Long Distance Love

[Trina]

I have been with my boyfriend for three years three months. Though we met online, we met up and saw each other for a year and a half. life was blissful! he however left for university and is now 20000miles away from me. he comes home for summer every year and the times we spend together are still the same. even while hes not here, we talk online everyday for atleast 2 hrs and he calls me 3/4 times a week. its as good as a LDR can be- and maybe more- but for some reason i keep getting pangs. every few days i get these bouts of insecurity. i feel as though he left me, that he left me coz i'm too fat or sumthing. i know that he loves me- but i cant stop feeling insecure. i get paranoid at thoughts of what hes doing right now- and get afraid that he might cheat on me. though i have absolutely no reason to think that way. worse is i take all this out on him. everytime i feel like this- i blame him for leaving me for causing so much pain for both of us and have fights. the more i miss him, the worse i get- i dont know what to do. i want to stop being so paranoid but i end up making both of us feel miserable. i dont want to end the relationship we share- we're perfect for each other and we love each other. but i'm scared that my tantrums might drive him up the walls. he says he doesnt mind me throwin fits at hiom coz he knows me and knows its all for him- but i'm scared that one day he might think that its too much to take. please advise me in what i can do.

[mermayd]

This is a hard situation for you to be in. Long distance relationships are tough to keep up and take a lot of hard work. Of course you probably feel and wonder what he is doing. "did he meet another girl?" "is he thinnking about me?" You know what? he is probably thinking the same as you. You are 20000 miles away from him too. He doesnt know everything that happens all the time so Im sure his curiosity is at hand as well. I have not been in this particular situation but I have had major insecurites with my bf that I know are probably not worth worrying about, but I still do. I have continued to remind myself that these are MY insecurites and I need not to worry. I would suggest the same for you. If he is calling you all the time and tells you that he cares, you probably have absolutely nothing to worry about and although it is hard to accept you insecurites and try not to think about it, it does tend to help once you get the hang of things. He hasnt given you any reason to believe that he would stray so try not to put ideas in your head if ther hasnt been any reason to do so. I hope this helped you sort things out somewhat...

[Trina]

hey mermayd

 

thanks for the advice i really cant stop worrying- though i know how the situation is and that i probably can trust him more than myself. guess id have to talk myself out of the "state" everytime i feel that way

[mermayd]

That is exactly what you need to do. Talk yourself out of it. Eventually, your worries will be disregarded.

[Nescafe]

Hey Trish...

I've been in a long distance relationship, a VERY long distance relationship (Canada-Egypt) for more than four years. It ended in just the last two weeks or so, and it didn't end well. In fact it was terribly painful for me and I'm still trying to recover from it.

The paranoia and insecurities you mentioned in your post were EXACTLY the concerns I had in my relationship. At some points it got so bad I would just phone her up just to see if some guy would answer the phone. I didn't handle my insecurities well, however I was able to overcome them because the one thing we had that is absolutely critical in a long distance relationship is trust. If you do not completely trust your partner, and you are prone or vulnerable to insecurities, I would cut it off immediately, otherwise you risk having to deal with a lot of mental anguish.

If you are serious about making the relationship work, I have some other advice for you. First of all, one of you is going to have to move. You need something to work towards, to progress the relationship, otherwise it won't go anywhere. In the meantime, however, both of you are going to have to make plans to see each other, ie. you travel to see him and he travels to see you on a regular basis. This might sound redundant to you but I can't emphasize how important that is to build trust.

The single biggest problem I had though was dealing with the insecurities you were talking about. Sometime it would drive me crazy wondering if she was cheating on me. You have to talk and be very blunt with each other. I can't emphasize enough if you don't trust each other completely it will be extremely difficult to make it work.

A long distance relationship is very difficult to make work, especially the farther away you are. I was SURE that I could do it, but despite my best efforts it just didn't happen. I hope things work out for you, and hopefully what I've said can help educate you.