So what stage are you in, how long has it been and how long was the relationship?

[Zeter]

...all she really did was think about it on her own and make a decision without ever really communicating her concerns to me before calling it quits.

As heartbreaking and unfair as it is, my research uncovered the secret Dumpers' Handbook, and it turns out this is standard operating procedure.

 

Zeter (somewhat biased dumpee)

[glimmerofhope]

I agree...I think it's fairly common for a dumper to fail to divulge their true reasons for ending the relationship. Again, what in hindsight frustrates me was her assertion that she believed she had done everything she could to make it work, when in fact she had done very little.

[need2bme]

When she dumped me, she told me she really tried to make it work. Looking back on it, all she really did was think about it on her own and make a decision without ever really communcating her concerns to me before calling it quits.

 

Glimmer: That is exactly what I thought. I actually wrote a letter, but never sent it and in it I wrote, "if you would have told me just once that you were scared, maybe we could have worked on it. If nothing else, you could have told me how you felt and we could have spared all of this."

 

Now, to be honest, I AM REALLY trying to think of how scared my ex must have been, to realize she had to make so much more out of a relationship than she was ready for.

 

My friend thinks that she just was not going to and once it got heavy she couldn't use me as a crutch and bailed, because she NEVER had any intention of staying and when I demanded more by my actions (not yelling or talking - just getting closer to her and her kids), she decided to let me go.

 

Well, I have to believe that not all of what I saw was fake, because that would make me a gullible idiot, wouldn't it?

[need2bme]

Glimmer: Brother, everything you said just now is very much the same. The only difference is that I have my own apartment and I am in college just not studying to be an attorney.

 

My family is on the other coast. My kids live a good 9 hr drive away.

 

I lost a wonderful woman, (or so we thought, right?) and the wonderful chance to have a family again. But, ya know what, I wasn't in it as long as you and I am sorry you have to go through all of this.

 

BELIEVE ME when I tell you this, I DO know how you feel. I know that is not much consolation, but I do.

 

I wrote somewhere on here, about how much I was thinking Christmas would be with her and I would see my kids and they could get to know her, etc., but that isn't going to happen.

 

So, I have to look at it like this....I have to...I am a good man...I am a good enough person that my kids call me just to horse around or talk to me.....I am a good enough person that I help others and I know, I know, I can be better...I know there is someone out there for me....I don't want someone who can throw me away without trying.....

 

I don't know if I would talk to her if she called EVER, but I do know I deseve to be treated better than so much trash....

[glimmerofhope]

Thanks, N2BM. And hang in there, pal. I'm sorry for your pain. I just hope for us that we can regain the trust to try this whole thing again. I, like you, am trying to convince myself to believe. Maybe I'll have an easier time of it post-holidays.

[need2bme]

Glimmer: Thanks man. I know we are bogarting the thread.

 

I just realized something and want to admit to all that even though I have written so much about what she did that was hurtful and bad, I just remembered something that wasn't so bad, in fact, in made me think of something quite differently.....something to think about...

[bluestar]

Im 2.5 months into the split.

The initial acute pain stuff has gone. I can eat now, I'm sleeping more or less ok. I'm functioning and there are times (I'm talking hours) when I feel ok, more than ok, happy. But the underlying sorrow I feel that something that good has gone is just woeful.

[ellestar]

...

When she dumped me, she told me she really tried to make it work. Looking back on it, all she really did was think about it on her own and make a decision without ever really communcating her concerns to me before calling it quits.

yup, standard operating procedure. my ex said pretty much the exact same thing. if they really wanted to make it work out, they would have let us in on their concerns, right? yes, they would have, but all it boils down to is that they just wanted out and that even though they may have loved us enough to try, they chose the easiest and cowardliest way out. They ran from conflict. Simple as that.

[cabman]

yup, standard operating procedure. my ex said pretty much the exact same thing. if they really wanted to make it work out, they would have let us in on their concerns, right? yes, they would have, but all it boils down to is that they just wanted out and that even though they may have loved us enough to try, they chose the easiest and cowardliest way out. They ran from conflict. Simple as that.

 

My ex told me 3 weeks after the breakup that she has moved on. I asked her how could she have a 5-1/2 year relationship and move on in 3 weeks. She told me that she started seperating herself emotionally over the previous year!!!!!. My response:

 

If only I had known perhaps we could have corrected whatever the situation was.

[FeignedMischief]

I believe I am at the point where I know it's over and there is nothing else I can do. That make me extremely sad. I am 4 months into it after a 5-1/2 year relationship.

 

Same here cabman, it's been 4 months since he dumped me after 2 1/2 years of a LDR, and I am halfway between the depression and acceptance stage.

 

I think the dumper's have already separated themselves from us emotionally before the proper break up. I remember now that he tried to initiate mini-break ups 4 times in the last 7 months prior to the dumping and since he has had a lot of practice by then, it was easy for him to move on. Ouch.

[Pinchy31]

I am still in the early part of my break up, We have been together for 7.5 years and have been broken up for a month,

 

I still don't really know what is going on she says there are problems and she can't do it any more or something and i think that the problems need to be fixed not forgotten.

 

The problems are each others not our own to deal with by ourselves.

 

She says she needs to find herself, and she loves me but it is not enough.

 

This confuses me and i am not sure what to do, i want her back in my life but she wants time and i can't be with her if she doesn't want me, but 7.5 years is a long time and i feel like we should work on our problems, doesn't everyone have them or am i kidding my self and all other relationships are perfect?

 

She tells me there is no one else but maybe that is the problem, there is and this is the only way she feels to get rid of me.

 

She has given me little contact and doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all but she gives me the old lets be friends line and i feel hurt by that because i felt like we have always been the best friends.

 

We have been together for nearly a quarter of our lives and i can not figure out why she is quitting like this on our relationship.

 

My heart has broken - no destroyed

[cabman]

I know where you are now....I have been there. 7-1/2 years is a long time. I, like you, believe that problems can be worked out. Trouble is that this can only happen if both parties want to work it out.

[rsxguy520]

little over a year out of a 3.5 year relationship. what stage am i in? past healing stage, getting over stage, resentment stage, blah blah blah.

 

I'm basically at the stage were i began before i meet my ex stage. the happy stage. i guess NC worked for me. not for reconciliation purposes but to get me back on track, thank you Superdave and all i can say is, I'm happier than ever.

[glimmerofhope]

My ex told me 3 weeks after the breakup that she has moved on. I asked her how could she have a 5-1/2 year relationship and move on in 3 weeks. She told me that she started seperating herself emotionally over the previous year!!!!!. My response:

 

If only I had known perhaps we could have corrected whatever the situation was.

 

I am in the same predicament. She told me only at the very end that she had been unhappy for the last year of our relationship. I had sensed there were some problems, but she was adamant from day one that she was the type who did not give up on relationships when things got a little bumpy--she always spoke so critically of the whole greener pastures trend. She made herself out to be such a principled, high-minded person in this way, that I never thought for a second she would just end it on a dime one morning like she did. The issues of which I finally became apprised were things that could have so easily been remedied, had she but communicated them to me. Alas...

 

I find myself increasingly embittered by the fact that she has convinced herself she tried her very best to make things work, and in fact did nothing more than harbor resentment toward me for many months before finally erasing me from her life.

[love4life]

Been nearly 5 months since the break-up and nearly 3 of NC. I'm at the "I feel sorry for you and want to reach out" stage but, with the wise words of fellow eNA-ers, I'm resisting reaching out.

[need2bme]

Glimmer: Yep. I guess we do have a little bit in common. My ex went so far as to tell me that everything was going to be ok and that she still wanted to be with me and then a few days later, WHAM! Dropped like I was never even there.

 

My ex did the whole speech about trustng my gut and that when she loves, she "loves forever". So on and so on and so on.

 

I may have "fallen out of love or like" myself, but I never told someone it was going to be fine or it would work or don't worry and THEN bail.

 

Speaking of "erasing", that is what disturbs me the most. I will never understand how one can profess their love and seem to love so hard and then immediately ERASE someone as if they were never there.

 

Well, maybe it is the only way they can move on.....ARRGGHH!

[glimmerofhope]

Yeah...I wish I could do that whole "erasing" thing. I don't get people who have this ability to compartmentalize their feelings. I'm just not capable of it.

 

Even when I was the one calling it quits on a relationship, I never had the ability to just take all of those feelings, put them in a little mental box and tuck them away in some secluded confine of my brain, never to be addressed again. Must be nice, though--albeit a trifle sociopathic.

[Nixee]

 

Speaking of "erasing", that is what disturbs me the most. I will never understand how one can profess their love and seem to love so hard and then immediately ERASE someone as if they were never there.

 

Well, maybe it is the only way they can move on.....ARRGGHH!

 

 

I've been dealing with this issue for a few months now.... feeling erased... and replaced to top that off. It is the worst part for me. I don't really know how it is possible. One moment someone is there for you - practically your next of kin. Supporting you in everything, your partner. And then BAM! They are now that for someone else, and you may as well have never existed in their world.... how is such a thing possible?? How can you hold faith in anything after that?

[glimmerofhope]

Hence my biggest dilemma. Yes, I am still hurting about what I have lost. But I am equally, if not more concerned about carrying this into future relationships. My ex was a person I never would have guessed to just give up and move on so seamlessly. Who's to say this will not happen again and again?

 

I guess that's the risk you take with love. Sometimes people do things that are out of character or do not make sense, and that might mean you get your heart broken.

 

Right now, I am unconvinced that I will be willing to ever again submit myself to the possibility of this kind of torment.

[Wandering_Sword]

Together for two years and it will be one year this Thursday since we broke up. I feel like a new man (or the old me again) and I can take on the world again. The sun is extra bright and each new day holds promise and adventure. I can't believe I was in such doldrums last year.

[Nixee]

I see you fit right into my shoes glimmer. Not that comfy, are they?

 

But give it time.... hopefully you will find some middle ground. That is what I am working on.

 

I doubt that I will ever love in quite that same way again, or have nearly as much faith in another person without looking out for myself, but I am already working on letting another person in. It is different, and I know it will always be different, but that doesn't mean it isn't good or doesn't have value. It just means that I am changed now.

[-BK-]

Hence my biggest dilemma. Yes, I am still hurting about what I have lost. But I am equally, if not more concerned about carrying this into future relationships. My ex was a person I never would have guessed to just give up and move on so seamlessly. Who's to say this will not happen again and again?

 

I guess that's the risk you take with love. Sometimes people do things that are out of character or do not make sense, and that might mean you get your heart broken.

 

Right now, I am unconvinced that I will be willing to ever again submit myself to the possibility of this kind of torment.

 

Dude, I am in the same stage that you are. I truly am worried about my future. I am probably not 100% over the denial that it's over, but I've come a long way. I still wonder what will/could happen. And I know that if she called to reconcile, I'd have to give her a chance to explain. I was under the impression that things were fine (maybe my fault), but I was hit with a huge bat one day when she broke up with me. I'm going through all this pain for a reason, I hope. I hope it's to make sure that I can trust and love again. I know too many people that never are able to open themselves up again to a love, and that would be sad to me if that happened. I love who I am as a person, but I come from a great family and would like to see myself part of the next generation of family. So... I have to learn how to trust again.

 

Together for two years and it will be one year this Thursday since we broke up. I feel like a new man (or the old me again) and I can take on the world again. The sun is extra bright and each new day holds promise and adventure. I can't believe I was in such doldrums last year.

 

Here is my question. Many people on here recover and don't really come back. I think that's great. It means they healed enough to move forward and don't really need to support group. Why are you here still? I think it's great, but I'm wondering what you are getting from it at this point? I hope that doesn't sound like a rude question.

[need2bme]

I've been dealing with this issue for a few months now.... feeling erased... and replaced to top that off. It is the worst part for me. I don't really know how it is possible. One moment someone is there for you - practically your next of kin. Supporting you in everything, your partner. And then BAM! They are now that for someone else, and you may as well have never existed in their world.... how is such a thing possible?? How can you hold faith in anything after that?

 

Nixee: I hear ya. If I were totally honest though, I will tell you that I dated a girl I thought I really liked and then figured out I didn't. I can blame it on the fact that she could just be rude, or the fact that I was still not healed from my long-term ex OR that I was simply using her and did not mean to (I sincerely felt that I liked her in that way). At any rate, I just let that fizzle out.

 

So, I kinda got paid back. HOWEVER, NEVER once did I tell the girl I was seeing that I LOVED her, nor did I EVER say AN"YTHING about being her boyfriend or exclusivity.

 

I am not stating I am perfect, I am simply stating I did not say ALL the things to this girl, that my ex said to me, NOR did I get anywhere near as serious with this girl as my ex did with me.

 

I did not continue trying to be in a relationship that was not going to work and I did not tell her that I still wanted to be with her. My ex did.

 

I understand, but I really thought we were working on something good.

 

Hence my biggest dilemma. Yes, I am still hurting about what I have lost. But I am equally, if not more concerned about carrying this into future relationships. My ex was a person I never would have guessed to just give up and move on so seamlessly. Who's to say this will not happen again and again?

 

I guess that's the risk you take with love. Sometimes people do things that are out of character or do not make sense, and that might mean you get your heart broken.

 

Right now, I am unconvinced that I will be willing to ever again submit myself to the possibility of this kind of torment.

 

Glimmer: I understand. I worry mostly about how I will act or how I will intrepret things. I do know this, when it was GOOD between the ex and I, I never felt so alive or loved, in my life. So, I do know that I will enjoy that again and if I can weed out the bad stuff or the bad relationships this time, can you imagine how good it will feel.

 

That alone, makes me want to try again. Not that I won't be gun-shy, which is why I am waiting...oh yeah, that and I still love the ex. ;-)

 

Dude, I am in the same stage that you are. I truly am worried about my future. I am probably not 100% over the denial that it's over, but I've come a long way. I still wonder what will/could happen. And I know that if she called to reconcile, I'd have to give her a chance to explain. I was under the impression that things were fine (maybe my fault), but I was hit with a huge bat one day when she broke up with me. I'm going through all this pain for a reason, I hope. I hope it's to make sure that I can trust and love again. I know too many people that never are able to open themselves up again to a love, and that would be sad to me if that happened. I love who I am as a person, but I come from a great family and would like to see myself part of the next generation of family. So... I have to learn how to trust again.

 

BK: Use it too, to learn about yourself. My ex and I were out of control. It is a good thing she stopped it. I have to wake up myself and do the things that will make me a better person.

 

As far as trusting...hmmm...I did not trust before I met her and found it hard to trust her at times. Sure, she made me feel at times as if I had to worry, but most of the mistrust came from me.

[Crows]

About 9 weeks since we broke up.

 

I am in the stage of feeling alot better than I did before. Alot of anger right now. I'm not really dwelling on things I regret I did anymore (which was the absolute worst stage and me pathetically trying to keep contact with her)

 

I know she has a new bf etc.. took her forever to tell me but I know this now and it gave me some calm for some reason. She'sbeing really nice to me latley.

[vpoohb66]

5 months after a 10 yr marriage, he left me for someone else. Am currently dating someone I met about 3 weeks ago, still have thoughts of the ex, but there are more days now that I dont.