So lost and so hurt....

[koreangelxp]

I've been thinking a lot about trying to get back together with my ex.... we were together for 1 1/2 years... and he broke up with me in dec. and were doing okay... but I don't feel that he is truly knows hes hurting me.... its like I want everything to go back to the way things use to be and everything... but its so hard ... I love him so much.... and I know he's not in love with me but he still loves me.... I mean were still doing the same things like when were together he still kisses me and everything like he use... and its like why does he do this? and acts like were still together but he says he's still single? and say he's trying to get use to being single when he isn't single to me? I mean were dating... but were pretty much together....i just don't know... as time goes on its getting much harder for me... cuz I want more then this....and I know were suppose to take things slow... but how do I do that? any advice?

[HappyAsALark]

Sounds like he is keeping you on the back burner until something he feels is better comes along. Why act like a couple if you are not a couple?? Have you tried asking him that? You should tell him it is all or nothing. You are already hurting now and he hasn't even completely let you go from his life.

[pryda]

You should tell him it is all or nothing.

Sound advice.

 

I worry that maybe you are pursuing something unattainable. You say you "want everything to go back to the way things used to be" but this normally isn't possible after a break-up, because emotions are sky-high and insecurities rife. The dumper is confused, and the dumpee knows this and thereforeeee becomes paranoid and needy.

 

If you want things to work out but you feel the problems aren't solveable at the moment, then I would suggest taking a break. After a while you will both have clear heads and can start afresh, taking it slowly. Of course the risk here is that one of you will move on during the break and possibly find someone else, but let's face it - right now you aren't happy and you will never be happy as long as this situation continues.

[blender]

it's time for you to conjure up all your courage and all your self respect and to say to him:

 

"I enjoy spending time with you, but I've discovered that it's becoming to frustrating for ME to pretend to be okay with the crumbs that I'm getting from you now, and you seem to want to be single, so I can respect that and respect myself and have no further contact, if you discover that you do want to make an intentional effort to work on us being an exclusive couple THEN you may contact me, if not that's up to you, right now it's important for me to let go and get busy with my own life, I'm sure you understand and I wish you the best".

 

By doing the above honest self respecting choice of expressing YOUR TRUTH, and then letting go and having NO contact, you can heal, move on and widen your own world, this will be the most empowering, attractive, self respecting and healing choice.. And it also allows him the opportunity to discover that he misses you, and does want to try again, or he just moves on, either way it's a win win for your own heart...

 

If you choose to stay in his life now in this disrespecting way, you are simply helping him ease into his own single life, and all the while you are losing a part of yourself, and he is losing sight of you as a potential real authentic girlfriend in the future because you are allowing yourself to be defined as the "girl who settles for crumbs" with him.. and he will not ever see you as the girl he would pursue.. don't do this to yourself..

 

He is NO longer worthy of your kisses, or your heart, or your energy or your precious input in his life.... this is time for YOU to heal, let go, move on and IF he is ever worthy of you then he will be mature enough and respecting enough to contact you... so do not allow yourself to be his bridge into his own comfort and ease of dating others...

 

He will tell you what you want to hear, yet he's NOT exclusively committed to you.. yuk.. ask yourself why you are wiling to settle for this?

 

I know you are scared to let go, but honey if you stay involved at this level it will only hurt you.. because we teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves.. so treat yourself with respect and tell him you need to let go and move on because he is NOT willing to give you what you deserve and want from a love in your life.. and if he's ever ready then he may contact you, but for now you need to get busy with your own life.

[finalcloud13]

When you're in a breakup and hang out with the ex, please do not do things that couples do. Things like holding hands, kissing, exchanging I-love-you's, staying the night, and having SEX.

 

I read too many same things saying that when they hung out, one or more of the above things happened, but the ex is "unsure about getting back together (which means no)," and that they still stand by their decision to not be together.

 

Making these mistakes, though it temporarily makes you feel good, will only set you back emotionally and leave you with regret. Plus, you get nowhere with your ex.

 

Ideally, please do not hang out with or see your ex at all until you've let go and moved on.

I'll just reuse another post, since it's relevant to your situation.

[Tinnes]

When you love someone, that once loved you, you can not understand that he is not in love with you anymore. And the fact he stays around you, you consider as a chance to get him back, or to fell in love with you again. During that period you are constantly hurt! I didi it!

 

He'll stay around as a great, supportive friend as long as he finds it ok. But one day you'll realize that he contacts you less and less. That he is going out with other women and have no time for you.That feel of rejection is something I cannot explain to you. It hurts so much, more than other things. You'll call him, and while you are talking to him, you'll hear female voice in the background. Broken pices of your heart will fall apart one from another. You'll act as it is ok with you, but at that time, you'll realize you are going to loose him. Rejection+ jealosy+ fear of loosing him= do you want to know the result? I knew it!

 

He is constantly out. From time to time he contacts you. He is around you when he needs something. Mostly, you are trying to make him around you. But you feel and see the difference in his behaviour. Calls and sms that he does not mention you who they are from implies that they are from... But you reject that he is seeing somebody new. In the moments of panic, you'll ask him to get back together. And he is rejecting you. You are devastated. I did it.

 

He has new girlfriend. He is so happy. You'll call him from time to time, but he'll keep it short. I stopped there!

 

I decided that I have been too much patient. I excepted that he does not love me anymore. I has so much pain, so there was no need to make it worse for me, by staying in touch with him. I cut it. I started to live again.

 

A month after I stopped to call him, he started to contact me from time to time. He was curious who are my new friends, who am I in love with, whats going on im my life that I forgotten him... I continued to live my life and still doing that.

 

The point is: as soon as you go away from him, start new life without him, he'll miss you and come back. I did not know that first 4 months after break up. Thought he'll go even further if we are not in contact. That was huge mistake.