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Has anyone made peace with their ex-affair partner?


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The man I had a very passionate affair with 16 years ago wants to see me again. He says he has changed, and doesn't want to have an affair, he just wants to see me as a friend. He lives in another country now. He had a terrible tragedy and lost a child. I am married with two children to a man I love but am having a hard time with at the moment. I am in therapy and have told my therapist about my situation, but I can't quite figure her out. It came out in the therapy that she herself had an affair, and the therapist told me about her affair. Now I am so confused about all the people in my life - my husband, my exlover, and my therapist. I don't think my therapist should have told me about her affair.

 

In my heart, I trust my exlover. I think people do change, especially after something like the death of a child. I read on these forums so many people who years after an affair still have unresolved feelings about it. Maybe it is more healing to meet and talk at some point. There is *no way* I would get involved sexually with anyone who wasn't my very own partner again. I love my partner, despite our difficulties, and would never do anything to hurt him.

 

However, I guess I am worried that I am biting off more than I can chew, and somehow, despite the best of intentions, someone will end up hurt again. I asked my ex-affair partner to tell his wife we are going to meet, but he doesn't want to. He thinks all it would do would be to hurt her.

 

This makes me nervous as what if she finds out. However, I can't figure out if this is any of my business or not. This is the crazy-making aspect of affairs!

 

Has anyone met with their ex-affair partner like this and been glad they did so? Or not? Please advise!!

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It's been 16 years... he should be able to tell his wife he's meeting an old friend, or he shouldn't meet you. Secrecy is something that's NEVER a good idea, if he can't tell her without hurting her, there's trust issues, it's not like this was anything recent. Same with your husband, if you don't feel like you can tell him, don't do it. This isn't something you want to bite you in the butt later, and anything that appears to be secret is DAMNED hard to justify and explain after the fact. You don't need to make trust issues in either of your marriages. And the old adage "where there's smoke there's fire" is used, even if the smoke turns out to be fog, that little bit of damage from doubt is hard to get past.

 

I'd be happy to meet an ex or affair ex - if I could do it openly and honestly, but if I knew it would cause trouble, it just wouldn't be worth it. Do you really want to sneak around again? I doubt it. Wouldn't matter if it was my spouse/partner or his that would be getting lied to - it's not the way I'd like to meet someone I'd had to cover up before in particular, and not the way I'd really like to meet anyone in general.

 

Your therapist - well, in my opinion, it's a bit unprofessional to actually go into the details of her own affair. Letting you know she had one - not a bad idea if it establishes a rapport and the feeling you'll be understood and not judged, but you're not paying her to go out for coffee and hear about her life - she's supposed to be leading you to reflect on yours and draw conclusions about yourself, your actions, and your motivations etc. So the details could probably have been omitted, and the rapport used to explore your dilemma instead. Ask her why she felt it was appropriate to tell you this much - either she should be able to give you a good reason, or she might apologize and realize she got carried away. As your therapist you need to trust her as a professional, so don't be shy about asking.

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I agree with the others on this.

 

i kind of liked Molly's aproach hehe, talk to you hubby about it. that really says it all.

 

If it was just friendship, you wont mind it being in the open, if its something you have to hide then you know its wrong.

 

You mention affair many times, in your post, im no psychiatrist but baby, thats a little battle you have going on upstairs. the only one your trying to convince that its only a friendship thing is yourself.

 

my advice. dont go down that street, if you do, you will have an affair with this man, and you know it, you will only hurt yourself, and everyone else around you.

 

I do find it odd that a therapist would start telling you about an affair he/she had. it doesnt sound proffesional.

 

break it off with the past already, doesnt matter whether he has changed or not, stop toying with those ideas, your not fooling anyone but yourself on where you want this to lead. why else would you be talking about how he has changed, yep, you see him as the man you always wanted him to become. the man you have shared so much passion with 16 years ago, is now mature too. what if what if.

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I met up with an ex-affair partner after many years. What I had been through with him...countless affairs and lots of heartache...I thought my world had fell apart. When we split, we both went our separate ways. He carried on sleeping around. I stayed single for a long time, because I wanted time to get over the hurt, and didn't want to make the mistake of carrying pain of the past into my next relationship. When I thought I was ready, I went into another relationship. The only problem was I couldn't bring myself to trust again. If he looked at another woman, I thought he was thinking about having an affair. This, as you can imagine, brought many problems into my new relationship, and led to him leaving me. So I got in touch with my ex, and asked him to meet up with me. He was married at this point, and agreed to meet me. (He didn't tell his wife). I asked him why he had had affairs. Was it me? No! It was him acting like a kid...and he had changed...immensely. His went on to tell his wife we had met, and told her why, and she was great about it! The reason? She trusts him implicitly because this is the man she knows. He can be honest with her, and tell her about us. We are all good friends now, but only because of the honesty. If you do meet up with him, and you know that old feelings will not return, you have nothing to lose...just be honest.

As for your therapist...it was not acceptable for her to tell you this, and it sounds like she may need therapy herself to get over her own pain!

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best. Good luck!

Love Kitty x

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Thank you to everyone who replied! My ex has not phoned to set up a meeting, so I'm off the hook for now. And if he does, I will talk to my husband about it. This whole thing has made me feel so middle aged! - remembering passions of 16 years ago - when I was a young thing like some of you

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  • 9 years later...

I just had 4month affair with my xfiance from 30yrs ago. He sought me out on Facebook. I never stopped loving him so instantly I was taken in. I got so emotionally involved and demanding of his time he broke it off to concentrate on his family but wants to remain friends. We text several times a week and it's usually me who prompts it. I'm in terrible pain and cannot get over this. If I had a do over I would have tried harder not to let this happen but I was vulnerable in a 25yr now sexless marriage to an alcoholic. Save yourself the pain because I cry myself to sleep at night

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