markusG Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 PLEASE HELP !!!!!! need some sanity here Ok im new here and my fiance lives in the usa and I live in the uk and we've known each other 18mnths and been dating 6 months. We've met 2 times for over a month each time in those 6 months.Firstly everything was dreamy and I knew she had a few close male friends 2 imparticular. And things were really cool. But I told her I suffer from panic attacks and anxiety too if this helps and that id been cheated on before as my long term partner prior had had an affair. Anyway she went back to the states and on her birthday decides to go and stop with a male friend whos wife was way (she'd had an affair)! they went to the movies and dinner and all stuff couples do and I felt it was stealing the beauty of a new relationship.I didn't like this and told her and she eventualy agreed after 2 days and left realising I felt it put my trust in an unreasonable position by challenging it and made me jealous.Due to being apart though it makes things doubly hard with the distance.Thing is we Love each other ALOT. Anyway. about a month later a missionary friend of hers who's single comes back from africa and stays for almost 5 days in her 1 room apartment. She often complains of tiredness and not getting enough sleep as she's ill with fatigue syndrome. Thing is when he was there they sat up watching movies till 2am, going shopping and laughing and joking and being very pally. Yet prior to him staying there we'd argued a bit and she'd not seemed herself. So I was pretty annoyed she seemed so happy and different with him around. Plus feeling jealous is horrid and difficult to stop when your mind wanders.This totaly freaked me out and she said he was just a friend and like a brother to her and that i was being paranoid and I don't trust her. I explained how I felt about this. You know ! my fiance in a 1 room apartment , the bathrooms in the bedroom and a single guy a few yrs older, staying on the sofa. Possibly true. but when i'd ring she seemed livelier ? She told me he was a christian and a missionary and that he had prayed for us and things and why was I questioning the faith ?Thing is ! 1 day she gets aroused on the phone sexualy while he's in the other room and tells me she's wearing my shirt I gave her. then finally hangs up as they're going out soon. So I ring and the phones are off and mail and ask why,. ? She says they didnt here them ringing ? So I panic . Later on that night at like 1am her time she gets all sexual again on the phone, but says we cant as he's in the other room and that in the afternnon the fans had been on ? But she continues getting aroused and it sounds really weird. But she continues anyway to get off. weird thing is she sounded different sexualy and more vibrant ? Thing is all of this caused ALOT of tension and drove my paranoia and I felt like rubbish, didnt eat all the usual stuff. Questioned her trust and made stupid remarks. Obviously my stupidity just upset her. Everytime I try to discuss this guy she gets angry or for along time refused to consider how it upset me. She couldn't see my problem. Erm sorry but I would NOT let a single female friend stop with me for 5 nights knowing my fiance is overseas out of respect. She knew i was ill and suffered before from being cheated on and that im sensetive. Also I agree she didn't have to tell me things. Anyway while i was there for the month one day she went and hid in the bathroom and spoke to this single guy on the phone for an hour ? Her excuse later was that she felt I was not being attentive and she needed to talk and cry about how she was feeling and all the things goign on in her life. She's doing a trauma class from past hurt. So she said she has alot going on related to past things. I ignored it whilst there as its her place and didnt wish to row. Back in england i rang one day and she said she was tired and exhausted as she had alot going on in her life with the past and everything once again and she'd been on the phone to this single guy 2 hrs again.so i said it was pissing me off and could she not see my side of it and that i felt she was neglecting my feelings. So i got the usual, everytime i mention him aggressive thing, why dont i trust her, she only loves me etc. Thing is my gut felt sick. I think due to her actions i had a right to be suspicious even if they are as she said just friends and christians and he's like a brother. She said her married friend and this guy are like brothers and part of her support network and she's known them both along time, the single guy she met at a christian add for musicians and they record together. He used to live a few apartments away. I mail him and tell him and no reply, then i say i have illness and anxiety and sorry and he replies saying he didn't know what to say due to being depressed . While I was there I only met him twice as he seemed to either not come over to hers through depression or was not up to it. we did meet , but she left us two to talk as she was feeling worn out and not well and she'd meet me later. So i told him how I felt and he said he wouldn't do that to a friend and he wanted to be my friend ? When i was there one afternoon i asked how he was and she snapped "HES DEPRESSED OK" And she doesn't exactly like talking about him as much since he's been back, unlike prior to his return when it didnt matter. She also mailed him and told him not to email me as I was being weird ?So we had a blazing row last week and i said why dont you end it and go out with this single guy then as you seem better matched and he lives there i dont. And they seem to be closer with God and their interests match exactly in books music and life. She breaks down and says to me why cant i believe her that she loves me and she been nothing but faithful and loving me for 18months and shes sick of all my accusations and buli * * * * and that she LOVES ME. She seems to cry alot to on the phone when i mention being alone and having her lay her head on my chest and i miss her holding me and i hate sleeping alone. or she just seems to cry about alot ? Well if she does ? why does she carry on like she does and not consider that her actions hurt me, and that she's done nothing wrong and keeps telling me im ill and scizophrenic ? I do Love here immensely and yes certain actions get you jealous.She does Love me im sure but she gets so aggressive if i even mention his name or whats happened and how it hurt me. Its always turned around to me me me and my selfishness. She keeps saying she's done nothing at all. Hes just like a brother ? It could be possible and i may be over reacting true. But the sex on the phone while he was in her 1 room apartment sleeping or just being there on the couch seemed far to much for anyone to handle ? Unless she's kinky and gets aroused by the danger ? I also know she's had a mixed up past a bit and she has dated two guys before, but a long time ago, and that since becoming christian she seems to be obsessed with forgiveness and God and how wretched she told me she was once. But Christ has changed that. Maybe she did sleep with him and feels ashamed and guilty and doesnt want to admit it incase i dump her ? But why when im so far away ? what possible reason would she have to want to be with me if she's sleeping or slipped up and had sex with him ? unless she has sex with him while i'm here and then when we meet she has me ? It doesnt make sense ? She did agree though that when i go next in 5 weeks all 3 of us can sit down and talk about it i asked and said maybe the 3 of us should discuss why i feel something isn't right or wasn't right and she said OK THEN ? I guess thats something. Am i paranoid ? She's a strong believer in god as well and has had a very frustrating past. Sometimes she is completely amazing and loving, but she couldnt see any wrong in what she did as he was a friend who needed help that was all. To me it showed a lack of respect for the man you love having a single guy friend or not stay for 5 days in your apartment. Any clues ? OBVIOUSLY she wont admit it as ive been rather pissed off. Or would she ? Is there a possibility she's feeling guilty and wants to sweep it under the carpet and move on and that they probably did have sex for a while until I got there and she feels wretched. I do Love her, but due to my past fears and not always being well, I just don't think that if you Love somebody that much you'd endanger that love by staying with other guys overnight friend or not or even letting them stay on your sofa ? Seems odd to me. Unless im to possesive or she wants to see how far she can test me. Her moods vary alot and she says she cant always remember things. She also sent this "We are both broken people with a lot of healing to get through. I want us to get through it because I want us to have a life together. I want to talk to you about my life eventually and I am praying that by you getting help and me getting help we will eventually get back to that level of closeness...but even you admit that that will not happen overnight. Trust cannot be rebuilt overnight anymore than a life can be rebuilt overnight. I know the potential is there for us once we work through our pain and issues. Some of it can be done together, but some of it is only between God and you and God and me. In due time, He can bring it all together. I am in a tremendous amount of pain right now. I feel like I am drowning in it and I need all the help and support I can get. I am waking up sobbing from nightmares and having huge washes of revelation about things from my past and it is too much right now. Not to mention the usual weakness and fatigue I was not being "secretive" when I talked to single guy that day on the phone in the bathroom. I needed someone to talk to. I actually hoped you were listening because I thought you might have been able to hear my heart without getting defensive. I was in the bathroom talking and crying about how much I was hurting about everything. If you'll recall, when I tried to talk to you, you acted like there was nothing that needed to be talked about, even though we had never addressed anything of what went on in summer, or the underlying stuff. You just wanted to move on and act like none of it should need talking about and so I was left alone to process my pain. You wouldn't talk about things! Meanwhile I physically felt like I was dying from the stress all of it had, and was, putting me through. I was barely able to get out of bed, ! Maybe having been able to talk to you and not have you deny things would have been helpful." Any advice would be super im new here hello Link to comment
Massari Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 She did agree though that when i go next in 5 weeks all 3 of us can sit down and talk about it ? Hi markus. welcome to ENA. I read your post and everything seems normal and I thought maybe you are over-reacting a little bit until I read that line. Now I am a jealous type so I could feel what you are going through. Guy friend who is like a brother. That is BS in my opinion. I could never understand that. So I would say be careful and don't think you are over reacting. If she wasn't hiding anything she wouldn't even mention him and you talk about stuff. why she said it is really fishy. Link to comment
Entropy Smith Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Dude, you ever hear of sentence structure. I'd move on if its causing you this much anxiety. Long distance relationships suck, and you have no control anyway so why go nuts over this. YOur insecurity will drive her to cheat if she hasn't already. Being a certain religon is no indicator of behavior i ahve found. Link to comment
sddeaston Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Dude, you ever hear of sentence structure. Agree completely Link to comment
doyathink Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 ^^ True! I wonder if she wants the three of you to talk...together...so that you can see for yourself, once and for all, that he truly is like a brother and nothing has happened between them. Believe it or not guys....we females really do have guys who are like 'fathers' or 'brothers' to us. But there can never be any attraction there to be considered just friends. Maybe she's telling the truth. Maybe she has no romantic feelings for him at all and wanted to be there when he needed a friend. Can't say I blame you though. I wouldn't like my guy having a friend spend the night regardless the circumstances. Link to comment
markusG Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 Apologies on the lack of sentence structure i was more concerned with what people thought ? Did she cheat or am i over concerned ? Link to comment
markusG Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 fair comment but what makes you think she didnt ? Link to comment
markusG Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 agreed but whats your opinion ? Link to comment
markusG Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 well the crazy thing is we do Love each other but her actions have caused me tremors. Link to comment
karvala Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Well I read it all several times, as you appear to want more than anything else an answer to the "cheated or paranoid" question, if you pressed me for an answer I would have to say on balance "paranoid". But that to me is not the main question. What really comes out of that message is that you are, quite understandably, suspicious of anyone who spends her birthday doing couple-like things with one guy, and then has another guy stay in a single-bedroom apartment for five days, while being in a relationship where her bf (you) is absent at the time. Whether or not she cheated is almost irrelevant (and as I say, in my view she probably didn't, if it helps at all to hear that), because the real problem is that you two have different standards of what is acceptable behaviour in a partner (in terms of what should have to be trusted). She thinks it's okay to have guys staying in her apartment, you don't. She clearly has these two close male friends with whom has some sort of emotional bond, and she is going to treat them literally like family (according to her at least), and nothing you can do is likely to change that (and if she did eventually give them up at your request, it would likely cause such resentment as to greatly damage the relationship). You can continue to talk to her about it, although clearly your mistrust is causing considerably resentment on her side already, as it inevitably will if she has not done anything wrong. However, you really have to make a choice: do you want to be in a relationship with somene that has two close male friends like this, who are physically present while you're not, and who will have them stay in her apartment if need be? It doesn't seem like an ideal setup for someone with trust issues. I'd give the whole thing some serious thought if I were you. Link to comment
markusG Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 I see what you say but she gets very jealous of my female friends and even asked me to remove some of them from my friends page as she said it was unfitting and wants to know who i talk to ? Seems we both struggle. Crazy thing is we do Love each other. Link to comment
Papillion Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 if ever there was an anti-LDR advertisement its this thread. LDR = BAD been there, done that, got the t-shirt, felt the pain, got paranoid, lost my sanity. NEVER AGAIN. good luck OP, you're gonna need it dude. Link to comment
markusG Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 if ever there was an anti-LDR advertisement its this thread. LDR = BAD been there, done that, got the t-shirt, felt the pain, got paranoid, lost my sanity. NEVER AGAIN. good luck OP, you're gonna need it dude. i understand but you but is it just my paranoia ?? Link to comment
doyathink Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Markus, no one here can be absolute on whether or not she cheated. We're just speculating and guessing here.... We only have one side of the story (yours) and we weren't there with her either. Did she cheat? Are you just paranoid? Well, who knows for sure. One think I will say here is....if she truly is innocent, and you continue to bring this up to her, she is going to get irritated with you. Maybe it's time for the two of you to have the chat about what you find tolerable and acceptable in your relationship. Come up with something you both can agree on and stick with it. Link to comment
markusG Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 Markus, no one here can be absolute on whether or not she cheated. We're just speculating and guessing here.... We only have one side of the story (yours) and we weren't there with her either. Did she cheat? Are you just paranoid? Well, who knows for sure. One think I will say here is....if she truly is innocent, and you continue to bring this up to her, she is going to get irritated with you. Maybe it's time for the two of you to have the chat about what you find tolerable and acceptable in your relationship. Come up with something you both can agree on and stick with it. I completely agree. i also think a little space to think is helpful to and keep the contact sweet and short. Link to comment
Papillion Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 My opinion, based on what you've said in this thread, is that you are not suited to a LDR. Some people are, some people aren't. It took me 3 years to realise that being in a LDR was driving me mad. IMO, none of the details here are particularly relevant if you step back and view the big picture. Ask yourself, would the problems you describe in this thread exist if you were not in a long distance relationship? If your girl lived in the same town as you, would you be here now asking us whether you were paranoid, did she cheat etc etc? Some people have vivid imaginations. I am one of them, and i'm guessing you are too. Man, either find a way of being geographically close to your girl, or find one who already lives locally. It will make 95% of your issues vanish at the click of a finger. Link to comment
markusG Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 Excellent advice and yes we are working on being closer !! ty so much Link to comment
markusG Posted November 22, 2007 Author Share Posted November 22, 2007 she didnt cheat. whats your reason for the answer ? Link to comment
kluv224 Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 You gotta learn to trust her until you know for sure she has screwed up. You griping at her is only going to make it worse and she will push you away! Link to comment
markusG Posted November 22, 2007 Author Share Posted November 22, 2007 You gotta learn to trust her until you know for sure she has screwed up. You griping at her is only going to make it worse and she will push you away! Well one thing i found weird was when i asked on the phone what she missed and she said my eyes my touching my face sitting on the edge of the bed with me next to her hugging and holding her and bringing me a cup of ice cream with choic chips. Not all bad BUT ! We've spent over 2 months together and i cant really recall us sitting on the edge of the bed hugging to any great deal or effect at all ? unless my memories blank and like the ice cream was strawberry. And there didn't seem much empathy in her voice. I don't know ? she said she preffered to be more visual ! but it seemed not very descriptive for a woman ? And she asked why am i asking what she misses ? im very emotional and I value compassion and sensetivity. It's just little details that to me make something more special. And then she asked why am i doing this and asking her what she misses and being emotional ? I was actualy genuinely wanting to feel closer on the phone being so far apart and share some level of intimacy but it felt lacking ? Link to comment
Papillion Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 My friend, i randomly highlighted a few bits from your post. I said it b4 and i say it again, all your problems are because of the distance and because you are apart. Everything about your posts jump out and scream to me that you are missing her. Simple as that, you are missing her. And thats when your mind starts running away with itself and creating all this paranoia and suspicion and throws up all these daft questions and what ifs. You read meanings into things that aren't really there. Bottom line - LDR's suck ****. There is no subtitute for personal physical one-on-one-in-the-same-room contact. You can see, touch, smell and read your partner. You can make love to reinforce and confirm your feelings for each other. And most importantly you can communicate. You get the body language and the facial expressions, all the subtle nuances that come with communicating in person. I just dont think you are suited to a LDR. I think its nothing more sinister than that. Link to comment
servedcold Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 I wouldn't be comfortable with men staying in my GF's apartment for extended periods and doing dating type things, especially if we were involved in a LDR. Like Papillon says, LDRs suck. People involved in a LDR owe each other a higher duty to behave in a way that doesn't leave room for the kinds of doubts you have. If they can't agree to this higher standard of behavior, they should call things off until they can be non-LDR. I don't think your GF is behaving in an acceptable manner. At the very least, going forward, she should know better than to allow overnight male guests in her small apartment. If she persists in this behavior, I'd have to ask if she respects you and the relationship... How would she feel if the roles were reversed, and you had overnight female friends doing datey things with them? I don't know many women who would even begin to tolerate this, especially in a LDR... Link to comment
markusG Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 Well that was my argument but all she does is blame me for being jealous and blah blah. I do think she didnt have to tell me though either but ya know. I flatly agreed to stop gong out clubbing with my buddies and mail her daily to say i was up back from work doing stuff for clients so she knew i was doing my bit. its weird all the things that didnt matter before dating get to become a major issue once it continues in love. Thing is WE DO LOVE each other. I jokingly said in retunr im going out before i fly over as the girls in the pub are having a party and she went MENTAL at me and lost it. All i tried saying to her was could she understand my feelings at being so far away and that its a HUGE Test for me. Obviously if i was there and when i am its all cool. I also think we get set in our ways as singles as we get older and then our worlds are suddenly intruded and we possibly forget that the other person cares so much and continue to think we're single being apart. I just siad I dont accept it if i dont know they guy ? If i knew them well and stuff it wouldnt be such a worry as you know the deal. I guess as well though I shouldnt carry past baggage and think everyones the same. My last GF slept with my best mate while i was at work. And i trusted her completely !!!! Link to comment
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