The Story of a Man

[BYOB]

First, I invite you to send me private message of comments, questions and encouragements. I would love to receive some.

 

I feel like I want to talk. In life, everyone wants to speak of themselves. So many blogs were created for that purpose. Well, I'm not interested to let anyone know my ups and downs because it could hurt me, but I feel like I can say anything with a journal like this one.

 

I often ask myself questions, like what's the meaning of life? I agree that to succeed in life, one must show the best of himself at all times. No time for griefs, losses, depression. No way, one must be ''perfect''. Well, I ain't. And I want to share what I have in mind because I am that human like everyone. And I often think I'm too different to live well like others. It's all false, I'm pretty aware of that, but I want to share my experiences in life. I want to be alive and stop struggling trying to smother all of the sad moments that I live because I have nobody to tell them. And, when the time comes that I want to shout out loud what I think of something, someone, I will write it down here too.

 

Who am i? A man just like any other.

This is, everyone, the story of a man: me.

[BYOB]

A few years ago, I totally lacked of motivation, hence of discipline. I have attitude, no doubt about it. Nowadays, I do just about everything I fix myself to do in my day; which I wasn't able to do a while ago.

 

Man, today I did something completely astonishing. Was it too much ? I am still wondering. I have no idea. Maybe that it's a question of personality. I am who I am.

 

I have this work at school that's to be done in teams of two. At first, I was alone. I wanted to be with different people than with the people with who I had worked previously because they were lacking of discipline. They showed up late and didn't care enough to meet when we asked them to. Unreliable, I thought. After asking one guy who couldn't and seeing there was nobody left, I asked the teacher with who I should be, then. She offered me to pair up with an absent student; a hot girl. I was impressed at first. How could *I* be working with *her*? Ha! No doubt: I felt that blood rush when I came to her and asked her to pair up with me. Going fastforward. The first week of work went well, although she is sick (has a mononucleosis) and that she expected to do just enough of the work. ''Just enough''. It killed me. Plus, I felt everything more intense in her presense. Well, that work is my life, my future. I see it as important as that. Should I have told her? I see it as my career.

 

At the beginning, I had sincerely thought of asking to date her. It made perfect sense that she was done for me. Oops. Today, we had classes and had to work on our project. We did so for half of the time allowed to it. I guess that she avoided working on it when she left for the break and didn't come back 15 min before the end of the classes. Ooookay. Can I count on you for our afternoon's meeting? I asked, just after leaving class, making sure that she remembered. Yes, I'll even show you what I've got that we need for the presentation, I was replyed. 15 min passed the meeting time, I randomly found her chatting with her friends.

 

Totally pissed off, man. "I've got much more to do and I will send you the work once it's done." (Now, get lost!) I left as fast as I came, asking myself if I believed what had just happened. Had I just rejected a girl I thought I could be dating? That's powerful, isn't it?

However, where is this work going to lead? I trust myself to make it be good in due time but...in the first place, have I been harsh? I mean I have been harsh, true. But was it under the fire of infatuation that I burned the whole thing?

 

I'll wait and see. Time will tell me and I'll learn.

 

(08-12 Edit: That girl had such an effect on you that you wouldn't know what to do with yourself in her company. Now, she's still the same but you're not at all. You can do whatever you want. Keep up the good work.)

[BYOB]

I think that the following post tells a bit more of myself as I went through a hard phase and put the fault on my parents too. The importance of this post is about the pain, the despair I feel through the author's writting. Been there.

 

I had nothing else than my life to lose. I gambled my life and I won. Next thing I knew was that I had something to lose. I lost it. I gambled my life again. And won. At one point, I found myself with many things. At another point, I realised how dear they were to me. And then, I started to live to hold them preciously.

 

(08-12 Edit: This kind of message always moves me. I can't believe our american society to be so cold in front of such situations. And don't get me wrong - everyone will tend to get moved but never enough to get that person out of his sh!t.)

[BYOB]

Sometimes I turn on the music so loud...Sometimes I shout! I shout so loud my happiness that there is no sound to be heard. It's all in my head. My headphones on, nobody hears me. I keep my joy hidden.

 

In a world of cruelty of pain of murder of sadism and lies, isn't it impressive to think that some of us have to keep their joy hidden not to disturb others?

It's easier to shut up.

Why?

Why?

 

Fvck you.

 

(08-12 Edit: That sums up very well my last thread in other ways. Sometimes people will even consider you as hindrance.)

[BYOB]

Her and I did our presentation and it was near perfect. We had some time to work on it before and I had such a great time. I made her laugh. She is so fun to laugh with. She was lovely.

 

Yet, she complained again while practicing. She's put on my fault forgetting some stuff I added from last version. She didn't stay up to date with me about the work. I think that if I remained silent, it was because I didn't want to yell at her. And if it was teasing, it wasn't appropriate. And if it's pure complaining, I can understand that she isn't interested in me as much as I am in her.

 

Ohhhh man, it felt so good to get along so well with her while it's so difficult to accept/understand her mysterious indifference.

 

Ohhhh, it's going to be so hard to relax thinking of her since I see her often. She's in the same program as I am.

 

Please help me. I need support. I can't stop thinking of her.

 

(08-12 Edit: Maybe in another couple of years - but no way before that... she's not mature.)

[BYOB]

This creation was done really quickly. The brain can hardly describe everything how fast it can think. It is unclear as to what it’s all about but that the brain thinks. For real? Yeah. In fact, it doesn’t need to tell itself what it knows very well. For the brain, a vague idea is a clear idea. That’s why a lot of things are referred to without mentioning them. Thus, it is very hard to follow.

 

When I’m hitting the lowest point of motivation, I feel like I lack of something. It makes me look for it. So I spend a lot of time to look for it, try to make myself feel better but as soon as I see a clean path, I realize that it’s shadowed. I have a shadow too. Unless there is no light. Every time I see a clean path, I see its dark side too. So I pick up another option, another solution. A more satisfying solution. Something that has a plus. Something that I can’t reach yet. Something that I realize that I can’t reach yet when I’ve been around too much time. That’s how I progress at these times. I face nothingness and turn around it to waste my time and feel even worse. Still looking for something else. Try, bang, doh, try, shoot, waste. Do I really want it to go that way or what is it that makes me deal that way? It must be that I am a very rational man but then it doesn’t make sense if I know that it’s wrong for me to do it. It’s a mixture which is harder to understand. It’s all about the brain and its functions. Is my brain functioning normally? I mean I can see people down but do they feel the same way I do? It seems that I would focus over unimportant stuff more than others. It seems that getting stucked is my favorite habit. “You like to play computer because you’re always around it. Isn’t that right?” No. First option is to change your daily habits. Physical activity helps. Whenever you think it doesn’t, it does. Always. So far! Right. Conclusion: getting at it won’t make *it* (the thought) go away. It only lasts less longer. It doesn’t go away. It lets you be okay for a moment. It won’t get away. You’ll only feel temporarily better. Get over it. You’re stucked, you end up thinking. I’ll make it. There must be another option. I don’t feel okay but I know it can be stopped and I know I can get back on my legs. So get another solution.

 

You get up, stand up, get up for your life and think. Which, actually draws you back to the starting point where you analyze everything. That’s smart. It’ll be better, so shut up and think. Maybe if I got convinced that everything was fine it would go fine. Try that! One day. I’m back to the starting point. A futile way to drop again, indeed. I got through enough during that day to get writing that up. Not much, but enough. I’m weaker, remember? I didn’t surrender though. No, not yet. That course was so useless I could have slept on my desk and could care less. You get the idea? Other than that, I’m feeling embarrassed. I didn’t! I mean I did it. But that wasn’t true one weak ago!

 

Flash. It all went through Monday. Monday are the days. Monday, okay? The very first Monday of that class, I ignited. I was on fire. The one after, I was excited and incredulous. The one after, I was frustrated and bittersweet. Then, I’ve hit a high. The very top high I could reach. It always goes like that. But at the very same time, I was hitting a down. Bittersweet. The high left me because it lasted a few hours. I dropped hard on the floor. After all, it’s all about the same. Thing. I’ve been going over it for a couple of months now and as if it could show how effective it was, I still didn’t get enough satisfactory results. Think about it; it made you all feel good and at the point that it takes the ultimate test, it fails. It FAILED. Right? Oh no don’t tell me that yet because that’s where I’m going to sh!t even harder in my pants. To succeed, I would have to go all in. And if I don’t bid all in, what do I have left? I can still win my good health back, right? There, I really want it. Too much. A lot. At least I want it more than anything else. I’m dependant on it. Mental health. I’m going through an obsession. I want to be sane. It’s going over my brain but not again. It’s different. Well, right, my mind tells me that’s it’s all the same. Again, and as it repeats itself, I go obviously out of control. Can I stand it? What can I stand? Me or the thought? Is it there? No. Is it going over there? No. Is it going to be wherever I walk? Obviously not. Is it trying to contact me? Not a single time. It’s going over and over again, you see. Ctrl+Alt+Del that thought. Quick.

 

*Brain Shuts Down.*

[BYOB]

I’m a writer, a poet, a strategist, a naturalist, a philosopher, and an adventurer.

I have started writing about fifteen months ago. Before, I used to enjoy writing settings and adventures for board games.

I’ve discovered poetry by the age of sixteen and its true power by eighteen. It’s a good way to express myself without actually saying all of the words that are shocking and sometimes without revealing what I truly am thinking about. It is genuine and that represents well a part of me.

As a video game player, I enjoy many strategic games and find it creative and very stimulating. It’s all about logic, which I love. If it were a woman, I would have kids with it. I mean with logic. What? Right, it doesn't make sense...

Logic is like biology of the brain. (Psychology too.) However, I like life to be balanced equally intellectually and physically. Biology at its core. Muscles, natural drugs, nerves, elements, (sex). The flow of life is an intriguing nature. It really fascinates me. In all of its aspects. Structure, function, growth, evolution, organisms, origin, and so on…which comes to lead me to philosophy.

Our origins, what are they? Enough said. I could talk about this for endless time but if I don’t, it’s because of evolution. If I talk, and don’t act, then I don’t evolve equally physically and psychologically. Need any explanation on how come is that and to what it leads to? Hehehe. A lot of people would get lost at this point.

As an adventurer, I enjoy change a lot. I live at the pace of the moon, I guess. (08-12) Not only do I hate routine, but I also dislike conventions. Stereotypes are the first thing I despise the most. I am eccentric because I don't like to do things like others. Whenever I see something, I want not to copy it. Plus, I have no fears so my limit is my imagination. That makes me quite unique for that character.

 

(08-12 Edit: A writer, huh? Funny... you thought you weren't at a certain point and now you're confirming that idea. It's true that you have many ideas to put down on paper, but you lack of consistency. Maybe with a bit more of practice...Yeah...You should be fine.)

[BYOB]

A month ago, I had hope and very positive thoughts going through my head. I had no worries everywhere. At school, health-wise, socially, at home, at work, and moreover, leaving games aside made me feel like a man opposed to a child. Notice something that should belong among this short list and that astrologist often give? I thought that if I could get it, everything would be perfect. But there is no perfection. I’m talking about love. And I had this girl in mind. So, yeah, cool! The one I talked about…Later, which is still back then, seeing the story going bittersweet, it had an impact on everything else. Gradually, over up to now, I no longer was satisfied at school, didn’t feel attractive, and felt secluded. (Load of months after EDIT: Man, you weren't at your top shape that's it. It's nothing about that girl or the impact that she had on you because you've put so much effort thinking and feeling depressed that you stopped being active at all. Get some muscles you emo.) At work I felt depressed and at home my parents complained about my attitude. Plus, I slept an average of ten hours per night this week. I didn’t have the willpower to get out of bed when my alarm clock rang. I’m not feeling so embarrassed about it (as I would have before) but I know this is a red flag my body is giving me and I don’t like it how I can suddenly drop to a burnout or depression a few weeks away from the end of the semester. That would be a disaster. So I try to stay creative and write.

 

(08-12 Edit: This is the second time that it happens to you. This is only to underline how important to keep your body in good health is important. You free stress and you build energy and determination. It's crucial.)

[BYOB]

He stared at me. He told me he was there just to look. I complained, feeling intimidated. He said I was beautiful. I was shocked. He added that he was interested in what I was doing. I was confused. He had never been so attentive to what I was doing. The moment was awkward but it's the first worth remembering with a positive connotation. I couldn't believe it was my father talking to me with such dedicated words. (Load of months after EDIT: Ha! That guy shows days after days that he doesn't know what he's doing and although it was nice of him trying to go out of his comfort zone at least once, he's still the one I well know and will unlikely change soon.)

[BYOB]

I am weak. Just like any other person in the universe. I have weaknesses and everyone has.

So why try and push people to their limit if they already have their fair part of difficulties? It's not fair.

I've tryed to change to become better but... I'm out of the league. I've had enough of hurting people when it slips out of control. It's not what I wanted. It's not what I expected at all. It's time for me to think before to let out of my mouth any kind of comment.

People around me deserve respect.

 

Still...I don't regret doing it. I grew up. A lot. All the better now. (Load of months after EDIT: Jesus, you DID grow up, man! Two thumbs up!)

[BYOB]

Keep on going.

Don't stop Let's go!

 

(You forgot your dot how much you were in a hurry. Keep up the good work...)

[BYOB]

Everything comes with a price.

 

Perfection.

Perfection comes with a price.

This pure and golden wish comes with a price.

It is the hard fall on the ground after delusion.

 

Close to perfection comes with a price!

It is to toss and eleminate sources of imperfection.

 

Friends, family, nutrition, habits, and education. And lovers.

 

I did not know this. I did not see how hard it would be. Treating people like "junk". Is that disrespect or respect? I know it's both...and necessary.

(Respect, my good man. It's respect. Respecting yourself is respecting your kind thereforeeee respecting everyone. Just show respect. Body, mind & spirit.)

[BYOB]

More worries. Droping them here makes me feel good.

 

The first thing that comes to my mind is her again.

Again, I'm not far from my bad habits. Searched for and listened to a song that she likes. I'm such a bad person. So sad. (How pityful...)

 

...There are two factors that makes us think about someone:

When we see each other.

When we don't see each other.

(Rule of thumb is: while you are at it and when you have some free time to be at it. Keep on moving. Be strong.)

 

Semester's over soon and it's palpable. I'm surprised to have so little work to do compared to previous work I've had. I think that doing so little got me lazy. I'll soon see if I'm to stay stucked to this chair.

 

Edit: I'm so much interested about my state of mind that I forgot how helpful I've been to people around me recently.

 

Good physical health, nothing to worry of but my somehow bad eating habits. Feeling a bit much apathetic, tough. Not excessively like I know I can be. That's okay. Going to sleep and waking up late. Big deal. Oversleeping. Sad; but noone's perfect. (Of course, and to stop worrying was worth it in the end.)

 

For the last four days, I've been working a lot on a personal project. I have schoolwork waiting for me but it doesn't excite me the sligthest. Procrastination. (Tell me, where did your side project go?... junk...I only hope it serves to something, someday...)

 

(08-12 Forum? )

[BYOB]

I. Am. Back. With more to develop, more experience. But I'm back. And that means that I'm close to depression once more. That the following days are going to be rough. And that the last ones I went through were full of sorrows. Pain. Envy. Misery.

 

Everything will change, no doubt about it. My writting style already did. That's what we call evolution, don't we? The cruel wheel of sadness and happiness we, humans, are going through for...for what? Is there any goal in life?

 

Well, I'll answer to anyone who wouldn't have found the answer already: there is none. Truly none. None for a human to find. So stop looking for your ideals. Because your idea of perfection is dust. Magic. Religion. Love. It's all fake. (So start listening to techno music like me and live for no reason, but live happily. Why not? You have the best music in the world to listen to...)

 

But if I'm going down it's not for anything close to the reason that I recently discovered those facts. No, it's actually the opposite. It actually gave me strenght to know those facts. And to share it is even more powerful. It means that everyone should stop asking themselves questions, for a better life. A life simpler that anyone would have presumed to be. Just do it. Within everyone of ourselves, we deeply know what to do to achieve our life successfully. And I'm not talking money wise. Just live. For the best of what life can offer to you. So believe, that's great. Yes, it's a wonderful way to benefit out of the best of life. But at least, for your god's sake, trust in yourself more than anything else. Whatever your method, I only ask everyone to have the strength to get up and stand against racism, sexism, injustice, murder, theft, cruelty, disrespect, etc. I don't feel like I even have to name them since like I said, everyone has the answer of what's good or not within.

 

Listen to your innersight. Stop waisting your time asking yourself questions. There is no need for it.

 

Well, that's where I want to share that I haven't been listening to myself lately. It's difficult to stay in the right path. And everyday we get proofs of it. Friends leave us behind and strangers are still reacting toward us like if we were monsters.

 

So, because no one else but yourself was made to believe in you, just do it. Learn to believe in yourself and never lose yourself to something, someone or whatever.

 

Words of wisdom...but even with the solution, I haven't mastered everything yet.

 

 

(08-12 Edited and put in bold. Codename: CeS. Just let it be.)

[BYOB]

Feeling like the sh!t's gonna hit the fan. So I'm putting everything here, trying to drop a bit of the load I've got on my shoulders.

 

Pressure. I feel too much pressure. And I'm so alone against all of this. Frustrated against the whole fvcking system when the single problem is me. And well instead of facing myself, I'm trying to flee now. Can't stand the mask. Can't stand person. Who I am. What I live.

 

Am I such BULSH!T? WHAT THE FVCK AM I? I... would like to apologize but the only person I can apologize to is myself... Bcoz I don't feel strong enough to tell anyone how much sh!tI'm carrying today. I mean there's noone who would like to listen to such misery as the one I feel today.

 

At this present day and time.

[BYOB]

[P.S: My intent wasn't to write a poem.]

 

I love you.

I can't feel more extatic.

I can see you shining in my head.

You made my day.

You are my new soul.

I can't stop thinking.

I can't stop thinking.

 

No, I'm infatuated.

I'm trying.

I'm like passion.

I can't stop thinking.

I'm like red.

I'm trying.

 

Mine, you aren't and can't be.

I tried.

But mine, you aren't and can't be.

[BYOB]

Look, you've fvcking ruined any chances you had to have me help you and now the teacher thinks that it's my fault if I am not available for you. I can't believe this bulsh!t is falling on my head when I already offered my services to you. I should be yelling at you because you're totally not responsible and because that the blame is going on me. However, if I start yelling, it'll make a comotion and people will believe that I am totally insane and disrespectful. It's like a lose-lose situation.

 

I fvcking hate people in this world.

 

(It's funny now. She was almost ignoring me while she's been pleading me earlier. I will miss her relevant comments. Goodbye.)

[BYOB]

I can only look at the human with admiration. When he is so energetic that you could believe he could jump up into space. When he is so sympathetic that he makes you smile even when you're really down. When he is young and so cute that you wouldn't lay a finger on it. When he stays so quiet and beautiful that you would kiss him. When he is stubborn and perseverant and reach success. When he is close to death and yet can still survive. When he is secluded and suicidal and yet can still have a huge impact on his surroundings.

 

I can feel the pain.

 

(When he feels depressed yet stands his head high up the very next day... To everyone, don't lose your grip.)

[BYOB]

I see. I feel. I learn. I live.

I see, I feel, I learn, I live.

I see I feel I learn and live.

I see-I feel-I learn and live!

 

In this confusing world, I breathe.

I dream and laugh, I admire and smile.

There are some sad moments, when the truths are depressive.

And the lies are freedom. Or that freedom is a lie. I live in a world where the sun swings up and down just like my mood, where it can be shiny and bright, or dark and frightening.

 

People aren't looking around, and neither am I. But I blame them. Please don't blame me, I am so weak. I can't find any other way to feel better, to survive. But I will keep on blaming them. I promise. I promise I will survive.

 

Look around you. Tell me what you see. People and their behavior. They have built cities and machines. Today they don't realise their mistake. They have lost everything to the cost of those artificial creations. Fake utility. Nobody really needs those. People are fake, are flakes. They are now losing because they won. Won over nature and their imaginary boundaries. But they haven't freed themselves. People are not free. Freedom. Is not anyone's property.

 

I love. I breathe. I live. I suffer.

I hate. I smother. I struggle. I die.

 

...and I...well, I live.

[BYOB]

LIFE! What are you expecting of me?

Do you know that I am expecting something from you?

Do you realize that I'm not belonging in this world?

Look out! I am expecting something from you!

Life, I am expecting you to give me a role.

This senseless road I am overwhelmed by shouldn't be mine.

This world should make me be.

Make me be because I am not.

I do no belong here.

 

I hate being human and I hate whatever I am up to. I despise, I hate, I am horrifyed by your meanless triggers and games or purposes of life.

THIS WHOLE FVCKING CRAP SUCKS!

AND SO DO I!

TAKE ME BACK TO MY ORIGINS! I DONT BELONG HERE.

I'M NOT THE ONE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE.

I'm clearly no one.

I'm clearly not human.

 

I don't know. I'm out of my head! And out of control...

Lemme lemme kill

 

I never commited murder. I think I should try it. And then, frustration would emerge around me. Someone might even punch me, copying the irrational argument that they had never tryed it. What would make it wrong or bad? There are no laws, there is no entity protecting life. I can help, wound, kill, it won't change the world.

It wouldn't change me. And the news wouldn't get far.

 

I want to know. But I don't know.

I'm clueless and I feel pathetic.

Wanna try death? Let's do some tests. It might work, I don't know...

[BYOB]

Pop, pop! popcorn and popsicle.

It's a rythm of winter and summer

All through the ryhme, you get the sickle

slicing all the way your sweet and salted blood

 

Man, what a confusing world

in my mind?

have you ever read a bit

to understand nothing

of

your

reading?

 

Ding

Dang

Dong

Another hour has bled

And your body's now all red

spilling your flood of ideas and dreams

losing weight and sense

You're such a waste and so tense

You can barely write or ryhme

,Dream of a fight

Get set for tomorrow

Get late, wait a minute

I don't know

 

I'm the writer, I don't know

This thing and sh!t's going nowhere

no rythm nor rhyme. It's sentences making pointless.

[BYOB]

No matter how unimportant you are, I miss you. Where are you? I'm waiting on you. Why am I waiting so eagerly? It's been going so fast so far as one week ago. So fast. Incredible.

 

I want to tell you. To tell you that. That I'm seriously getting back to training and that my resistance to pain is getting higher. I want to tell you in details all of my progress and all that I plan to do, because it really helps me to get control over my activity. It helps me to stay focused with my goals. Your absense might signify failure for me. I've had my brain working faster and better. I've stimulated my body to get alive and to be productive. I think. I act. I live. Finally.

 

Many thoughts, let me share with you. Many actions, let me show you. Many blood pulses, let me tell you. ...let me, finally.

 

(08-12 Edit: So sensitive... maybe desperate, but truly human.)

[BYOB]

I can't believe the progress that I've made in the last month. Everything seem to have gone so fast that I lost track of everything that was done but I realize a few things that I find quite unbelievable. I have done great things and I am on top of my mental and physical shape.

 

Watch out! RaW!

[BYOB]

Last night was wicked.

 

I'm a confused guy.

But is it because I am confused or because I am brave enough that I spoke like I did yesterday?

 

I insulted a Giant. Willingly. To provoke him and to see how would he react, so that I can see if I fit into his personality. If it can be me. If it IS me. Am I a giant? We'll see in ten years...

 

 

(08-12 Edit: You are a giant all by yourself today. You only have to take steps to show how tall you are. Just move forward and you'll be surprised. You know how productive you are. People of your quality are very rare. Yet, you're still losing that self confidence sometimes... Never forget what all you are.)

[BYOB]

People are so gay

They stand straight, but all they want is to lay

People are so gay

They aren't red of shame, but faded and grey

People are so gay

They please and tease, but they don't stay

People are so gay

They look fun, although they

Play like guys

Do when they are drunk

Half bottle gulped and sunk

Into their own reality and eyes

''I drink, I drank! I'm drunk! I'm sick!

Fvck! Find me another tank!''

God, they are so gay!

Please, do not let me play

Coz if it wasn't that they're humaen

I would beat and throw them in a fan

 

Goodbye!

And to all homosexuals,

Don't forget to never decrease to a tie

With brutes and sleepers who have no balls.

 

 

(08-12 edit: They don't think the way you do. Let them be. They think the same of you.)