How do you know its time to pull the plug?

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

I've been dating someone for the last nine and 1/2 months. We get along great, but we've come accross some problems recently that I'm not sure we will recover from. I'm stubborn and easily hurt, so I'm not "being there" for her when we fight.

 

My question is pretty basic: how do you know if its worth sticking out or jumping ship? What questions do you ask yourself? What sorts of things to you weight? I see a future, but the emotional rough stuff is really rough. We fought tonight and I'm not sure what I want now.

[Iwantittoend]

What have you been fighting about exactly?

[wayoverit]

During a fight, both of you would naturally say things you both didn't mean and regrets it afterward. Afterward, when the dust settles, you make up and apologize and feel like idiots and immature.

 

If you don't go thru that motion, then you'll know he/she is not right for you.

[Iwantittoend]

During a fight, both of you would naturally say things you both didn't mean and regrets it afterward. Afterward, when the dust settles, you make up and apologize and feel like idiots and immature.

 

If you don't go thru that motion, then you'll know he/she is not right for you.

 

Pretty much how I feel. Sometimes fights in relationships can be good. But if they just escalate things and make you guys worse off, then maybe it's time to let go.

[Jetta]

Well if you love the person it's worth working through the problems, if you don't then cut your ties and go. Every relationship is going to have problems. Some you cannot work through IMO but there's always someone who does. So you really have to make a decision about whether it's worth continuing or not, and that's when you decide emotionally. Do you care and want it to work or are you looking for an out?

 

JMHO

Jetta

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

I have some friends who are women. Her last boyfriend cheated on her. She sees my affection to them as a red flag, when really I have no romantic interest in them at all. She puts a lot of significance on things like pictures, doodles, etc. If I have a doodle on my fridge from someone, it must mean something serious in her mind, when really to me just something I thought was funny. I say, “You don’t ever bring up the doodle that Murray drew for me”, she replies, “You have no problem talking about him to me! Why are you so secretive about the women in your life?” my response to that is that she’s never gotten psycho over a Murray story. The difference is the grief I go through when the story involves a woman. I mention something about any of my female friends and she goes quiet and sulks. Then she analyzes everything I've said about the woman. I casually dated one of my friends before her I'm still friends with this person. Not super close; she lives on the coast and I'm in central Canada. The romantic interest isn't there anymore, it died. But we're still friends through email. My girlfriend asked me about her once and I told her that we casually dated. Later, during a fight she asked again and I told her that we didn't date. It was a mistake to tell her that, but I was trying to avoid an escalation of the fight with her. She reads a lot more into a situation than really is there. Ironically, the fight was about a doodle on my fridge that this woman had drawn. It's a silly thing and it still makes me laugh. But that's about it. I'm made to feel like this is a symbol of something bigger. Like I'm pining for the days when we were a couple. I bent the truth because in the big picture, may present feelings are what is important, not what happened in the past. She sees the inconsistency as proof that I am a liar. My credibility is now shot, because she has always had difficulty trusting me.

 

So it looks like we don’t hold each other to the same standards, I’m trying to keep peace and harmony in the here and now, she’s fighting a war with her ex from a year ago. I feel like I have to operate under constant suspicion. She gets mad at me for the smallest things, like if I'm sleeping on the side of the bed instead of holding her at night, so I don’t want to shed light on bigger things (like past relationships) that don’t matter to me anymore, but will matter to her in that she can make a big deal about them.

 

As I write this I see how ridiculous all this sounds. I really want to be in a relationship where I can speak freely about my past, because friendships that came out of brief romances are good things. But in order to do so I need to feel comfortable that I'm not going to be sent through an inquisition when the topic comes up. And you know, I end up feel guilty about my past relationships when I'm around her, and I shouldn't. THe guilt is because I think it hurts her.

[Iwantittoend]

She sounds very clingy to me. I'd voice that to her and see how it goes. If she is unwilling to change, then I think it would be best to end it. If she can't trust you then it will never work.

[Rosee]

I heard some advice once about taking some time away from the person (it doesn't have to be an official 'break') just find a way to get some space, and if you feel relief being away from them, that's a sign it may be time to end things, or certainly re-evaluate things. If you miss them like mad then that's a sign in the other direction, that it's worth working on.

[cchurting]

Sounds like her jealousy and petty fighting is because:

 

-She may have a bigger issue with the relationship and is picking petty fights as a result of her unhappyness.

 

-Or maybe she hasnt fully healed from being betrayed in her last relationship.

 

All of this is for you to determine on your own. If it is the latter, she probably wont heal until she is alone to do it; once she realizes she lost a good man because of her baggage.

 

Good luck to you. Time will tell and will work out the way it is supposed to.

[Konfetkette]

If you're wondering if it's time to break up, it's time to break up.

You will keep thinking about it after every fight.

Breaking up or at least taking a break is good.... If will either make her realize her behaviour or it won't, and you don't want that.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

Thanks for all your responses everyone

[havefaith]

Hey,

 

I just wanted to say I don't think I agree with "if you're thinking about breaking up, it's time to break up." Doesn't it cross everyone's mind? I don't know.

 

Anyway your post really hit me because I had a short time in my life when I acted like your girlfriend. What she's doing is she's picking fights in an attempt to get a rise out of you. She wants to see how you react. She feels something is MISSING. It might have nothing to do with you ... but she feels at odds with herself. So she wages wars with you.

 

I did this when I was in a huge transition in my life. I was always the most independent girl, for 2 years. Then I went through a hard time and wham! I wanted, even demanded all these reassurances from my boyfriend that he just couldn't give me ... like, why don't you talk about marriage more? Do you value me more than your friends? Would you ever DIE for me (while watching 300 - yes, I'm serious.)

 

I look back and think - YUCK!!!!

 

Well it wasn't until my boyfriend reached his wits ends and told me he had no choice to end it that I realized how out of touch with myself I had gotten. How clingy I was acting. I felt so out of control, and you have to understand, your girlfriend is probably feeling awful mentally.

 

What I have to ask you is - has she always been this way? Is it a more recent thing?

 

If it is more recent or you have seen a shift, don't give up on her yet. You need to have a talk with her and flat out let her know the gravity of the situation. Let her know she is LOSING you. It will snap her back into reality - TRUST ME. It has been 5 months since my boyfriend and I nearly broke up due to my issues at the time and since then we have had a very spacious and happy relationship. It can be done.

 

But, if you feel like this is the person she always was, then you truly just aren't compatible.