhaps rightly so, that this is just infatuation mostly on my part and that I should run for the hills. There have been times I thought of this, too. However, I was in a loveless marriage for almost 20 years and this is so much better than that ever was. I am happier with this man than at almost any point in my marriage, and I am willing to settle, at least a little. I am a grownup and I know what I have gotten into.

 

I am NOT willing to compromise myself, my integrity, my dignity, but I am willing to endure a little more than most and I honestly feel this man has some honest feelings for me. The feelings he expressed, at least when he was here, and even those over the phone, are honest and real, even if he seems "not that into me".

 

Is he at all interested in taking a bunch of pictures with you? Or makng plans on what you two will be doing? Or whats he more focused on? & be truthful.

 

Unfortunately, he doesn't like to get his picture taken at all. We had a fight about this when he was here. However, also one of the sweetest things he did was get a professional portrait taken and wrote that he loved me more than he ever loved anyone on the back of it, and gave it to me right before he left. I don't really know what he is more focused on. I want to find out when I talk with him tomorrow, though.

[Lana0120]

If you'd arranged to meet up, he'd paid for his own ticket, then decided to stop and see friends, I could understand why you were hurt, but fair enough on his part. As you have paid for the ticket and arranged all of this, then he's just being a total loser about this. Just tell him, the ticket's bought and paid for now, if he wants to make his own, then he can feel free, but you aren't changing it.

[judyness]

Okay, so the friends in New York aren't close friends?

 

Just tell him you think him stopping in New York either way would be unfair because it would take time away from the time you two have together.

 

Why doesn't he like pictures? Does he not want "evidence" of your relationship??

 

This guy honestly sounds fishy and if he knows your background he may be trying to manipulate you because your vulnerable.

 

Out of a 20 year loveless marriage, if he knows this and that your just wanting someone to love you, hes going to try to manipulate you. Be careful.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Let's see... you are paying for his vacation, and he is deciding that he wants to spend part of that vacation THAT YOU ARE PAYING FOR with other people?

 

This guy has user written all over him... He's welcome to arrange his life any way he chooses, but not on your nickel.

 

I'd cancel the ticket entirely, and see if he bothers to come see you. I hate to say it but there are lots of users and con artists in this world who will use a woman's romantic feelings to provide them with money to do what they REALLY want to do, whether that's drugs or other girlfriends, or simple spending money. He'll swing by your town to keep you on the hook, but obviously has things he considers more important to spend his precious time with than on you. If he loved you, he'd want to spend all his time in the country with you.

 

Dump him honey, don't look back. Find a guy in your own town to love.

[ShelB64]

We just talked, for four hours, and he explains that the reason he was hoping to stop in New York was that he does not want such a long TransAtlantic flight. He was not intending to have a layover. He does want to visit NY and that it would be on his own dime, he says.

 

I know I have received a lot of advice about breaking up with this man, and I know in my heart of hearts there is no way I can do this. I know there are a lot of people who don't believe in soul mates, but I do believe this man is my soul mate. We talk so easily, and connect on so many levels, that I feel like he honestly completes me. This is not one-sided. I know that the love he feels for me may not be as deep as my love for him, and that I am probably more in lust with him than he is for me, but we actually do have a deep connection that goes far beyond the physical connection we shared in the past.

 

How could anyone just break up with someone they were completely in love with, no matter how wrong the relationship seemed or how many red flags you saw? Has anyone done this, right in the middle of their infatuation, before? I just don't think I could ever do this, although I would love to hear some real-life personal experiences from some who have.

[RealBrookeI]

Sounds like he has a lot of red flags and the long distance of the relationship is making it easier for him to hide them or at least for you to blow them off

[judyness]

I have. I fell in love with someone out of state and I know what your going through. Out of state out of country practically the same, its long distance.

 

You have to go with your mind on this one, what your really feeling good or bad.

 

I thought this guy was my soul mate and I was very much head over heels for him, he seemed to be very into me as well. Hence me going over there for two weeks.

 

After some time, I just didn't trust that he was all that in for it for me when I got back.

 

I was offering to pay for his stay over here, yes I know its foolish, but college student with many loans to pay off before getting his next degree, I knew there was no way he could afford it. This was in a few months after I got back, I already missed him! We talked about it, then he kind of made it to be like him and having some of his friends to come over here with him. His friends pay their own fare of course.. etc.

 

Him and I are somewhat of friends now, not the closest, but friends.

 

Its just every time I sort of hinted that I didn't feel his reality in this, he would start with I MISS YOU I MISS YOU, constantly and other things to try to keep me in.

 

As in this guy saying, I love you to you, things to keep you in the loop.

 

You never really know much, & geez your phone bill must be expensive who calls who? lol

 

In the end I did kind of find out he comes off as being this serious guy who wants 1 girl, but more of a player, sort of wanting some $$$ and emotional love.

 

I can read people easily.

 

The thing is the hardest thing for me was to let go and move on. I was just so woah for a couple months. Didn't want to kiss anyone else or be around any other guy, not date. I just really felt so much for him and couldn't let go, still haven't fully.. but I know I need to.. it takes time.

 

But you need to go with what feels right.

[judyness]

Trust me, everyone has more than one soul mate. I do believe in soul mates, but God didn't just put one person on this earth for you to find, he put maybe even 3 or 4 scattered and planned it out for you to meet the right one.

 

Someone may feel like your soul mate, but as they see it-- you aren't theirs.

 

A man may think your his soul mate, but you don't see it.

 

See, theres more than one.

[judyness]

Look if you do decide for him to come out here, you will only learn by your own mistakes.

 

On his own dime or not, he thinks wow great opportunity for me to stop by in a state, JFK is a pretty busy airport right? A lot of flights going into New York, you think he may want to stop around conneticut or something! If thats even possible.. I just think that him wanting to stop either on the way there or back or wow maybe even both, is just plainly sneaky.

 

Imagine this scenerio:

 

He has a gf in New York and this is just so easy because you two aren't in the same country.

 

He tells his gf in New York hey I have a business thing in San Francisco, but I'll get a flight so I can stop in and see you!

 

Not trying to put things into your head. But open your eyes. A guy who is honestly all for you will want to come straight to you and spend the time he does have, to have the quickest way to get to you because he misses you. Not just as your just a person who he has companionship with.

 

What else did you talk about during 4 hours?

[ShelB64]

I have. I fell in love with someone out of state and I know what your going through. Out of state out of country practically the same, its long distance.

 

You have to go with your mind on this one, what your really feeling good or bad.

 

 

I really appreciate your insights, judyness. Thanks.

 

Yes, I am going with my mind 50% and my heart 50%, and I am really ultimately feeling good about this. Every time I feel down, after I speak with him I feel better and I know his heart is in the right place. I genuinely feel he loves me. He does have some childhood issues with his parents' divorcing and lots of commitment issues, but I seriously believe he is making progress every time I speak to him.

 

You never really know much, & geez your phone bill must be expensive who calls who? lol

 

The phone bill runs about $70 additional a month, which is not that bad for me. I got a great rate of about .10 a minute through my local phone company for calling Germany, so it's about as good as a phone card. You can get this rate to one country if you ask (AT&T).

[ShelB64]

Trust me, everyone has more than one soul mate. I do believe in soul mates, but God didn't just put one person on this earth for you to find, he put maybe even 3 or 4 scattered and planned it out for you to meet the right one.

 

Someone may feel like your soul mate, but as they see it-- you aren't theirs.

 

A man may think your his soul mate, but you don't see it.

 

See, theres more than one.

 

This was actually one of the first things we discussed months ago. We felt we were each others' soul mates, and we both still very much feel that way. Even when we were having problems and wondering if we were going to continue our bf-gf "relationship" a couple of months ago, we knew that we were still, and would always be, soul mates. We are deeply connected in some very unbelievable ways. Things happen to us at the same time. We have shared certain life-changing events, at different times, of course.

 

I also believe, like you, that we don't just have the one soul mate in life. I do, however, feel that he and I are both romantic as well as spiritual soul mates.

[ShelB64]

Well, my dear judyness. You ask a lot of questions, although they are important and will probably illuminate a lot about our situation.

 

In fact, he did have a gf in NY last year, right before he met me, and in fact, as I discussed before, that was one of the reasons I was somewhat reticent to have him visit so soon after the last time he was there (August 07).

 

Part of our four hours was spent discussing this, as well as everything a normal couple who lives together would discuss over a four-night period.

 

What I haven't let on before is that my bf and I have, by agreement, a modified open relationship. What this means is that we both agreed when we separated, as part of being able to keep our LDR survivable for us, that if we wanted to, when he is there and I am here, we could date others in a safe way, making sure to keep those dalliances safe, noncomitted and completely casual.

 

I can hear the emails coming now. I know what you all are thinking, that no way can this work, but I have been in open relationships before, and they can work.

 

The problem comes, of course, if someone develops feelings for someone outside of the primary relationship, but of course this could happen in a closed relationship as well. At least, we are both being open and honest, and are trying to discuss our feelings before things take off in the wrong direction.

 

thereforeee, we have made a commitment to each other to be completely open and honest with each other and we have promised to love only each other for this phase of our lives, which is the foreseeable future. When we are physically together, like when he will come to visit me, we will, of course, be monogamous, and will re-evaluate our relationship at that time.

 

This is where the ex-gf comes in. He told me today that he is completely over her and has been since we've been together, and I trust him and his word. He tells me that he loves only me and I believe him, because I know he has the opportunity to be with other women physically, and that honestly is not a problem for me.

 

What would be a problem would him be falling in love with someone else, and I believe that, although this could happen, he would be honest with me and let me know that this was happening. I would do the same.

 

This is why I think what some might see as red flags are not necessarily red flags for me. However, I still have a lot to learn about life...

[judyness]

Its said if a guys cum is thick he hasn't had sex in while, than again probably hasn't jacked off in a while.

 

This relationship is very cautious. Your different, truly you are. Because me, I could never have an open relationship, especially not with someone I saw as my soul mate.

 

This is your life and you only live it once, just be careful & pray you dont catch anything.

 

Its easier to fix a broken heart from someone who hasn't held your heart for so long.

[ShelB64]

Its said if a guys cum is thick he hasn't had sex in while, than again probably hasn't jacked off in a while.

 

What are you talking about here? Is it some sort of analogy, or a comment about my open relationships? I don't get how this pertains.

 

This is your life and you only live it once, just be careful & pray you dont catch anything.

 

We both would practice safe sex, if we did choose to opt for another experience, but we haven't necessarily acted on this as of yet.

 

I'm still taking it one day at a time, but I am very happy right now and very much in love and waiting to see my guy in August. If he does see friends in New York, it would definitely be after he sees me and at his expense, and now I know he completely agrees with this.