Forgiving Yourself for Your Part

[blueyes85]

Hello all,

I think I have realized what my biggest obstacle has been in getting over my most recent breakup: admitting that I did play a role, and forgiving myself.

I have realized that yes, I was very insecure at times while we were together. Often I tried to hide it; I'm not sure how frequently it "showed through." Sometimes I created my own insecurity (imagining worst-case scenarios, not trusting him enough, not thinking I was good enough for him); other times things he or others did fed my insecurities (not returning my calls/messages, not following through on promises, girls flirting with him excessively). Like I said, I often kept quiet and only brought up issues when they really bothered me, but I think that my doubts and bad gut feeling may have shown in my behavior without my realizing it.

Now that I have identified my part, that maybe my insecurity drove him away somewhat (although I do NOT think it was bad enough to dump someone over; it was certainly fixable, if he had bothered to try), the question is, how do you forgive yourself?

 

How do you let go of the mentality that "I may have driven away the love of my life" or "If only I hadn't/had done this or that" or "If only I had reacted differently, he might still be here"? How do you stop exaggerating your own role in the breakup?

 

In other words, how do you stop blaming yourself, and let go and forgive yourself? Nobody is perfect, myself included. But I always thought that people who love each other accept, acknowledge, and work through their flaws. For ex. if my boyfriend had felt smothered or something, I wish he had mentioned it to me, and given me a chance to fix it. I would have. When I had issues with him, I always mentioned them and explained why his behavior was upsetting me, so that he would have a chance to fix the problem. He didn't do that for me. I suppose if you can throw something away without trying to fix it---it wasn't love.

 

Thoughts?

[lilypadgirl]

Thank you for this post! This and the flip side (getting over the anger) are things I've thought about a lot.

 

I think first of all, as long as there's no cheating or abuse, it's important to realize that it takes two to make things work and to break things up. We are as much actors as we are REactors. Like you said, you were insecure, but he also did things to make you insecure as well.

 

I think that pain comes from we never got to show them how wonderful things could be and the POTENTIAL of the relationship. But remember a lot of the times is they never gave us the chance to improve things.

 

His lack of communication (and my ex's as well) never gave us the chance to make things better. We're not mind readers. Just as girls shouldn't expect guys to just know what to do or say, we can't be expected to just know how to fix things if we're never told it was bothering them. Actually, I see it as a lack of real commitment. But maybe others will disagree and think that's harsh.

 

Actually I went through the same emotional things but my problem was the opposite. He felt that I wasn't as warm with him and for the longest time I went through: why didn't I express myself more or why didn't I tell him everything I felt for him, if only that time at that place I had done this then we'd still be together, etc. Yes there was more I could have done, but on the other hand, he had exterme trust, communication, and passivity issues that made it really hard for me to completely open up to him for fear of being rejected. There were just as many things he could have done to save the relationship.

 

A relationship takes two, two people to work on it, two people to commit to it. If a relationship fails, it's not any one person's fault.

 

If he doesn't work on it, especially on things that we think is workable, then there really is nothing more we could have done. Then in that case, I do think it's a compatibility issue.

 

So, please be kinder to yourself!

 

Actually, I went through the whole "why didn't I" phase and it turned into "why didn't he" phase. Why didn't he tell me what was bothering him? Why didn't he want to try after I poured out my heart to him? How could he let go so suddenly and absolutely and without trying? How could he not have regrets? etc etc

 

In the end, it's important to realize that's just who he is and this is who we are. If it's right, both people will fight for it. I'd much rather work on figuring out who shares my values, defintions of relationship and commitment, passions, etc than wonder what could have been if only...

 

Sorry for rambling!

[bustertypsy]

Blueyes quote

 

In other words, how do you stop blaming yourself, and let go and forgive yourself? Nobody is perfect, myself included. But I always thought that people who love each other accept, acknowledge, and work through their flaws. For ex. if my boyfriend had felt smothered or something, I wish he had mentioned it to me, and given me a chance to fix it. I would have. When I had issues with him, I always mentioned them and explained why his behavior was upsetting me, so that he would have a chance to fix the problem. He didn't do that for me. I suppose if you can throw something away without trying to fix it---it wasn't love

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Blueyes,as you quoted above....nobody is perfect.

Now that you know that,you must find it in you to forgive yourself.

I lost my girlfriend through insecurities too.Her insecurities,not mine.

She ended the relationship,but it was because of her doubts and insecurities.She couldn't trust me,not because she had reason not to trust me,but because of a past relationship.We rowed over her insecurities often.However because I loved her,I intended to stick it out,but she let me go.I just hope one day she asks for forgiveness for walking away.

If anybody should have walked,it should have been me.I'm not perfect either,but as you said,I was willing to work through the flaws.

 

It is so sad that your relationship ended because of insecurities.

I believe over time that the insecurities can be put to bed and the relationship can grow.It just needs time and patience and a partner who doesn't quit,but keeps working on things.

 

So don't judge yourself so harshly.Find self forgiveness and see him for what he did.He walked away without fighting to save the relationship.I hope he can forgive himself for that.

[blueyes85]

Actually, I went through the whole "why didn't I" phase and it turned into "why didn't he" phase. Why didn't he tell me what was bothering him? Why didn't he want to try after I poured out my heart to him? How could he let go so suddenly and absolutely and without trying? How could he not have regrets? etc etc

 

I am so glad I'm not the only one that thinks about this stuff! Isn't it awful how your mind can drive you insane with questions?

 

And the worst part is...when you finally find an "answer" to one question, and feel satisfied for a moment...ANOTHER question pops up! haha](*,)

[blueyes85]

It is so sad that your relationship ended because of insecurities.

I believe over time that the insecurities can be put to bed and the relationship can grow.It just needs time and patience and a partner who doesn't quit,but keeps working on things.

 

Well, I don't think our relationship ended JUST because of my insecurities (at least I hope not!) It seems he simply wanted to chase other women, from how it's turned out since.

 

But, I agree. This problem was fixable for certain. I should have talked to him about my worries more, and he should have told me about whatever was bothering him. Unless it's something devastating like infidelity/abuse, I do agree that most relationship problems are fixable.

 

The commitment, though, has to be there from BOTH parties.

 

PS Bustertypsy---I think it's great you were willing to try to help your gf through her insecurities (which sound very similar to mine). It's comforting to know that a guy like you that's willing to TRY...is out there! Too bad for her that she couldn't appreciate you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is a big difference between self-induced insecurities and insecurities which come out because of the partner's actions or inactions. There are many people who are very insecure because they don't love themselves so they imagine that their partner couldn't possibly love them either...as a result the person over-reacts and sets up scenarios and tests and fights and arguments so that in the end he/she sabotages the relationship, the other person walks and thus there is the self-fulfilled prophecy that the partner didn't love them or else they wouldn't have left...but in reality the partner just couldn't handle the constant sabotage.

 

However, this is what you say you partner did:

 

(not returning my calls/messages, not following through on promises, girls flirting with him excessively).

 

Anyone would feel insecure if their partner did that and that insecurity is bound to show. If he did all that to you and then blamed the demise of the relationship on your insecurities then he is not taking responsibility for where he pushed the buttons and fed into your insecurities.

 

So in assessing your part in the demise of the relationship, you should really take stock of how much of the insecurities were within yourself and how much were driven by the situation..ie his actions. Then you work on forgiving yourself for your own internal insecurities and strive to get a better grip on yourself next time around...and at the same time, recognize that you are not responsible for HIS actions which magnified your insecurities...you are only responsible for the insecurities you cause yourself...not the ones that he created in you due to his unreliable behaviour.

[blueyes85]

Thank you all for your responses!

 

Anyone else have any insights?