Sorry so long, but had to explain...

[adamski]

I need advice or at least another opinion if I,m going nut's or not. The problem is my recently strained relationship with my wife. Not a normal case of jealousey. The problem began about three weeks ago. We travelled to New York to see a broadway show and have a romantic weekend for our tenth anniversary, belated about a month. The first evening was nice but not fantastic, not exactly as romantic as I had hoped. The second day we attended the show, and it was all down hill from there. I realized as we watched the show, my wife was more interested in the lead actor than talking to me. At intermission she disappeared to talk to a friend also attending the show, no comment to me at all. By the end of the show, I was alone. Oh the wife was their, but it was as if I wasn't as she left the theatre, she wasn't talking to me or even acknowledging my prescence. No "thank you" or "it was greate". Absolutely nothing.Throughout the rest of the day I was ignored, any offer of affection was brushed off or shunned. By the evening when we got back to the hotel I laid in bed anticipating some intamacy. She sat and watched the baseball game with a hat on that she bought at the show. I finnalley exploded, I got dressed and exclaimed I was going to find another to spend a romantic evening with. I walked out and got a pack of ciggarettes, soon returning to argue things out. A one sided argument it turned out, she esentially said nothing, just sat there and cried. I went on and on about how I felt ignored, alone. Nothing realley resolved. Didn't talk much for two days.

I began to get curious about this obsession with this actor. She was very active on the computer, message boards, groups, etc. She did alot of writing, fiction. I never really paid to much attention. I started looking over the things she was doing. I found files and files and files of pictures, interviews, appearances of this guy. Web sites upon web sites following his every move. I joined a group that she belonged to so I could read the message boards. I found out she's been fantasising about this guy, obbsessing about physical attributes, imagining long romantic evenings with him. It broke my heart. I also found the scheme to "get to N.Y. and see him in person". She explained how she could manipulate me into thinking it would be an anniversary event, and I would go along with it. Then the messages after we returned never mentioned the argument, all she talked about was" how handsome he was", how "she quivered at the sight of him". I was tottally crushed. I confronted her with it. "It's all a joke". "I don't mean any of that". Never apologised, never acknowledged what it did to me. She un -joined the group announcing "I'm being forced to leave". Things got a little better after that. We talked about things a little, and I was beginning to feel a little more secure. Just for the hell of it I would occasionally check on her computer activitey, I found her still spending day's following this guy around. She is still down loading pictures and videos. I find myself wondering who she is with? Me or him? I really don't know anymore. This evening she sat and played with hi picture in photoshop. I finally couldn't stand it anymore and asked her" if she was dreaming again". She slammed the computer off, and stompped away, slamming doors. She returned to tell me she was erasing everything from the computer.

In one way it feels good, in another I feel guilty and I'm afraid she is going to hate me for this. I just do not feel I can trust her, I feel that our relationship has been violated. Am I nut's? Is it natural what I feel? I love my wife very much. I don't want to lose her through my insecuritys. I don't want a fantasy to be between us either. I'm open to suggestions.

[Down-In-A-Hole]

Dude, you're not being insecure. Your wife's activities are disturbing and should be a matter of concern not only for your relationship, but for her general psychological well-being. Her actions, the way you described them, seem to indicate that she is a border line obsessive stalker.

[adamski]

I thought of something like that, but didn't want to admit the possibility of a serious psychologigical problem. I've been beating myself up, believing it was some deficiencey on my part. In all my searching; I found nothing even remotely suggesting that she has tried to contact this guy. So it appears to be all fantasy at this stage. I've allready suggested counsiling, never got a reply. Everything I have suggested to her so far is responded by a stoic stare. I feel the arguments are all with myself! I can't think of any other way to express my love, hurt, and disstress than talking about them with her. It's all one sided though. Hey, thats why I'm in here. Really lost as to where to talk it out. Sometimes just getting it out there, and getting some kind of response helps.

[bdub]

Perhaps you could go see a couselor yourself. If she is not willing to go see one, then at least you will have somebody to listen to you and care about how much this hurts you. Counselors usually have pretty good ideas about how to approach difficult conversations. At least you might get a start at trying to work on your marriage. In time, maybe she will be open to going with you.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[Mar]

I would say you're definitely not imagining things, as far as the seriousness of this goes. She admitted she conned you into going to this show to see this guy! Maybe not to you, but you read it yourself. She definitely is obsessed, no one has THAT much material on someone and spends such a large amount of time and energy thinking about someone they've never even met, and gets so angry/defensive when confronted with it.

 

As far as the two of you go, you've tried talking to her. You've told her what bothers you, and she's made no reply. Maybe you should give her the ultimatum, just to get past that stoic stare. Ask her how she feels about a divorce, since the relationship is completely one-sided and you two obviously have different interests, i.e. you want to have a healthy, loving, communicative relationship with her, and she wants a dream world with some actor she's never met and apparenty has lost interest in you. It's a hard question to have to ask, but you're not even in "roommate" status, from the sound of it, more like armies that have called an uneasy truce.

 

I'm always suspicious of relationships where one side suggests counselling and the other has no interest, although the problems stated seem quite obvious and the willingness to get help should be there. That indicates to me that the one refusing the help sees nothing wrong with the relationship, or else nothing wrong on THEIR part, at any rate. A refusal to acknowledge that problems surface from a difference on a matter between TWO people is a sign of either insecurity at facing one's own shortcomings, or just insecurity at the thought of possibly breaking up what's "comfortable", if nothing else.

 

I would definitely talk to your wife once more. No distractions, no TV, no computer, just you and her. Ask her what she'd like to see different about the relationship, and tell her what you'd like to see done differently. If she gives no answer, then I'd pop the divorce question. After all, this involves your feelings just as much, and obviously the love that was there, is starting to sputter, and no one should have to endure a loveless relationship. Best of luck to you, I sincerely hope she opens her eyes before it's too late.

 

 

Mar

[adamski]

Well it's been a good while since I posted my predicament. I figured I would post an update, and see what kind of response; if any, I could get.

Things have gone from weird, to good, to really weird, to terrible. Mixed bag, huh?

First; it came down to actually bringing up the disscusion of a seperation, maybe a divorce. That was the only way to get her to agree to counseling. She has gone to therapy twice so far, still hasn't invited me in. I'm there for every session, anticipating my oppurtunity to join a session. But not yet. "Let's take care of my problems first" she told me. Ok, I'm patient. During the interum, I'm working, she's at home on the computer, still continuing as if nothing is happening. Following this guy around the internet. I come home and she pretends she was playing games, or reading other message boards. Keeping up on other news. I'm wondering; what 's going on here? I'm noticing more and more, the fact I'm always saying "I love you". Initiating hugs, kisses or any intimacy for that matter. Sleeping together; opposite sides of the bed. I was getting alittle romantic again, actually courting her again; opening doors, holding hands and walking arm in arm. She was gradually growing colder, and I was growing more and more insecure. [see I said weird]

I finally confronted her about the whole cold thing. This lead to another blow up; and now again we're not talking. Five minutes of an argument leads to days of nonverbal avoidance. I just can't stand it much more. I've fallen into apathy. She E-mailed me her heart felt thoughts the other day. I replied. I received a reply that catogorically states why, since we married, we have been drifting apart. Now I'm confused, for ten years, she has been falling out of love with me? Since we married? What the f---?

And here is the bit about this actor; it really is nothing, just interested because he's a rising star. Really catches her eye. Would I feel so threatened if she was a devoted football fan? Following a team every weekend? Uhh; football is a team thing, we're not focusing or obsessing about one guy shaking his butt, or flexing his manly build. She also threw the annalagy of my collection of Beatles music; again; we're talking about music. I don't see the comparison of music to a fascination of one guy. I know, it all seemsso ridiculous right? I'm not sure where this is all going, but like I said; I'm to the point where I just gave in, I apologised for everything she claims I've done, Even whent through, re-read her posts in some groups. I could kind of see the intent in them. Anyway; I definitly read them differently than before. I told her about it. I apologized for possibly misinterpreting them before, and accusing her of things. [Just really worn out of the fight.] Any suggestions of where this mess is going? Should I stick it out with the counseling? Is it worth it? I do still love her, but I'm not sure where this future is going.