How do I get over this?

[Dannysgirl]

How do you get past something that has haunted you for years? Its been the best year ever for my husband and me we have really worked on our communication and our relationship is better than its ever been.

 

Because of this, I recently worked up the courage to tell him something that my brother used to do that continues to haunt me on a daily basis. Now my husband is fully aware of the fact that my brother was physically and emotionally abusive to me when we were growing up but he didn't know this.

 

I started masturbating at a pretty young age and one time my brother caught me he pointed at me told me I was dirty and disgusting and then proceeded to tell everybody he knew (including my parents and friends) whilst doing these impersonations of me. From them on he would sneak into my room and try to 'catch' me in the act on a nightly basis in order to be able to humiliate me the next day. Sometimes he was successful and sometimes not, if he wasn't he would hit me accross my head instead.

I just cannot understand WHY he wanted to do that to me? I get these awful flashbacks on the daily basis where he's impersonating me to my mother and the intense feeling of shame comes over me and it makes me want to throw up. I cringe all the time involuntarily.

 

It was such a relief to finally tell my husband this thing I've been so embarrassed about and we talked about it again last night and he was very understanding and told me I was doing nothing wrong and it was perfectly natural and I KNOW it was but I can't seem to get it out of my head.

 

Just to give you some background on me I was an extremely sickly child and was 10 weeks premature weighing 2 pounds at birth. I required a LOT of attention and care. Until I came along my brother was the one who received all the attention and I know it must have been a shock to his system when I came along but I've never been able to understand this seeming all consuming hatred he had for me. I never did anything to hurt my brother and I just can't understand why he seemed to have such a desire to make my life miserable. He took such PLEASURE in it. I absolutely dreaded the times when my parents would leave me in his care. Because I knew that as well as the physical stuff (for example he would tell me it was 'dead leg time and punch me repeatedly in my hip - the one that I had a childhood painful disease in until I couldn't take anymore) there would be the mental stuff like being forced to call him 'master' and being told what an ugly pathetic loser I was and that nobody would ever love me.

 

I just can't get my head around the reason for all this. I think that's my main problem. I am now 29 years old, I'm 4'9 as the result of a growth hormone deficiency and weigh 85 pounds. WHY would my brother want to do that to me? why would it be necessary to hurt me/humiliate me on every level possible? My husband tells me I should not try understand why because there is no excuse for it and he's an evil person and that's it.

 

 

What do you all think and how can I let go of this?

 

Thanks for listening.

[spinstermanquee]

Without more information, it's hard to say exactly but you are definitely ready to get past the painful memories, just by virtue of wanting to. I had several brothers and one of them once beat me up to keep me from leaving the house to go see my friends because my mother had grounded me. He appointed himself the "person in charge" while she was gone since he was oldest, and I was the "wild, defiant" one. The same brother later spied on me while I was masturbating and - get this - didn't guilt me about it, asked to have sex with me (ewww beyond words, that). I still don't get why he needed to do the beating - maybe to feel more powerful, superior, in charge of something?

 

Anyhow in my case I just decided that he was young and stupid and power hungry (and horny), and didn't know any better, and I forgave him. I also even felt a little sorry for him - he's always been not-very-attractive, socially incompetent, and a real female turnoff. I did not even have a conversation with him about it, I just decided not to give it any more energy. It took time to stop thinking about it, though, and it doesn't mean that you forget completely.

 

It sounds like you need to understand why he did it in order to forgive him, would that be correct?

 

Anyhow hope something in here can work for you. I'll follow the thread and if I can contribute anything else, I will. I'm sure someone here in the community will have some great suggestions.

 

Cheers!

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi Dannysgirl,

 

Also, consider the fact that your brother was a childish child.

 

Kids can be the cruelest of all sometimes, and I don't think there is a simple answer.

 

It could be a deep seated resentment of you for coming along.

 

Now, it sounds as though you realize it is all on him, and you're not blaming yourself or anything, so that's good.

 

Um, I would suggest maybe a therapist.

 

The problem with bad feelings after orgasm makes me think a therapist would help.

 

Sorry to hear this, I know traumatic situations like this can leave deep wounds and I hope you will be able to move beyond this and be free of it.

 

edit: Also, I wonder what he says now, if you ever communicate at all with your brother.

 

Note: also, there is a pill being tested, (I saw it last year) that takes bad memories and puts them in the back of your mind where they belong. The woman had been raped by her step-father when she were 12, and it haunted her daily like up into her late 30s...

 

She said it gave her her life back. I can't remember the name of the pill, but maybe some searching on the net.

 

Jeff

[Dannysgirl]

The problem is, I never will know. I moved to the states to be with my husband who's American and haven't seen him for about five years. My brother's life is a complete mess he has about 20k is debt, has no house, has no drivers license (suspended for DUI) although he still drives illegally and he can't seem to to hold down a relationship with anyone. His relationship with our mother was also rocky and they are currently not speaking.

 

My brother recently contacted me on facebook in an attempt to get me to bail him out. Basically he wanted me to let him come stay with me so he could 'get back on his feet' which translates to mooching off me until he gets bored and then getting somebody else to bail him out.

He did that same exact thing to my dad who put a roof over his head, bought him a car and got him a good job but my brother missed his degenerate friends up in Wales (because people down in london don't speak his spaz language) and my father then had to shell out again to send him back there. They are also no longer on speaking terms and haven't been for about 6 years.

 

When my brother contacted me I was absolutely flabbergasted at his audacity considering our past and his treatment of me.

I told him exactly what I thought of him and told him he could go jump off a bridge for all I care. I then blocked him before he could respond as I didn't want to stress myself out by getting into any dialogue with him. Besides this, I just don't want this guy in my life. I think I didn't ask him why he did that to me when I had the chance was because I was worried he would tell me I was dirty again.

 

I know that just by having a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally and the fact that I have a great job, a car and a house in my name and NO debt means that I have paid him back ten times over for what he did to me and believe me, I rubbed his nose in it good in my response to him.

However it still haunts me and maybe subconsciously I think I WAS dirty and disgusting? I don't know WHY it bothers me so much and I have tried many methods to get rid of it. I have written endless letters to him that I have not sent in an effort to purge these feelings. I have also tried meditation and trying to live only in the present and not worry about the past or the future but it still won't go away.

Although I must say I do feel that telling my husband and posting here has helped somewhat.

 

Thanks for your take on it. I feel bad for you because what he did seems much worse. Thankfully any potential for sexual abuse what not there with my brother and I thank my lucky stars for that at least.

[spinstermanquee]

Well since he is on a different continent - and thanks to your excellent instincts will not be joining you on yours anytime soon - and seems to have burned all his family bridges, then I would say that letting it out to your husband, then in this community, and perhaps even seeing a therapist might possibly make it all work for you. Everyone is different, so follow your instincts on what you think would be most helpful. You will know if you've done enough by how you feel daily, weekly, monthly, and your dreams can also tell you where you are at in the healing process. You don't necessarily HAVE to go through anything more with your brother to put this all behind you...

 

Lastly, puhleeze. Onanism is perfectly natural. Heard a good and funny quote once:

 

"There are only two kinds of people in the world: masturbators, and liars."