Bringing back the sex

[holyohio]

Hi all. I need a little help. Me and my girlfriend moved in together a few months ago after dating for about 2 years. Although our sex life did not just all the sudden halt, it was starting to stagnate about a month or two before we moved in. We went from having sex multiple times a day (the honeymoon period from 0-6 months of dating), to multiple times a week (2-3 times during the next year) to having sex about 2-4 times a month.

 

She always described the sex as fulfilling, both of us catching our breaths and sweating in ecstasy up to 10 minutes afterwards. We always start with an average of 10-15 mins of foreplay (not just oral sex either, we usually start deep kissing and lightly touching).

 

Thinking it was the bordem/lack of novelty & spontaneity principal, I got on the internet and bought her a rabbit vibrator just for a little fun (she likes to watch sex & the city and when she was watching that episode i saw her raise her eyebrows curiously.) As soon as she opened her 'present' she immediately grabbed the TV remote, smashed the batteries out, and took off her pants. We started playing around on the couch (until my friend unexpectedly knocked on the door!). Things were OK, we had sex a couple times that week. I told her I think it would be fun if she experimented with the rabbit by herself and told her she should feel totally comfortable doing so. I mean, if she learns what turns her on and everything we can have better sex right? We've had the rabbit for about 2 months, and probably only used it 8 or 9 times (although she claims it gives her really good orgasms).

 

So I thought it was just a stagnation in our general relationship. The next thing I tried was letting her feel appreciated. After a few of my midterms, I spent 3 or 4 hours cleaning the entire house. Sweeping, mopping, disinfecting, the whole deal. I bought her a dozen light pink roses and put it in her grandmothers heirloom vase. I bought a couple bottles of her favorite wine and I cooked a meal for us, ready when she got home from work, just to let her know how much I appreciate her (and cooking is NOT my forte...). We didnt even have sex that night :sad:

 

It almost seems like she is satisfied with "meeting her 'quota"' of sex every other week or so. Im trying my best not to get her to have sex with me, but getting her to want to have sex with me. But nothing seems to be working...Every night when we lie next to each other in the same bed and i start kissing her back, neck, and ears, she always makes an "ow" sound and grabs her ear...saying she has an ear infection...or grabbing the thermometer from the nightstand and saying she might be sick...

 

Its making me feel unloved, unwanted, and undesired. I think I finally figured out today that I might be mildly depressed (not a clinical diagnosis, but more of an internal epiphany). I think this may be stemming from the lack of physical intimacy in the most important relationship in my life. I want to be a strong and confident man and say that I don't need sex, but the fact of the matter is that lack of it is severely hurting my self-esteem and happiness.

 

I guess the next step would be to talk to her. I've had conversations about this before, with her agreeing that she would try to do better in the future, but nothing ever gets better. The only time she really initiates sex is when I am feeling down and distant and she does it almost purely to temporarily cheer me up, which is pathetic on both of our parts.

 

Our relationship is fantastic. I do not desire any other woman in the world, so I would never have it in me to cheat on her, but I am still feeling a little sexually frustrated and unloved.

 

Sorry for the length of this post, but I'm really trying to figure out what I am doing wrong.

 

Thanks for the help,

holyohio

 

edit: I realized a more clever title to this post, which would probably get more female views and opinions (which i need) would be "bringing sexy back". Hindsight is 20/20, no?

[OOHMY]

So I thought it was just a stagnation in our general relationship. The next thing I tried was letting her feel appreciated. After a few of my midterms, I spent 3 or 4 hours cleaning the entire house. Sweeping, mopping, disinfecting, the whole deal. I bought her a dozen light pink roses and put it in her grandmothers heirloom vase. I bought a couple bottles of her favorite wine and I cooked a meal for us, ready when she got home from work, just to let her know how much I appreciate her (and cooking is NOT my forte...). We didnt even have sex that night

 

Aww you are soo sweet, I'm puzzled. Although nice gestures shouldn't be used for sex, thats so incredibly sweet I have a tear in my eye.

 

Your not doing anything wrong, shes just settling into the relationship and feeling too comfortable. Like she doesn't feel that sex needs to be there so much. You guys moved in together so two months before that she was just easing it down a bit, then after you moved in she said see we don't need it so much. Shes happy.

 

Maybe walk around naked? The best thing you can do is to talk to her about it and tell her exactly how you are feeling. You can't read her mind or second guess things. So you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel.

[holyohio]

Aww you are soo sweet, I'm puzzled. Although nice gestures shouldn't be used for sex, thats so incredibly sweet I have a tear in my eye.

 

Your not doing anything wrong, shes just settling into the relationship and feeling too comfortable. Like she doesn't feel that sex needs to be there so much. You guys moved in together so two months before that she was just easing it down a bit, then after you moved in she said see we don't need it so much. Shes happy.

 

Maybe walk around naked? The best thing you can do is to talk to her about it and tell her exactly how you are feeling. You can't read her mind or second guess things. So you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel.

 

Thanks for the reply, but could you clarify a little on the second paragraph? I know familiarity and too much comfort in a relationship can be bad for the libido, but are you insinuating that girls only have sex with guys when they're unhappy or seeking more stability?

 

I know that this is one of the things that I would be dealing with going into the whole moving in together thing...the lack of sex because she feels too comfortable and too secure, but how do I combat this?

 

And...We live together....we're naked all the time

 

The only time she initiates sex is when I seem uninterested or am investing 100% of my time in my undergraduate studies. This is okay, but lately I have been feeling a great deal of not only frustration, but resentment and I start losing my cool....all over a stupid thing like sex...Not how I'd like the dynamic for my relationship to be.

 

I mean Im all about having sex, but if what it takes to get it is to pop off my mouth, get into fights over nothing so that we can have some makeup sex or because it turns her on...i think this will only damage the relationship. If im wrong though, let me know ;P

 

That doesn't mean that I'll just roll over if there really IS a problem. On the contrary, Ill stand up for myself and what I believe in if i feel she's wrong, but i think that's the beauty of the relationship and what makes me value her so much, is that we almost never fight.

[Snoopy24]

Hi holyohio..

 

I have been in two 4 year relationships and my current one is going on 9 months...so i do know how the sex slows down. Honestly..I think that is just how most relationships go.

 

Of course in the "honeymoon" phase you are going to be having sex all of the time, as you get more serious it usually dies down. Now if it STOPS then you have a problem. But honestly sex isn't the most imporntant part of a relationship. You said you still kiss before bed and you enjoy eachothers company. And everything else is great. I think that is what matters the most.

[holyohio]

But honestly sex isn't the most imporntant part of a relationship.

 

 

True and true! There's a famous quote out there that you "...cannot screw a relationship together!"

 

But I would prefer sex at least 2 times a week, thats 8 times a month...am I asking too much?

 

And If im just expected to settle and be happy with what I get, then I would point every girl who's ever asked the question "why don't guys commit" to the door of a simple algebra class.

[OOHMY]

True and true! There's a famous quote out there that you "...cannot screw a relationship together!"

 

But I would prefer sex at least 2 times a week, thats 8 times a month...am I asking too much?

 

No that would be fine, maybe a little much, well everyones different. I say 1 the first and third week and twice the 2nd and 4th week. Thats six.

[Zackinlaw]

Of course in the "honeymoon" phase you are going to be having sex all of the time, as you get more serious it usually dies down. Now if it STOPS then you have a problem. But honestly sex isn't the most imporntant part of a relationship.

 

"imporntant"? hahaha ... cute freudian slip.

 

Snoopy makes an excellent point that I want to add emphasis to ... if sex stops pretty much completely, you probably have a serious problem with your relationship ... usually having nothing to do with sex.

 

Beyond that, unless your respective sex drives are completely incompatible, it's probably just a settling in to the more important parts of the relationship.

 

Zack.

[OOHMY]

Thanks for the reply, but could you clarify a little on the second paragraph? I know familiarity and too much comfort in a relationship can be bad for the libido, but are you insinuating that girls only have sex with guys when they're unhappy or seeking more stability?

 

No, I'm saying if they are comfortable in the relationship and you don't show a BIG issue and explode on the sex, they are like oh how super! So they get comfortable with the idea of the pace of sex. Women have sex when they are horny and feel like it. Your just out that crazy horny phase and it was good while it lasted, but now shes like I don't feel like it no more. Get off.

 

I know that this is one of the things that I would be dealing with going into the whole moving in together thing...the lack of sex because she feels too comfortable and too secure, but how do I combat this?

 

Walk around naked and hump her like a dog. Not sex, hump.

 

And...We live together....we're naked all the time

 

Hmm so maybe theres nothing new! Your a guy, you can't just throw on lingerie and make a difference. I think you may have gone wrong with that toy she may be using it more than you. Getting better O's than from you?

 

The only time she initiates sex is when I seem uninterested or am investing 100% of my time in my undergraduate studies. This is okay, but lately I have been feeling a great deal of not only frustration, but resentment and I start losing my cool....all over a stupid thing like sex...Not how I'd like the dynamic for my relationship to be.

 

You figured it out, go act like your studying and see if she gets turned on by that. So she only wants to have sex when your not interested? Well use reverse physchology. Act like you don't want it at all. Hey that may work, you solved your own problem.

 

I mean Im all about having sex, but if what it takes to get it is to pop off my mouth, get into fights over nothing so that we can have some makeup sex or because it turns her on...i think this will only damage the relationship. If im wrong though, let me know ;P

 

If thats the case shes bored and tired of the relationship. So shes using sex against you.

 

That doesn't mean that I'll just roll over if there really IS a problem. On the contrary, Ill stand up for myself and what I believe in if i feel she's wrong, but i think that's the beauty of the relationship and what makes me value her so much, is that we almost never fight.

 

Hmm, maybe she sees things too perfect and wants some conflict? So just act like you don't even want sex, don't talk about it, sleep with pjs, go the full thing. Just act like she does with it. "Fake" studying then she may find out you did, then make up sex. LOL MORE sex!

[Snoopy24]

True and true! There's a famous quote out there that you "...cannot screw a relationship together!"

 

But I would prefer sex at least 2 times a week, thats 8 times a month...am I asking too much?

 

And If im just expected to settle and be happy with what I get, then I would point every girl who's ever asked the question "why don't guys commit" to the door of a simple algebra class.

 

haha

 

It's not asking too much. ...but if your girlfriend thinks it's too much, then you are kind of out of luck.

 

Also, sometimes relationships have dry spells in the sex department. And before you know it, you'll be doing it 5 times a week.

 

But what I would HIGHLY suggest, is doing different things. I know when I'm with someone for awhile our sex life kind of becomes "a routine" doing it in the same 3 positions, or what not.

 

Why don't you try different things, and try to spice it up a little bit. different positions, maybe even get a couple of sex games, role playing, get her some sexy lingeri for her to wear....

[OOHMY]

Take that rabbit from her.

[Jayar]

No that would be fine, maybe a little much, well everyones different. I say 1 the first and third week and twice the 2nd and 4th week. Thats six.

 

Really?!?! I don't think the guy's unreasonable wanting it 2 or even 3 times a week... Heck, most guys I know feel their relationship has gone stagnant if it happens any less than 3 nights and at least 1 morning a week.

 

The trouble is, sex isn't JUST sex. Sex is the barometer of a relationship. It's the first indication that something is awry. When it stops for a relatively young couple (and by this I mean a couple married less than 10 years, and under about 50 years of age) it shouldn't be taken lightly. JMO.

[OOHMY]

Maybe your not making love to her and your only having sex.

 

Is there a difference when you two have it and when she INITIATES it?

[holyohio]

Is there a difference when you two have it and when she INITIATES it?

 

nope. pretty much the same.

 

and as far as the "throw it back in her face thing"....I did that, I felt like sex, i was horny, she was kissing me and I said I didnt feel like having sex...in those words....all that seemed to do was give her ammunition to combat the fact that "we dont have enough sex..." talk that we had a couple months before. Maybe I should take the monk vow and promise myself I wont try to have sex with her for two weeks and see if "she" has a problem with it...because you know what....she probably will..

 

 

It will be all "Oh my god, you dont find me attractive anymore?! You dont want me anymore!? are you cheating on me!? I heard on cosmo that if a boy wont have sex with you when you want it a couple times in a row that means he is GETTING IT SOMEWHERE ELSE!!! OMG!!!!"

 

For some reason, culturally or socially, its wrong for guys to complain about lack of sex (because ALL a guy thinks about is sex, dontchaknow!?) , but if a guy doesn't have sex with a girl for a certain period of time, he's either an adulterer, latent homosexual, or thinks she's a cow...(and, for the record, I am none of the above)

[OOHMY]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thats hilarious the second paragraph you put in there about the way she react.

 

I say do it, and have it here for evidence. Let her read this if something gets out of hand.

[Zackinlaw]

The trouble is, sex isn't JUST sex. Sex is the barometer of a relationship.

 

Jayar has it right here ... as usual ... it's silly to discount sexual compatibilty as an important part of a relationship.

 

If she's saying "he wants sex constantly ... 3 times a week!" and he's saying "she wants sex almost never ... only 3 times a week!" there is an obvious compatibility problem.

 

Zack.

[holyohio]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thats hilarious the second paragraph you put in there about the way she react.

 

I say do it, and have it here for evidence. Let her read this if something gets out of hand.

 

Im kind of curious to do so now, in the interest of intersex behavior, just to see what she would say. I only wonder how much bittnerness and resentment I'd see if she were facing the same thing. Like I said earlier, she's the only woman in the world (now...since we've been dating...im not a hopeless romantic) that I ever desire. I think evidence of this is my increased libido. In the past I've had girlfriends where I wouldn't feel like bumpin' uglies (to be utterly crude while simultaneously totally honest) with every single second I see them, but shes just...so attractive to me...I guess she doesn't really understand how much.

[OOHMY]

Im kind of curious to do so now, in the interest of intersex behavior, just to see what she would say. I only wonder how much bittnerness and resentment I'd see if she were facing the same thing. Like I said earlier, she's the only woman in the world (now...since we've been dating...im not a hopeless romantic) that I ever desire. I think evidence of this is my increased libido. In the past I've had girlfriends where I wouldn't feel like bumpin' uglies with every single second I see them, but shes just...so attractive to me...I guess she doesn't really understand how much.

 

Just throw her on the bed and say WE ARE HAVING SEX TONIGHT. You are so amazingly beautiful. Then big smile. See what she says.

 

LOL.

[holyohio]

Just throw her on the bed and say WE ARE HAVING SEX TONIGHT. You are so amazingly beautiful. Then big smile. See what she says.

 

LOL.

 

Purely....in...the...name...of...science...I will do so ! I'll let you know how it goes

[OOHMY]

Purely....in...the...name...of...science...I will do so ! I'll let you know how it goes

 

Go for it! Good luck!

[Taomagicdragon]

I wonder how supporters of the honeymoon phase, as it's so quick to be called, explain those who wait to have sex beyond the phase of infatuation.

[Taomagicdragon]

Really?!?! I don't think the guy's unreasonable wanting it 2 or even 3 times a week... Heck, most guys I know feel their relationship has gone stagnant if it happens any less than 3 nights and at least 1 morning a week.

 

The trouble is, sex isn't JUST sex. Sex is the barometer of a relationship. It's the first indication that something is awry. When it stops for a relatively young couple (and by this I mean a couple married less than 10 years, and under about 50 years of age) it shouldn't be taken lightly. JMO.

 

Sex is only a barometer of a relationship if a couple chooses to make it one. If a couple has never had sex and has no plans on doing that, then perhaps, the couple ought to use open communication as a barometer.

 

Then again openly communicating would make it too easy I suppose.

[iFlirt]

Yah, but even the non sexualy active couple is still physical. How often are the little touches there? How often do they kiss. I totally agree thatsex is the barometer.

But as to the main topic the dumping her on the bed sounds good. Or if you naken all the time anyways pic a time where shes putting on makeup or getting dressed *but not for anything terribly important or deadline related* and start by nibbling her neck and move you hands under her shirt on her stomach and go from there. Nice surprises like that are generaly taken very well.

[Taomagicdragon]

With my relationship, we use open communication at the first sign something is bothering either of us. I know, talking is so quaint, but that's how we do things. Physicality is not used for us.