Please help- Guy lost interest???

[Devchonka]

It's just important to not expect him to stop caring for you, this only invites you to read into things he does to build your case against him. Thus sabotaging any chance for a relationship.

 

My guy and I are fantastic together, but i'm sure if i set my mind to something being wrong i can build a case against him. Though absolutelly false.

 

Good luck! Dont' be too defensive

[Batya33]

"talking" for 7 months has nothing to do with letting a guy date you and get to know you over time by taking you out on dates- wasn't the 7 months guy from a phone sex line? Most of those men likely are not looking for more than sex.

 

I do not agree with Devonchka's take on men not being emotional about sex or intimacy- not in my experience. but, if you have sex right away with someone you are not even dating you are giving the impression that you are ok with casual sex - not a gender issue just a self-respect issue. I

 

t's fine to have casual sex if that's what you want but using it as a back door into a relationship is not advisable and nor is labeling men as jerks or not wanting a relationship when your examples are a man you met on a phone sex line and a man who made it clear from the beginning from his actions that he just wanted to see you when it was convenient for him - when he was in town -and just wanted to see you to hang out and hook up, not date.

 

Get very clear with yourself what you want and do not settle for less or make excuses why you have to settle for less. If you decide that casual sex is good for you and cool for you - please, go for it! - but it doesn't sound like it's working for you.

[angeliamce]

Just to share- he texted me again last night..."hey goodlooking"- and I responded back- "still awake"- we had the best time talking- I am so glad that I texted him back. I didn't make any of my everything ok statements or I know you are tired of me. He told me that he really missed me and had a bunch of regrets from the last few days. Including the coon hunting and not going Sat. night. It felt good- even if I was being played. I need this right now- to feel connected to someone. Thanks everyone- it really does help to come here and read and share and think about others. Hope everyone is having a great day!! I think I am going to drive the 3 hrs up to his house this weekend- I don't know.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Just to share- he texted me again last night..."hey goodlooking"- and I responded back- "still awake"- we had the best time talking- I am so glad that I texted him back. I didn't make any of my everything ok statements or I know you are tired of me. He told me that he really missed me and had a bunch of regrets from the last few days. Including the coon hunting and not going Sat. night. It felt good- even if I was being played. I need this right now- to feel connected to someone. Thanks everyone- it really does help to come here and read and share and think about others. Hope everyone is having a great day!! I think I am going to drive the 3 hrs up to his house this weekend- I don't know.

 

Sorry if you mentioned this before; does he have a car? Can he meet you at your place, or 1/2 way?

 

It's a great to feel connected to someone.

 

If you are worried about being played, hold off with the sex until you two are in a more committed relationship. if he's only interested in sex, he'll move on, unless he's a real dirtbag. Take things slow and as they come. It sounds like this guy likes you!!

[Devchonka]

1:

 

good job hippie

[angeliamce]

Sorry if you mentioned this before; does he have a car? Can he meet you at your place, or 1/2 way?

 

He has driven the 3 hrs down the last 4 weekends. And he has asked me several times to come up, but I guess I just had some doubts. Now I would like to see what it would be like to hang-out with him at his house.

 

But who knows- he text this morning to say he really missed me and have a good day. I responded at lunch- then nothing and its after 8 here. So, I may be right and he has lost interest. I don't know I am just going to be calm.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you're continuing the pattern of hanging out and hooking up - rather, I would suggest either meeting halfway for lunch and a walk or hike (or a movie) or if you have to trek out there, make it a day trip and have him plan the activities which should not include hanging out at his house - you're not a couple yet and he drove to your area because of the hunting, not just to see you. Let him hunt you a bit more!

[angeliamce]

he drove to your area because of the hunting, not just to see you. Let him hunt you a bit more!

 

I agree that he hunted we he came down- but, he could hunt in his area w/o the 3 hr drive down. He told me this himself- he was coming to see me. One of the reason I would like to go is bc I would love for us to hang-out. I live in a small town- and teach at the local school. And this guy is so much younger than me- he has said a couple of times he feels I don't want to let people know we are together. Which is true- because I don't feel the need to share my business. Especially since I don't even know what really is going on. So, I would love to go hang-out at his house, I like having sex with him- and I don't see us getting in a long term relationship. I just would love to hang-out with him for a couple of months and just enjoy each other. Make some good memories and have fun. So much of the last month has been so much fun- so, I really don't want to play games and have him hunt me. I want to be caught over and over. So...I think I will text him and see if he wants to play. Think I should??

[Batya33]

Oh, ok, I misunderstood and thought that you wanted more than sex from him or that you were upset that you had to settle for just sex. I now understand that your goal is to have sex with this guy on a regular basis and that you are not expecting more than that. What confused me was your upset reaction to his seeming loss of interest - I thought you were upset that he seemed to lose interest in getting to know you, not in having sex with you.

 

If you want to have fun - which to you means casual sex - then it is definitely worth it to drive three hours so that you can have sex in his house instead of in yours and so that you can have more privacy than you would in your town.

[angeliamce]

So, he ask me over and over when I am coming. He has told me details of what we were going to do and where we were going, etc. So, after everything- I thought I will stop playing, because I want to see him this weekend. So, today at lunch we were texting back and forth about what we had been doing at work. And he asks again- "When are you coming to see me??"- I texted back- "I would love to come this weekend or next bc my son is going hunting w/ my brother."

 

He texted back- "Let me check and see what I have going on."

 

I thought- on no...he's not even serious- so, I texted

"Just let me know. If it doesn't work the next couple of weekends, we can wait for next year." Also, mentioned we didn't have to go to one of the activities he had suggested bc it was so expensive. I didn't say bc it was expensive, but I thought maybe that was one of his concerns.

 

Now its 9 p.m. and the last text was at noon from me saying the above...just let me know.

 

I am not going to text him. Why I even did this- why do people start stuff they don't want if I say something even if I am teasing I still basically want what I am saying.

 

Batya- you do understand now. I just want to be with him, hang-out, and have sex. I really don't care if he falls for me. I just want him to want me. Apparently I can't really handle a relationship, because I can't even handle these made-up relationships.

[Batya33]

I am not surprised he is being unreliable because this is not the first time he's been unreliable. My sense is that you are not only annoyed the way you would be with any old friend but particularly annoyed because perhaps as much as you would like this to be just sex, your emotions and ego are involved (understandable?). Obviously I could be wrong.

 

I don't think your thinking is right "since I can't handle this made up relationship I can't handle a real relationship." In a dating scenario, it's far more structured - the guy who is into you calls you up in advance, asks you out on a date, plans the date and keeps the date absent an emergency. After two or three dates, maybe it becomes a bit more of a given that you will see each other so he starts asking you out while still on the date for the next date. however it does work it has an understood, decades old structure - typically in the beginning, man asks, in advance, man plans, the two go out.

 

The other arrangement that seems to be "structured" is sex only. In that case the structure is - whoever is interested in getting laid calls the other person sometimes late at night and they plan to meet ASAP to have sex.

 

However you're trying to mix up the two - part of you wants this whole "come here for the weekend, we'll do all these activities, it will be fun" - both of you know the main activity will involve exchanging bodily fluids but instead of being straight up you're both pretending as if it's more. That's not structured, that's a mishmash of dating and sex buddies - and that risks a lot of confusion and misunderstanding.

 

As much as you say you're ok with straight sex, if you really were you'd do the alternative above and not play all these games to make it look like something else with the result being mixed signals - including to yourself which is the most troubling of all.

[angeliamce]

Batya33,

 

I think you may be right- I do want the other stuff and also the sex. He wants to do the other stuff too. We both seem to be pretending we are in a relationship. Last night- after no contact from him. Around 10 I texted and told him not to stress about me coming up. Yes, I wanted to see him but I just dared myself to agree to first see his response. He immediately texts me back and says I really want you to come up. Then I text him and say that sorry I am over analyzing but I don't want him stressed if he has changed his mind- he responds- that he miss me. I respond I miss him too and goodnite.

 

What is going on?????

[Batya33]

What is going on is that you're both feeling insecure and confused about how to define this arrangement because it's not a dating arrangement and it's not "playmates"- you're feeling insecure because you're not being entirely honest with yourself, which leads to the manipulative and "testing" texts and he probably doesn't want to lead you on to believe it's more than just an adult playdate, so while he doesn't mind the hanging out part he doesn't want to make it look too much like a date.

 

I think if he truly wanted to date you he wouldn't risk being this unclear and wishy washy.

[angeliamce]

Thanks everyone who reads this- I am 36 and I feel like I am 12 w/ a crush. The guy didn't text today- so, at around 7:30 tonight I texted him and said that I really had enjoyed him and I knew this was going to an end but I had no regrets, I just wanted him to know that he had made me happy even if all of it was us playing...he immediately texts back and says that he doesn't want anything to end he wants to talk to me, and see me...

 

I didn't text back- because I was thinking. Then he called, he told me that he really liked me and that he so enjoyed me- wants me to come up, etc. I tell him I don't know why I am being so weird and I explain that I know that he is a nice guy and I don't want him to be nice to me bc he doesn't want to hurt me. And he says don't worry I really not that nice of guy- if I didn't like you I wouldn't be talking to you.

 

What so said- is I still feel so unsure. And I know that the way I feel totally turns off guys. I must pull back and stop acting so crazy. Batya33- your right I am feeling so insecure. Thanks everyone!!!