Why do some women stay with men who abuse them?

[Fritz The Cat]

I've seen and hear of enough examples of this strange trait in women to be convinced it really exists. I was talking to man today who regularly beats his wife. We had a couple of beers together over lunch and were both relaxed enough for me to ask the personal question why? In a nutshell, he said, "if I don't, she'll leave me and find someone who will". I asked him how he knew this, he said from experience, she left him twice before and after the second time, he figured out it was because she felt he was neglecting his spousal duty to beat the h*ll out of her on a regular basis. I asked him why he thought she was like that and he said she probably consider it a form of sex and she enjoyed it. He was convinced that it kept her with him.

 

So what does this look like from a woman's point of view?

[beauty21]

So what does this look like from a woman's point of view?

 

I stayed with my abuser because I thought hitting me meant he loved me. After a while, I knew it was something that was terribly wrong with him. His parents were crack-heads and he saw his father beat his mother all the time. I used that as an excuse after I found out about it. I kept telling myself that he would change and if I did certain things differently then he would not hit me anymore.

 

I was in love with who he was before the abuse. That may sound crazy, but I was living in the past. How things used to be, before he started hitting on me.

 

Also, because of the sex. He would give me oral sex 24/7, and at the time what I thought was great sex. I was afraid I wouldn't find another person as sexual as him.

 

I can tell you that I have never left him because he didn't hit me. That just sounds ridiculous. But when I did get out finally, there were times when I missed him and even wanted him back, but thought better of it. I grew up and I started loving myself enough not to let a man put his hands on me and think it was okay.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I stayed with my abuser(s) because I was afraid I'd never find something else and kept waiting for him to change back into who I fell in love with.

 

Annnnnnd the other thing that happens in abusive relationships is that the highs are really high and the lows are really low. Folks can get addicted to the highs, to the 'makeup period'. Then there's also the fact that some victims don't know another way and can't understand how love is truly expressed and think that a relationship without the beatings, without these highs and lows, is boring or is not a true one.

 

Also the abuser tries to convince you that you're crazy and that it's your fault and you buy into it, big time, because they have this down to an art. Been doing it their whole life, right? They better have it down to an art...

[ghost69]

some women are scared to leave man. they are just that way. 90%+ of women will not want to be beaten. trust me. verbally or mentally.

[Lana0120]

Some of them come from families where abuse is normal, so they think an abusive relationship is the norm. Others were fooled into thinking the abusive partner was a nice guy, but as the violence started, they kept making excuses for him, that he would change, they could change him, or that they deserved it in some way. Others do it because there are children involved and they think it's better to keep the family together... all kinds of reasons.

[Blue Dreamer]

Why do some women stay with men who abuse them?

 

Hi Fritz,

 

They stay for security. They likely feel inferior due to prior experiences. The fear occurs mostly due to a false perception of reality. As a result, the fear of the unknown, which includes being single, is the ultimate answer to that question.

 

Shiznit

[just M.E.]

What happens to an abused woman is similar to brain washing, they often are led to believe that it is their fault. They are told no one would want them, the level of it is terrifying and the woman can feel hopeless. Some are afraid of what will happen if they leave, they are afraid for their lives.

 

It is never as simple as "Why don't you just leave" they often have children, no financial resources what so ever. Their sense of self, self esteem has been destroyed. I cannot believe that the man you speak of wife wants to be beat, more than likely that is his way of rationalizing his behavior.

 

Pretty much every abuser has the mentality of "look what you made me do"

 

Of course this is my opinions, and many, many abused women leave.

[Poe]

It sucks because there are many women who do not leave and cannot be in a relationship in which they are not treated like trash. It really takes a toll on what could or would have been an otherwise amazing woman and a potentially amazing relationship.

[Blue Dreamer]

they often are led to believe that it is their fault. They are told no one would want them, the level of it is terrifying and the woman can feel hopeless. Some are afraid of what will happen if they leave, they are afraid for their lives.

 

Excellent examples of truth.

[Fritz The Cat]

Wow, some very interesting responses. Thanks to all.

 

It would seem that going from being a nice guy to being an abuser isn't a bad strategy. This is such a screwed up concept to me that I'm not sure I could successfully go this route. It goes against everything I ever thought was right in regards to a relationship. But if this is what it takes to get and keep a woman, maybe I should consider it. Who am I to argue with truth.

[Laura11111]

No one wants to be abused.

They stay because they have low self-esteem and don't think they deserve any better. The abuser makes sure of this. They stay because they are isolated and cut off from friends and family and think don't have anywhere to go. The abuser makes sure of this too. Some women won't leave out of fear of more violence.

[Cimmie]

Wow, some very interesting responses. Thanks to all.

 

It would seem that going from being a nice guy to being an abuser isn't a bad strategy. This is such a screwed up concept to me that I'm not sure I could successfully go this route. It goes against everything I ever thought was right in regards to a relationship. But if this is what it takes to get and keep a woman, maybe I should consider it. Who am I to argue with truth.

 

That's a really shocking comment, and if that's what you really think, then you already have an abusive attitude to women.

 

'Getting and keeping' a woman by beating her is hardly a healthy attitude to relationships, is it?

 

The point being made in this thread is that relationships like that are sick, and experienced by psychologically sick people who have experienced nothing but abuse in their lives. It is all about power (in the hands of the man) which is the absolute opposite of love.

 

To answer your question, most women who stay with their abusers have been abused by male 'care-givers' in their past, usually their fathers, and they have chronically low self-esteem. I feel very sorry for the children of such relationships, who witness the violence and are screwed up in their turn. They will go on to be abusers or victims of violence themselves. The cycle of violence perpetuates itself.

 

So, if that's what turns you on, Fritzthecat, good luck to you.

 

I wouldn't even hang out with a guy who claimed he beat his wife. I don't like to count psychos among my friends.

[Laura11111]

Wow, some very interesting responses. Thanks to all.

 

It would seem that going from being a nice guy to being an abuser isn't a bad strategy. This is such a screwed up concept to me that I'm not sure I could successfully go this route. It goes against everything I ever thought was right in regards to a relationship. But if this is what it takes to get and keep a woman, maybe I should consider it. Who am I to argue with truth.

 

Well, if you do decide to go this route, here are some tips.

The first thing you have to do is break someone down. Before you can do that, however, it's best to find someone with low self-esteem and few friends. One you've introduced yourself, ask her on a date. Treat her like gold until you've established a relationship. This shouldnt' be hard for you because you are a nice guy, right? The idea is that you need build her up before you begin crushing her. This way, she'll feel good about herself and will appreciate and trust you. The next step is very important. Go get a gun and shoot yourself in the head. The world doesn't need another piece of * * * * .

 

Seriously though, your comment isn't funny. I hope I'm right when I guess that you really don't believe what you said. It's not possible to have a good relationship between two people when one person is hurting the other.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

- fear(they want to leave, but he scares the poo out of her)

- they still love them( they think he can change and give him more chances)

- to attached(combination of fear and they still love them)

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

Wow, some very interesting responses. Thanks to all.

 

It would seem that going from being a nice guy to being an abuser isn't a bad strategy. This is such a screwed up concept to me that I'm not sure I could successfully go this route. It goes against everything I ever thought was right in regards to a relationship. But if this is what it takes to get and keep a woman, maybe I should consider it. Who am I to argue with truth.

 

this might be the most absurd thing i ever heard on this site. your willing to change your whole persona to get a woman

 

thats sad....very sad. and dumb

[Fritz The Cat]

I guess I've given up trying to find a decent woman and now I'll settle for a piece of meat. It's not the way I want it but I'll play the game the way women want it to be played.

 

A friend once told me - "treat her like a princess and she'll sh*t all over you, treat her like sh*t and she'll love you forever."

[RayKay]

I guess I've given up trying to find a decent woman and now I'll settle for a piece of meat. It's not the way I want it but I'll play the game the way women want it to be played.

 

A friend once told me - "treat her like a princess and she'll sh*t all over you, treat her like sh*t and she'll love you forever."

 

If you want an insecure, needy girl with little self-esteem and a very unequal relationship - I suppose that would work.

 

I would argue that is not love though.

 

Some women stay with abusers because it is a vicious cycle. They are simply not ready to leave yet. Those whom are in abusive relationships are beaten down emotionally - not just physically - to believe they are not worth more than that, that they NEED their abusers approval to be worth something, and they are told over and over they can never do better either directly or indirectly.

 

It is not like they WANT to be abused. It is they feel that is all they are worthy of. Often there is tremendous fear in leaving - in fact the most dangerous time for woman in abusive relationships IS when they attempt to leave.

 

And your comment on going from a nice guy to being an abuser is not only a horrible notion, it is as far from indicative of a nice guy as I can imagine. Truly "nice guys" aren't nice to get a woman, not mean to get a woman. They are whom they are; and don't sacrifice that just to "get" a woman, but they have a deep respect for woman, as well as for themselves. They would not become abusers to get a woman.

 

That goes for your friend whom became abusive to "keep someone" (sorry, he is scum - complete scum) and for yourself if you would change whom you are and resort to beating women to keep one - and if you do, don't be surprised if you also end up with a criminal record as well as having the reputation of being of horrible character.

[Cimmie]

I guess I've given up trying to find a decent woman and now I'll settle for a piece of meat. It's not the way I want it but I'll play the game the way women want it to be played.

 

A friend once told me - "treat her like a princess and she'll sh*t all over you, treat her like sh*t and she'll love you forever."

 

Good luck with that.

 

I'm sure you'll find that all women secretly want to be treated like pieces of meat.

 

That's the mindset of a rapist.

[afrodite79]

I guess I've given up trying to find a decent woman and now I'll settle for a piece of meat. It's not the way I want it but I'll play the game the way women want it to be played.

 

A friend once told me - "treat her like a princess and she'll sh*t all over you, treat her like sh*t and she'll love you forever."

 

It's REALLY time to get new friends. They're losers.

 

That last comment you made was easily one of the worst things I've heard on this forum. If you've gotten to the point that you are seriously considering abusing another human being it's time for you to get out of the dating game before you hurt someone and end up in jail.

 

As others have said on here. No one wants to be abused. The women who stay aren't there out of true feelings of love and respect for their partner. They've been broken down until they're merely a shell of a human being. They're there out of fear whether it's of being alone or of more violence. I was in a 6 month relationship that was emotionally abusive. It was mild compared to the abuse a lot of other women experience but still effected my self esteem and my view on relationships and men very badly. If the little that I went through effected me so deeply I can't imagine how soul destroying physical AND verbal abuse must be. If you want a relationship that's based on control, fear and abuse then you aren't ready for a relationship at all. You're ready for therapy or prison. I really hope that you are just going through a rough patch and don't really intend to become an abuser.

[Fritz The Cat]

You last 2 are out of touch with reality. If you think that women are perfect and men are to blame for the rift between the sexes, you are delusional. I react the way I do because of my experiences with women. It's not a matter of choice, it's a matter of reacting to your game. There was a time when my attitude was totally different, it is what it is today because of my recent experiences with women. Maybe some day I'll meet one who will change my mind but for now, I see you all as mindless game.

[glegend]

I think many women stick around becaue they might be scared to leave because they might get abused even more or possibly killed. Also I think there may be something emotional that is keeping them back from leaving.

[afrodite79]

You last 2 are out of touch with reality. If you think that women are perfect and men are to blame for the rift between the sexes, you are delusional. I react the way I do because of my experiences with women. It's not a matter of choice, it's a matter of reacting to your game. There was a time when my attitude was totally different, it is what it is today because of my recent experiences with women. Maybe some day I'll meet one who will change my mind but for now, I see you all as mindless game.

 

We're not out of touch. Neither of us said that women were perfect or that "men are to blame for the rift between the sexes". You asked why women stay in abusive relationships. The focus is on women who are abused by men. If the question had been about men who are abused in relationships then you would have gotten replies about women as abusers and men as victims.

 

I know it sucks to have been in bad relationships and be frustrated. That's exactly why I'm taking a break from dating for a while. It helps you heal and gain your perspective back. I'm really hoping that you're just speaking out of frustration and not really concidering becoming an abuser because doing that would be what I'd call being out of touch. Take a break from dating and focus on yourself and other things for a while. I think it would also be a good idea to stay away from those friends of yours who promote abuse. They aren't helping your attitude about women much.

[Fritz The Cat]

It doesn't make any sense to me either but if I found myself in a relationship with a woman who wanted to be abused and I really cared for her, I'd give her what she wanted. If I didn't, someone else would.

[Cimmie]

You seem to find it hard to grasp that NO WOMEN WANT TO BE ABUSED.

 

People are conditioned to abuse so they come to expect it.

 

You can either be mature enough to realize that and be a part of the solution, or be an abuser and part of the problem.

 

As others have said, just be careful you don't wind up in prison. Because assault, rape and other forms of violation are crimes and carry a sentence.

[RayKay]

I don't understand your comments on the rift between the sexes; this thread was about abuse. No one blamed anyone for a "rift". Men and women often take time to learn to relate to one another, plenty of relationships don't work out....and some do. No one blamed anyone. Both men and women need to work on themselves as healthy individuals before they can be in a healthy relationship, and need to learn to compromise yet not sacrifice whom they are in order to have anyone.

 

Men can be abused by women too - there is even more shame associated with that for many men in confessing to others they are being abused.

 

Women do not WANT abuse. It is an awful cycle they are trapped in either due to past experience and expectations, or a new relationship itself that escalates over time into becoming more and more abusive.

 

If you were with a woman whom came from a past of abuse, the last thing you would do if you truly cared for her was raise a hand to her and continue the cycle. You would support her into going to therapy and healing. If she still was not happy not being loved and respected and left, then let her go. There is no way on earth any decent man would become an abuser for the reasons you mention.

 

Honestly, if you would "become an abuser" to give "her what she wanted" you have an incredibly sick view of women and relationships overall. I respect some of this may be due to your experiences, as well as some of your "friends" opinions but that does not make it TRUE or RIGHT. Your friends whom abuse their partners are sick. And they are making their partners sick and shells of whom they could be.

 

There are plenty of bad apples in the world, or unhealthy people, that does not mean you become a twisted person to relate to them or to "succeed" as they are - because that is not success; there is no success or good in abusing another person....you move on and figure out how to develop yourself to meet healthier people and be a healthier person yourself.

 

This thread is honestly making me sick to my stomach; I see women whom are abused through my work often, and it is a horrible, horrible thing to even think of doing "just to keep a woman around".