Why are women on line so rude ?

[JadedStar]

I agree with you generally, OP. Not going to say more and get into a sexist rant, but LOL at some of the excuses for this offered by the women in this thread... I doubt OP is sending out naked pics of himself to these women. Have experienced the same thing, often when THEY initiate contact with ME.

 

Jaded, we aren't talking "super courtesy" here, but basic human decency and manners, and women fail miserably at it online generally other than havens of thoughtful people like ENA. Who knows why, maybe the anonymity of the internet...

 

And it's a copout to say it's part of the screening out process. Every single online dating service has two mouse click ways to let someone know you aren't interested...

 

i always respect your opinion but I honestly believe people with my mindset are not hurt by this and have a more realistic expectation of online dating. It does not share the same rules of face to face meeting.

 

The people I have seen who get the most upset with online dating are the ones who assume it mirrors meet ups in real life and who don't have a realistic expecation of it.

 

Cop out or not, its the norm. It's not face to face. It is nothing but a screening process. I say those who want to do online dating develop a thicker skin and fast or it will devastate them if they expect a nice little turn down letter every time a woman loses interest.

 

Now once you meet face to face the rules change. It is courtesy to let them know if you want to move forward or not after that point, even if just a quick email to say "sorry i didn't feel the connection was there, but it was nice to meet you. Good luck in your dating search"

[servedcold]

Don't get me wrong, I am happy with the results of online dating, and generally meet cool women that way. I still maintain, though, that dropping contact totally, after a certain point of communication, is rude when a one liner brushoff would accomplish the same thing with courtesy and tact. People "chicken out" and take the easy path in real life also, male and female, but I still say the standard of conduct of many women online is especially rude. It leaves guys hanging wondering, when they would happily move on to the next prospect if they had been told "no dice" politely.

[Batya33]

I agree with you generally, OP. Not going to say more and get into a sexist rant, but LOL at some of the excuses for this offered by the women in this thread... I doubt OP is sending out naked pics of himself to these women. Have experienced the same thing, often when THEY initiate contact with ME.

 

Jaded, we aren't talking "super courtesy" here, but basic human decency and manners, and women fail miserably at it online generally other than havens of thoughtful people like ENA. Who knows why, maybe the anonymity of the internet...

 

And it's a copout to say it's part of the screening out process. Every single online dating service has two mouse click ways to let someone know you aren't interested...

 

For me safety is more important than courtesy and to me if someone e-mails me or winks at me once I feel no obligation to respond. I cancelled my membership over 2 years ago and apparently I have at least 50 e-mails in my inbox that as a non-member I cannot read or respond to (and do not care to read). The on line sites don't tell the sender that I am no longer a paying member so apparently I would be seen as "rude" for not responding.

 

I think it's a bit silly to call it "rude' not to respond to a first e-mail from a stranger. I don't respond to catcalls on the street from strangers either. I've been "burned" enough on line by responding with a "thanks not interested" and then asked for a more detailed response, or sent rude e-mails back that it's not worth it. I contacted many men on line and if there was no response I did not find it rude.'

 

After exchanging a few e-mails I would not respond further if I was uncomfortable with the e-mail - I put safety and comfort above "manners" in that situation.

[Luke Skywalker]

As a rule of thumb, I follow the three day rule, if someone doesn't reply to my email within three days after they receive it (if it's known the mail is read), or within three days after I send it (if the date is unknown when it's read), then by default they have said "not interested, or very low interest level, send another email only if you feel a very strong connection with their profile".

 

If I'm really into the girl and feel a connection with their profile enough to give it another go, then I may send another email to try and elicit another response. If after a second and third email they still do not respond (assuming they dont block you) then it's safe to move on (likely they will respond, not interested if you send three emails).

 

Example of a follow-up email for a strong connection:

"Hi, I noticed you have not replied to my initial email, I guess you have either been really busy or forgot to reply back to my email. Well, just checking to see how you are doing. I really feel a connection with your profile and was hoping that maybe you would consider giving this a chance as you never know where it may go. Look forward to hearing from you. Bye."

 

If you dont feel a strong connection where you wouldn't mind sending an email like that - then of course, move on to another person because they have replied in a sense by not replying by default process (3 days for a default).

[Batya33]

In my profile I wrote "I date people not profiles." I would have found it odd to hear that someone felt a "strong connection" to my "profile." A second e-mail a few days later would have been "ok" just to make sure there wasn't a problem with e-mail but the whole "maybe you are busy" and "strong connection" language would have been a turn off to me.

[JadedStar]

This is exactly what I am saying as well.

 

I guess if you have been corresponding with someone a good amount of time and decide it isn't working a one line email to say something about it not working is fine, but i find it silly to hold people to this you have not met yet.

[Batya33]

This is one reason why I kept the e-mails limited until we met in person.

 

One time however we decided not to meet - he decided but I had decided because my friend, "F" had told me that he had been very rude when they met and I was sensing that potential on our phone calls (and then he cancelled last minute and was rude about it).

 

I wrote an e-mail (which I regret a bit) that said that I was glad we weren't meeting because a friend of mine had met him and found him rude.

 

He replied something to the effect of "You talked to Sally??"

 

(but my friend's name wasn't Sally.) ;-)

[servedcold]

After exchanging a few e-mails I would not respond further if I was uncomfortable with the e-mail - I put safety and comfort above "manners" in that situation.

 

Lots of straw man arguments in this thread. This, and the other examples in your post, are not what the OP is talking about. First, guys who email women who haven't logged into their account in some time shouldn't expect any response. Second, match and the other services all have very easy "not interested" response buttons that many women don't even bother to use. Third, though the "safety and comfort" excuse is specious in light of the blind nature of the emailing and anonymity on sites, even assuming it's a valid issue, this isn't the issue the OP raises.

 

Are you obligated to respond to the typical, "hey you're hot" mail or the form letter? Of course not. Is it rude to initiate or respond to a mail, to enter a conversation on a dating site, then just disappear for whatever reason? in some cases no, but in a majority, yes it is. People deserve basic courtesy, even where the anonymity of the internet is concerned.

[Luke Skywalker]

In my profile I wrote "I date people not profiles." I would have found it odd to hear that someone felt a "strong connection" to my "profile." A second e-mail a few days later would have been "ok" just to make sure there wasn't a problem with e-mail but the whole "maybe you are busy" and "strong connection" language would have been a turn off to me.

 

When you say just to make sure there wasn't a problem with e-mail, what do you mean by that? Do you mean if the first email was trasmitted was received?

[Luke Skywalker]

Are you obligated to respond to the typical, "hey you're hot" mail or the form letter? Of course not. Is it rude to initiate or respond to a mail, to enter a conversation on a dating site, then just disappear for whatever reason? in some cases no, but in a majority, yes it is. People deserve basic courtesy, even where the anonymity of the internet is concerned.

 

I know what you are saying since lots of times I initiate a well thought out or written out email, and it simply doesn't get replied to or I dont get a response back at least being couteous to the time out of the day being spent to draft up an email where you are legitimately trying to break the ice, find common ground in their profile and start to get a conversation going.

 

So, the only solution to this is to write more generic emails to reach more people and see who responds, which is actually less likely to get a response, but if people just dont show courtesy and respect for people who have taken the time to try and connect with them, then obviously, less effort is going to be expended trying to make up emails.

 

It's not like you are putting anyone on the spot to decide if they like you or not - but at least give it a chance with a few email exchanges if someone is sincerely trying to connect with you. Sometimes even a few exchanges with a nice connection, where you learn something new, is good enough if there is really no compatability or mutual interests to take it any further.

 

But on the other hand, if someone is not interested in you and says, 'thank you for writing this email, but I'm not interested", then I dont see how that's going to make my day any better because at the end of the day it's still a rejection, whether it's a courtesy reply or if there is no reply.

[JadedStar]

It is nice that you wrote out such a heartfelt initial email, but there is no obligation for you to get a response.

 

Women get many many emails on those sites, they don't have to write a "thank you for writing this email but i am not interested at this time" reply.

And you are right, you won't likely feel ANY better about it if they did.

[Batya33]

I mean if there was a technical problem on the site and you follow up with "not sure if you received this"

 

I log in occasionally to check out profiles on behalf of friends, so someone might email me and think I am "active" (my profile is hidden but apparently people who viewed me before I was hidden can still 'see" me if they know my log in name). so, that may be the case - women who log in for reasons other than looking to date.

 

And, no, it's not anonymous. My photo was up there. There were several occasions where I or friends of mine saw people we knew only from their photos out at social events or were recognized and silence in response to one e-mail could mean I never received it while a response saying "I'm not interested" might provoke an angry response on email or in person if they had a weird or "off" profile.

 

I don't think courtesy requires replying to a complete stranger if one is not interested, just like I don't think I need to respond to someone who I meet for 45 minutes for coffee who asks me out again if my response is going to be "thanks but I am not interested." Most often, I did respond but sometimes I didn't.

 

And, no, I don't like the emails or calls that say "thanks but I'm not interested/don't think we're a match/don't want to see you again because we didn't click. After one coffee meeting, silence is perfectly fine with me as a clear message of "I'm not interested" and I found the emails explaining "why" he wasn't calling again when he said he would or why he didn't like my profile verging on presumptuous/arrogant that I would "need" a response in order to feel not "rejected."

 

We just have a different definition of "manners" and mine does not include any obligation in the name of "courtesy" to respond to a complete stranger who e-mails me.

[Luke Skywalker]

It is nice that you wrote out such a heartfelt initial email, but there is no obligation for you to get a response.

 

The irony is you are more likey to get a response if you say something that's rude or negative to the profile that you are writing to. (i.e. Nice profile picture - was that a few years ago before you gained wait? You girls are all playing games on here, show the real up to date picture, etc....)

 

I remember one lady complained with one 'neg' attempt that if I had a nice initial letter that she would have replied back since I took the time to write the email - but I knew that was pure and absolute BS. But that's another story.

 

Women get many many emails on those sites, they don't have to write a "thank you for writing this email but i am not interested at this time" reply.

And you are right, you won't likely feel ANY better about it if they did.

 

I doubt they get many, many emails that are well thought out letters - but all just the same, a rejection is a rejection at the end of the day. When a woman reads an email, the first thing she usually looks at is the profile, and then she makes a decision from that point if she's going to reply to the email or not. I've been doing my own tracking and that seems to be the result. If a woman isn't responding, it's probably a profile issue coupled with a probable failure to make an emotional connection with the email.

[Batya33]

I never felt rejected when someone told me he wasn't interested on a dating site. We'd never met, we'd never even e-mailed beyond my initial expression of interest and his rejection (or non-response) so there was no reason for me to feel rejected just because - worst case scenario - he didn't find me attractive. Big deal.

[Fritz The Cat]

On a related note, what kind of dialog will keep a woman's interest? Obviously, on line anyway, women don't want men to be themselves. So who or what do they want them to be?

 

I'm just trying to learn how to play the game.

[servedcold]

On a related note, what kind of dialog will keep a woman's interest? Obviously, on line anyway, women don't want men to be themselves. So who or what do they want them to be?

 

I'm just trying to learn how to play the game.

 

Don't have a dialog at all. If they respond to the first email, reply briefly and ask for their phone number, and offer yours also in case they aren't comfortable giving theirs out yet. Chat for a bit on the first call and ask them out immediately. This approach will get you out of "online rude woman" world and at least personal enough so that they -might- show some class and manners.

 

Will say one thing for the female net daters, once I get to the date phase, I've never had a single woman stand me up, nor have any of them been more than 15 minutes late for the date. Most were significantly better looking than their profile pictures. Out of 20 or so dated over the last two years (two exclusive relationships during that time or would be higher), about 5 have nixed me after the first date, 5 I have nixed, 3-4 tapered off after a couple dates, and dated the rest varying from 5 dates to 10 months.

[servedcold]

Oh, and my last reply on internet rudeness. Use the not interested button. Despite all the waffling and straw man excuses in this thread, there is absolutely no reason not to.

 

And Batya, IMO, we all owe a duty of basic courtesy to every human we interact with on a normal basic level whether it's online or in person. When a woman signs onto a dating service, it is reasonable to presume she is there to MEET MEN. If a man attempts to meet her in a respectful way with a well thought-out letter, and she isn't interested, she should say so briefly and both should move on. Through much experience, I know this is not how it works, and the OP is right in raising this legitimate issue.

 

I accept that you don't feel this way... most women don't, hence the disagreement.

[JadedStar]

Now see, I am different in that no way am I calling a guy after one email. I am not much of a phone person anyway and i'd want at least a few emails and IM chats before i felt comfortable chatting with him on the phone. Those emails and chats will help me with my screening process to see if he is worth my time, or me worth his, for a phone conversation. I'd like to get to know him at least a little bit online first because otherwise phone convos can be awkward wtih a stranger. For me anyway, but then again i hate the phone even with friends. It is not my preferred mode of communication. Face to face or internet are what i feel comfortable with and i might not be compatible with a guy who liked to talk on the phone a lot. I am also well aware that he is also doing his own screening process with me and i'm ok with that. This is when you figure out if the little things are compatible.

 

I'd be put off if he asked for my phone number after the first email exchange.

 

And guys, this is not a female thing. Many men have the same philosophy that if a woman replies to his profile and hers is not interesting for any reason he doesn't respond either.

[servedcold]

I'd be put off if he asked for my phone number after the first email exchange.

 

 

This is understandable. Forgot to mention that I put in my profile that I'm interested in meeting people, not being a penpal, and that a woman who responds to my email should be willing to meet fairly quickly. My profile is highly detailed, accurate, and describes me to a "t." Have never had a woman who replies not be willing to give me her number after the initial two emails (100% actually), and have never had a woman refuse a date after the first phone call (also 100%). Those parts of the process work well and have no complaints about manners and courtesy.

 

I ask women to use the "not interested" button in my profile, and state that it doesn't bother me at all if they do so. Moreover I ask them again in the first email to use the button. After much practice, my initial response rate is up over 30%. I never mail women who don't log on every day, and ask twice for them to use the reject button if they have no interest. As batya points out, there are nonsubscriber issues in that they can't respond if not subscribed, but I feel I get rid of most of this by watching the profiles I have interest in before mailing to see that they are very active in logging on frequently.

 

The clincher is that of the many emails I've sent online, only about 20% of the women who don't reply use the "not interested" button after being asked in a polite, humorous way to do so TWICE. There are several possible reasons for this, 1) they might be moderately interested and are waiting for a second email before replying; 2) they might be interested, but just get bogged down and intend to reply but don't; 3) they decide they aren't interested based on my photo, but never even bother to look at the profile, and don't bother to respond, thinking they aren't obligated to.

 

They surely aren't obligated to look at the profile or respond with a personal email, but I feel that because most of them are actively subscribing to a site to meet people, that they ARE obligated to use the not interested feature when asked to politely. I always use that feature when not interested. Rudeness is the only answer I can come up with, but I have a hard time believing the subscriber base is -that- rude. Could explain why some of them are on match to begin with as they have deficiencies in interpersonal skills.

 

And this is the third or fourth time I've brought up the simple "not interested" feature in the thread, and this point has been largely skirted around here. Why? It's a simple feature, the service ASKS members to use it, why do so many ignore it? I'd love to reach another conclusion than rudeness, but can't think what it might be...

[JadedStar]

And this is the third or fourth time I've brought up the simple "not interested" feature in the thread, and this point has been largely skirted around here. Why?

 

I have not elaborated on it because i have only used online dating very briefly in my life and don't even think the site i used had that. It was a few years ago as well.

[Blue Dreamer]

Many others have observed this to, it's not just me. you connect with a woman on line, you exchange 3 or 4 emails and she just abandons the exchange. No explanation, no goodbye, kiss my butt or anything else. Just utter and total silence.

 

My question is, WHY ?????

 

In regard to the OP, you have to realize that perceptions of reality change over time. You can question all you want, but it will not be productive. Move on with your life.

 

Respect for others, particularly on-line, is not perceived as it used to be by the masses. Your competition for connection on-line may consist of many asses who have minimal respect for women yet initially sell themselves as genuine male beings.

 

As a result, you have to expect abnormal action and reaction from females. If you make one false move, you may or may not be rejected as a "failure" along the "line of potential males" due to another's perceived inadequacy.

 

The on-line matching process is in so many ways a game. The ticket is to understand all possibilities. It's like playing poker. You have to be willing to accept all that may or may not be thrown at you in the on-line dating experience.

[princess_summer_blue84]

well not all of us women are rude! Some of u men are rude as well !

[Blue Dreamer]

well not all of us women are rude! Some of u men are rude as well !

 

I believe the masses of women are very respectful beings.

[princess_summer_blue84]

I believe the masses of women are very respectful beings.

 

Thank You! At least some of u men understands US WOMEN.

[Blue Dreamer]

Thank You! At least some of u men understands US WOMEN.

 

 

You are welcome. That is reality. I truly feel the mass of what is portrayed on-line does not actually represent reality. The on-line experience can be an excellent experience when the connecting operatives (male, female) connect on positive intentions and perceptions of reality. That is very rare realistically. Experiences effect perception always.