Is a birthday card a no-no?

[glimmerofhope]

If we broke up the third week of September, and if I moved out as of the third week of October, is it a complete breach of no contact rules if I send the ex a birthday card (her b-day is November 15)?

 

At this point, we have had no other contact since I moved out (other than to resolve a bill), nor do I anticipate us having any contact between now and then. I am moving on with my life, taking care of business and doing the things that I need to do for myself--but I am hesitant to sever all ties permanently at this juncture. Or is it just better practice to make her wonder?

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Norcalguy]

Which one of you was the dumper and dumpee?

[glimmerofhope]

I do not know if she will respond. Frankly, I am less concerned about whether she says anything immediately and more focused on whether it's good just to let her know--in a very unintrusive way--that I did not forget her birthday and that I still care.

[glimmerofhope]

And I was the dumpee, though the decision to move out and create some space had been made mutually.

[jul-els]

What seafarer says is right. Honestly ask yourself these questions. Only do it if it will make you feel better with no expectations whatsoever on what her response or lack thereof will be.

[glimmerofhope]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses, folks.

 

Again, I really have no expectations that she will show me any kind of reaction. My goal would simply be to let her know that I still care while still respecting her space and giving her the time she needs to do what she needs to do.

 

In that sense, for me it's more a question now of whether the better approach is to do nothing, to strictly adhere to the no contact doctrine and let her b-day go by without a word from me. Thoughts?

[chai714]

A card is absolutely fine, with no expectations - not even a thank you.

[glimmerofhope]

Isn't it amazing, how we torment ourselves over the most mundane and benign matters?

 

I swear, I feel like I'm facing off against Kasparov in a chess championship while under the influence of some very heavy narcotics!

[Frangipani]

Same siuation for me. Broke up early Oct, his birthday is Nov 18. Dunno what to do really. I have no expectations - but just because you break up with someone doesn't mean you have to forget that person. It's a nice gesture.

 

Still not sure though. I wouldnt want him to think I was trying to get him back or anything.

[Daniel920]

Easy one in my books. As long as you are doing it for the right reasons, ie you genuinely care, and you have absolutely no expectations in terms of a reply (you may even get a nasty one!!) and it in no way contains anything manipulative or any emotional blackmail, then a simple happy birthday is fine. In a way it shows you have your stuff together enough to be strong enough to still be considerate and thoughtful without any expectation. Always be nice, honest and genuine to your ex is my motto.

[Frangipani]

Yeah but it's breaking NC. That's the dilema.

[glimmerofhope]

My point exactly. Knowing it is the best, really the only feasible approach, we try to adhere to strict NC principles, and yet it seems to send the wrong message to not even acknowledge birthdays with something as commonplace and unassuming as a card.

 

Any of you NC gurus out there have a suggestion?

[Clabs]

Hi Y'all

 

This comes up a lot on here.

 

My view is that you can never know how the card will be received. It may be met with warmth, it may wind the other person up because you have set their healing back. So I say - best to do nothing at all.

 

Another viewpoint if you are sending a card or wanting to send a card is how many years are you going to continue sending them? Think about that.

 

Mark

[farfrmnormal]

Hi Y'all

 

This comes up a lot on here.

 

My view is that you can never know how the card will be received. It may be met with warmth, it may wind the other person up because you have set their healing back. So I say - best to do nothing at all.

 

Another viewpoint if you are sending a card or wanting to send a card is how many years are you going to continue sending them? Think about that.

 

Mark

 

When it comes to the healing of the partner – it’s not that we (the dumpee) don’t acknowledge that they need to heal. Really, by sending a card or small gesture to simply acknowledge the day with no expectations and being fully prepared for the reaction could be helping us heal as well. I have come a long way in the last two months and I feel I am fully prepared for any reaction I may receive (if none at all). Of course there is the debate of how long you have been broken up – I do feel that sending a card within the first 30 days would probably be received the wrong way. Only the individual (dumpee) will really make the ultimate decision.

 

As for how many years will you send the card? That could vary, if after a while you and your ex decide to remain friends then you may very well send one each year – if not, I am sure at the point of their birthday the following year we will all be at a different place and some of us could be back with our respective ex’s. If not, then after a year I am sure that our hearts will be in a different place and we will feel different about sending a card.

 

I have been debating whether or not myself to send a card simply to acknowledge that I do care, I have my stuff together and I am polite enough to completely disregard the day. I think ignoring it is denying you ever spent time with that person on that day in the past.

 

Any other ideas? Opinions?

[CatsMeeoow]

I truly think that a smiple card which just states Happy Bday and sign your name with really nothing else written is perfectly acceptable.

 

It shows you care but you are not bomb barding them with "old" stuff.

 

But, you do need to be ok that they may not acknowledge they got a card from you. It doesn't mean they don't appreciate the thought or haven't thought of you. It just means they aren't ready to communicate.

 

Because they aren't talking to you you cannot assume what they are thinking or what they are not thinking. If you think you will wonder and feel guilty, sad or mad then don't send the card.

 

But, no one - even your ex will be angry if you don't send the card.

 

Do what you feel is best in your heart.

[rokston]

It's fine to send the card. Just make sure you don't write a love letter in it

 

You lived together, of course you have not forgotten her birthday. Don't over analyze the situation - it's just not possible to know what is going on through another person's mind.

 

PS. If you have expectations of a reaction and are doing it for that reason then take back everything I said and do NOT send.

[farfrmnormal]

I dug up this thread - I am sure he has already made up his mind whether to send the card. With me, I am unsure whether I will or not. I have no expectations for a response - but if I get one, I am also prepared for that. Perhaps I will have my mom help pick out the card as to avoid buying something inappropriate. I will simply say hope you have a good day and sign my name.

[CatsMeeoow]

I think that sounds completely appropriate!

[bummedout4]

Just wanted to add, i just went through this two days ago. My ex's bday was yesterday but since i was leaving early in the morning , i sent her a card and i also called her the night before. She seemed reallly surprised and happy to talk to me. It wasn't as weird as i thought it would be, we just talked for about 8 min about school and stuff going on and wished her a happy birthday. The weird thing was she sounded kind of emotional, like she was holding back tears or something. I have known her for over 4 years and know how she sounds and when something is different. Don't know if that means anything but after weighing all the pros and cons , i just decided to call and i feel better. I sent her a card, she probably got it on her bday later in the day so I guess I will see if she calls me back anytime when i get back home. Well that is what i did, i felt a lot better and was able to leave knowing i did what i felt was right. Thats really all you can do.

[farfrmnormal]

His birthday is still 2.5 weeks away and by that point I may feel comfortable calling. I may be at a different point by then as I have learned that each day presents new things. But I will definitely pick up a card.

[Clabs]

Hey farfrm

 

"The weird thing was she sounded kind of emotional, like she was holding back tears or something."

 

Bummedout called and sent a card and whilst he got something out of it, it sounds from what he wrote that she was upset by it. I certainly wouldn't want to risk upsetting someone on their birthday.

 

That is my point - if you do nothing - you can do nothing wrong.

 

An interesting point to note so far as the OP is concerned is that this thread was posted in the getting back together thread - Mmmm.

 

Just my view.

 

Mark

[bummedout4]

Well to make myself more clear, i do not think she was upset. She sounded really happy that i called her. I talked to her brother the day before and just asked him his opinion and he told me that they were talking and she asked him if he still talked to me and if he thought i would call her on her birthday. I am almost 100% certain i did not upset her and when i say emotional, i mean like kind of happy to hear from me. I know how she sounds when she is upset and when she is happy. So just wanted to point that out, I am confident in my decision and do not regret it. I thought after talking to her i would feel sad and back to square one but instead i felt relieved and confident that i was able to do it and move forward. She knows when i get back and i left it up to her really to call me whenever she wants. I put out an olive branch, if it brings me nowhere I can accept that. But i guess you never know unless you try.

[glimmerofhope]

After much debate, I have determined not to send a card.

 

If I sent a card, it is true that I would be doing so because I wanted her to know I still care and have not forgotten her. But there's a part of me I cannot deny that would hope she would react kindly to it. Not so much that she would have anything to say, but rather that she would file a happy thought away somewhere that might later play very some small part in producing a reconciliation.

 

That's not where I need to be right now.

[CatsMeeoow]

Good for you for thinking it through and realizing where it might put you.

 

You deserve a pat on the back for that one!

 

I know it wasn't an easy decision to come to.

[Clabs]

Hey Bummbedout!

 

If you are happy with your decision then that is what counts. I was only going on what you wrote before when you said she sounded like she was holding back tears. But at the end of the day, you wanted to hold out an olive branch because you want to get back with her. That boils back down to having an ulterior motive. Good for you for being honest though.

 

As a side note, I am not sure your messages send the right message to her. She treated you shoddily and I think that the message you sent was that you accept her shoddy treatment and that makes her lose respect for you.

 

Sorry - this is just what I see.

 

Take care fella and I hope you carry on with your healing.

 

Mark