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Finally know what love is, but still confused


nutterthananut
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I am glad to say that I finally know what love is. At least, in my eyes. I may only be sixteen, but I have discovered puppy love. When my second boyfriend broke up with me, after only a month and not ever holding hands, kissing, or hugging, or anything of the such, I was really mad. Not at him, just mad that I would buy so deeply into something. I couldn't believe that I had found someone that I thought I really liked and that really liked me back, and that I lost him. I thought it was something I did wrong, but it wasn't. It was just a hurt unlike one you can describe. After two and a half weeks of seeing him everyday at marching band camp, and knowing he was no longer mine, I was able to finally let him go. Now, as my life has moved on, I am glad to say I am no longer with him. Sure, him and I are still best friends and talk each day, and we both have discovered we can't get rid of each other, but we know that even though we both like each other again, it can't happen and it most likely won't. And that's a good thing.

But, and here's the confusing part, I am still having relationship troubles. Nothing major. I mean, you may say to yourself, "Oh, that's easy to solve." or even "Oh, well, I went through that before and it wasn't a big deal at all." I know how people are because I do the same thing to people I may or may not know. But, truth be told, we shouldn't do that because if the problem is big enough for someone to worry about it, then it's a major part of their life and no one would put a friend down, or even someone they don't know, for fear of breaking that person or ruining their life.

OKay, so that sounded a bit like I am off the deep end, but I am really perfectly sane. Anyway, on to the problem. See, there is this boy I liked in marching band with me (Yes, all the members in my school marching band date each other. It's actually kind of funny.), but I wasn't sure if I DID like him or if I liked the IDEA of liking him. But, my ex boyfriend, the one mentioned above, went and told the whole band that I liked him and it eventually got around to this kid. Well, it turned out the kid liked me too. That would normally be great, but not for me. We had a marching band competition the next day and he stands behind me in our troop. Well, he whispered something in my ear and asked me out. And, being the person I am, I said yes. Well, as we were going home that night, we sat by each other on the brass bus. Anyway, he started off by rubbing my knee, and stopping because he realized I didn't like it. OKay, that was good, but then he held my hand. I was fine with this because I had held my friend's hand before, but that is the most I have ever done. So, I guess since I held his hand he thought it was fine to touch me and all. I had shorts on that night, despite it being a bit chilly (I forgot to bring actual pants for the trip home after we changed.), and by the end of the night his hand was halfway up the inside of my right leg. I was really uncomfortable because I thought it was moving kind of fast. Now, I understand that doing stuff like that at that speed is fine for some, and he didn't do anything wrong, it just wasn't really my type of thing, you know?

Well, I broke up with him through a note that next Monday (we dated Saturday, Sunday, and Monday until Marching class). I explained to him everything and we are still friends. Well, I found out from a girl that rides my bus that this kid can get a little obsessive over a girl. That was kind of scary, you know. She knows this because he has kind of been after her for a while because her brother and the boy have been friends since like 2nd grade. Now, I'm glad I broke up with him. BUT, and here is the kicker, him and I still went to our school's homecoming dance together. I figured he would come over, hang out with my friends, and then we would all go together. Boy, was I wrong. It turned out that he bought me a corsage, he bought the dance tickets, he drove me to the dance, I danced with him more than I danced with anyone else, he hugged me a few times, AND HE BOUGHT $65 COUPLE PICTURES. I felt so bad because the best I could give him was my company. And I wasn't going to give him anything else. I just wish I had given him a boutineire or something. Or even a kiss on the cheek. But I was rude, I guess, and I didn't. And now I don't know if I am kind of obligated to go out with him if he asks, or if I should like him. I mean, he apoligized for moving so fast the past weekend and that he didn't know what he was thinking, and he was a perfect gentleman, but I just don't know. Should I like him because he is a great guy, tell him we can only ever be friends, or should I just pretend like the night wasn't that big a deal, kind of like running into each other at a school function? I mean, I want more advice then just answers to those questions, but that is all I am able to think about right now. I hope you all understand what I'm talking about and I hope you don't think I'm a bad person. The best I can do is try to be a good teenager, and so far I am succeeding. Thanks in advance for any advice you may offer. Sweet dreams!

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