B/f Just Told Me He Looks @ Girls & Imagines Sex w/Them.

[MoonlapseVertigo]

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 1 year and 10 months as of yesterday. This weekend after coming in a little drunk from a party, we had a falling out. Basically, I sleep at his house 6 nights out of the week and so he said lately he's been feeling smothered.

 

This was fine until he told me that the past few weeks he's been not only looking at other girls, but imaging having sex with them. I mean, I can't believe he can actually picture it and said he doesn't feel wrong doing it. Then again, it has him contemplating breaking up with me although he says I am the only one he can picture spending the rest of his life with. I told him that if he were to leave to just have sex with other people and come back, that I wouldn't be able to get back with him. If he says I'm perfect, wouldn't being with anyone else be less?

 

We were intimate last night and I started thinking about this stuff. I got really upset (he doesn't know it), but it scares me to know he looks at other girls like that now. Before he said he would look at girls and think, "Hey she's pretty/hot.", but wouldn't keep looking because he felt bad as if he would be cheating to do more than that. Now he feels that he's not doing anything wrong.

 

He is a wonderful boyfriend. We have so much in common and I love him to death. What do I do? I asked him if this would cause us to break up and at first he said he didn't know, but now he says he doesn't want to. What should I do? Could it be because he's 20 and I'm 23? Will this go away? Is it normal? =( I am so upset.

[buffalosoldier]

Unfortunately,ALL men look.Would be lovely if they didnt wouldnt it? But short of pulling out their eyes,theres not alot you can do.I know what you are going through,and i can say that it will get better,and in time you wont even think about it.

 

But,having said that,he cant just be telling you his fantasies about other women.U deserve to be respected and that is not respecting you.Does he know that this bothers you?Obviously he cant put it right if he is not aware of what he has done wrong.

 

I have to agree that staying at his house 6/7 nights a week might be a bit much,crikey that only gives him one night to himself.Maybe he is rebelling somewhat against this?Im not saying he's intentionally trying to hurt you,but maybe he is finding it hard to express his feelings of 'being smothered' and is trying to get your attention this way? (some men are funny like that)

 

I would tell him it bugs you,and if he continues,well then you know what that says about him.Failing that,do the same thing to him,might make him realise what its doing to you!!

 

Good luck.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

First off I'm going to take a wack at Buffalo. Don't make generalities and say "ALL men" because that isn't true. I might me a very strange exception, but whenever I've been with anyone I stop seeing anyone else as attractive. I don't know why, but I don't. Actually after my ex broke up with me it took almost 4 months before I started to see other women as attractive.

 

That being said, it might just be my belief, but if he thinks about it he might as well have done it. Just because you don't actually cheat on someone, it doesn't mean you have kept you mind true to them. Where the mind leads, the body is shore to follow. It tells you where his heart is. You're in a bad spot, and it might just be that I found myself in strange situations, but I don't see things working out for you. You might have a great guy, but if he isn't going to be loyal to you in mind and body, then you can do much better.

[The Morrigan]

LOL - Nifty, I'd have to say you're an exception, especially for the older teen to early 20's age group, my guy friends have all admitted it's not uncommon for them to have a "passing thought" that comes along with finding a girl "hot" even if they have no intention of acting on it at all.

 

(Note: not all guys are like this, but many are, the real problem I have is the ones who don't have a problem ACTING on those fleeting attractions

 

That said - it's crossing the line for him to tell you about this, unless you happened to be one of those couples that likes sharing fantasies - and this sure doesn't seem the case. At the least, it's pretty thoughtless of him regarding how it would make you feel - you're not one of his guy friends to exchange crude comments with, it serves no purpose except to bother you, and he should be able to see that.

 

I agree in the main with buffalosoldier on this one - and would add he might also be missing the thrill of the "chase" to get a girl, though I doubt he realizes it. You might want to do little things, like being flirty, being a bit less available every night to him, to keep the thrill where it belongs, which is with you. Don't let him take you for granted - make him realize what a good thing he's got by working for it a bit!

[dino-prime]

me and my ex had a saying,

 

"you could look at the menu as long as you dont order"

 

it seemed to work for us, but everyone is different.

 

unfortunately for me she ordered, three times!! she said that she felt smothered in the relationship near the end. im 27 and she's 23, she wanted to get out and see if the grass is greener.

 

who knows if it is, but i taught me some vauble lessons, breaking up with her as it hurt me deeply, but i am stronger now.

 

if he wants out, then get out and find someone who apprieciates you honey.

 

my 2p folks as always

 

deano

[netman]

I think most if not all men, whether in relationships or not, once in a while look at other women and fantasize about having sex with them; I fit in that catagory and I think it's natural. Don't get me wrong. I would never cheat on my g/f, but I don't feel guilty about occasionally imagining being with other girls. But I would NEVER, EVER, EVER admit it to my g/f; I repeat NEVER knowing how many problems it would lead to, unless I've lost all respect for my g/f and I wanted out.

 

It's not the part about him imagining being with other girls that you should be concerned with; it's him telling this to you. You have to figure out his motive for doing that. It sounds to me from what you wrote that he's a little confused, and he may be hinting to you that he wants the freedom of being single again.

 

I do also think that 6 out of 7 days is a bit too much. You should give him a little space, and if you do realize that he doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, than let it be and let go. Easier said than done, but always remember that you should love yourself more than your relationship. Good luck....

[MoonlapseVertigo]

Thank you to everyone who replied. The reason he told me is because I asked. He was drunk, which might have made it a tiny bit easier to tell me, but it was only because I asked. I asked him, "Do you look at other girls? Do you picture yourself with them?". His answer at first was, "I don't know.", but that meant yes. Then after I kept saying to tell me the truth, he said, "Sometimes." followed by how he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt/upset me. I asked for it and with him being honest, he told me. This only happened after him telling me that for the past few weeks he's felt smothered and weird.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have asked, but I know for a fact he didn't use to do this before. He would say he could look at other girls and think they're pretty, but now he's picturing sexual things.

 

So my questions are these -

Do you think that him going from just looking to now fantasizing is bad? Do most guys do this anyway?

Are guys just capable to look and not think into it?

Is it worth leaving him over?

Am I thinking too far into this?

Does age play a factor?

Could this work out still?

 

Maybe my "smothering" him has caused him to do this...Could this be true? Could giving him more space make the sexual ideas while looking at other girls go away?

[The Morrigan]

Do you think that him going from just looking to now fantasizing is bad? Do most guys do this anyway?

Just because he didn't tell you he fantasized on occasion before doesn't mean he didn't And from what I've heard, yeah, most guys do this on occasion, with all the emotional involvement most guys look at porn or playboy on occasion with. It has to do with guys being more visual than emotional from what I gather as far as sexual triggers go.

Are guys just capable to look and not think into it?

Look without fantasizing? Most looks probably don't end up as more than just a look, just occasionally.

Is it worth leaving him over?

If you trust him that it's not with any intent to follow through, and you can accept it on those terms, no, it isn't. If you honestly feel you can't deal with it, then yeah, but expect to run accross it in other guys.

Am I thinking too far into this?

Probably - but I'll add a caveat to that... Considering his statement that he feels smothered, and considering this isn't something guys generally discuss with their gf's, you're not overreacting in your position. You were already worried, and this threw you a curveball.

Does age play a factor?

So far I haven't found it to... my dad is 66 and a widower, and I had the pleasure of finding a porn stash in his closet cleaning out his room *shudder* Apparently even he still looks -_-;;;;

Could this work out still?

Since a lot of guys visualize, and don't ever act on it, or for that matter, even really want to act on it, yep... I'd focus more on what's making him feel smothered than this, personally... just MHO, of course

[netman]

The reason he told me is because I asked.

One thing I've learned is to not ask questions you don't want to know the answers to.

Maybe I shouldn't have asked, but I know for a fact he didn't use to do this before. He would say he could look at other girls and think they're pretty, but now he's picturing sexual things.

Of course he never mentioned this to you before. Would you have stayed with him if the first month he told you that he could picture himself doing things with other girls? Keep telling yourself this, and you'll believe it to the end, but the fact is that he's probably always thought this way, but it took an interrogation from you while he was drunk for him to spit it out. I'm sure he regrets telling you. Some things are meant to remain unsaid.

 

Now that's he's said it, don't drive him away by trying to pull expanations from him. Just try to forget about it and enjoy your relationship. I know it won't be easy, but like I mentioned before take a step back and give him a little space. He clearly already told you that he's feeling smothered, so try to make him feel unsmothered; hope that makes sense. I'm not saying a break up, just try not to come over as much and stuff.

 

 

By the way, do you trust him? Do you really truly trust him? Do you think he'd take these thoughts and act on it? I think that this all boils down to insecurities on your part. If it wasn't, you wouldn't have asked in the first place. You need to work on that. Would you admit that this may be a factor to your concerns over this?

[MoonlapseVertigo]

Of course he never mentioned this to you before. Would you have stayed with him if the first month he told you that he could picture himself doing things with other girls?

 

He told me on his own before that he would look, think they are hot or whatever and move on...Would he lie if he told me on his own?

 

Now that's he's said it, don't drive him away by trying to pull expanations from him. Just try to forget about it and enjoy your relationship. I know it won't be easy, but like I mentioned before take a step back and give him a little space. He clearly already told you that he's feeling smothered, so try to make him feel unsmothered; hope that makes sense. I'm not saying a break up, just try not to come over as much and stuff.

 

Well, I don't think I can just let it go there. I want to know if this will affect our relationship. I can't be with him intimately and wonder what he's thinking. I am giving space by staying away every other day as of this week, but I don't think the fact that it was said can just be swept under the carpet.

 

By the way, do you trust him? Do you really truly trust him? Do you think he'd take these thoughts and act on it? I think that this all boils down to insecurities on your part. If it wasn't, you wouldn't have asked in the first place. You need to work on that. Would you admit that this may be a factor to your concerns over this?

 

I completely trust that he wouldn't cheat on me, but then again, I never thought he'd tell me what he did. Maybe I am expecting perfection, but I just thought since we are "so in love" that he wouldn't go that far when he looks. I do have insecurities, but in this case, I feel like I have the right.

[MoonlapseVertigo]

Although I do have issues with porn, this is not about porn. I don't know why this got moved to this forum.

[netman]

I don't know why this got moved to Pornography Addiction either. Moderators, can you please move this back?

 

I completely trust that he wouldn't cheat on me, but then again, I never thought he'd tell me what he did. Maybe I am expecting perfection, but I just thought since we are "so in love" that he wouldn't go that far when he looks. I do have insecurities, but in this case, I feel like I have the right.

I think you ARE searching for perfection, but guess what? You'll never find it. If this is the only thing you don't like about your b/f, then consider yourself lucky. Although, like I mentioned before, I occasionallly picture myself doing things with other women it's not every pretty girl I look at that it happens. It doesn't mean that I love my g/f any less. Although I see gorgeous women all the time, even some prettier than my girl, I would take my girl over any other girl any day. I'm sure he feels the same about you.

 

Remember, you're his girl because he loves you. I think that your issue is that you believe that he never though this way before, but now he does for some reason. If he thinks like that now, then he's always thought this way which is still not the worse thing in the world. I think that what's changed is that now he has the balls to tell you about this, since any man in his right mind would NEVER admit that these kind of thoughts ever crossed their mind. Think about it. Would YOU ever admit that you may have these similar thoughts at times, even if it's once in a blue?

[Down-In-A-Hole]

I agree with Nifty. Not all guys are like that! Even if Nifty and I are the only exceptions! Don't settle for something that makes you unhappy in a realtionship.

[MoonlapseVertigo]

I think that what's changed is that now he has the balls to tell you about this, since any man in his right mind would NEVER admit that these kind of thoughts ever crossed their mind.

 

Well I emailed him some questions and got a reply. Now I'm more scared. I love him so much...

 

He said the whole thinking of other girls while looking has been since the middle of the summer and that he could try to stop but thinks it's getting progressively worse. He said he doesn't think about having sex with them alot; he'll look and itll flash for a few seconds or less. He said he doesn't think it will go away, but hasn't had the urge to cheat and wouldn't.

 

Now he says he sometimes feels flirty and tries not to. He thinks one of the main things that would draw him to someone else is the newness of it. He says he really likes being w/me, but it's almost like another sister because he feels so comfortable with me and that it's felt that way the past couple of months. He said he doesn't always want to cuddle and such and that he doesn't like saying stuff like that cause he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. He says he has just been feeling bored.

 

He doesn't think it's the smothering and that he feels like he's married. He said a year ago he really wanted to move in with me when we first started seeing each other and always wanted to be around me, but now it feels different and boring. He really misses that feeling and doesn't know how he could get it back. He's thinking of maybe taking a break but sure.

 

He ended by saying, "I do really love u, and I dont want to lose u. I just feel weird, and Its not anything u did, its just feeling like the same routine and stuff."

 

PLEASE HELP. MY HEART IS BREAKING MORE AND MORE.

[netman]

He ended by saying, "I do really love u, and I dont want to lose u. I just feel weird, and Its not anything u did, its just feeling like the same routine and stuff."

I really, really hate to say it but it sounds to me like he's trying to let you down easy. It sounds like he's losing interest in, not necessarily you, but in the relationship and he wants to let go. Him telling you these details makes it seem like he wants YOU to break up with him. Just my opinion. I feel for you, but it doesn't look good right now....

[MoonlapseVertigo]

I wrote him back and he wrote again....I wrote what he said and then how I feel in bold:

 

- He doesn't picture having sex with other girls like that; just sometimes and its not as big as I am making it. It doesnt happen all the time and I doesn't have a crush on anyone.

 

- Thinks what we have is great and loves being comfortable and that I feel comfortable around him. Sometimes misses the feeling of being unsure. (What does that mean, unsure?)

 

- Just gets the feeling of flirting sometimes, but everything said before is still true and he misses me when he's not with me; even now.

 

- He said he loves a whole lot and if he was getting married, he wouldn't want to be with anyone else and that he's just letting me know some of the feelings that he gets.

 

- He said he doesn't look at me and wish he was with someone else OR picture other people while he's with me, but he really hasn't felt like having sex with me all the time like he used to and that's what he means about missing the newness. Alot of the time, he could just as easily sleep. He said it's not my fault and it doesn't make me any less attractive. He said it's just because it's the same and a little boring like having the same sandwhich every single day for lunch. (OH MY GOD, how do I deal with this?!? It's almost been 2 years. Is this normal for him to be bored? How can I change it???)

 

- Lastly, he said he really does love me and that he'lll see me tomorrow. (Maybe I shouldn't go there today?)

[buffalosoldier]

Im a bit late but hey...gonna have a wack back!!!

 

Sorry,but anyone that says 'i dont look' is lying.What actions you take after looking is a different story,im not saying all men LEER at women,but EVeryone INCLUDING WOMEN LOOK. Who walks down the street and looks at the floor the entire time?? hmmm....i dont know anyone. It doesnt mean you fancy the floor!! Your just not going to go round with your eyes shut,sorry! Soz for the generalsiation,i think i explained it the wrong way.

[MoonlapseVertigo]

Thanks, but see the 4th page...I need advice. I know everyone looks, though...It's just hard to accept when he told me he's pictured having sex w/them.

[buffalosoldier]

Like i said,you need to tell him this is bothering you,otherwise how will he know? i personally wouldnt put up with that for a second,and i dont think you should,but thats just my opinion.Ask him kindly not to tell you these sorts of things,i read your other post to which explains a bit.I think if you spend less time with him,he will want you around more.You have to give him the chance to miss you and want to be with you,at the moment you are always around so its not possible.Once he realises that you have a life outside of him and that your not always around then he will want you to be there more and will miss you.Though it will hurt not being around him as much (trust me i know) it will be for the better eventually,as the relationship will be more fresh and you wont feel like a married couple.Variety is the spice of life remember!!

 

Good luck PM me if you need to chat more,believe me i know this situation all too well!!

[MoonlapseVertigo]

I think if you spend less time with him,he will want you around more.You have to give him the chance to miss you and want to be with you,at the moment you are always around so its not possible.

 

Is it normal for him to be bored having sex with me...I know it's been almost 2 years, but what can I do to make it not boring? It's kind of insulting to know that when I'm here, we won't have sex because it's routine/the same and that when I'm not here, he's going crazy with the porn. I just saw that last night and this morning he was hitting up the college girl porn stuff - It really hurts my heart. I am at a loss.

[Down-In-A-Hole]

Who walks down the street and looks at the floor the entire time??

 

lol, okay now we're getting into childish games with making comments like that. Given this subject matter, when one is talking about "looking", anyone in there right mind knows what that person is talking about. I did not mean literally "not looking."

 

So, I agree, everyone looks. But I will tell you that when I'm in a relationship, I don't "LEER" at other women or think anything about them other than that they are just another person on the street at the time (or mall or whatever, you get my point I hope).

 

I just find it funny that people always use the cop-out "men are visual, so that's okay if I do it"...or better yet "that's okay that my boyfriend/husband does it."

[buffalosoldier]

I dont believe that to be a childish comment,its the truth and if you happen to see someone pretty,you know you think they're pretty.Its instinctive,you just notice whether people are attractive or not its quite innocent!

 

I am the same,i do not leer at people when i am in a relationship,but if i HAPPEN to look at somebody out of HUMAN NATURE i will recognise whether they are attractive or not.Its not to say that i imagine sleeping with them or anything.

 

 

[MoonlapseVertigo]

Can someone please reply to my posts on pages 4 and 5? Also, he says that he doesn't picture the sex for a long period of time. It's that he will look and it will flash in his mind for a couple seconds. But please, someone read my post on page 4 and the one on 5. Thanks.

[MoonlapseVertigo]

So since this thread, things have been better. He has been a lot nicer like he used to be. I give him space and such. I know he still looks at the porn and I'll have to accept that, but I was wondering if he still looks at other girls and imagines having sex with them...I know people look at other people, but do you think I should ask him if things have improved and if he still does this?