Closure

[TAB1234]

I broke with my ex 4 months ago (see "Sam -confused" thread in getting back together forum yday) Thing is thats bugging me is the last contact i had with her was a really negative experience and it eats away at me thinking someone i cared abt is ignoring me/dislikes me and all i remember is the last time she was ranting and raving etc.... I want to draw a line under the r'ship but want to do it on my terms which is in a positive way ie. accepting it but being nice/polite ie. just leave note tomorrow to say something along the lines saying "This would've been our first new year. No matter what you think, will always be thinking of you" -and leave it at that so at least internally i feel i've ended it in a positive way rather than the negative way it has. Think the positive way will give me better closure. I know the above sounds silly and foolish but i don't feel i can move on until i've done that as we ended it on the phone and all i think abt is how aggressive she was and how i never said i cared abt her. i knw i'm going to get shot down for the above and it sounds like i want her back but i don't care as much as i used to and just want to start being positive/happy in 2008. Can anyone understand what i'm trying to say?

[sweetharmony]

I'm in exactly the same position as you and I was thinking about the same thing. If it is truly for closure and you don't expect a reply, but want to let her know you care and that any negativity and hurt words said was because of the breakup, then I think it's ok. If this will give you closure, then do it. But...it is 4 months later and seems a bit late and she might take it as you still not being over here. but that is neither here nor there.

 

I would leave out the part "this would have been our first new years together" it doesn't sound like closure or you moving on.

 

write what you feel, but do not expect a reply as that is asking for more pain. If you believe that there were some hurtful things you said or did in the relationship and want to make peace or make amends, then I think that's ok to express, but leave it light and let her know that you are sorry about the way things ended on such a negative note and that you wish no ill feelings, just want closure since the last conversation ened in such hostility and that you wish nothing but the best for her. maybe that would make you feel better about what transpired. but, be prepared that it might not give you closure.

 

I did this in my last break up nd it was cathartic for me. he did reply with the same intensity, we honored the relationship and I was able to move on. but that was two weeks after our breakup. reading his letter brought me to tears, so be prepared to start feeling again, when you've come so far after 4 months.

[TAB1234]

Thank you for your lovely reply "sweetharmony" -i stumbled upon this site a couple of days ago and it's made me realise there are some genuinely nice people out there which puts one faith back in humanity

 

I'll leave out the new years part and i'm not expecting a reply. To be honest i don't really want one. If she calls i dont want to run the risk of getting "blasted" (see "Sam -confused" thread in "getting back together" forum yday). i just want her to know that i did care (because i just kept quiet when we were arguing and never reassured her) and draw a line under it and start 2008 in a positive way

 

However when i read what i've written i don't feel like doing anything as don't think she deserves it but i don't want to think "i should've" in 2008!!!

[sweetharmony]

trust me...my ex broke up with me last week right before x-mas, i said some hateful things to him, like I wish we never dated, you wasted my time, etc...things I didn't mean, but I was upset. there was some neativity I rbought into the rel. that I want him to know wasn't ME, but I realize that it's over and I cannot turn back time, I just want to say something like,

 

I'm so sorry the way things ended, I wish I could take back all the hostile things I said to you (but I know I cannot). I want to move on with no harsh feelings and I realize that it had to end because of the negativity and that I wish you nothing but the best.

 

My previous ex and I had similar (but REALLY lengthy e-mail exchanges) but he was a different person and was clearly in pain too and I knew he would respond, because both of us were crying during the breakup. It was cathartic and made me feel better that I didn't end our last conversation with hurtful words. It made me feel like I was a better person than those mean words and that I anted him to know Id didn't actually hate him.

 

this ex, however, was cold and distant and sounded like he just wanted to rip the bandaid and doesn't want closure or anything, just out and has no desire to hear any of my apologies for my responsibility...so I'm heistant.

 

So do what's best for you, if that will give you closure. Just do it for the right reasons, like making peace with the past so you can move forward without her. it sounds as though that is your intention. good luck.

[itsallgrand]

I read your other thread.

 

You dumped her, and you want to do this for closure for yourself?

 

I don't get it, honestly. So, she was mad. So what? That was her reaction, and how she chose to deal with getting sacked.

 

Write the note here, but why send it to her. It's for yourself, not her, so what in the hell?

 

Don't you think she deserves to be let alone in peace to heal in her own good time? It's not about you - I just don't get the idea behind this.

 

You could be bringing pain to her for your own 'closure', and digging up something ...

 

I know I sound like a bit of a meanie here, but if she wanted things differently by this point - she would have contacted you to do it.

 

I think you should let her alone.

[TAB1234]

I dumped her but told her it was a hissy fit reaction to being ignored and just said it out of anger. She started ranting and raving and told me not to contact her again. when i tried a couple of days later to talk to her she wouldnt listen and was still ranting and raving. I've wanted to talk things through but she just had so much anger.

 

Never had a chance to say my piece

[itsallgrand]

That's fine. But doesn't she have the right to be left alone if that is her choice?

 

Maybe not good for you, but isn't it good to respect another person's wishes and feelings (even when they are ridiculous, outrageous, irrational)?

 

Can't force things. She is what she is.

[sweetharmony]

sorry, didn't realize you dumped her. in this case, then I would let it be. she's the one who was hurt and if she wants closure, she will contact you for it. I undesrtand that it's not always the fault of the dumper, but it's been four months and it's a bit too long to wait for closure. sometimes we never have closure. I'm sorry, but she does have a right to be angry (it happens when we are broken up with!). I'm sure she worked through her anger...and any additional contact may upset her now and memories may resurface when she is trying or has healed.

[TAB1234]

I understand that but she thinks i didnt care when i did. It's been 4 months and i think abt it every day. She thinks that i'm ambivalent about it all.

[TAB1234]

maybe i still care for her but can't deal with it

[roxy79]

I'm willing to bet her anger was HER way of getting closure and keeping herself from feeling worse off than she already did by being dumped. From personal experience, I dumped a guy and said some really nasty things and told him to lose my number. I ended it that way because that is how I made myself feel better. I had the last word AND I was strong and held my own in the situation.

 

There truly is no reason to get closure for yourself. You did by ending the relationship. 4 months is really soon. If she hasn't contacted you, then I'd chalk it up as a learning experience, and let it go. Sometimes things don't always end in the "perfect" way they plan. And it's in our heart to "set things right" but that isn't always the best choice.

 

If you contact her, to get "final closure" for youself, and she acts the same way, then what are you going to do? Instead, just clear your head and write everything you need to say HERE. At the end of the day, you'll feel better and you won't risk the chance of having the same reaction from her.

[TAB1234]

writing everything here has made it a lot clearer. when i write it here i do think that what i'm thinking is a silly thing to do so guess it helps.

 

Guess i'll stick to the saying "if you love something let it go, if its urs then it'll come back, if not then it was never to be" -well something like that!!

[sweetharmony]

are you waiting for her to come back? I'm not sure what you're looking for with her? a friendship or just peace with ending things with her? by the sound of your first note, you wrote, "this would have been our first new years, still thinking of you" sounds like you harbor feelings for her and then writing the saying, If you love something, let it go...what are you relly wishing to accomplish here. do you want to reconcile or just move on?

[TAB1234]

Am so confused. Not sure whether i want to reconcile or move on. Can't believe its 4 months down the line and i'm still confused

[TAB1234]

I'm not sure what i want ie. her back or not, she could be seeing someone else for all i know as there's been no contact for 4 months (apart from the odd meaningless email (one a month) on my side and a message on facebook where i was subsequently blocked. This was last week and really agitated me. I want to end the year on a positive note and not dwell on the negatives thereforeeee as its new years eve, can i quickly send her a nice note (without expecting a response) and then draw a line under it and say that was my closure in 2007. I know she can throw the note back in my face but i don't want to feel any animosity, just want to start 2008 in a positive light.

[roxy79]

Ultimately, you are going to need to do what YOU feel is best. People can give you direction and advise you what to do and not to do on here, but in the end, you are still your own person. If sending that note is going to make you feel that much better, then do it! But also be aware that it may not make you feel any better. But if you truly believe this is what YOU need to do to move on etc, then do it. You are your own person and need to look out for you.

[TAB1234]

Happy New Year Everyone!!

 

Just thought i'd let you know that i didnt send the note in the end (Even though i went to her twice, i couldnt bring myself to post!!). Everyone's right, it's pointless if i'm only doing it for myself. I'd just end up antagonising her. It's just that i have no idea what to do abt these feelings i have. There are other girls who are interested in me but i don't feel as if i can move on because i'm still concerned/have feelings for my ex

[TAB1234]

It's been 4 months stoplight so wouldnt that just antagonise her?

[sweetharmony]

re: "It's been 4 months stoplight so wouldnt that just antagonise her?"

 

yes, I'd say so...if you are confused, then don't send it yet. do you want to try with her again? maybe because she is "unavailable" do you really want her back...seriously evaluate the relationship and why you two broke up in the first place. it doesn't sounds as if you want closure, but you want communication with her. you seem to want to know id she has a boyfriend, etc...do you think the relationship is worth a second chance? if not, then move on. it takes some time to find someone new and sometimes dating others who don't compare bring back feelings towards the ex...even though they weren't right for us. it sounds as though she doesn't want any friendship or any peace as you already tried that. if you want reconciliation, then really think about that first and don't start communication, unless you are sure you want to "open" that avenue. but after 4 months and hostility, is it worth it or just to move on and find a new relationship, learn from your mistakes and start anew with no resentment?

[TAB1234]

It's just weird that one minute we're making marriage plans and literally the next minute we were finished -just like that -v.sudden!!! Guess it was stubborness on my part when she got angry, should've re-assured her but i didnt. Went to her house the day after the argument but didnt go in as m8 kept on telling me only go in if you want her and i was sooo confused. regret not talking to her. It was so sudden. Thats the hard part. Wasnt a long drawn out thing. Literally one minute we were going to get engaged and the next day after one argument we were over. Should've done more after the argument but i didnt and that was my downfall. Never expressed to her how much i cared. Guess i was upset at her ranting and raving. Need to accept it i guess and move on.