Out of practice -don't want to mess this up

[Cindersam]

It's been 7 years since I've been on the dating scene. I have been on an online dating site for almost 6 months now. I finally "met" someone that I am very interested in and don't want to blow it. We are just talking on line right now.

 

I want him to know how interested I am without seeming desperate or pushy. I want to sound interesting enough so he will want to get to know me better. So far the "conversations" have been kind of short and just basic what are you doing this weekend type thing.

 

What are good / appropriate things to talk about to get to know him better but not push it too far too soon? What shouldn't I talk about? Should I always wait for him to reply before I send another message? So far one of us has messaed the other almost everyday.

 

Any suggestions would be appreciated. It's taken a year since my break up to finally be interested in someone and I would like to give it the best chance I can.

[Cindersam]

By the way, we're both in our 40's if that make's a difference.

[Batya33]

I met over 100 people in person through on line dating and had a decent track record as far as men interested in dating me and in a serious relationship with me. I did on line dating from about ages 34-38 or so.

 

After one or two e-mails I would write "I much prefer talking to typing to see if it makes sense to meet - do you have a phone number where I can reach you?" I didn't want to give out my (private) number right away so I preferred to make the call.

 

Then, I would call and we would talk for about 20 minutes. I was very good at listening and screening to make sure that this was someone I could see myself comfortable with meeting in a public place for 45 minutes. If after the 20 minute phone call and my hinting that I needed to wind it down he did not suggest meeting in person, I would say "it was lovely to talk to you and i'd be up for meeting if you are." There were exceptions - if he had to get off the phone to attend to something, if he was about to go out of town and preferred to talk when he returned, if he wanted to talk "one more time" before planning to meet, that was fine.

 

I did not consider a first meeting a date. I also did not consider the purpose of my time on the dating site to type to a complete stranger for longer than a few emails or to talk to him more than once or twice prior to meeting in person ASAP. I had plenty of friends and acquaintances, had e-mail buddies/penpals and I found it suspicious if a man on a dating site did not want to meet in person for 45 minutes for a drink or a walk (not a date, not a full evening or day) fairly soon after being in contact by a few emails and phone calls. I did find that the men who wanted to chat about "how was your day" on IM were either attached, not that into meeting me, not that into meeting people in person, etc.

 

I also wanted to avoid getting attached to an on line persona which only adds pressure when you meet to "click."

 

 

I did make one exception where we both had busy schedules and where he just cracked me up so much on IM I didn't mind - and we knew people in common and it was clear we were going to meet in person.

 

I don't think it's desperate or pushy at all to suggest meeting in person (although the majority of men suggested meeting me after that first phone call)- what else is the point of a dating site? I do think it's odd to want to type and talk to a complete stranger for weeks or longer prior to meeting - especially since, for purposes of romantic compatibility - you will find that there are so many things you cannot know from typing and talking that have to do with clicking - so rather than wasting all that time on trivial niceties and "chatting" - just meet for 45 minutes in a public place during the day if you have any safety qualms whatsoever (if you have a real sense of a safety issue from what the guy says, etc then of course don't meet at all!)

 

good luck.

[kevinm]

My fiance and I met on-line and we talked and talked via e-mail for months. Since she has a young toddler, I work 14hrs a day, and the time difference was 3 hours we felt that e-mail was the best form of communication. We did not talk on the phone at all, and after a while that was part of the excitement. What would her voice sound like? How does she laugh? After a few months we decided to meet. I booked a plane, we met, spent the weekend together, really hit it off, and now plans are in the works for me to move. My point is that what works for one person, may not work for another. Just do what you guys feel is right.

 

As far as what to say... well you've got to put yourself out there a little bit. It's scary because you don't know how that other person will react, but I assure you when you do click it's amazing and beautiful.

 

Good luck to you.

[Batya33]

I didn't get involved in long distance and found, time and time again, that meeting in person, and soon, was essential - sure it can work out in person just like any relationship can but the information based on typing has so little relevance to the "click" in person that to me it's mostly a waste of time. For long distance if that is the only way, fine, but I would suggest focusing first on your own geographic area.

 

Also, if the man is in your area (and thereforeeee no geographical obstacles to meeting), if he insists on typing and talking for months I would take that as a red flag.

[Cindersam]

Thanks Batya and Kevinm. I undertand what both of you are saying and I appreciate your advice.

 

About 5 days ago he said he thought it might be better if we talked on the phone instead of E-Mailing so I sent him my phone number. Then I don't hear from him for 3 days so I decided to send a quick message asking how his week was. He sent a message back saying he had a long week, that he had to work Saturday (which he usually doesn't) and that he has plans with his kids on Sunday. I understand being busy so I'm o.k. with not being in contact for a few days.

 

I guess I just want to know if he is interested or not but I don't want to be pushy about it. I think maybe since I gave him my phone number and sent an E-Mail a few days after that I should just wait for him to do something. I'm not really sure why he would ask for my number and then not use it. Maybe I am just being impatient. I know he's been busy.

 

Part of me thinks that my E-Mails are kind of dull. I'm not really sure what to write about other than what I have been doing, asking him what he has been doing, about his kids, etc. I would like to get a little more personal but I'm not really sure if that would be pushing it. What did you "talk" about when you first started E-mailing?

[Batya33]

I also would not be thrilled with the not calling. Usually, the first email referenced something in his profile and then, if the response was positive, my response was to write "I much prefer talking to typing as a way to see if makes sense to meet in person. Do you have a phone number I can reach you at?"

 

I remember several times exchanging long lovely emails with a man only to get on the phone and it was awful - pulling teeth, dull, etc.

 

When I did email more than once or twice we discussed common interests, current events, things we were doing (such as what shows/plays we'd seen, etc).

 

I would leave the ball in his court and assume that he is also emailing with, calling and meeting other women too. That's another reason to meet soon - if he meets someone he clicks with he will be less motivated to keep in touch with someone he's never met even if he is not ready to be exclusive with any one person.

[Cindersam]

Thanks! I didn't think of it that way. So should I ask if he wants to meet or just wait and see?

[Batya33]

I would say something like "I've really been enjoying this e-mailing but I don't have a lot of time to e-mail -- if you want to continue this conversation in person over coffee, I'd be up for it - just give me a call."

[Aurian]

There are quite a few daters out there who seem to want a pen-pal, but not an actual girlfriend to date. They might be too shy to ask out an obviously interested woman (in which case, that IS too shy), enjoying having the attentions of a woman but no work or committment at all, or is keeping you on the back burner "just in case."

 

So when I was doing online dating, I kinda gave things a reasonable time frame (a week or two) and made hints that I would like to do something offline and meet them in person. If they didn`t take the hint I just dropped off after awhile.

 

Some claimed to be too busy to even make a plan, but I also dropped off from those - if you`re too busy at work to date, then what are you doing on a dating site? I kinda assumed they would either be too busy for a proper relationship or they were busy with lots of women! One generally gets a lot of attention at the beginning of a relationship and it drops a bit as people get comfortable with each other, and I like a LOT of attention! If someone doesn`t seem interested in me or giving me attention or time, then I feel like we would be incompatible there too.

 

I never did the phone thing because I am deaf and don`t use one. Instead, I used MSN for that "conversation" that Batya does instead. If they can`t handle a conversation, then there would be a problem. I don`t expect great essays or witty MSN stuff - not everyone is comfortable online (just like not everyone is comfortable on a phone), but I should still be engaged and interested, not bored to tears by teeth-pulling conversations or being ignored when the guy asked me to chat in the first place.

 

I met my current guy online. We emailed back and forth a LOT and it was easy to talk to him. It was easy to talk to him on MSN too. He gave me a lot of attention and asked me out within the week and continued emailing and chatting to me up until the day of the date (one guy dropped out of sight after he "secured" a date - I felt like he just wanted a "date" and not "me"). A guy should be eager to meet you and see if you have something good. Delays aren`t so good.

[kevinm]

Bottom line Cindersam is that what you feel is right is right. For me, us, it was emailing and then meeting up in person. We also did the instant messaging thing, well as close as we could, she was not set up for it but we emailed back and forth quite rapidly while on the computer at the same time. And we even exchanged phone numbers, I offered first and she did not call. So during one of our e-mail chats I asked why and she sent me her number. Then we both kind of decided that we wanted to hear each others voices for the first time in person, face to face. We exchanged pictures too of ourselves and family. We talked about our history (aka baggage) and discussed everything from spirituality to philosophy, related child hood stories, just the normal things people talk about when discovering each other. When the time came to meet I took some time off work and bought a plane ticket, arranged for a house sitter and flew out to meet her. I had fears of what she would be like, and if she would even show up to meet me. But she was there to meet me, we hit it off, and now we're planning our future together. It's not to say that we haven't had a few bumps in the road, most relating to time/distance problems. But both of us are mature enough and have a good sense of humor to not let the little things bother us.

 

You never know how things are going to work out. I think too many people have the idea that a relationship is something you do/create and then it's done. Then you can just sit back and enjoy. To me, a relationship, any relationship (friendship, co-worker, etc) all require devotion to make it a success.

 

Do what feels right Cindersam. We can all relate our experiences, but only you can decide on the next step forward.