Work relationship gone bad...please help!

[Aeiryne]

So, I'm a very independent 28 year old woman with a great job in IT. I have only had 3 boyfriends, ranging in time length from 2.5 to 5 years. About 3 years ago, I began dating an engineer I work with, unbeknownst to the rest of the company. We had an incredibly intense love, and managed to divide our work lives and our personal lives successfully. By nature, I am a very demonstrative person...I like to give presents, and touch people I am involved with. He is a little more aloof, but in the beginning, he more than fulfilled my needs. Now, about a month ago, he became pretty distant & was not as affectionate as usual. My schedule had changed temporarily, so I was not able to spend time with him on the weekends, which was usually our together time. This culminated in me actually making myself physically ill, trying to figure out what was going on. He finally communicated that our relationship had lost the intimacy it once had, and we were tearing each other up because of this. He did not think we should date anymore, as he did not want our relationship turning into something worse. According to him, I am one of his best friends and he wants to remain friends, but will leave that up to me. Honestly, I think he is right about not dating with the way things are, but I still love him, and I do not think the problem is me. I would not want to continue as we have been, but I am devastated by the loss of what we had, and I don't understand why he is not willing to try to fix this. He "loves me," but when I asked if he was "in love," he said "That is complex." Should I sever our ties completely (which would mean getting a new job)? Should I try the friends thing (my best friend is an ex-boyfriend)? Or should I wait for him to reinitiate a relationship with the hopes that he will be better at communicating this time?

Please help. I am losing weight and sleep at an alarming rate.

[Eidan]

Aeiryne, it sounds to me like this fellow couldn't have cared as much for you as you did for him, or a small loss of together-time would never have shaken his feelings in the slightest.

It is possible, however, that you may have made him somewhat uncomfortable. If you are a demonstrative person (and kudos to you if you are, I think it's quite a healthy thing) then public affection may have scared him off. But you dated him for three years, so I'd find that difficult to accept. But it is possible!

If he says he loves you but is not in love with you, that's not uncommon. I know of many people where that is the case. And many live with it happily.

If you really want him back, let him come to you. Pursuing him at this point will likely push him further away.

I hope this helps!

 

-Eidan

[Aeiryne]

I appreciate your perspective, Eidan. I don't know whether the affection issue comes from his family background, or from something else. I grew up in a fairly tight family situation, whereas his was a little more scattered. I suppose I should also qualify this by saying I wasn't trying to get it on in public or anything, but a hug or kiss on the cheek is about the level of public affection I'm speaking of.

The thing is, I do want him back, but I want the relationship the way it was before...not the painful sick thing it became. The only time it hurts is when I remember the wonderful things that happened 6 months ago. I do not know if this is possible, but if he is just not in love with me any more (and who knows what 'complex' means?) then that is fine & I will get over it at some point because I'm pretty self-sufficient and I have a good crew to help out.

It's just confusing while I figure it out.

[Karl]

I hope things get better for you...have you felt better?

 

Maybe he didn't have the guts to tell you he was getting displaced earlier on, and now he's using an excuse to get out.

 

No, there's nothing worng with you, sometimes men are just shy and whimpy and can't say what's on their mind---sometimes men just can't word things, let alone really let women know how they feel.

 

Its hard to tell from the little info what happened, but, if I were you, I'd have a sit down with him. Ask him what is really going on, and don't take junk for an answer, make him tell the truth, no matter what the cost.

 

Then, if it goes south, at least you know what it was and you can move on. As of now, you're in a situation of wanting him, and he's saying "let's be friends"...I think you need to find out why.

 

Take his reasons, use them to better yourself if need be, and move on. if he's just being chicken, who needs him.

 

It all stems from confidence in yourself...you'll do fine! 8)

 

All the best,

 

Karl

 

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[Aeiryne]

I have good days and bad days. Adding the stress surrounding him is 'what in the hell am I going to do about this job situation?' I've made a list of possible moves I could make and am working on mulling those over. I actually spoke to him on Sunday, which is when we usually got together with friends and cooked. He invited me to the gathering (gee, thanks,) but I declined and went out instead. My parents are in town, which kind of forces a buffer, although them being here is almost making it worse as they keep picking at me to eat. Bah.

Thanks for your words!