How are you doing these days???? Whats your story??

[girl friend]

Hi Vasilias

 

Thanks for sharing your story, that must have been hard to say.

 

You say you were 'clean' for 7 years, how did you stop then? That is incredible, that you beat the battle with self-injury once you know. A very difficult thing to do.

 

Its only natural to regress back to it in times of stress and pain, indeed i don't believe the urge to do it ever fully leaves us.

Don't worry about the slip-ups though, don't beat yourself up over them so to speak. Thats not important. What is important now is how you pick yourself up and move on from them. Try day counting perhaps - counting how long youve gone without doing it, and setting yourself further and further targets.

 

I'm sorry your relationship failed. You're young though, theres plenty of time. maybe it wasn't meant to be, maybe it happened for a reason, maybe one day you'll know. The important thing, is to take care of yourself now. when you are fully comfortable in yourself and have got the reins on the self-harm again, things will look up. Good luck. We're all here for you.

 

girl friend

[vasilias]

Hiya Girl-Friend

 

thanks for replying. Its the first time i think i have ever really spoken about it in any detail.

 

Stopping it before... somehow as i became 'balanced' the pain inside of me just wasnt there... i didnt have anything that made me feel so bad. There were a couple of times something really not good would happen and my first reaction was... where are the blades... but there was so much good in my life by then the pain still wasnt as bad. The desire was there but ive resisted beacuse i could look at the scares and think of my partner and id be okay. Its loosing that 'good' which has let me feel so low now. Never apreciated how good for me my ex was until they left me... partly beacuse i was an emotional retard. Keeping my emotions so guarded made them feel they were not important to me. They'd often say "im here for you if you need me" and in my head id be saying "i dont need anyone, i musten rely on anyway." Which to an extent was true, but it was beacuse they were there in other ways to support me. But i never made them feel that and the emotional rejection i gave them pushed them away.

 

I nearly topped myself a few weeks before xmas. Not beacuse i couldnt go on but i simply didnt want to without them. Stood there with the Paramol and a glass of water and the reason i changed my mind is i didnt want anyone, especialy my ex, thinking it was some attention seeking exercise and just miissing the point... i just didnt want to be here. That stopped me doing that (i guess thankfully) but thats when the cutting started beacuse i had to get the pain out somewhere.

 

I guess ive beaten it before and will do again - its deffinatly connected to my depression rather than any other reasons. Although i guess my story does suggest that at least for anyone else in the same situation as me and its related directly to depression, if you can sort that out, other things will follow and there is 'hope' - if my ex and i hadnt broken up then i guess i would never even have found this website.

[vasilias]

Oh and i think also - if you've never done it, then you dont understand it. Ive had alot of time for depressives and self harmers over the years beacuse even though as this 'balanced person' i couldnt 'feel' the pain anymore i understood it. My ex at one point had bad depression - which anyoys me now coz he said when we broke up i'd never really been there for him which is cobblers as he put me through hell when he was depressed and had i not myself been there and understood it, i might have left him.

[girl friend]

Hey vasilias

 

Hey no problem - thanks for telling me this stuff!

 

Its understandable how you would feel in this way after not letting yourself do suicide - well done for 'stepping back from the edge'' btw! You mentioned the cutting letting the pain out. Sometimes when battling with self-injury it can be helpful for us to step back and almost 're-live' (regression) the pain that is bubbling there below the surface - (once that is dealt with there is no reason to cut). It sounds like you identify a lot of your feelings with your ex, but this cutting may be the type that simply returns in times of stress. It doesn't mean you didn't properly deal with the cutting in the first place, but it could.

 

I actually disagree with your last post, about a non-self injurer/cutter being unable to understand it. I think empathy and understanding are possible for the non-self-injurer. When i do talks on the subject, the one most important thing i want them to take away is that everyone has felt the feelings that often precede self-injury. And if all the audience can relate to how the cutters stories i use were feeling at the time, it helps to remove stigma. Sure, not everyone in the audience is a cutter/has been. Just like not every counsellor has experienced everything they work through with a client. It doesn't mean they don't understand/can't help. Its like saying, if you're not gay you can't offer relationship advice to threads in the lgbt section, or if you're not divorced, stay away from that section, or if you're never been suicidal, don't try to help people who are. Ultimately we're all cursed/blessed with being human. Thats enough surely. Sorry, i don't mean to sound so defensive about it. I've thought more about the question ''should a recovered self-injurer be able to work with self-injurers professionally'' more than you could ever imagine.

 

 

You'll beat it. I'm glad you found our community - its a great place. !

 

girl friend

[vasilias]

The 'stigma' i seemed to come up against always seems to be that it is purley an attention seeking exercise, a cry for help? Im sure for some it is, but the negativity i have heard is all about other peoples assumption it is either to attract attention or to punish others by making them see you do bad stuff to yourself. I can only speak from my own experiences but I didnt want the attention and it wasnt to punish someone else. Same with Suicide... i hear so many people talk about it as 'attention seeking' if they fail in the attempt or it being the ultimate form of 'vengence.' Very few i have met seem to try and understand. I mean i sat there at Xmas thinking how there are people out there who have lost through illness, accident or war a loved one and would do anything for them to be there and yet i was here and wishing i wasnt. People take that attitude as selfish and perhaps it is, but they dont seem to want to understand how a life they think so important could mean so little to someone else. Rather than understand they just want to brush it off as some selfish attitude against them personally.

[girl friend]

Hi again

 

Everyone has different reasons though surely. Even the cases which you think may be deliberately attention seeking, something must be triggering those people to be drawn to cut ''for attention''. Is there a broken home? Are the parents not interested in them? They still hack away at their own bodies for emotional reasons, its still self-injury. No-one can say that one person's reasons for cutting are better than anothers. Even if the reason is divorce for instance, or berevement, or something that at least 50% of people experience, that doesn't matter.. It is how it effects each person, what coping mechanisms that person has developed in their own unique life, what else they have experienced. You can never truly understand what it must be like to be someone else. thereforeeee it is narrow minded to make statements like 'cutting is attention seeking.'' But depression is an illness where the mind kills the body, like illnesses like cancer the body kills the mind. Depression is a very real illness, and if you are feeling like this you must seek treatment. Its not you.

 

But you are right, so few people do not understand. Thats what we need to change. Society is getting there, slowly. there is a bit more tolerance and empathy these days. I'm a particular fan of SI Awareness day. We've still got a long way to go though.

 

Suicide as selfish, now theres a hard one to argue. It is hard for many people to understand unless they have experienced that kind of depression themselves, hard but not impossible i hasten to add. To be in a situation where you want to die, and the people left behind don't get a second thought. I think the attitude that its selfish comes from those left behind, when grief turns to anger it can do strange things.

[insecure246]

I haven't cut since June. =)

 

I'm so proud of myself.

[girl friend]

Thats incredible! Go you!

 

How did you do it? The way you stopped might help other people.

[insecure246]

I found that holding a piece of ice in my hand instead of cutting works. After a minute it REALLY hurts. You get the same sensation but it isnt damaging to yourself. It's something my shrink taught me. I also ended up being hospitalized for having a nervous breakdown and found out i have bipolar disorder. getting on the right meds really worked wonders.

[girl friend]

I found that holding a piece of ice in my hand instead of cutting works. After a minute it REALLY hurts. You get the same sensation but it isnt damaging to yourself. It's something my shrink taught me. I also ended up being hospitalized for having a nervous breakdown and found out i have bipolar disorder. getting on the right meds really worked wonders.

 

Wow, i'd heard of the ice technique be4 but it is still self-injury. Just a less dangerous form. It is still using pain for emotionally beneficialy reasons, and is still maladaptive coping, so i'm extremely surprised that any shrink would use that as anything more than a ''step in the right direction technique.' certainly not as a 'replacement' and i would not even expect a shrink to recommend it at all. How qualified is this person? UK or USA? What kinda doctor's degree does she/he have?

 

girl friend

[girl friend]

Oh kk thanks, i'll look into it more. If it works, it doesn't matter to me how, or which approach or philosophy it comes from.

[girl friend]

So dude, how ARE you doing these days Jeen?

[girl friend]

That doesn't sound too great hun. Whats been going on? If you're feeling suicidal you should really talk to your dr. about it. Whats been happening in life? We're here for you hun. Talk to us.

 

girl friend

[PinkRoses]

i started clawing myself at 13, when my dad beat me really hard, i eventually would only do it sometimes, i'm very happy with my life now, so i haven't clawed in a VERY long time.

[Donovan]

Well, this is my first time posting something into this website, i was told by one of my friends who is supporting me with my cutting that the people on here are really supportive and are really nice.

 

Well, my story goes like this, i grew up in South Africa and Hong kong (yeah i know strange right) well i moved there when i was real young. anyway after i hit my teens my mom decided that she could no longer stand to have me around and she sent me to a UK bording school, well it is one up near Darlington. That place was the worst place i have ever been in, i mean no offence to any british people on here, but the kids in that school were so hurtful and controlling.

 

here it may become a bit graphic:

 

 

After i reached about the age of 12 i began my self injury, one day i just picked up my knife (which was for my protection) and i turned it on myself, i began to carve into my skin the Japanese symbol for 'Death' (real dramatic i know). Anyway i had this bleeding arm for about a week, but the thing is the sight of the blood or the pain being on the outside rather than eating at my heart, it felt better. I felt that i could concentrate more and i could deal with things better.

 

of graphic part:

 

As the years went on i fell into Smoking, Drugs, Drinking....ect. But the only thing that kept me sane was the cutting. Well when i reached 16 my dad came and took me from the school as he could see what it was doing to me, he brought me back to Dubai (Bush visited here a few weeks ago), and he got me into a college to study Engineering, well before long i began to feel all insecure because there was always shouting, fights, arguments at home...There still is.

But this brought back that same 'escape' that i used back in my old school, well i continued with my cutting and i still am, whenever i begin to hear the crying in my house the shouting i revert back to what i find i can only do to cope with the emotional stress that i get from the family.

About a month ago i found some people who had the same problems as me, i began talking to them and they have helped me, they have reduced the amount of cutting i do, as well as they have helped in reduce some of the other factors that have been affecting me through my life.

I have huge anxiety problems, every little thing with me turns into a major worry. But, anyway that is my story on cutting, wow what a first message, i guess i like to get everything out in the open and find out what people think of me. I guess i have my girlfriend to thank for that, because before i used to just turn inward and not talk to anyone. But now i find i can talk and tell anyone my problems. As well as help people through thiers, i find i am able to help others easier than i can help myself.

But yeah that is my story, well actually that is only the self injury...

But i will leave the other stories till later.

~Don

[girl friend]

Hey there, and welcome to enotalone!

 

Yeah wow,what a first post! Thanks for sharing all that with us, that was very brave.

 

Self-injury is a coping mechanism ultimately:

 

 

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Quote from Marlee Strong’s book; ‘A Bright Red Scream.’

 

"Cutting is not attention seeking. It's not manipulative. It's a coping mechanism--a punitive, unpleasant, potentially dangerous one--but it works. It helps me cope with strong emotions that I don't know how to deal with. Don't tell me I'm sick, don't tell me to stop. Don't try to make me feel guilty, that's how I feel already. Listen to me, support me, help me.”

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

 

And it sounds to me like it served its purpose for you. It did help you. But now you want to cut down/stop right? Probably one of the worst parts of cutting is that it is addictive. Even if you stop, during times of stress, it comes right back. This makes it very hard to stop. So its incredible that you've already managed to cut down - Well done there!!!

 

Do your parents know about the cutting?

 

Is there another way you can think of to get rid of that emotional stress? Talking to someone perhaps? channeling it into a diary? excercise? Getting out of the house when that starts up? Perhaps you could talk to the college counsellor? Its a dam hard thing to go through alone, all the support you can get is great! Or stick around on here and talk to us 'really nice' people! Woot! (Thats a well cute description, tell your friend thanks!)

 

Also remember you cant stop instantly. It is going to be gradual and probably quite a long process.

 

How did your friends help you to cut down? What worked?

 

Its nice to met you Don.

girl friend

[Donovan]

Sorry girl friend,

i have been taking care of a few things these days, but to answer your questions..well my parents found out the other day, my mom saw the scars on my arms and even my 8yr old brother saw it and asked me why i had them. I immediately turned my arm around so as to not let him see them.

Well as for the emotional stress i have found that talking to one of my colsest friends who understands me so well, she really has helped me through everything. I have had times where i just say to my dad that i am going for a drive, and this can be at like 11 o'clock at night, but i will still go. The thing that helped me most was my friend, i know this may sound dodgy (as in like we are going out), but i she has been a friend for a year and so she just walks up and hugs me, i can hear her cry because she felt she should have known.

Well she now always asks me every time she sees me and every day 'How are you feeling?'. It helps me get through the worst of times, and when things happen she will just put an arm around me and just say 'It's alright, i am here'. I found it was really important to have somebody there for you always.

 

well nice meeting you too girl friend

~Don

[insecure246]

Wow, i'd heard of the ice technique be4 but it is still self-injury. Just a less dangerous form. It is still using pain for emotionally beneficialy reasons, and is still maladaptive coping, so i'm extremely surprised that any shrink would use that as anything more than a ''step in the right direction technique.' certainly not as a 'replacement' and i would not even expect a shrink to recommend it at all. How qualified is this person? UK or USA? What kinda doctor's degree does she/he have?

 

girl friend

 

Well, I don't do it anymore. I guess I didn't explain it very well. But she told me about it just as a step in the right direction. So that instead of cutting, I could do that. Yes, it was still giving me that sensation of pain and it was still not a healthy coping mechanism, but it wasn't as dangerous. She just said that if I had that urge and I had to do it then I should try that instead of cutting on myself. In the meantime I worked with her on things and after a while the need to feel that external pain went away and I stopped.

[girl friend]

Well, I don't do it anymore. I guess I didn't explain it very well. But she told me about it just as a step in the right direction. So that instead of cutting, I could do that. Yes, it was still giving me that sensation of pain and it was still not a healthy coping mechanism, but it wasn't as dangerous. She just said that if I had that urge and I had to do it then I should try that instead of cutting on myself. In the meantime I worked with her on things and after a while the need to feel that external pain went away and I stopped.

 

Well done! Thats very brave. I'm glad you managed to work through it so well. After winning such a battle, you must be a really strong person. I bet you can cope with anything now.

 

girl friend

[girl friend]

Hey buddy!

 

Did your mum and brother understand what it was though?? Moveover, did they understand 'why'?

 

Your friend sounds amazing, hold onto her, she sounds like a true friend.

 

How is it going these days? You doing less still?

Don't expect to be able to stop completely, instantly. Its a habit now and these things take time. But once you've worked through the reasons why, and then learn new ways of dealing with pain, you will be ok.

 

girl friend xx

[Donovan]

I keep taking long to answer because my dad is threatining to take my internet, which is why the late post.

because my littlest brother saw the scars he asked my dad about it, my dad then proceeded to shout at me and no support, only the words 'How could you do it in my ****ing House!!?'.

So he then said to me that i was a waste of time and that i didnt deserve to live, and that i was throwing my life away on some girl on the internet (who i love btw), and now he is threatning to take it if my grades slip, the only thing is that if he does take it, he will have to deal with that i will do if he takes the only contact i have with the people i love and care about.

I cannot cut anymore without him noticing, so i have been kinda having withdrawal from it, because i cannot relieve the emotional stress anymore.

On top of all of this i had a car accident, lucklily nobody was seriously injured, but my dad then blamed me for it, saying that i am just a **** up and that i just mess up everything.

I hate him, the sooner i leave this hell hole the better, cause i am at teh point that i cannot take it anymore, i cannot take the argueing the fighting and the hatred that my dad shows me and this so-called family that i live with.

My true family is on the internet, because they are the only ones who care about me and show that they do, this family only cares about studies, nothing else, no love, care no nothing.

I have turned inward in my feelings in the house i do not show any emotion anymore i become hollow when i am in the house. when i am out i only show them, or when i am online, because i do not get to show the emotions in the house, because it would be a waste, it would fall on deaf ears.

 

~Don

[frail]

I am fairly new at the whole self-injury thing. I cut myself when i was 16. Then again a few months ago, then again a few days ago. It's a case of me being so extremely depressed, and there just so happened to be something sharp laying next to me, i just grab it, and cut.

 

I don't think i could say it feels good. I'ma bit of a sissy when it comes to pain. It's more of a punishment thing i think. Since i've always did that to myself when i felt i did something wrong. I'd be so angry at myself for not being who i'd rather be. I feel like i'm not good enough for anything, that i'm stupid, ugly, whatever, and so damn it i need to be punished. I used to ties shirts around my neck as a child, an try to choke myself until i nearly pass out. It's so sad, all the years of hating myself for being me.

 

Is my case unusual, my reason for cutting??

[girl friend]

Hey Don

 

Wow, i'm sorry you have to go through all this. Just hang in there buddy ok, you know all of that stuff your dad said is not true.

 

About the emotional stress, the coming down is always hard. Try writing down those feelings, a good rant can help get it out. Sure it doesn't feel as good as the instant release cutting gives, but its healthy and it does let it all out. Enotalone has a journal section where you can open your own journal if you like - saves the worry of ppl around you finding what you write!

 

You'll have to just hang in there buddy ok. And let us know how it goes. And build up lessons for life. You know from their mistakes how not to be when you're a parent one day ok. But also try to remember that there may be good reasons behind their behaviour. They may think they are doing whats best for you and for your future, and trying to protect you, even if they sound like they can be very cruel to you also.

 

Just hang in there bro.

Let us know how its going next time you get online yeh?

 

girl friend

[girl friend]

Hi there!

 

No i don't think it is unusual to cut for reasons of punishment or self-hate.

 

Why do you hate yourself though? Do you perhaps push yourself too far, too hard?? Intense self-discipline? Feeling you've failed self-set goals?

 

Self-injury has a correlation with high intelligence you know, and it sounds as though you are one of those.

 

You are right, it is sad all those years of hating yourself. So what are you going to do about it? You see what i have learned is that it is not the slip-ups, the self-injury bouts or the self-hate that is important in defining who we are. It is how you pick yourself up and move on from this.

 

What do you say?

Good luck!

 

girl friend

[Donovan]

Well girl friend,

Things seem to have calmed down a little bit in the house, but i am not speaking with my dad, i wont. And i wish i could wite a journal or something, but my dad dosent let me have privacy, he checks everthing. I know the journal is online, but i know he will prolly be checking the websites that i go to soon. Since i came here i have not been able to have an ounce of privacy, he seems to want to rule and control my life.

I guess he is acting like this, because the cutting is something that he cannot control, he has realised of late that he is losing more and more control over me, he cannot stand that, because he has to be in everything; and now i dont talk, i dont express anything towards the people i live with. Only towards the people who i care for online do i express my feelings or thoughts.

~Don