NC is difficult

[GoldFox3840]

My girlfriend of almost two years decided we should be friends because of a lot of stuff going on in her life. He job is stressing her out so much, that when she's not putting in overtime, she sleeps.

 

After a bit of thinking, I decided I didn't want this girl slipping away from my life like that. She wasn't returning my calls for a while, so by the time she called me, I spilled my heart out to her. I know... bad... but I wanted to make sure she knew how I felt. Sometimes I felt like I wasn't all there for her, and was worried that's part of the reason she left me.

 

Anyway, the point is, I realized after pouring my heart out that the best thing I can do is give her space. I have no doubt about that, but I worry that I've left the impression that it's all or nothing for me, and that I can't be friends. I was thinking of writing her a letter, just something short and simple to let her know that whatever happens, I am here for her. I know this isn't NC, and I think NC would be the best thing, but still I feel I have to do it so she knows I respect her and care about her.

 

Any thoughts? Questions? Anything at all would help.

 

Thanks

[babygirl1991]

I know im 16 but id write her a letter or sit her down if u can and just talk to her..let her tell you exackly how she feels and then tell her u want to tell her how you feel..she'll listen..

just be calm...

 

good luck

[Veroni]

You need to ask yourself what your ultimate goal is? Are you truly trying to move on or are you trying to get attention? If you love her and you know she is stressed you have to releave the stress by doing what is best for the both of you. Dont use NC as a means to en end unless thats what you want.....an end. If you feel like this can be fixed than talk to her be hoenst about how you feel and let her be honest about how she feels. If you feel like you need your space to figure out what YOU want, then take the time but dont lay anymore stress on her. You can only control your own actions. NC is very very difficult but if you are using it to find closure on your relationship then by all means stick to it.

[barbielovesmac]

At least you can recognize that 'pouring your heart out' wasn't the right thing to do.

 

I think space is your best bet here. Give her time to possibly come to you.

 

Im not so sure that writing her a letter would be a good idea. You don't want to drag out the situation anymore.

 

I know you are hurting but NC is the way to go and in the end you may be surprised.

[GoldFox3840]

Ultimately I'd like to give the relationship another chance if that is possible. I've done a lot of growing in the last few months, and realize how much she means to me. If her job is really that stressful then she does need space to sort things out. I just worry that I might have pressured her when I told her everything I wanted. I often worry that I haven't heard from her because she feels like I'll start begging again. I want her to know that I can be here for her as a friend if that's what she really needs right now.

 

Is NC the right thing if it's giving her time and space to deal with things, while also giving me a chance to work on myself? I don't want her to think I'm not contacting her simply because it's all or nothing. I want her to know that I'm giving her space, and that's why I've thought of the short letter saying I know what she's going through and I'm respecting her space.

 

I really think she's not in a place for a relationship right now. I don't want to lose her for good, I just don't know what to do.

[Veroni]

Tell her that you are giving her space to relax and not feel so pressured by her life. Tell her that you are leaving the lines of communication open if she ever needs to talk. Take this "space" to figure out how to get happy without her or as her friend. I dont know if its possible right now for you to open yourself up to being just her friend. I think you want her back and should be honest about that. All you can do is listen to her and see if she feels the same. If she does than you can work on it, if she doesnt then you can deal with it. You have to tell her exactly how you feel without any ultimatums. Just put yourself out there and dont be afraid of what happens. It would be worse if you held it in and always wondered what if.

[barbielovesmac]

Is NC the right thing if it's giving her time and space to deal with things, while also giving me a chance to work on myself? I really don't think she's in a place for a relationship right now. I don't want to lose her, I just don't know what to do.

 

Correct. Not only is it giving her space but it's giving you space (even though you don't want it) and it's giving you a chance to work on yourself.

 

You say you think she hasn't called because she feels pressured or that you might beg. Well writing a letter will only drag the situation out.

 

You need to change your mentality. Focus on you right now just like she is doing. It can be very very good for you.

[GoldFox3840]

I do need to focus on myself. I just thought a letter might explain that I'm sorry for pressuring her, while establishing that I am there for her if she needs me. A letter she can read on her own time, no pressure.

 

I'm not trying to be stubborn, I'm sorry if I come off that way. I guess I'm worried that if I pour my heart out and then don't talk to her, she might think I'm just crying over it still, while a letter might show her I'm strong enough to realize she needs her space and that I can be there for her.

 

Sounds kinda silly when I type it out. I'm just confused and need a lot of advice.

 

Thanks everyone so far.

[barbielovesmac]

I guess I'm worried that if I pour my heart out and then don't talk to her, she might think I'm just crying over it still, while a letter might show her I'm strong enough to realize she needs her space and that I can be there for her.

 

But you have to think of it like this: should you write her a letter, it still means you took the time to "dwell" and she still might think you are crying over it still. Just because it's in letter form doesn't change the fact.

 

Look, I am not telling you not to do it. I am just giving you my opinion & advice.

 

You are ultimately going to do what you want in the end and that is what is best for you.

 

I've just been where you are. You two broke up. She needs space. And when someone needs space, believe me they need space. Been there - done that - not pretty!

[Lionel Hutz]

Before you know she will say she misses you. If not you are so used to not talking to her you dont even care anymore. Leave her alone right now. Shes worried about work and she doesnt need to worry about, sorry to say but, drama. When shes ready she will smooth things over with you. Trust me. She feels like there may be an open door. If she doesnt do you want someone who does not care about your relationship. NC is hard but it works. My ex has began to contact me, you know why? Because i'm not talking to her everyday, let me rephrase that. Im not bothering her. Give her time to idealise what you had. Maybe she will remember the good things that happened in the relationship, and if she doesn't, thats her issue and you need to move on.Hang in there.

[GoldFox3840]

Thanks everyone

 

You guys are absolutely right about NC. I am still thinking about it, though. If I am going to send a letter, I am going to wait a couple weeks. That gives me some time to decide if that's what I think really should be done.

 

I just hope she doesn't interpret it as me not being there through her hard times, and that it's a chance to give her space and myself a chance to better myself.

 

Thanks again, you all are great!

 

 

On further thought, I didn't want her last memory of me being needy and clingy. I thought a sincere letter about giving her space might help, but I guess it would show that I am still dwelling on it, eh?

[GoldFox3840]

So what if she thinks I can't be there for her as a friend? I'd hate for her to think I'm not supportive. Or should I not worry about that?

 

This situation is making me pretty stupid, I'm probably just overanalyzing everything...

 

I guess it's better to babble here than to her, though...

[barbielovesmac]

So what if she thinks I can't be there for her as a friend? I'd hate for her to think I'm not supportive. Or should I not worry about that?

 

This situation is making me pretty stupid, I'm probably just overanalyzing everything...

 

I guess it's better to babble here than to her, though...

 

im sure your mind is running a million miles a minute. all you can do is take is take it one moment at a time.

 

and yes, it is much better to babble here then it is to her.

[GoldFox3840]

Well, it's been two weeks of NC. I know that's not a long time at all, but it sure feels like two years, ya know?

 

Some days are easier than others. I just keep telling myself that this is better for both of us right now, an opportunity for us to grow, especially me.

 

She said I did nothing wrong, that it's the job. I have no choice but to give her space and hope she can get through it.

 

I still haven't figured out which i think is worse, losing someone because of a stupid mistake you did, or losing someone through no fault of your own. I feel pretty helpless either way.

[GoldFox3840]

OK this might seem stupid but it's something I've been thinking about.

 

I might be moving to another state for a job opportunity in the next 2-3 months. When/if that happens, I'd like to let her know. We're still friends, and I don't want her to get mad that I never told her, like I'm trying to keep secrets from her, or am I just over-analyzing again?

 

Any advice is appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[farfromfalling]

From the two days I've been on this board, I've realized that you need to do what's best for YOU. If there's even a slight chance of any sad feelings going to come out of that call...DON'T do it! Congrats on the job offer by the way. Just keep doing good for yourself. My gf just broke up with me on the 28th, so it's just under 2 weeks for me with NC too. We're in this together, bro! Hang tight!!!

[GoldFox3840]

No job quite yet, but a definite possibility. It would be good to get away and around new surroundings, so here's hoping.

 

But we've always been close, and me moving away seems like the kind of thing I would normally tell her. I could be kidding myself, I suppose.

 

Why can't our brains function normally when things like this happen?

[robert7x]

Because you're in shock and your brain can't process stuff like this...

[flyingdodo]

I still haven't figured out which i think is worse, losing someone because of a stupid mistake you did, or losing someone through no fault of your own. I feel pretty helpless either way.

 

I'm still trying to figure that out too! If I did something wrong at least I'd know what was going on instead of feeling completely confused! And I'd know what to do to try and put things right! You're doing better with NC than me though, my girlfriend broke up with me on Tuesday night and today I text her grr so angry with myself. She said she needs time to focus on herself so I think that was the worst thing I could have done. Space space space I just need to back off and wait to see what happens

[icaredotcom]

Um... you're damn right NC is difficult. I had never heard about it and am on the receiving end. I broke up with my bf because he withdrew from me over Christmas. I was the one having problems with committing and was on the fence - he then started avoiding me over Christmas and New Years we spent together but he was preoccupied. I broke it off the next day, was fine the next week and then regretted it the following week, wishing I had talked things out first.

 

I tell you, I think a person should tell someone about the NC first, because at first I was worried what had happened to him, then it because much much worse. I think if i had understood what he was trying to do (space, etc) I would have handled it much better.. I think I had a meltdown. He then texed me, told me he was on a date, drunk, missed me but had to get over me.

[GoldFox3840]

I tell you, I think a person should tell someone about the NC first, because at first I was worried what had happened to him, then it because much much worse. I think if i had understood what he was trying to do (space, etc) I would have handled it much better.. I think I had a meltdown. He then texed me, told me he was on a date, drunk, missed me but had to get over me.

 

Well, I didn't tell her I was going NC, that's right. But, it was very obvious that she needs space and that I need time to work on myself. She's a smart girl, she can figure that out. And, if she is worried about what has happened to me, there's nothing stopping her from picking up the phone. I'm not going to ignore her, I'm just not doing the contacting right now.

[EddieAdams]

My fiancee and I broke up 2 weeks ago today. We had wedding plans and everything, I mean a dress, church, hall, photographer...everything. We lived with each other for over 6 months and she moved back to her home town, kind of out of the blue, about 3 weeks ago. She moved because she was not making any money to pay her bills, and she felt like she wasn't using her degree. It was really effecting how she treated me. Of course, 3 weeks ago we hadn't broken up yet...then after we had about a week away from one another...she broke up with me. But, the weird thing was...she said she was still "in-love" with me. She said that all the stress in her life was causing her extreme emotional and mental pain. "I need some freedom", she said. We talk every day, we are no longer fighting about money and bills and sex. Of course, I had that mental break down and cried and pleaded to her. But, I know she's happier...but I miss her presense. I want to stop bothering with the whole, "Can we get back together when you find a great job and you fell better?" She always says, "That's what I'm hoping for". She says that she needs to get her stuff together...she feels like her life is out of control. I want to stop bugging her about getting back together in the future. Any advice from women or men? Does that sound genuine? ...She has the personality of a person that must have everything on schedule, and when we lived together...eveything was off schedule for her. And she was a server at a resturant, and not using her degree as a teacher...it killed her mentally. I don't think me having NC with her makes sense, I mean...why shouldn't I respond to her. But, I think I'm done being Mr. Bother...texting and emailing for nothing. She contacts me 3 to 4 times a day. Should I always allow her to contact me first? What do I have to do? What should I do? and ...Is there a chance to save it?

[GoldFox3840]

If she contacts you 3 to 4 times a day, then why would you need to contact her first? I'd say LC is good, give her space, don't discuss the issue, just be the person she fell in love with.

 

I did the whole mental break down, too, and then went NC. We weren't engaged, but we talked about marriage and children an awful lot.

 

All I can hope for her is that if i give her space she can deal with her job and come to a more normal place where maybe she thinks about me and misses me.

[icaredotcom]

Well, with my recent ex, he didn't return my calls and I was confused. So there really was full NC and it was extremely difficult for me to understand. To me, after 2 years I felt like I was being treated like a bad one night stand, that's all. I think it's more respectful to tell someone that you are going to do it - that's my opinion.

[EddieAdams]

Yeah, I didn't contact her all day today. Then, at 2:24 she texted me, "How are you? I've been playing Wii since I woke up! I responded with, "Nice! Im good. I'm about to eat. How are you?" She responded, "I'm good. I'm glad you're eating. I love playing Wii." I said, "I know. You look sexy when you play." She sent, "Ha Ha." Then, I didn't respond, I left her alone. Then, at 4:41 she texted again, a picture text of waht she was eating....she ahd never done this before when we dated. I said, "Looks like good food." Then she texted, "How is your day goin?" ....made me think...hmmmm, I guess when I don't try to talk to her...she can't stop talking to me. I told her I was really good, but I mite have the flu. She said, "The flu! Eddie! What are you gonna do?" She's concerned? I'm a radio personality, so she's worried about my voice. She said that she hopes I gave an amazing show...and she hopes me and my co-host have a good time. She texted, "I love you guys!" I could smell something underlining in her saying...you guys! So, I texted back, "I love you too." Then, 20 minutes goes by and I get this from her via text, "I'm sorry for the pain I put you through evey day.... I hope someday, sooner than later, we will both feel beautifully." I didn't expect this at all. I was trying to sound all positive and texted, "I know we will. I like getting to know myself right now, being alone. One day, its going to be amazing!" .....I thought that was going to be the end of the conversation. Then 20 seconds later I get this text, "You do like it?!? ................" I was thinking, Dang lady! I thought you wanted this. I texted, "Would I rather be spending time with you? Of course. Do I want us to get back together sonn? Yes. I have to except the choice you've made. I cant push you away." She sent me, "Thank you." So, what do you think? .....What do you think I should do? Also....whatever I said to her via text message didn't make her made. So, you have my blessing to steal it from me, it only works if you both still love each other. I'm I doing the right thing? and, Does it look positive?