Did your ex go out with someone else straight away or dump you for someone else?

[duc749r]

I knew a girl was in a relationship with someone else, (persistent) I chased her - we as friends for 6 months had often been out riding our motorbikes together.

 

I rode to Italy and then we started having sex together, Great I thought and when we returned to England spent the first 6 months staying in hotels and round mine when the boyfriend did not suspect or was out with his friends.

 

I did not feel bad as she said he hit her once, so sod him I want her and she finally got hit again and moved in with me. I found after 3 months in Jan of this year she got me to say I was going to throw her out. (She had been acting distant to me and strange). Damn we had just bought a puppy together and I did not mean to throw her out, but found out she had not told her ex they were finished, just she wanted to live with a friend ME to save their relationship. YES she was sleeping with him in the day when I was working. She was found to have within one month of being thrown out and knowing I said I was sorry and could we try to fix the relationship, to be seeing a completely new guy.

 

This I confirmed and was gutted but the ex I took her from was friendly with me, he said that she was seeing this guy before Christmas, only she left her bank statements here and the new guy lives miles away, she never spent time with him and their was no petrol purchases anywhere near his area.

 

I was gutted as you can probably tell, still am and wonder would or will we get back together but my friend told me - move on. The reason I got with her was that I was available whilst her old relationship was not working.

 

What girl does this and will this kind of girl ever find happiness. she has moved three times and has obviously a problem with being on her own.

 

J

[Puo]

Was dumped for someone else. That relationship lasted a month, with me still in contact with her. Attempted to see if I could patch things up, but when I found out she was screwing yet another guy within a matter of weeks I completely cut her off.

 

Since then she has dated the first rebounds best friend, and currently may be dating someone else. Five guys (thats including me) in less than a year makes me see how unstable she has become.

[opalinef]

my ex dumped me after 14 months in mid august stating he wasn't happy, didn't know why, still loved me but didn't want to be in a relationshp with anyone. by the end of august he was on dating sites looking for a "long term relationship" and was looking for someone basically describing me. by mid november he was in a relationship with someone and now i hear they are moving in together after dating for four months.

 

i kind of feel like absolute garbage everytime i think of this.

[peace_lily]

it just makes me so sad because we were together for like 2 years and the whole time she wouldn't let me tell anyone. It was like she was ashamed of me. I knew that she would never tell her family. And now she just wants to act like our relationship never happened! I know it's meant to get easier but it's not I can't get over the way I was replaced.

 

I think this feeling that she was ashamed of you is really important. I am mostly straight myself, but I have a lot of close friends who are GLBT and I think that the hurt you are feeling is pretty commonly associated with one partner being closeted. The important thing to know is that it is not about you at all. It sounds to me as thought she was afraid of society judging and rejecting her, and perhaps rightly so, given the history of violence and intolerance against gay, lesbian, and transgender persons. It may very well be fear rather than shame that motivated her secrecy.

 

I know it may be impossible for you not to take her secrecy about your relationship personally. As you can see from the many people who have empathized with you and responded to you, we straight people see your relationship as filled with all the love and heartbreak that yours was. If she was ashamed, it was not of you. You have no reason to feel that she felt any less for you because she hid the relationship. If anything, my guess would be that she probably felt more, and her desire to hide everything was in fact a desire to protect the relationship from criticism.

 

I think this is supported by the fact that she left you for someone else and told you that she wasn't doing the very thing she did. This is what my ex did too (if you click on my handle, you can see my other posts). The two previous exs (before me) that my own Ex loved had left him for someone else and he didn't want to see himself as being anything like them. He didn't want to entertain the notion that emotional cheating was real cheating because it would make him a "bad" and wrong person like they were. By telling me that he wasn't leaving me for her, he was just trying to protect himself from criticism.

 

Your ex is doing the same. She only has her own best interests at heart. Ask yourself if she was anyone else, any other friend you had, would you let her lie to you like this? Would you let her rub your loss and pain in your face?

 

Of course not. I think from your post you have too much respect for yourself for that. You need to go NC. It's hard, but eventually it becomes a habit and you will no longer feel that it is impossible not to see her.

[rapunzel]

Mine was never really "with" me. He was still smarting over the end of his relationship with his ex, who he would not commit to. When he found out she was dating someone else, after a year and a half, he went into a depression and I was lucky enough to come along then.

 

He broke up with me in early September and within a month (at least that's when I saw his profile) he was on link removed lying about his age to meet younger women. He brought a new younger woman around on January 24th and then a few days later his profile came down.

 

Either way, if they leave you for someone else or they leave you to try to FIND someone else, they have LEFT you. Bottom line.

[Daria_Lane]

Dude was a harlot

[Laymisse]

Hell yes, i know how that feels. I got dumped and then a week later he was dating a girl back in his home town, which pretty much spelt out to me that he'd been planning it whilst we were 'together' (especially as he jumped at the lamest excuse in the book to dump me). They're still together now, but i've figured they're suited to each other - him for being a coward, and her for knowing he was with me but still pursuing him.

[canali]

when I called up my ex 2 mo later i found out about her new ''friend'' whom she shared a sailing passion with ...now upon calling her again in a follow up/test the waters call 3 wks ago (mistaken!) I am told by her that she and 'john' had a great trip in costa rica and that ''john has asked me to marry him...so life is good.'' (thanks!)......i mean who knows if something like that will last or not, but whatever, I should have moved on much sooner than I have/did...whatever, now I have to I guess esp later the next few days she told me that she never really loved me or was attracted to me during our nearly 2 yrs together (yeah whatever: she was always jumping my bones more than I was for her...I think she felt sexually rejected in the end as I was angry with her on some issues and we didn't discuss them to resolve them more maturely)...c'est le vie....live and learn...i wish her the best...but now I HAVE to move on...asking God in prayer and in meditations to help me close the door, learn the lessons, fill my heart with love more than it is and continue onward with my journey to becoming a better person.

[dpt]

happened to me twice: both times i saw it coming.

 

the 1st one dumped me claiming she didnt feel the same way about me anymore, got with this guy i knew she would a month later, 3 months later he cheated on her... what goes around comes around.

 

2nd one © i dumped, after being unsure, i'd already dumped her because i grew closer to someone else(g), i didnt want anything to happen with the new girl(g). but drunk one night we ended up kissing, dated for a few weeks then she got back with her ex. my ex © dated my mate and flatmate. we got back together, split up, i could never forgive her for doing something so close to home, she went and slept with him that night. © would never have found out about (g), i told her tho.

 

Generally everything is swings and roundabouts. You'll get over you ex and her new relationship and then you'll enjoy a whole new adventure. i think nc is a good idea till you heal, then maybe you could try emailing her but you need to be ready incase she doesnt seem interested. if you can refrain from the email, eventually she will just be a distant happy memory that you learnt lots of valuable lessons from, and thats the important thing for when you find the 'one'

 

good luck

[andrew8834]

So I dated a girl for about a year and a couple of months. I met her the summer before I went to college. She was going to be a senior in high school. The night before I went to college we agreed to break up but we spent the night together and kept talking everyday. On my birthday(only 2 weeks into the school year), and for reasons I will never fully understand I told her I wanted to get back together, to which she immediately agreed. Anyways we did the long distance thing all year, although my school was luckily only an hour and a half away. I would come home every 2 or 3 weeks all school year to see her. I thought at the time that we were completely in love, and maybe we were. We shared alot of emotionally intense emotional episodes over the course of our relationship. Anyways, our one year anniversary rolled around and it went great, but within a week things started going south. We broke up two weeks after our anniversary, also two days before we were supposed to start working a summer job together(She had worked at this job for three summers straight and was friends with all the other counselors, I knew no one). I was devastated to say the least. She hooked up with one of her best friends (Another counselor) only two days after we broke up, although I didn't know this at the time, I had to quit the summer job because it was too heartbreaking to see her all the time. (Only made it a day haha) We ended up meeting up a week after we broke up and she confessed to hooking up with him, I was hurt but she told me that she was sorry and she was just in so much pain from the breakup. We got back together and things started getting better, but it was only weeks before she went to college for the first time. I was freaking out that she was going to leave me once she got to school, and when she did get there I totally lost my * * * * . I ended up leaving school driving 18 hours from my school to hers and proposing to her! (It is the craziest dumbest thing I have ever done, creepy too, I KNOW.) This was a week into the school year. She and I only saw each other for about two hours before she essentially made me leave. I drove back up to school the next day and she told me that we needed to take a break. I was once again, devastated. She immediately started seeing a guy who literally could be my clone for about two weeks. I cut her off and stopped answering her calls and texts and on my birthday this past fall we ended up getting back together AGAIN! We were together for about a week when her parents ended up finding out about me driving down there and essentially demanding that she and I break up. We did. Again. She immediately started seeing somebody else. Again. About three weeks went by. I would get drunk and call her and talk about all the times we shared. She would sometimes answer sometimes not. I finally told her to leave me alone by a text. She called 4 times that night, told me she was in love with me and wanted to work things out. We got back together. Again. We were in this quasi-relationship until just before thanksgiving. I came home for thanksgiving break and we met up. We cried, we hooked up, we cried some more, and then she told me that she had kissed a friend of hers. I told her never to speak to me again. Obviously bull * * * * . We didn't speak for two weeks. We both came home for x-mas break, but for some reason I just knew she had a new bf. Everyone told me that I was a. crazy (definitely true), and b. wrong. (definitely false). I went out with friends and got drunk one night and when I got home I got online. I saw she was on ichat so I vidchatted her. I told her I knew she had a new bf. She asked me who had told me. I said no one did I just knew. She told me that she needed someone to be there for her and that I just simply couldn't be there for her anymore.(Obvious bull * * * * haha) I have blocked her in every way since.(blocked cell phone, blocked email, blocked fb, blocked ichat). I have no way of knowing anymore what is going on in her life. I don't know if she is dating this guy still or not. I am constantly suffering from a terrible pain in my chest. I decided I hate where I go to school, so I took a leave of absence and just moved to a major city. I haven't found a job yet and haven't made any friends, so sadly I have alot of time on my hands to wallow in self-pity(can't wait to stop ASAP haha). I fall asleep some nights feeling fine, others I can't sleep at all and obsess over how happy she is with her new bf and if he is taller, smarter, better looking, better in bed, or better in any other way than me. I also wonder if she still misses me at all. I know the obvious answer to that one haha. What I am wondering everyone is not if I can get her back, because I know I can't, but two things. A. Is this a rebound relationship or not? and B. Do I only care for superficial reasons(Not having a job yet or friends, basically not really having a life here yet/My Ego/Not having met a girl yet that intrigues me)? or is it actually heartbreak and the loss of a true love?

[No1]

Okay, I dont want to sound mean, but its so nice to know Im not the only one this has happened to.. My story? Less than a month after she asked me to "let me go" she was already in love, and found her soul mate. Oddly enough they havent been on a date yet.

It really is comforting to know that we are all in the same boat, hurting and together we can learn and heal.

[BriarRose]

My ex from 2 years ago left me for someone else a few weeks before I was supposed to move up to be with him (it was a LDR). I never heard from him again.

[wlh22]

wow... so many people have experienced this.. its really sad

 

my ex dumped me one day (for me - it was out of the blues) and was with someone next day...

 

i still can't answer your question (she never cleraly told me even whe I confronted her)..

 

but I am gussing the new guy did play a role her dumping me...

 

its sad...

[Brenda222]

How is it working with the new guy? I was dumped and it hurts so much to have this done to me.

[Brenda222]

From your photo, you are so georgeous. You really deserve someone else. Thats his loss. He cant sleep with her then come and tell you, that hurts. But seems you love him. I know the feeling. I am hurting for the one that I love too. Make it work if you can.

[wlh22]

How is it working with the new guy? I was dumped and it hurts so much to have this done to me.

Brenda,

Did you mean to ask me?

 

Honestly... I don't know... she avoided me and vanished... so its been a year and I have no whereabouts...

[Brenda222]

I have been dumped after living with someone for 7 years. Bad part is we have a child together and I have to hear his voice when he calls to say he he's picking up his son or when he drops him off. He got back with his ex and who knows who else. Before we broke up he started to staying off all night then one day came and told me he didn't love me any more. That's when I get so depressed. I went thru so much with this breakup. I couln't work or do anything. I ended up losing everything, my job, my apartment, being homeless. I turned to the church, it helps. I still hurt and am praying that that goes away. Problem I am still in love with him. He was seeing this person, the ex, while we were still living. together. Now she sleeps in my old bedroom we shared. He gives me the cold shoulder and rarely speaks, even to say hello, when he drops off his son. Has not said one word but hello for almost a year now, even while we were living together. I wonder if people like that ever get theirs? She is is wrong to do you that way. He told me the same thing about his ex, were just friends, so why is she sleeping in my old room with him? It seems people like your ex and mine walk around hurting other people, getting what they want and not caring about other people's feelings. I would not be her friend. If she couldn't be with me it would be nothing. Why keep you as a friend, friends dont hurt each other like this. Staying friends with her is just throwing this in your face. I don't mind hearing your story, it's my story too. He wanted me to move from our home, 2 months later this woman is sleeping in my bedroom, what makes it so bad, he had our child in the bed with them. It hurts when I see him driving her car and he does not speak to me but I never let him see it. Don't let her see your hurt. Be like I am, be pleasant to her, speak and put on a happy face when you see her. These kind of cheaters are so cruel. She was probably cheating when you were with her. She had to be, no one could develop feeling that quick. I would put her back on facebook, add friends and post messages about the places you are going, things you are doing and so forth. Let her think you are living the life of riley. Dont contact her on facebook, let her contact you and don't respond to her messages. Even if you have to get a new email and send messages to yourself on facebook, do it. People thrive on seeing you hurt. Dont let her see it. I dont. When I see my ex, I speak, say hello, smile, even though Im hurting so much inside, I never let him see it. They love the feeling of seeing you sad because you lost them. Don't give her the power. I hope you meet someone else who will love you the way you should be loved. I can tell that you never cheated (just like I never did). Remember, what goes around, comes around. I hope you are with someone else, in love, when her's comes around. Im gonna check on you from time to time. Let me know how this works.

[wlh22]

Thanks Brenda... I am so sorry for your story and that you went through this...

 

yes.... you are right... I never cheated and was nice... and of course now i won't contact her...

[Brenda222]

Your welcome. You deserve better. The more I see things that show me he is with her, like him driving her car and when our son tells me she was there at our home, the more I get it together. I remember when he once told me he was not happy with her. Thing is she lets him do whatever he wants to and stay out all night and doesnt say anything about it. I will not be disrespected like this. If you've never cheated then the good thing is that you wont have this come back on you. Thing is with mine. He was with me, she had a boyfriend. So she is always gonna wonder when he is out if he is with me and he is always gonna wonder when she is out if she is with her boyfriend she had. Just make sure you seem so pleasant and happy when you see her. Never let her see the hurt you are going thru. You are too good for a cheater. Loving someone and committment means dealing with the good and the bad parts of a relationship. But cheating is something that you cant change. I think anything can be worked out other than cheating. When you cheat and touch someone else, sex, you have just violated the person who gave their trust to you.

[wlh22]

well... yes... i think i deserve better.... and i will probably never see her again because she just didn't want to do anything with me.. she just vanished... so now i don't even know where she is... no contact.. in a way its a good thing...

[GivenUpOnHope]

same thing happened to me. my ex started seeing some fat ugly loser 2 weeks after she broke up with me. my friends keep telling me i should be glad that she downgraded. but that just makes me feel crappier. cuz i'm sitting here thinking what did i do wrong? or what didn't i do? sighs...it's been about a month since she broke up with me. i have a huge trust issue, i don't trust ppl for crap. she got me to trust her, and i did. and now, my walls are back up and i'm hurting soooo much that i'm numb inside. sighs...

[ChewyC]

Wow this is an old thread. But I feel the need to comment.

 

My ex actually did both.

 

We were together for 3 years, and we lived together for about half of that time. But in the last month of the relationship, the relationship was under a lot of stress, due to her meeting some guy a lot. I had no problem with her having guy friends, but she was trying to keep it secret, telling me she was going to see girl friends, and I only found out when I saw a text from the guy. I confronted her about it, she apologised and told me she'd be honest in future. THE VERY NEXT DAY I saw another text from the guy about another meeting she was keeping secret, and thus came the completed downfall of the relationship. She then dumped me about 2 weeks later, saying she was hurt that I didn't trust her when it came to this guy.

 

It turns out, that she dumped me for this guy. But this guy rejected her, I guess he decided that a girl who would meet him in secret and then dump her boyfriend of 3 years on a whim wasn't the girl he wanted to see, idk. I only found this out because a friend of hers felt compelled to tell me, which I am thankful for, even though it hurt like hell at the time. It cut me real deep to find out that she did indeed have romantic feelings for this guy, after her dumping me because she didn't like how I didn't trust the situation. It hurt that we did everything together for 3 years, lived together for 1.5 years, and that that diamond ring I put on her finger apparently meant nothing.

 

After her rejection (which she of course, still hasn't admitted to), she started dating another guy within about 6 weeks. She was respectable enough and big enough to call me and inform me of that. That conversation was the most painful of my life, but I truly respect her for telling me.

 

But it really hurts. It hurts to know that not only did your ex dump you for someone else, but when that failed, she very quickly started dating someone else. That hurts.

 

But if that happens to you, the important thing is to not lose your head. It's easy to fall into a pit of despair. I did. I spent the next 4 or so months drinking and smoking weed pretty much every night (a friend of mine was dumped around the same time as me and we both fell into this pit of despair and substance abuse together). I won't lie, that was a fun 4 months, I didn't see a sober day for a very long time. But looking back, I regret that and I would implore anyone in a similar position not to do that.

 

It still hurts. It's been about a year and a half now and she's still with this guy. It hurts a hell of a lot to know that she moved on so quickly and made it last. I still speak to her from time to time, and she very rarely mentions him. She never mentions him on her social media. And in that situation, it's easy to look and think "hmmm, maybe that means she isn't that into him and wants to get back together later." Maybe that is the case. But DO NOT get yourself hung up on that. I'm about 18 months after break up and I still consider that a possibility. A year ago, I would have welcomed that. But now, I think about her reaching out to me for reconciliation, and I can see myself telling her just where to go.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do still miss her and I imagine I will for the rest of my days. But our time together is over. We had a great 3 years together, but all things must pass. I don't doubt that I'll find someone else whom I love even more and who won't decieve me or move on so quickly.

 

My point is, no matter the manner of you becoming single, no matter what your ex does, no matter how much you might miss them, DON'T GET YOURSELF HUNG UP ON THEM. Try your hardest to move on. Try not to think about them. Try to enjoy your new found singledom. Do whatever you want to do, but don't think of your ex.

 

As I say, I still miss her. And whenever I think about her and him together, it hurts. Not only does it hurt, but it makes me jealous. I'm jealous that they share the bed we used to. I'm jealous that he spends time with her that we used to. Hell, I'm jealous that he gets to make love to her like I used to. But at the same time, I'm happy she found someone, I truly am. And I know that I will too one day.

 

Do not despair, anyone reading this. I despaired for a long time and I really wish I saw then what I see now. And that is the bigger picture. As the age old saying and cliche goes, "there are plenty more fish in the sea."

[ChewyC]

Also, it's important to remember that this happens ALL THE TIME! I'm sure we all know an ex couple who have undergone this. I know a girl whom I went to school with, she was with a guy for 5 years. They split up (pretty sure she dumped him) and within a year, she was engaged and had a child with another man. Gotta hurt for her ex.

 

So just remember that you're not alone in this sad situation. I'm not saying to take solace in knowing there are others more miserable than you, but just think of these people as compadre's, and gain a sense of solidarity from it.

[ewr]

My situation was a bit more complicated than it sounds, but simplified, my gf "broke up" with me by shutting off her phone...and I found out it was for another guy when HE texted me saying she was in his bed. Was a great night..not.

[wlh22]

First time I was in a relationship (which was long-term/serious), the girl left me and later I found out (which turned ugly) that she was with someone else immediately (as in, like next day). This gave me such a blow that I couldn't recover for at least 2-3 years. It feels like she hid it from me and there seems to be potentially to have been cheating involved. Or at least secretly building another "boyfriend type relationship/interest" while keeping me going. It sucked!!! and I never got answers

 

Recently, this girl I had started to like and develop feelings for left to be with a long-term friend she wanted to pursue. It sucked too. although given we were still in that early phase of "undefined commitment" it probably hurt less and she was clear that she just though for her it was a better long-term compatibility so she had to take a risk and follow one over the other. Don't get me wrong. It sucked too.