Marriage, his/my kids and holidays

[TamE]

My husband and I have been married for seven months now and from all accounts we soul-mates. We hate being away from each other and when we're together it's wonderful.

 

I have three kids from a previous marriage (11, 10 and 7). He has three kids from his previous marriage (16, 12 & 9). His children live 800 miles away.

 

My problem lies within myself I believe, but I'm the sort of person to always take blame when there are problems. This is why I would like to hear from others on what they think of my situation.

 

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Last night I heard my husband tell his kids (while speaking to them via a phone conversation) that he would see them Thanksgiving since he would have four straight days off from work. This was the first I'd heard of this and I was somewhat taken aback. In trying to come up with a way to accommodate his wishes, I seem to run into snags. First off, we have a van which seats seven people. If our family were to go and visit his children (11 hours one way) and then leave from their residence to drive another three hours to his grandmother's home, a couple of kids will have to be buckled-up together (which is unsafe as well as uncomfortable). I don't see this scenario happening.

 

Secondly, since I have custody of my children for the Thanksgiving holiday, I will need to be with them here since we can't all fit in the van.

 

He misses his children and I understand him wanting to see them, but I am selfish in that I was truly thinking we'd spend Thanksgiving together as a family and attend dinner at my grandparents' home. They've only met him once and I want them to get to know him better and vice-versa.

 

Am I wrong for wanting him to spend the holidays with me? Am I wrong for feeling as though I am being put second in line? I love this man dearly and want him to be happy. If that means my heart will be breaking through the holidays without him then I imagine this is what I should do. I am only afraid this could become the "norm" and I don't want that. I want to believe him when he says he can't stand to be away from me and that he'd die if something ever happened to me. Am I being too dramatic?

 

Any advice or suggestions is appreciated. Thanks to all who read this for your time.

[russia]

even soulmates have secrets. but now that you've heard it, don't be upset. you know he is impulsive at heart, otherwise he would have thought it through weeks beforehand, sat you down and told you about it, get your approval, then make all the arrangements

 

there's only one thing to do when there are 2 sets of grandparents. take turns. usually the man gets the first turn. arrange with your parents for thanksgiving on another day, and maybe they get first choice for christmas?

 

to make the best of a tough logistics situation, arrange to meet at grandma's place.

 

he should drop you and your kids off at grandma's a day earlier

then you and he (or he alone) goes and gets his kids to grandma's

 

if you think his kids are more familiar with the grandma and would like to spend more time with the grandma, then switch it around, have him pick up and drop his kids at grandma's a day ahead. then come back and get you and your kids

 

then for return trip, he must send his kids home first, cos he will return home with you and your kids

[avman]

How about renting a bigger vehicle for a week around the holidays? They have 8 person SUVs you could snag. Heck you could even rent a 15 passenger van. Then everybody fits, nobody has to be unsafe, and nobody is left behind. For a couple of hundred dollars or so you could have a memorable holiday.

[sisterlynch]

He sees you everyday and only sees his kids every once in a while, so they really deserve to see him, I assume that they've been waiting patiently during the time that you and he have had the honey moon period....

 

You need to start talking to everyone involved, don't let him make all the desicions or compimises, love is a two lane highway, you must stay even with everyone, everyone must stay happy, you can never have one person or family take advantage of the others, then there will be unhappiness and reprisals, which nobody really likes!!

 

I have a sort of odd question, what do you mean by soul mates?

[TamE]

Thanks to all for taking the time to address this issue. I am certainly mulling over some of the suggestions.

 

To answer your question concerning the "soul mate" cliche... he and I have been in numerous relationships during our lives. We have experienced a lot. thereforeeee we feel we have a lot of history to compare our own relationship against. Afterall, we are both divorced and certainly don't want to travel that road again.

 

The first time we spoke to one another it was through a business call... completely "business" but yet we both felt this strange sensation as if we'd known each other our whole lives. It was so natural. We share the same goals, the same work, we love the same activities; we even finish each other's sentences half the time! It's the strangest thing. OR just as I am about to say something it will come out of his mouth in the exact phrase I am about to blurt out.

 

I have often heard it is not a good thing to say that someone else "completes" another; that one should be complete without being completed per se. But in my circumstance, this is how I feel being with him. I feel complete. I feel whole.

 

We have been together three years now and yes, we are still in the honeymoon stage I suppose. I hope it never ends. And by previous experience I believe that if each person always appreciate what the other person does for them and lets that person know it... that if each person concentrates on the other person's strengths and loving ways and accepts their minor flaws (because no one is perfect)... that you never go to bed angry and always say "Thank you" and "I love you" (because you never know when you may not get another chance)... love can survive and so can the honeymoon.

 

I agree that no one person or family can dominate without there being ramifications from such actions. I truly want to be a family. I suppose this is my time to truly "give" instead of focusing on my own happiness. I thank you for pointing this out.

 

I will also look into sporting an SUV for the holidays. What a great suggestion. Thank you.

 

Thanks again to you all.