Too Damaged

[JoJo90814]

I have had sooooo many bad experiences with dating that now when I go out with someone I am overcome with anxiety and fear. I automatically think that the person isnt going to like me or be attracted to me and most of the time I avoid dating.

 

What do you do when you been so incredibly tramuatized and damaged from past dating experiences? Ive done therapy and what I learned was to keep on trying. But I still have major anxieties regarding dating. I now have come to the conclusion that I am just not the kind of girl that men are into...that I am really going to have to search. Why does it have to be that hard?

 

I have let it go, I have stopped searching so it can happen when I least expect it, I have tried online dating, I have tried different types of men and its all the same result...me alone.

 

I wish I knew what i was doing wrong because I would do everything I could to change it.

[surfalways85]

when you start dating a person do you have these thoughts in your head? I went through the same thing, and finally learnt that my most recent dating failure was actually a result of my insecurities and past traumas.

 

I spent some time on my own and wrote out what I was afraid would happen. When I saw it on paper I realised a lot of it wasn't actually true. I'm sure you are a girl that guys are into- just maybe not every guy. But that is the case with everyone. I know its hard. The only thing I suggest is love your own life, find things that you love doing, and try not to determine your worth by the amount of 'successful' dates you have had. I know most of the ways I have met guys is through common interests (surfing) and other things. Building friendships is building potential relationships. So rather than thinking about 'dating' try to make as many guy friends as possible. This also gives you things to talk about later if you end up dating.

 

I know its easy to feel down. I feel it too. Just try and love your own life and the right guy will come along soon enough!

[ghost69]

when you start to date someone, you are supposed to let them like you. so don't be worried about it. they either are going to or they aren't going to. being anxious will not help. so get rid of that part or you will be in the 'don't like you' category a lot more.

[brahman]

when you start to date someone, you are supposed to let them like you. so don't be worried about it. they either are going to or they aren't going to. being anxious will not help. so get rid of that part or you will be in the 'don't like you' category a lot more.

 

 

I think Ghost69 has hit it on the button. As far as me and my life goes, I find it easer to get girls to talk to me and flirt with me if I don't try so hard to make them like me. For me it's an art of reaching out then disappearing, giving that person time to input me into there head as a person in there world. Repeating the process a few times until I'm actually in it. Somewhere along the way you will be told in one way or another whether they want you in it or not.

[ghost69]

i don't expect much. my attitude is pretty lax when it comes to meeting girls and dating. i think that is why they want to stick around so long. usually i realize we aren't clicking though. so you get to call the shots too. just because you get a girl to go on a date with you, doesn't mean you owe her anything.

[JoJo90814]

Yeah but image that you keep getting rejected time after time. But you keep trying because you never know, but you continue to get rejected. Its not that easy to take on a "I dont care" attitude. My self esteem has depleated when it comes to dating.

[ghost69]

Yeah but image that you keep getting rejected time after time. But you keep trying because you never know, but you continue to get rejected. Its not that easy to take on a "I dont care" attitude. My self esteem has depleated when it comes to dating.

 

you don't think i have been rejected? everyone does. if you let someone you absolutely do not know get to you by rejecting you, you need to work on yourself before you attempt to date.

[brahman]

Yeah but image that you keep getting rejected time after time. But you keep trying because you never know, but you continue to get rejected. Its not that easy to take on a "I dont care" attitude. My self esteem has depleated when it comes to dating.

 

 

Getting rejected is not like, "OMG I got rejected from Harvard again," its more like, " Darn I didn't win any cash on this lottery ticket." There are millions and millions of lottery tickets out there, and you can't expect them all to be winners. Although it does sound like you have decided to spend every dime you have buying those tickets, which yes is a bit disappointing, but that might be your biggest problem.

[ghost69]

Getting rejected is not like, "OMG I got rejected from Harvard again," its more like, " Darn I didn't win any cash on this lottery ticket." There are millions and millions of lottery tickets out there, and you can't expect them all to be winners. Although it does sound like you have decided to spend every dime you have buying those tickets, which yes is a bit disappointing, but that might be your biggest problem.

 

i like this analogy a lot. fits perfectly. good one.

 

i want to add, some tickets have to be scratched a certain way to win. keep that in mind. if you get too eager and you scratch it frantically, you might hit a spot you shouldn't have scratched. then the ticket is void anyways. bummer.

[Thornbirds18]

Maybe learn to reject others to gain some confidence?

 

You're precious and it's their loss if they reject you. Dating is hard but confidence is the deadly attraction to men. The more you're confident and show that you don't care if they would blow you off the more attractive signals you're sending to them. However, being confident doesn't mean that you should be arrogant.

 

Focus on you, be yourself, relax and get on board to the dating games. Easy said than done, but positive thoughts often create wonders. I often reinforce my self-confidence by telling myself that "I can do it", "I'm precious and lovable", and "Don't worry be happy!". Don't focus on your shortcomings because if you're confident people won't even notice them.