Almost like there's two sides to her...

[Seymore]

Thanks. Unfortunately, I've been playing it out in my head the last 5 days - what I'm going to say to her the next time it happens, and that means I'm anticipating the next time it happens. I pick her up tonight from the airport, and I'm thinking of every situation, like "Why did you park so far from the baggage claim? Now we have to walk all this way..." and "Honey, turn right! No, go THIS way!" when I know where I'm going, etc...

 

All POSSIBLE situations, not actual. And it's bringing me down. At times when I dwell too much on things I take things out on people that never happened, but that I spent all this time preparing myself for. Anyway, it's been driving me nuts. I want to be GLAD to see her tonight, not with half a smile on my face. Maybe it's good that I'm taking a step back - I won't be "love blind" and afraid to speak up, should it happen. At the same time, the last day or so I've been picturing her in the passenger seat of my car while on the way out grocery shopping etc., and laughing and joking with her about stuff like we normally do, so I'm missing her, but I also think that not getting to speak my mind about the "gas thing" (first post) and parting on a bad note a week ago has also built up in me.

 

We haven't really spoken much - she's been in the mountains the last week and reception isn't so hot there, but the one time I did get an e-mail from her yesterday, she said she wishes she'd have just stayed home with me, and that she told her family she's never going back there again because the usual family problems came up again.

 

I hope I can clear my mind by tonight - I'm such a worryer...

[Seymore]

What a night...

 

Her flight was 45 minutes late. Before she took off, she called me saying she hoped I didn't leave my house, and I told her I was already on the highway (I decided to get there early, my sense of direction sucks once I get outside of the suburbs). She said "Why?" in what I perceived to be an annoyed voice. I responded "You know me and driving". So she said she'd call once she landed, which would be 2 hours later.

 

I get to the airport early, at the baggage claim, like she asked. I had a ton of time to kill, so I grabbed a coffee and got back in my car to listen to some music.

 

My car wouldn't start. My battery was dead.

 

I thought for sure she'd have a conniption fit once she arrived, only to hear me say my car wouldn't start. Then I thought to myself: "This is a test. If she doesn't understand, then we really do have a problem". I called my dad, and he drove out to charge my battery. Once he showed up, my car would start on its own. That's how it works with me. So he decided to charge it more anyway, and I went in to meet her.

 

She came down, gave me a faint hug and said "You've never done this before, have you?" I said "What?". She said "Picked someone up here. I arrived UPSTAIRS". I said "You said the baggage claim, hon". And here we went. I could just see it coming. So I broke it to her, told her my car battery died. She looked at me for a while, then said "I'm sorry." She was silent for the next 10 minutes while we waited for her bags. I told her it was good to see her, and she didn't respond. I asked if she was tired and she said no, if she was ok and she said she was fine. She barely said two words to me after that. We got her bags and came out, my dad said "Welcome home!" and she barely smiled and said thanks. My dad said "You're all set, call if you need anything", and told my girlfriend to smile, then drove home.

 

We got in the car, and she told me how it was a mistake to have even gone on that vacation in the first place, and asked that I don't get offended if she doesn't want to talk about it. Turns out she wasn't pissed at me, she had a really lousy trip and didn't get along with her family out there too well. Plus it was 11:45 at night, so she WAS a little tired. I told her I would turn the radio on, but I didn't want to tax the battery any more than I had to. I offered to sing to her instead, and there it was...a smile! She just took my hand as I drove her home and said "Thanks for picking me up. I love you", then rested her head in the crook of my arm and fell asleep.

 

I've still got in mind what I will say to her should she act up again, but thankfully, it didn't come to that tonight. And hopefully it won't ever.

[Seymore]

So we broke up.

 

I decided that how she acted to my dad and to me at the airport wasn't necessary, and even though she had a bad trip, she could have been at least civil to me at the airport. This morning I wrote another e-mail to her, detailing all the things I've done for her and how I've always been there for her, and yet still she gives me the majority of her attitude. I said I wouldn't tolerate it any further and that we had to have a serious talk after work, because we were on a downhill slope in our relationship, and I was worried that we couldn't fix it, so I wanted to discuss things.

 

She called me back saying "If you feel that way, let's call it quits". I was surprised at her response, but responded "If you think that's best, then fine." She said "You said you'd never hurt me. I should have known better." And I told her that she had told me the same thing. She said "I'm not the one who said I wanted to break up". So I read verbatim from my previous e-mail that I wanted to TALK, not break up, and I made that obvious, but the fact that she twisted it around and tried to make me feel guilty and said "I should have known better" pushed me away even further. I told her that she should have known what she had. She said she couldn't promise she'd change. I told her that if she did, she could call me when she got her head on straight.

 

I feel good for speaking my mind, good that I lost the attitude, but terrible that I lost HER. I wish I could reach inside of her and tear out this problem she has and tear it to shreds, but I can't deal with this any longer.

[blender]

You did the right thing Boofie, you really did... she now has the oportunity to do some self reflection..but most likely for the first few days she'll just be justifying her behavior and thinking YOU should be doing this or that..just like her response to her family.. she said, "I'm never going there again".. yep..it's her pattern..

 

she has a control issue where she pushes the person/people closes to her into a corner... it's her pattern.. so do not take it personally but do stay the self respecting course that it is NOT okay for YOU to stay and play a part in that pattern any longer, you did the right thing by telling her that you wanted to "talk about it" but of course then she pushed you into a cornger, changed the words and said, "Let's call it quits"..ugh.. I'm sure this is the same way her family gets treated by her as well..they have to "walk on eggshells" or she'll slam them verbally or stomp away with a "I'm never coming here again"...

 

So give it some time, allow her the gift of your silence, no more reactions from you to fuel her phrases, or pattern of her manipulating it to make you feel guilty, because she can not "make you" feel anything, just as you can not "make her" understand what she does right or wrong..

 

And as far as the way she treated your father, that would be a huge red flag for me.. I know she was tired from her trip and all, but a lot of us get tired, crabby, whatever, but we apologize and we don't then keep repeating the behavior.. especially with someone's Dad.. who took time to come get your car started so SHE could have a ride home.. no matter how tired she was, it's not okay to not have gratitude and kindness towards your Dad.

 

and so far her pattern is lashing out, placing blame, inducing guilt, then saying she's sorry and loves you, then pushes you away again.. she had this "pattern" long before you came in to her life, and it seems she has the same "pattern" in response to her own family...

 

You really have to dig down deep in your heart and ask yourself is this kind of personality and pattern you see yourself building a loving future with, or having children with, or going through the good and bad times with?

 

It's important to separate who you "believe she CAN be" and who "she actually is in her pattern"..that is two very different things...

 

and one of them is the "real her".. and it's the "pattern" that is in control here, so feel good about the fact that you broke your side of the pattern, and that is a gift of love for yourself and for her, whether she ever realizes it or not, and if she doesn't realize it, well then, you have to let go, grow past this..and have the self respect to have standards, values you want to SHARE with someone else, and NOT about teaching them to someone else..