My Dad dosn't love me.

[eviljedi]

Hey, enotaloners, not been on here in a while.

 

Okay, here's some background:

 

2-3 years ago I started going to university - half way through my 2nd year I slowly stopped going in to classes and not handing in assignments and then ultimately dropped out. The main reason for this was because I didn't have any friends on the course and I felt really bad about myself sitting in classes by myself. I also didn't like the course very much and it certainly wasn't what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

 

After I dropped out, I didn't do anything for a few months (since it was still the middle of the academic year) apart from work in my part-time job.

 

Once it got closer to the start of the next academic year, I applied for a different course at a different uni and got accepted. I'm now half way through the first semester (I've made some friends and everything is going great).

 

Last week I had some assignments to hand in and thereforeeee I CHOOSE to stay off uni for 2 days in order to complete them (we were just working on them in class anyway, and I find I get more done when there are no distractions). Then a few days later I accidentally slept in, I could have still went in but I'd have been over an hour late and it would have been a waste of time.

 

The day after I slept in my Mum came into my room and woke me up almost 1 hour EARLY. I stayed in my bed and she came in several times trying to wake me up. Then, all of a sudden my Dad comes rushing the my room and almost punches me, he's shouting and shaking me around. He says he's going to kick me out the house and then tells me to give him my keys. I do so, and then he says, "I don't care where you go, as long as it's not here". Then I got dressed at went to uni. I was completely in shock.

 

He said, he was sick of me 'lying around the house doing nothing' while he was out working. Even though I've been working on assignments and so forth. I think this might have been built up from the summer, when I was only working part-time and doing nothing the rest of the time.

 

Later on he was shouting at me and saying that any time he wasn't in the house then I wasn't aloud in the house and that he didn't care where I was, just as long as it wasn't in HIS house. (btw, I had to end up breaking in to my own house because he took my keys away)

 

 

Right now I really feel like my Dad has truly never loved me. I had low self-esteem for the majority of my school years, mainly because of his constant criticism and lack of any affection. I feel like he just wants to get rid of me now.

 

The thing that really broke my heart was, later on I was talking to my Mum and she pretty much AGREED with me saying "he didn't love me and he just wanted me out." Before then I thought maybe I was deluding myself.

 

I just can't imagine how anyone who loved their son could throw him out on the street and treat me the way he has. I would certainly never treat my son that way (if I had one).

 

He has single handedly been the cause of all my problems in life.

 

I've been crying most of today and I just feel like I've been rejected by him. If my Dad, someone who I share DNA with, can't love me, there must be something wrong with me.

 

I honestly don't really care if I need to stay out of the house the majority of the time. The thing that really upsets me is his lack of love for me. It also really pisses me off that he can hurt me so badly, I don't like him having that power of me.

 

 

I'm not really looking for any solutions here, just a bit of understanding.

 

Thanks for reading

eviljedi

[southerngirl]

Sounds like he is just pissed off and saying things he shouldnt say.

 

Your parents probably want what is best for you, if you are skipping class that is not a good thing.

[spinstermanquee]

eviljedi, I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time with your father. While I understand the message he is trying to get accross, I think he is showing and telling you in an insensitive manner, and that is what is hurting you.

 

He must love you or he wouldn't do a thing or lift a finger to show ANY care for your situation. It sounds like he has been feeling this way for a while, bottling up, and now it's exploded.

 

Has he (or your mum) ever been to uni before? Did they help you choose your course of study based on your talents and interests? Has either ever given you useful advice in your personal or job life? Did you play together, work on projects (cars, yard, home improvements, model airplanes, cooking, etc.) while you were growing up? Is there any aspect of your life that you would only trust HIM or HER with?

 

My best guess is your parents want you to be gainfully engaged in constructing your adult life, and your Dad is being a clumsy and lacking loving finesse in communicating it to you. It's human nature to not want to walk if you think someone will carry you. My 18-year-old would probably still be living at home and laying around if I didn't (gently) push her out of the nest and on to uni!

 

If she was skipping classes and it looked like she wasn't working for success, I would ask her to leave too - but that's only because we have the understanding that no one lives under our roof unless they are going to school full time or working full time...

[eviljedi]

Neither of them have ever been to uni. My brothers currently in his 5th year and he has never dropped out or changed his course since he started.

 

They didn't really help me choose the course, they just told me I HAD to do something. TBH, I already know the course I'm on at the moment isn't what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I'm not really sure what I want to do, so it's better than nothing.

 

They also haven't really gave me any advice regarding jobs/personal life.

 

My Mum helped me with all my school projects and things like that.

 

I've never felt like I could relate to my Dad because he always frowns and turns his noes up when I express myself. E.g. I like computer games, I tell him about one and then he starts saying how computer games are for losers and geeks. And he always says half-joking stuff like, "get a life!". He also severely criticises anyone when they make a mistake, so if I dropped a plate and broke it he'd start going on, "what an idiot you are...blah blah..."

 

I trust my Mum with everything. I love her more than anything and I can be completely honest around her.

 

I don't really have anything I trust my Dad with.

[LonelyMoondancer]

I'm afraid I don't think I have any advice for this. It's unfortunate that the relationship between you and your father isn't as strong as it could be. But I'm sure he must love you, or he wouldn't want you to succeed. Maybe he has a hard time expressing it. How is he with your mother? Also, do you ever say things like "Good night, I love you, etc" to your dad? Does he every say those things to you?

[Minky]

I know that he has hurt you deeply but try and look at it from another point of view.

 

What was his relationship like with HIS dad? It sounds as though he has a hard time relating to you. That's not unnatural - who says parents and their children have to 'mesh' - I can look at my son and think that he's from another planet, he doesn't seem like me AT ALL. But I still love him even though I know that he's probably going to be off on stuff that I have no interest in.

 

You're going to university, he didn't; he could feel just plain insecure and afraid of looking like an idiot to his son. So he covers this up with this bravado and macho nonsense about how computer games 'are for geeks'. It could also be that he is immensely proud that his boy is off to Uni and is immensely disappointed and fearful that you're going to screw it up without really trying. Perhaps going to uni was something he would have loved to have done but didn't get the chance. And here you are, changing courses, skipping classes - his reaction is more about HIM than it is about you. IMO.

 

The fact is, he has raised you, provided you with a roof over your head, clothed you, fed you and at least been there as a physical steady presense all your life. What is that other than love? Be thankful for that and look at him now, not as your 'dad' but as a man with his own insecurities and worries and hopes and fears and dreams...just like you. There's a saying ' when they know better, they do better'. Sounds like your dad just doesn't KNOW how to relate to you in a way that you can respond to. I think you need to accept him as he is and trust that in time as you mature (and he does too), you can put your relationship with him on a new and more equal footing.