Why do women go back to abusers? Please Read

[lorileah]

I've been married 20 yrs. and separated for 4 mos. He was occasionally emotional abusive with more consistent controlling tactics and physically abusive somewhere like 4 or 5 times. The last time he hurt me the worst and he was on drugs and alcohol. We've been separated since then and are now 1400 miles apart. I need advice on getting back together if he stays off drugs. I'm hoping 6 mos apart will give him a big enough message that I will not be treated that way. But he has done no therapy or work on these issues-only apologies and lovely promises of the future. I know I need to insist he does gets help and completes abusive/controlling therapy. Do any of the abusive men change?

[Mamasita]

Wow... THANK YOU MISS M!!!

[Miss M]

Wow... THANK YOU MISS M!!!

 

You're very welcome.

 

Wow, I haven't been here in a long while, but wishing you all the best.

[Miss M]

I've been married 20 yrs. and separated for 4 mos. He was occasionally emotional abusive with more consistent controlling tactics and physically abusive somewhere like 4 or 5 times. The last time he hurt me the worst and he was on drugs and alcohol. We've been separated since then and are now 1400 miles apart. I need advice on getting back together if he stays off drugs. I'm hoping 6 mos apart will give him a big enough message that I will not be treated that way. But he has done no therapy or work on these issues-only apologies and lovely promises of the future. I know I need to insist he does gets help and completes abusive/controlling therapy. Do any of the abusive men change?

When an abuser is focused on convincing you he has changed, ya know, so you can forgive and accept him again, he's more focused on changing your mind, and changing how you feel and think about him. That means he's not really working on changing himself in a genuine way. He's only changing his behavior as a way to control your behavior. He's just trying to control your behavior in a different way, but it's still HIM trying to control YOU. And that's not the way to have a healthy relationship.

 

And when you're focused on hoping he'll change (e.g. "...hoping 6 mos apart will give him a big enough message that I will not be treated that way."), you're not working on healing yourself in a sustaining way either. Instead of doing the very necessary inward healing, you're evaluating him, holding onto an external hope, longing for a sign from him that will validate and heal you. Because that type of validation from an abuser is seriously intoxicating.

 

Ironically abuse creates and solidifies a deep longing to look to the abuser as the source of your healing. But genuine healing can't come from him. You can't be healed and validated from an external source, because real healing has to come from deep within you. That means you're both better off splitting apart to do your own healing work, making your own changes, gaining new insights into yourselves, and not looking at the other person for anything. Otherwise it's like being an alcoholic who looks to drinking more alcohol, hoping it's the source of healing from her addiction to alcohol. I did best in my own recovery when I treated myself just like an addict. I was addicted to the abuser, and addicted to the hope that an abuser would change, so I could be healed. But I gave up that hope and just worked on myself, and even then it was a very tough inward work.

 

Yes, he might be the one-in-a-million exception; he might really change. But whether he changes or not, your focusing on him in that way is not the path to your own truest healing. And really, as an abuse victim I would suggest you need to seek therapy just as much as he does, because again, healing from abuse is very tough inward work.

 

Good luck.

[lorileah]

Thanks I appreciate your post. I understand what your saying and I know about "being addicted to the highs of someone's love", I've read "Why Does He Do That?". I've seen the patterns your speaking about, especially after being separated for several months.

 

What do you think about abusers who manipulate everyone-even friends and at work. Are controlling manipulative men all sociopaths?

[Miss M]

I've read "Why Does He Do That?"

Well, I'm glad you read that book, because I was thinking of recommending it.

 

What do you think about abusers who manipulate everyone-even friends and at work. Are controlling manipulative men all sociopaths?

I think an abuser who manipulates everyone is just showing you how out of control he really is. Manipulating others is his way of displaying that he still is not a whole and fully functional human adult, and not ready to be in a healthy relationship. And he continues to be focused externally on controlling others because he lacks the inner emotional resources to get hold of himself properly. His inner resources don't exist. For him there is just a big void, a huge empty hole of nothingness, where the inner resources should be. That's why he goes externally, controlling, manipulating, abusing others.

 

So you have to now dig down deep for your own inner strength to keep yourself away from what is harmful to you. And I do believe you have an inner strength, because you've been letting him use your strength to compensate for his lack. It's just time to use your own resources for yourself, instead of for him.

[justwaitandsee]

I have filed for divorce from my abuser, but I will give you my side because in truth....there are days I am very sad.

The "highs" are really high. When we were on a high...life seemed idyllic. However, he is a master manipulator and liar. When I call him out on lies, he has been physically abusive with me. People see him as "Mr Wonderful" and he has painted me as crazy and emotional. Huh....I wonder why? Because he snuck around and cheated? Because I was paranoid 24/7? Because I cried at the drop of a hat wondering why he would do this to me?

Remember...most people who go back think of the "high". I have to remind myself daily of the lows....which are low enough to know on May 3, I will be divorced.