Soon_tobex Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Married a long time. Much of what I've read says that true happiness comes from within yourself and NOT from someone else. Further in a LTR, the general consensus seems to be that an individual must focus on making oneself happy plus doing "good" for the other person. My question: what if I am mostly happy with me but the things that make me unhappy or unfulfilled are controlled by my spouse? For example: I love music; she does not. I'd love to go to concerts; she has flatly declined to attend. Sure I could go alone or with friends but I would be most happy if she would come with me. Another example: I love making love. She is very ambivalent. It's impossible to make myself happy in this regard and still maintain my vows. Etc. So how does a person really fulfill himself if the very things he wants is controlled by the other person? Link to comment
Kelebek Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Has your relationship always been this way? Someone who is ambivalent about making love could be suffering from depression. Is there some other underlying problem in your marriage? Does your wife seem to be a generally happy/content person or is there something that is bothering her? Although I have limited information, it sounds to me like there is something going on that is affecting her mood. Have you talked about making compromises? If she goes to a concert with you, you'll do something that she enjoys, that you might not usually do? Link to comment
Taking The Lead Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Look.. this marriage thing isn't about just you anymore. ..There's two of you now.. I understand how you feel. Yes, she probably has things that bug the hell out of you however, she's your wife now. Accepting them for who, and what they are happens before the vows my friend. In your quest for companionship hasn't she been there for you? Try and work things out with her. ..Try talking with her about the issues you're having. Link to comment
Soon_tobex Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 I appreciate the responses! I'm speaking in general terms here, not necessarily about my specific situation. Let's say one person generally feels good but is continually frustrated by the other person. I'm not talking about "leaving the toilet seat up" kind of frustration. I'm talking about fundamentally different views over which both people seem unwilling to compromise. Sex is an easy topic that fits into this category. But intimacy and hobbies and loads of other topics too. How does one find completeness if the other refuses to budge. There ARE things that can only be achieved with other people. I'm not saying that everyone needs the same things or that for everyone to be complete they must have intimacy, etc. What I am saying is that SOME people want intimacy, sex etc and others don't. So what does the first person do if the second person won't?! And please don't give me: "I'm sure she has things that bug the hell out of you however, she's your wife now." People change. So just suck it up and be unhappy? Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Maybe it's best to start at the beginning... what did you like about your wife before you were married? When did things change? To answer the question, our happiness IS determined by what's inside and how we choose to react to situations, rather than being determined by the situations themselves. For instance, you might want your wife to go see live music with you but it is just something she's unwilling to do. So you change your perception of the situation, i.e., you remember the great things she does that you love about her, you find others to go to see music with, you do other activities that you can both enjoy. It's all about how you choose to see the situation. If it's true that she is unwilling to budge on ANY issue, then you should go see a counselor. An objective party could possibly point this out to her and maybe facilitate some compromises between the two of you. Link to comment
Kelebek Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Maybe it's best to start at the beginning... what did you like about your wife before you were married? When did things change? I agree with bulletproof. You can argue "incompatability," but I would assume that two people who choose to be married and vow to spend the rest of their lives together, at one point were very compatable and shared many common interests. So the real question is, what happened and why have things changed? Link to comment
vinnee Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 You want to go to concerts and she doesn't. I'm sure you would like her to come but you can still go even if she doesn't want to. You want to make music and she doesn't have an opinion one way or the other. So make music anyway. Are you saying you need her permission to make music or are you saying you need her to be your cheerleader for you to be able to make music? I'm sort of confused here as to why you can't do the things you want unless she is all about them too. Does it come down to affording instruments/equiptment and she is staunchly against the expense? Link to comment
John Bendix Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 You seem to want things the way you want them no matter how they really are. This can lead to suffering. Non-acceptance of what is will allows give us pain. Accept the way things are right now, without judgment and without desiring them to be other than they are right now. Then you can work on changing them but only right now and do so without relying on the outcome for your happiness. Communication is always the key. You cannot assume that your spouse understands what you are thinking or feeling. Rational communication is the way to proceed. If the other is not willing to be rational, good luck. No one can make you happy and you cannot make yourself happy forever. It is a fleeting emotion created in response to your thoughts and thereforeeee, your perception of your life situation, that will always go away. Live to be happy in the present moment without seeking what could have been or what might be. This is peace, which is not an emotion but a state of being that is not transient. This is indeed trying in a emotional, intimate realationship but can be accomplished by getting past egoic wants and desires. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 so this is a sexless relationship pretty much? right? that's what this sounds like here. Link to comment
WaterIsLife Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 I think its about accepting things. True acceptance, warts and all. Not to say it isn't hard. But its a matter of coming to terms with it. This goes for her too. There should be some type of middle ground where you both recognize that the other is willing to meet half-way Link to comment
Soon_tobex Posted October 22, 2007 Author Share Posted October 22, 2007 If I may summarize what has been written? Accept what is. Then look for compromise Interesting. On the one hand, you should accept your SO as they are. Not expect change. Not expect them to like or want the things you like or want. Accept the way your SO is, and find peace and happiness within yourself? Got that. BUT... That is living alone. A SO must compromise else what is the point of being together? Yes I want things differently than the way they are. That is not wrong; that is "growth and advancement". Yes I want she and I to do more together. That is not wrong; that is "intimacy and togetherness". John B, you nailed it: "Communication is always the key. You cannot assume that your spouse understands what you are thinking or feeling. Rational communication is the way to proceed. If the other is not willing to be rational, good luck." If I've done the best job I can possibly do to explain to my spouse why I'd like to, on occasion, enjoy the Opera or the Ballet or the Symphony or a McDonald's hamburger with her and if she cannot or will not understand why I'd like to enjoy such pleasures with her, then, there is no compromise. There is no growth and advancement, no intimacy and togetherness. And the relationship is at extreme risk. Link to comment
WaterIsLife Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 Effort on both sides and compromise are key. Link to comment
EmotionalCreature Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 To the OP, it's not just about you, if she doesn't like the hobbies you do then you can try to show her why she might like it. If she doesn't, you can find other things both of you like, why try to change her into something else that's not her? What if she like you wearing sunglasses, but you happened to hate the damn thing when it's on your face because it annoys the crap out of you? Then she says "There goes my happiness, damn you!"? Link to comment
Hellzapoppin Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 All I can say is, if you are married to a woman who won't even go to the ballet or symphony or McDonald's with you.....she is telling you that she doesn't love you, doesn't enjoy your company. Actions speak louder than words, my friend! Even if one doesn't appreciate ballet, wouldn't the joy of being with one's beloved make it pleasureable? Of course....it would. She doesn't want to be with you. And she is ambivilent about sex? She has already checked out of the marriage........ Link to comment
Soon_tobex Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 EmotionalCreature and Hellzapoppin: wow you guys are 180 degrees of differing opinion! I guess I'll make my own assessment. I believe what Hellza believes. Well said: "Even if one doesn't appreciate ballet, wouldn't the joy of being with one's beloved make it pleasurable?" B.I.N.G.O!!! We have a winner! I'm not asking her to trek accross the desert. I'm not asking her to rob a bank with me. I'm offering a wide range of things that 'normal' people do and she wants none of it. She always has an excuse (and she's good with excuses because there's always a somewhat plausible grain of truth). But I honestly cannot remember the last time she has said: "Yes, honey. I'd like to be with you. I may not like the , but since I've never been, I guess I don't know if I do or don't. But let's experience it together and see what happens." It is NOT about the activity. It's about the desire to work together and experience life together. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 STB, Maybe you should give more of the story so posters can have an accurate picture of what your marriage is really like. The honest truth is that it's much worse than she doesn't want to go to the opera with you. She checked out of this marriage a long time ago and you have been holding on 'for your kids' sake' when the kids are fully aware of how dysfunctional things are and are suffering as a result. You've got to accept that your marriage won't work because you are carrying the weight of it all on your own shoulders, with no help from your wife. Keeping a clean house and loving her children doesn't make her a good wife. She shut you out a long time ago. When will you see this for what it is? Link to comment
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